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I'm going prematurely GRAY. AP Moms, Please help :( - Page 2

post #21 of 51

what time does he go to work? DH usually works 1pm-9 both love co-sleeping too:30pm, or 7am-5pm, or 10am-6pm lol so we have to switch it up quite a bit. DH and I both love co-sleeping too, so we had to work on the sex thing, but you have people all over you're house...when are they moving? lol

 

could you put on white noise and then quietly have it on the floor?

post #22 of 51

if getting intimate with your DH is the problem why not put your DD is a swing or bouncy and grab a quickie,or ask your MIL/SIL to babysit for you?

or do it on the floor.

post #23 of 51

If your DD has super crappy naps like you said, try having her asleep by 5:00.  I know it sounds crazy, but an hour (e.g.the difference btw. 5-6pm) is actually a long time to a baby.  If your nap attempts don't work and she's awake at 4pm, do your bedtime routine and try the super EBT. Believe me, I know how frustrating it is. I spent months having bedtime take 1 1/2 to 2 hours, mostly of her screaming because she was overtired and in total meltdown mode.  Naps are more difficult than bedtime in my experience.  Even after I got her going down easily at bedtime, I spent 2 more months getting to where I didn't have to either lay down with her or carry her in the Ergo for every nap. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to be too discouraged that trying something new doesn't work immediately.  

 

 

post #24 of 51

It is absolutely possible for a baby to start the night in a separate bed and join you later in the night.  Absolutely.  My children both did it.  It worked great and gave us all a good combination of uninterrupted sleep and cuddle time.

 

A lot of people think that Family Bed is all or nothing, and they will give you guilt, because you're not fully doing the "AP Checklist" that they think has been ordained as the one AP Way.  They'll say things like "kicking her out of the warmth" or "confusing her with your inconsistency," or even, if they're feeling particularly smug, "this is such a relatively short phase of her life, suck it up."  They aren't helping, and they don't represent anything but their own black and white thinking.

 

THere's lots of evidence that depressed and stressed otu mothers are more permanently harmful to children's development than having to sleep separate for part (or heck, even all) of the night.    AP is about responding to your child's needs -- all of those needs, of which sleep is only one, and a healthy mother is another one.    

 

Human children evolved in a world where they slept in lots of different locations:  On mom's back, while she walked to gather; in grandma's arms while mom's arms needed a rest; on dad's lap by the fire; curled with mom in a pile of grass; cuddled with an auntie or older sibling; in a hammock made from a baby sling, strung from the rafter of a hut.   They might do several or all of those in a day.   This idea that there has to be One Place to Sleep and One Person to Sleep with is very absolutist.

 

How you get there depends on you and your baby.  For us, from birth they were in a basinnette pushed up against the bed at the start of the night.   They could hear and see and smell us and I could sleep with my hand on their backs.   Later they started the night in the crib (which wasn't in our bedroom -- not enough room).  We were in a tiny apartment though, so it was fewer steps to the next room than it would be in some larger houses in the same room!   Given the time they generally went down to sleep, I'd usually still be somewhat conscious if they woke by midnight, and at that waking I'd nurse them fast, back down to sleep and back to their own bed.  The next waking might not be until 4 or 5am, and at that point I'd bring them back to bed.

 

People will say "Oh, you get more sleep if they're just in bed and you can roll over and latch on and go back to sleep."  For me, this wasn't the case, because I could  not drop fully asleep while they were latched on, so even when they were in bed with me I had to unlatch them and close up my nightshirt top to prevent random access.   The few times I thought "Oh, I'll get that uninterrupted sleep while nursing that everyone talks about," I slept badly (if at all) and woke up sore and resentful.   

 

My kids weren't confused by part-time cosleeping.   They prospered.  I never CIOed, they slept well.   My DD actually made it clear as a toddler that she liked more space than she got when cosleeping, and preferred to sleep most of the night sprawled widely across her entire bed.  Tucked in and spooned with me and DH (and sometimes her older brother) she tossed and turned and didnt' sleep well.

post #25 of 51

I nurse DD to sleep and leave every night and spend time with DH. I was under the impression that was not the issue at hand.

post #26 of 51
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by katelove View Post

Can you put her to sleep in your bed and then have sex on the floor... very quietly?

