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Re thinking how many kids you originally wanted - Page 2

post #21 of 38

I actually just posted on a similar topic before I saw this thread.  We have two, and we thought we wanted one more, but then I miscarried and now I'm rethinking.  I am feeling like a bit of a failure at the moment--I would really love to be a great mom to lots of kids, I would love to have an enthusiastic dh who was up for more kids, I would love to have unlimited time and money and patience to raise a lot of kids.  But in reality.....two are hard for us a lot of the time, and it's putting a lot of strain on our marriage, and I'm worried about a third pregnancy/infancy making everyone in the family miserable in the short term--except it's not short term, it's 3-4 years!  Dh and I come from small families, and our kids have no cousins, and I have this wish for a bigger, happier family than we have now, and more family support for our kids, especially when they're grown up.  But I think maybe it's just a fantasy, and a third child wouldn't guarantee more happiness for anyone. Selfishly, I am looking at the next two years and thinking, I could go back to work, we could travel more easily with two, we could make our lives a little easier if we stopped at two.  But I'm sad and I'm having a hard time giving up the dream of another little person at the dinner table, another baby in my arms, another little sibling for the kids.  I'm 37, and I feel like there's no time to make this decision, my fertility is running out.  I just want to be at peace with whatever decision we make.

post #22 of 38
Thread Starter 

Thank you so much everyone.  It's nice to see my thoughts and feelings echoed.  It's a funny position I didn't think I'd ever be in and not one I hear talked about much.


post #23 of 38

I'm the youngest of 6, so i always thought i'd have more than 2 kids.


After DD1 XP and i split.  DD1 was HN and i seriously went to the dr (aged 25) and asked to be sterilised.  Luckily he refused and fitted a Mirena coil instead!


I met DP and we had DD2 in June last year.  She is wonderful.  Don't get me wrong, i love DD1 with all my heart and being, but she was so so HN, people don't really understand how hard it is being a single parent to a HN babe until they've tried it themselves.  DD2 is a whole different kettle o fish, much easier and really so FUN.  It's like night and day.


So we want a 3rd, but i wanted 4 when i was PG with #2.  Now i'm not so sure.  Pregnancy is so annoying - i don't think i have particularly hard pregnancies i just don't really enjoy it.  My first pregnancy was really easy, my second was fairly ok.  My births are superfast and easy so that's not a consideration, though i think i have a rectocele since DD2 was born (not "finished" with my pelvic floor recovery though and not exercising the muscles enough plus still have 30lbs to lose so the jury is out), and i do wonder if my fast 2nd stages (5mins with #1, 6mins with #2) are too rough on me and i'll end up needing surgical repair if i keep having more and more babies.  I know some people talk about "breathing the baby out" but with #1 i LITERALLY only pushed once (and she was my first baby and not teeny at 7lbs14.5oz) and with #2 i pushed uncontrollably due to her knotted cord (knot pulled tighter with descent which is why i think the urge to push was so frantic). So i kind of feel like whatever happens will happen in terms of that.  I have a really short perineum too, so a 1.5cm tear would be 4th degree on me.  As it is i've had two very small tears, neither stitched, but both into the muscle.


I am someone who enjoys the baby and toddler stage BUT only wants to deal with one at a time.  Twins or triplets would floor me!  So i'm not looking to ttc #3 until DD2 is at least 3 years old, and since i'm 30, and have no real desire to be still having babies in my 40's, that in itself limits us somewhat.  I think 3 will be it for us, but we wouldn't have permanent bc anyway, so it doesn't matter soooo much if we change our minds.

post #24 of 38

I originally wanted 5 or 6 kids.  I grew up in a big family, and I love having family around me.  After we had our 3rd (well, kind of.  We had a son, then another son who passed away, then adopted a daughter, then had a bio daughter), we thought we were done, but I had that little nagging feeling that we weren't.  DH decided he wasn't done either, and we're currently adopting a special needs child from China.  We're almost absolutely certain that, pending a surprise baby that we're not at all planning, this adoption will be our last child.  It's not the 5 or 6 children I wanted (although technically, I guess it is...), but we can't really see ourselves with any more than 4 children now, due to our lifestyle and their special needs and the fact that 3 of them will be homeschooled (and the oldest one will eventually be homeschooled as well, when he loses his IEP...which he's probably only a couple years away from doing). 

