What do you do next...? (tantrum question)

[simplemama32]

DS is 2 yrs., 9 months and is a handful.  I try to be calm and playful, I try to prevent tantrums as much as possible, and I've either read or am reading a lot of books suggested here, but in the middle of the tantrum hurricane (his and mine), I usually am at a complete loss of what to do next.

First example:  the other day DS (apparently trying to get my attention because I'd been distracted most of the evening) starting throwing some toys off a shelf.  I caught the first one, told him "we don't throw toys," and headed toward him to take him away from the shelf.  Before I could get to him, he threw another toy at me, and then when I picked him up, he hit me twice.  I held his hand and (still calmly) talked to him about not hitting Mama.  Then he bit me, and I started to lose my temper.  It had been kind of a fussy evening anyway, we were both grumpy and tired, and that was really the last straw.  If you're familiar with "Raising Your Spirited Child," I think this was a classic spill-over tantrum on both our parts.

Anyway, I put him on the couch so I could walk away for a minute, and I stepped into my bedroom and closed the door.  That was obviously a big mistake because DS then freaked out and almost beat the door down to get to me.  :-(   What should happen next?  What do I do in this scenario, when DS needs help calming down and *I* need help calming down? 

Second example:  DS was in the tub playing with bath paint...the kind that doubles as soap and makes a ton of bubbles.  He got a little rowdy with splashing water everywhere, so I told him "you can splash, but make little splashes" and showed him what I meant.  He splashed too big again, so I warned him that he would be getting out of the tub if he did it again.  I turned my back for one second, and next thing you know, he has used his hands to whoosh! a big wave of water over most of the floor and wall. 

I immediately got him out of the tub and set him on a dry patch of rug.  DS was still covered in bubbles I needed to rinse off, so I turned around to drain the bath water (also full of bubbles and soap) so I could run some fresh water.  DS then ran up behind me and bit me on the leg.  I'm sure onlookers would have found the entire situation hilarious, but... What should I do next?  I've got a tub full of soap bubbles that take forever to drain and rinse away, and I've got a naked little boy covered in soap who is acting like a wild banshee.  Obviously, the bath water shouldn't have been so deep, I should have paid more attention to how much of the bubble stuff he was using, etc. etc.  Not biting is also something we're working on, but DS still does it sometimes. 

Like I said earlier, I try for prevention, but when that has failed, I have trouble keeping my head and thinking of the best thing to do next.  I've been seriously thinking of writing a checklist of what to do on a piece of paper and posting it somewhere I can easily and quickly read in the middle of these situations.

[ScottyG]

That sounds really difficult, and you're doing a great job working at it.  I have a daughter exactly the same age (2Y 9M) and who is a little spirited (but maybe not quite that spirited) so I feel your pain!

My suggestion would be to remove your son as quickly as possible and have the "talk" later.  It sounds to me like he really wants your attention, and to rile you up... So I would grit my teeth, let the toys be thrown at me if need be, and without saying a single word or giving a single look, just put him in his room.  When he's calmed down, then I'd talk to him about what happened... Or, frankly, not talk to him (if that would just rile him up again) and let your lack of attention be the punishment, and he can figure out why on his own.

[happy1nluv]

The bath situation is hard because you're kind of stuck... you can dry him off, bubbles and all... but then you have to put him back in the tub relatively soon so he's not all itchy (although i had dh install one of those shower heads with the hose so i can hose kids down when needed...it definitely comes in handy!)...what makes it even harder is that its never the same situation twice (i have TWO of those kinds of kids - different ages, different stunts but I getcha...).  It doesn't always work, but i close my eyes, take a few deep breaths and repeat a one liner to myself 5 times fast (mine is 'you CAN do this and not lose it") ... it really does help when i remember to use it...

[mom2grrls]

First example:  the other day DS (apparently trying to get my attention because I'd been distracted most of the evening) starting throwing some toys off a shelf.  I caught the first one, told him "we don't throw toys," and headed toward him to take him away from the shelf.  Before I could get to him, he threw another toy at me, and then when I picked him up, he hit me twice. >>>>>

If you know he is looking for your attention rather than talking about not throwing toys go to him and ask him what he wants while you remove the toy from his hand.  Once you're both moved away from the shelf and calm then talk about other ways to get attention.

In any situation though you could try closing your eyes, conjuring up a peaceful image of your child(when he was a baby, when he's sleeping, etc) and count to 5.  Something like that gets me clear headed for a moment.

[UnschoolnMa]

I remember those moments very very well. My son was the master of such episodes.

The word that keeps coming to mind here is "overwhelmed". Often I think so much stress or emotion is happening we get a kind of paralyzed, ticked off version of the "deer in the headlights" phenom.

With the throwing: I think you were doing great. In my years in work in Child Dev I have seen so much biting. It's the go to tool for major frustration and major affect. Gives the biter a sense of power and release, and it's surprising and hurts like a bleeep. I think I am echoing PP's in saying that a swift change of location might be helpful. With wee ones we want to be careful to try and talk about the behaviors relatively quickly so the child doesn't forget what went down and then be unable to connect the talk to the action, but it can probably stand to wait a minute or three while you scoop him up or invite him (if he's that cooperative atm) to join you in another room or space. 

"Don't bite me please. That hurts me, and I don't like it. You're angry because you want to throw. What else can we do?"

 I'm not a fan of punitive "time outs". I am into a chill out space or what have you, but not "go to your room until you can xyz because you were naughty" kind of thing. So with that said, maybe he'd like to read a book with you? Run in circles or dance silly for a few minutes? Eat a cracker? Watch a DVD? Color? Often just the swift change in activity and scenery can be effective in changing the attitude, this then allows for the conversation.

 The bath episode probably feels crappier for a couple of reasons: 1. you have the added issue of bubbles still on the wee one that you know need to come off eventually. So you ponder wouldn't it be best to do it now? But then no, because the behavior must be addressed and 2. There is flippin water everywhere. Gah. It leaves a person feeling a bit like this: So in that situation I probably would just get a towel on kid and exit the bathroom. (Change the space!) As long as he was "hearing" you ie.not crying or tantruming so much that he wouldn't catch what you're saying I'd go into "Don't bite me. You're angry because you wanted to splash big in the bath and I took you out. Water stays in the bathtub. Do you want to rinse the bubbles off?"  He might need time in between to chill (and you might too lol). Then you might wet towel him off, rinse in the tub, and invite him to help dry the floor or wall if he was into it.

Hang in there! Hope I made some sense. I know it's hard in the moment, but you sound like you're doing well.

[simplemama32]

Thank you all so much!  We are having a better time of it so far...

>>"The word that keeps coming to mind here is "overwhelmed". Often I think so much stress or emotion is happening we get a kind of paralyzed, ticked off version of the "deer in the headlights" phenom."<<

Ha!  That description is so dead on.