 

ETA - and/or can your mum and sister take her out for an hour on your DHs days off so you can have sex then? You needn't *tell* them that that's what you're going to do, just say you'd like a break.

 

TBH, from what you described, I would be letting the baby sleep with me and trying to solve the sex problem rather than trying to solve the sleeping in the cot problem which seems harder. Although, to be fair, DH and I both love co-sleeping so that may colour my perspective.



Well, it is all sort of complicated because my husband is home at 7, goes to bed at 9, and is up at 4am.. So we have no "other" time together to try getting creative with sex, at all. Except on weekends. We have actually done it on the floor LOL But it kind of bummed hubby out, he is not against co-sleeping but when it came to us resorting to sex on the floor, he was a little put off by it. (although he didnt complain after.. haha!)
And we have someone watch her while we go to "talk in private"... it just would be nice to have a little more flexibility

post #27 of 51
Thread Starter 

OK, here is a pretty miserable update.........

 


We've been trying and trying to get her to sleep in her bed, but it upsets her every time when she either wakes up as we are lowing her,  or a few moments later when she realizes I am gone. No amount of shushing, rubbing, cuddling, will get her to stop crying as long as she is laying in the crib.

 

Hubby got exhausted from the crying (he has to be up and gone at 4:15am) so he's been sleeping on the couch to catch up on sleep. In that time, I was tired of fighting her, so she slept in bed with me. And till I go to bed around 1-am-2am, she will wake up every 1.5 hour which is OK -- not ideal -- but OK, I just nurse her back down and it takes all of 2 minutes. And then when I come to bed, she is out. All night long. She feels for me alot, and when I am right there she is happy.


We did the pick up/put downmethod  overandoverandoverandover, and it just works her up so bad, she starts anticipating the put down, and freaks - big tears, even when I am holding her.

 

She is most peaceful when she is nursed down....and when she wakes up, and knows she is in our bed, she is not freaked like she is in her crib - she quietly whimpers for me, I feed her, she passes out.

 

SO I dont know what else to do. The only option I know of now, is using the crib as a sidecar, and gradually over time scooting her more and more into her own crib. Do you ladies think that is a good way to transition? She'd have her own space and maybe get used to her crib. I have a crib with a curvy front, so I actually would have to sell it and buy one that can butt up smoothly. The way it is, it leaves over a foot of a gap butted against our bed.

 

I am thinking (HOPING) teething is playing some role in this. She has 2 bottom teeth that just popped up. So maybe that explains all this neediness and anxiety over change....

post #28 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dixielane View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by katelove View Post

Can you put her to sleep in your bed and then have sex on the floor... very quietly?

 

ETA - and/or can your mum and sister take her out for an hour on your DHs days off so you can have sex then? You needn't *tell* them that that's what you're going to do, just say you'd like a break.

 

TBH, from what you described, I would be letting the baby sleep with me and trying to solve the sex problem rather than trying to solve the sleeping in the cot problem which seems harder. Although, to be fair, DH and I both love co-sleeping so that may colour my perspective.



Well, it is all sort of complicated because my husband is home at 7, goes to bed at 9, and is up at 4am.. So we have no "other" time together to try getting creative with sex, at all. Except on weekends. We have actually done it on the floor LOL But it kind of bummed hubby out, he is not against co-sleeping but when it came to us resorting to sex on the floor, he was a little put off by it. (although he didnt complain after.. haha!)
And we have someone watch her while we go to "talk in private"... it just would be nice to have a little more flexibility



After reading this and you update these are my thoughts...

 

- you have a way to have some sex. Yes flexibility and a bed would be nice but, you have a baby and you live with extended family. I think *some* sex is pretty good even if it's not your ideal location or frequency or not as spontaneous or whatever.

