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Re thinking how many kids you originally wanted

post #1 of 38
Thread Starter 

I grew up in a big family.  I always loved kids and wanted lots for myself.  About half way through my second pregnancy I started thinking I might be done.  I'm still having trouble working through this huge shift in decision.  I really do feel done though.  Pregnancy is hard on me, I'm not sure my body would hold up to another one.  The infant stage is hard on me too.  I just have so many reasons.  


But I still have that 1% of me that wonders who I'm missing out on by making this choice.  DH and I have agreed to not do any kind of permanent birth control for at least another two years, just in case.  


Anyone else in this boat?  How did you KNOW you were done?  Any regrets?  

post #2 of 38

I always knew 2 was it for us and as soon as DS2 was born, our family felt complete.  DH has had a vasectomy smile.gif too.  There is a part of me that is sad I will never be mum to a little girl but I love my two monkeys and am content to be done.

post #3 of 38

I always wanted 4-5. That is the number dh & I have always discussed & still very much want. But it is hard for us to get pregnant & I'm not getting younger so it may not be plausible for us to have that many children. We are seriously discussing adopting a sibling group in a few years to add to our family.

post #4 of 38

I always thought we would only have 2, but we did not feel "done" after 2, or after 3 for that matter.  We decided to adopt for #4, and it even crossed my mind that we may adopt again for #5 (not dh's though!), but when dd (child #4) entered the family we suddenly felt we were complete.  Certainly things do change from those best-laid plans. 

post #5 of 38

I always said we would have two, though in the back of my mind I felt like we would have five, four boys and then a little girl. After my second was born I was very sad that I would never have another baby so we rethought things and decided to just see how things happened. When my third was born, I thought for a while we might not have more, his was a difficult birth and he was a difficult baby (and now he's a difficult 4yo...) and when he was a little over a year old I said if I wasn't already pregnant by the first of March we would look in to some kind of birth control. found out I was pregnant in February. After my fourth was born I was a little sad to not have any more children but didn't feel it would be a good idea considering my husband's job and how unpleasant pregnancy is for me. Surprise surprise I got pregnant last Christmas and couldn't be more happy to have my fifth baby. Now I am undecided about the number of children I would like to have. I think about how lovely #5 is and how if I had had my way I would never have known him, but then I think about how difficult it was physically and especially emotionally to be pregnant, give birth, and do the first few months postpartum without my husband (he was deployed) and how hard it must be on my other children to have me pregnant so much (I have had HG with all but my last pregnancy and I did have pretty terrible morning sickness with him but it ended a few weeks past my first trimester so it wasn't that bad) and it is hard to think about doing it again, no matter how much I know they love and look forward to each baby.


So, long story short, I have been all over the place and I still don't have any idea. I do not think I will have any more children at this point, though of course I have said that before.

post #6 of 38

I'm a 2 kind of gal. That's the perfect number for my sanity, my creativity, my wallet and they can be best friends (fingers crossed..) A part of me gets sad thinking I'll never be pregnant again, or will never get to have another home birth, or won't hold my own perfectly babe. Than I try to remember how much I dislike the infant stage (it's hard on me, I do not handle sleep deprivation well) and realize that a third kid would just throw me out of sorts and wouldn't be fair to anyone. 


But I would like a few more pets : ) 

post #7 of 38

I always thought I wanted three or four, but like you, pregnancy #2 was really hard.  Add to that a precipitous birth and I really thought I was done!  Still do, most days.  But I wonder, too.  Now that DD2 is about to turn a year, my thoughts are inevitably turning to another baby.  Most days, though, I cannot even imagine one more person needing me.


BUT...I'm torn.  If I had to guess, I'll probably go for one more.  Probably not try until #2 is two, though.  I think a bigger spacing would help slightly.  We'll see --- it's so hard!

post #8 of 38

I've always thought I wanted two, maybe even four but now I'd like to stay in the mother of one tribe zone. I'm VERY unsure whether or not I'd like to have another. Financially, now is not the best time but if it were, I don't think I want to.

post #9 of 38

I wanted 2 until I had the first one, then that number went up to 3-4 and we'd decide after #3. I had #3 in 09 so we've been debating ever since, I could of gone either way, but I never had that clear feeling that I was done. Well, #4 is on it's way and honestly, the second I got the + test, it was a huge relief, like ok, now I am done! The not being able to decide is the worst. 

post #10 of 38

I originally thought that 4 sounded like a good number.  But I had an emotionally traumatizing birth experience with DS.  And I'm pretty sure that I dealt with some undiagnosed PPD.  I love DS to pieces and he is the perfect little boy... he's not particularly difficult or anything (aside from sleep issues).  And although I think I could get past the emotional issues, I'm VERY content with just one.  That and we both work (can't afford for one of to quit) and I honestly think that one is a good number for my energy, emotional, and financial levels.