post #25 of 38

I always wanted 3.  I grew up with a brother and I knew I wanted more than that.  Then I had my first and seriously considered only having 1.  But then I did decide to have another, for numerous reasons.  After he was born, I knew I didn't want more.  Dh never wanted 2 kids ( he wanted 4) but he does understand why I don't want more and mostly agrees with me.  We've talked about adopting, but if we do, it'll be a long ways down the road.  And really, the thought of starting all over again with a newborn makes me cringe.

post #26 of 38

I always wanted an even number, and 2 was it! lol Boy and a girl. Done. Well, I have 2 boys. So now I want another baby. If #3 ends up another boy, that's great too. But I'm pretty sure I will stop at 3. 4 kids just seems like A LOT! lol

post #27 of 38

I have a little different perspective, but the same result.


Dh and I both always wanted a huge family.  Like 10-15 kids.  That mutual desire was one reason we were thrilled to find each other, because everyone else thought it was crazy.


Well, our desire hasn't changed, but we have realized that it was very foolish to take our fertility for granted, as if it would all just happen because we wanted it to.  We have three beautiful boys, then two miscarriages, then dh was out of the country for 18 months.  I still have hope for more, but I have had to put my "dream" for how our family looks away, and just be content with what we've been given.  Barring multiple sets of multiples, we won't get anywhere near what we originally hoped for.

post #28 of 38

I always smile when questions like this come up smile.gif....when I was younger I never reallly had an exact number in mind, I figured 3 sounded good. I had 2 boys and my girl and happily said "I'm done".  Well, hubby thought 1 more needed to come to the table, so I agreed and "made a deal"----I'll welcome a 4th if he had a Vasectomey after.  He did, and we were happy and fulfilled with 2 girls and 2 boys.---or so we thought!  6 or 7 years went by before we admitted to our "mistake" in taking away our chances for any more children, even thought we did foster parent another 8 girls thoughout those years....so around 9 years after his vas, we decided to have it reversed in the hopes of having 2 more children.  Our lives were just different then....he had stopped traveling with his job, the other kids were older, we had more money, etc....it just "felt" like someone was missing.  He had his vas-reversal in early Oct. of 2007, and we were pregnant with #5 five months later!  I cannot describe the joy she has brought to our lives....I get overcome with emotion when I think that she may have never been born had we not changed our decision.  Of course, we are still hoping that # 6 comes along soon, ( I like even numbers) Ha!

post #29 of 38

I have always wanted 12, since I was really young. My body is so messed up that we are really really blessed to be where we are. DH wants an even number and we'll be breaking that this fall, so we'll see what happens then. I am just hoping that when we have to be done I am at peace with that, because since I was a teenager I have had a burning in my chest for my babies. I hope that goes away when we are finished.

post #30 of 38

I grew up with 2 brothers, I liked the uneven number, I always thought I'd have 1 or 3, I am a nervous person and didn't know if I could handle even 1, but I did know that 2 was just WAAAAY too "square" for me. ;)  My DH wanted zero because of a number of reasons, a big one was and is the world population thing.  I thought I could change him, and I changed him just enough to squeeze 1 out of him, and I'm willing to be SQUARE and go for 2, but he's not budging. 

post #31 of 38

I have 4 kids right now.  What I always saw in my head for "perfect family" was me, a daddy, and 4 kids.  Am I done yet?  Well, we're going to use some birth control for awhile because I've had 4 children in 6 years and we *all* have been under a TON of stress that put a LOT of dysfunction in our home.  Do I want more?  I don't know.  DH grew up in a big family, I'm an only child.  He's always said he wanted a big family, I wanted the same thing.  We were in so much dysfunction that I don't think we really know yet, and I've got a little baby who needs a lot *right now.*  I do know I don't want to do anything surgical, and I haven't decided a birth control form yet.

post #32 of 38

When I was pregnant at 19 years old, my then boyfriend and I talked about him having a vasectomy. Now, I'm 24, have two kids, and want a third some day. We're taking it one baby at a time, though I do have fantasies of having a larger family but with a larger spacing. (Like five kids, but all spaced 5-7 years apart except for my first two). Who knows what life will bring?