 

- this will not last forever. You LO will get older and more independent with her sleeping and you will be able to more special grown-up time winky.gif

 

I mean this gently but I think your husband needs to just get used to life as it is for the moment. I don't mean you should stop trying to have sex whenever you can and I don't mean that he can't dream about having your LO sleeping in her own bed but is this really worth making everyone miserable over?

post #29 of 51

Set up a seperate love shack in another room for you and DH to get it on in.

Let the babe stay with you.

Cosleep or don't but making a decision will make like easier for all of you.

Make sure DH isn't being a baby too:)

post #30 of 51

her sleep patterns don't sound so bad to me. She wakes a lot without you there, like most babies (even my DD at 15 months) but when you go to bed she sleeps through? I don't even have that!

 

personally I would not bother torturing her or yourself anymore.....

post #31 of 51
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by katelove View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by Dixielane View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by katelove View Post

Can you put her to sleep in your bed and then have sex on the floor... very quietly?

 

ETA - and/or can your mum and sister take her out for an hour on your DHs days off so you can have sex then? You needn't *tell* them that that's what you're going to do, just say you'd like a break.

 

TBH, from what you described, I would be letting the baby sleep with me and trying to solve the sex problem rather than trying to solve the sleeping in the cot problem which seems harder. Although, to be fair, DH and I both love co-sleeping so that may colour my perspective.



Well, it is all sort of complicated because my husband is home at 7, goes to bed at 9, and is up at 4am.. So we have no "other" time together to try getting creative with sex, at all. Except on weekends. We have actually done it on the floor LOL But it kind of bummed hubby out, he is not against co-sleeping but when it came to us resorting to sex on the floor, he was a little put off by it. (although he didnt complain after.. haha!)
And we have someone watch her while we go to "talk in private"... it just would be nice to have a little more flexibility



After reading this and you update these are my thoughts...

 

- you have a way to have some sex. Yes flexibility and a bed would be nice but, you have a baby and you live with extended family. I think *some* sex is pretty good even if it's not your ideal location or frequency or not as spontaneous or whatever.

 

- this will not last forever. You LO will get older and more independent with her sleeping and you will be able to more special grown-up time winky.gif

 

I mean this gently but I think your husband needs to just get used to life as it is for the moment. I don't mean you should stop trying to have sex whenever you can and I don't mean that he can't dream about having your LO sleeping in her own bed but is this really worth making everyone miserable over?



 Yes and No. It's both my husband and I really, so not just him. Infact, he's the one who said I should consider just letting her go thru this phase and let us all just sleep, lol.

post #32 of 51
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sosurreal09 View Post

her sleep patterns don't sound so bad to me. She wakes a lot without you there, like most babies (even my DD at 15 months) but when you go to bed she sleeps through? I don't even have that!

 

personally I would not bother torturing her or yourself anymore.....



 Really? Yes she does sleep thru when I am with her. Infact, last night was sort of a crazy one, she went to sleep at 10, I left her in bed with hubby until I went to bed. She woke up every 1-1.5hr, but when I came to bed she slept with me till 10am without making a peep, lol. So really, when she is in bed with me, I sleep gooood.

 

I talked to hubby about a sidecar, butting her crib up against ours, and he said that seems like a good solution. She can learn to sleep in it gradually. I know it feels way different.. its a different surface, different feel, and no mommy to snuggle up to.

post #33 of 51
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by earth2birth View Post

Set up a seperate love shack in another room for you and DH to get it on in.

Let the babe stay with you.

Cosleep or don't but making a decision will make like easier for all of you.

Make sure DH isn't being a baby too:)



I wish.. we did have a "room"... but its taken right now..

 

And our bed is not really move/sound proof if you know what I mean, we have tried it - lol!

No he's not being a baby - we all just want sleep and the attempt at "teaching" her to sleep in her crib has not worked. I feel like maybe I am trying to fix what isnt broke now.. Perhaps we just need to make a minor adjustment (like giving her her own space in a side car against my side) and everyone will be happy.