We haven't made any permanent decisions, yet.  And I am allowing for the idea that once DS is in school, we might consider another.  But I think that I would want to be able to stay at home the entire first year...so there are just a lot of considerations.

post #11 of 38

I wanted 4-5, so did DH. Now that we have 2, I am thinking one more and then done. I still think large families are cool, but realistically, financially, we would have a hard time keeping a roof over our kids' heads if we had more than 3. However, we are very interested in doing foster adopt at some point down the road when our bio kids are a bit older and we are financially more stable.

post #12 of 38

I used to want 2-3. DH wanted 1-2. We have 2 and I don't want more. I actually love pg and infancy, but 2-3 years old are the pits! DS is nearly 3.5 and I'm starting to enjoy it again, but we're still not quite out of temper tantrum territory. Haven't gone through teenagerhood, but I bet I won't love that stage either. Twice is enough for me! Maybe I'll be a baby nurse or a nanny or something someday, and I look forward to having nieces and nephews, but I want no more of my own!

post #13 of 38

DH wanted no children, so we decided to have 1. After DS was born, we thought maybe an only child was okay but then later decided to have another baby. DH said that's it. He had a vasectomy when DD was 2. I cannot have anymore children. My PPD is far too bad, but I do still think about adopting from time-to-time. DH's sister & her hubby are adopting, and DH's brothers are adopted. Lately we've been talking about it more & more, but I'm still not sure either of us knows. In some ways, having DC getting old makes me want a little one less & less, and I'm pretty sure that if we did adopt, it would be a child closer to 3-5YO, rather than a baby.


post #14 of 38
I think it's normal to change your mind along the way. No one can predict how easy/hard it will be to become parents ahead of time, and of course there is no way to know what changes life will bring you.

I just took it one baby at a time. After our first was born, I probably thought just one more would make me feel like our family is complete, but now that we have four (all planned), we still don't feel done (and have been TTC#5 for a couple years, so we may very well have to stop at 4).
post #15 of 38

Wow. I could have written your post word-for-word about six months ago, except that my reservations were more about finances. Then baby #2 was born two months ago and suddenly I can't imagine *not* doing this again. I definitely want a third now, no doubt about it!

post #16 of 38

Well, as a teen I used to say I never wanted to have any children, then I got knocked up at 19. After dd, I said I didn't want any more but when she was about 3, I started to change my mind and ended up having another when she turned 5. I love my two kiddos. Sometimes I think they are too far apart in age but I think the spacing is just perfect for my sanity. I cant imagine having two in dipes **shudder**. I've decided (for now) that I will only have two.

post #17 of 38

That reminds me of my personal guidelines for when I was willing to have a second--two out of three had to be done before I'd get pregnant again, and preferably all three: Breastfeeding, Cosleeping, Diapers. If were were having a third, I think I'd follow it again. My two are close enough in age to play together (having a tea party right now!) but weren't so overwhelming in baby and toddlerhood.

post #18 of 38
I always wanted 4. After two super easy pregnancies (but two shitty births) I upped that to 5. Number three changed things. The pregnancy was rough and the third shitty labor convinced me that I horrible back labors are my destiny. Even though he is a super easy baby I feel like I need to stop in order to give the three kids I have the attention they need.

I have no intention of sterilizing myself though in case I feel differently down the road.
post #19 of 38

I never rethought how many I wanted but life repositioned me anyway.


I always wanted 2, 2 years apart.


DS1 was a challenging infant and I wasn't ready to start TTC #2 until he was between 18 months and a year.  I then had secondary infertility.  DH and I decided to move internationally when DS1 was 3.5.  I gave away and sold all the baby stuff I was saving and admitted we were only ever going to have one child, but left permanent birth control for after the move. 


But, in the chaos of planning the move, we stopped paying attention and I conceived triplets. So now I have 4 kids.


4 kids is more than I can really handle well. I love each of them dearly, but never would have chosen this life. I truly believe that if my second pregnancy had been a singleton, I would have felt stretched and overwhelmed, but happy that my children had each other.  I try not to let the thought stick around on the days that it pops into my mind that this wasn't what I wanted.  But, I would be lying if I said I never had those thoughts.


What we dream of and what life hands can be so different.  It is deeply emotional to revise our images of ourselves and our families and to grieve for the loss of dreams we had. To plan on a big family and then have difficult pregnancies must be very tough. I wish you ease working through your decision. 

post #20 of 38

I wanted four kids. After I had DS1 the number dropped to three and then after DS2 the number has stopped at two. I can't imagine going through the baby stage again. I gotta say that two is hard for me. I sometimes think that I shouldn't have had any kids.


Anyway, though I love the idea of having a large grown up family, I don't think I could actually get there.

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