 

I will need to figure out how to smoothly butt a sidecar crib up against my side. 

post #34 of 51

I mean if you are dead set about the side cart thing go for it but I have doubts. I think you're DD has a better sleeping pattern than like 50% of MDCs babies/toddlers. If my DD were sleeping that well I wouldn't dare move her! lol

 

what about DH day off? you guys can't do it in the shower and put DD somewhere safe and baby-proofed? We just leave the door open a crack so if she needs to come in the bathroom b/c she's upset or whatever she can and we stop.

 

You have a walker or something? She's like 8 m/o right? heck put her in a pack n play with some activities!

 

no reason it has to be at night KWIM?

post #35 of 51

oooh also to "speed things up" for me since we have limited time to have "maritals" I got a bullet. Gets me there when he does and doesn't replace him or anything. works for us.

post #36 of 51
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sosurreal09 View Post

I mean if you are dead set about the side cart thing go for it but I have doubts. I think you're DD has a better sleeping pattern than like 50% of MDCs babies/toddlers. If my DD were sleeping that well I wouldn't dare move her! lol

 

what about DH day off? you guys can't do it in the shower and put DD somewhere safe and baby-proofed? We just leave the door open a crack so if she needs to come in the bathroom b/c she's upset or whatever she can and we stop.

 

You have a walker or something? She's like 8 m/o right? heck put her in a pack n play with some activities!

 

no reason it has to be at night KWIM?



Well the reason I think it would work, is because shes OK sleeping, as long as shes not confined away from me.. if she can scooch and roll to me, I think she will be happy no matter where shes at as long as she can nurse back to sleep immediately with no distruption (like when shes in her crib, and I pick her up to nurse, the whole picking up and getting situated thing WAKES her up). When she was much younger and I was asleep with her alone, I would scoot her far away from me to allow myself some stretching room, but within a couple hours she had made her way back to me, and attached herself to nurse. Hehehe. Plus, I don't think I would expect her to sleep IN her side all night long. I would probably sleep as far away as I can on the edge, to be near her side.. and then when she's fast asleep, I would scooch back to hubby. I think her biggest "trauma" to sleeping in her crib, is she can't doze off with the tatas! She falls asleep so well if I nurse her, but if I am dropping her in her crib there is that brief period of her feeling the sensation of being lowered, and realizing she is no longer nursing.

 

 If she was on her side, we wouldnt disturb her when we do "our thing", either..

 Here's hoping??? Does it sound like a bad idea? The idea sounds great anyways to me.. Our bed feels so cramped. It's a queen.. so a few more feet of space for her would be be NICE.

 

 

 Yes she's almost 8mo so I can easily stick her in her bouncy and she's happy. A couple times now, when we were desperate, we went into our bedroom and left LO with his sister who lives with us temporarily, and I texted her saying "watch her please so we can talk"... Her response was "ewww.. okay" so I think she got the idea. LOL We can do that sometimes, mainly on weekends, it wouldn't really be doable on weekdays. We aren't totally sexless.. I just miss being able to if I want in our own room, like when DD would sleep in her bassinett that she since outgrew.

post #37 of 51
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sosurreal09 View Post

oooh also to "speed things up" for me since we have limited time to have "maritals" I got a bullet. Gets me there when he does and doesn't replace him or anything. works for us.



Ohh well we can do it in like 3 min flat, not a prob there, LOL I'm suprised it doesnt kill the mood.. guess we are just happy to get what we can!! We've even opted for doing it in his truck (takes me back to pre-baby days LOL) but NOW we have encountered an issue of her refusing to take a bottle. So now, we can't have alone date nights.


Come to think of it, that might help our sleep issue. I never get to see my DH, we can never go on dates without her, and if we do, we can only be gone for 1-2 hr and it can't be in the evening when its bedtime. If we got a weekly date night, some freedom to do *whatever*, it would help sooo much.

post #38 of 51

try showering with DH and having sex there.

post #39 of 51
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sharon71 View Post

try showering with DH and having sex there.



blah! Doesnt work - our shower is too small, has nothing to "lean" or, sit on, or anything.. plus we have to use condoms and lube. We've tried this in the past but it NEVER works, lol.

post #40 of 51

I say where there is a will there is a way. thumb.gif

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