post #33 of 38

I really wanted three kids.  About three months into my second pregnancy my husband said, "I'm done.  No more."  I don't blame him. :(  My pregnancies are horrendous.  I'm completely incapacitated and sick the whole time.  My husband has to take over cooking and cleaning.  He's not an energetic person.  The first pregnancy was hard, but ok.  The second pregnancy, with an active toddler, was rather a nightmare.  And then there is labor.  My first labor was only 49 hours long. My second labor was 9 days and I had a hemorrhage that almost killed me.  (At home.)  My midwife told me that I should absolutely never again risk a homebirth and I probably shouldn't have more children at all.  My body just isn't good with this whole 'be fruitful and multiply' thing.  He has already had a vasectomy, in fact we should be getting the results of the 3 month test today to find out if we are for sure for sure done.

post #34 of 38


I always thought I wanted four kids. Then I got pregnant for the second time and started thinking that two was a great number. DH always wanted just two, but was willing to have a third. Well, we found out I am having identical twins, so we will be having three kids all within 19 months of each other. I think we are done. I don't think we will do anything permanent, but I don't think I'll be able to talk DH into a fourth either.
post #35 of 38

I always thought I wanted 4. It just seemed right to me. After having my second though we decided that maybe 2 was a good number although I still had doubts. We decided that 2 kids 2 yrs apart was good. If we wanted more then we'd want 2 more 2 years apart but not for a few years. We'll have #3 this spring and I know I definitely want another now. It was a surprise pregnancy but I'm so glad for it now. And surprise it actually hit my 'perfect' timeline. Baby is due in April, DS will be 4 in June and DD 6 in Aug. Now I just want another in 2 years lol. Although 6 doesn't sound so bad to me either some days. I'm attempting my first homebirth this time and honestly I think that will help determine whether we have more or not.

post #36 of 38

We have five and we're done. I wanted eight, and have been pg eight times, though I wasn't considering that when I felt that our family was complete with my last pg. Previously, I just didn't feel like everyone was here yet, and I'm not a mystic at all, but I did feel that way. Dp and I both had "missing child syndrome" that caused us both to regularly experience that panic feeling when we'd head-count, and only get to the number of children we actually had, then whipping our heads around for a second looking for the other one(s), until we realised "oh, yeah; that's how many we have..." and feeling a bit silly.


Since our infant was born, this hasn't happened even once to either of us. We both felt the same way with the positive on the hpt: Yay! Our forever youngest child is here!


I was honestly a bit afraid that I wouldn't feel done with our youngest, and go on feeling like I had before, but I've felt completely confident that we're complete. That said, if it happened that we had an addition to our family through a surprise pg or circumstance, we'd welcome the newbie with joy, but we feel content with our little group of people as it is right now. :)


I wanted to add, that the absolute most difficult number of children for me was two. When the third came, things became much easier within a week of his birth. Previously, the two boys had such divergent personalities and they needed constant interaction mostly to do with this reality. Our third child made the whole atmosphere soooo different with the first two; they had a common focus and clear directives with how to proceed with their efforts because ds3 was a fabulous communicator from the beginning and gave them feedback and amusement all day. As their group dynamic developed, the differences between them became visible strengths rather than sources of conflict. At very early ages, they began negotiating in very mature ways as they saw their differences in strengths and challenges as resources to accomplish common goals. It was, and still is, a fascinating delight to watch this in action.


Number four is very mild in temperament, and he is having trouble integrating, but has made some positive inroads. He had anxiety issues as an infant and toddler, and these made it difficult for him to gradually "join" in the group dynamic, but he's figuring things out now (he turned 3 in November). Our fifth child would be considered HN if she weren't continuously carried/worn/addressed/in the middle of the action, but she is, so she's happy.


Our fifth is our only girl. This has again changed the dynamic of our family once again, and in a very different way; it's been totally awesome!


So, for those who just think having a 3rd would be too hard, rather than choosing two because it completes your family, I just wanted to offer that this is not necessarily so. Five is easier than two, for me. Waaay easier. I've adapted in ways I couldn't have with two, and the children bring their own personalities and "magic" to the mix, the beauty and richness of which cannot be underestimated, imo. I have seen in friends' families that the struggles that concern them about having a third, just don't pan out that way when a third comes, because it's not like adding another of the same; it's like a whole new group, with new and enriched perspectives and experiences. Think of a musical duet inviting a second guitarist; it's not another guitar taking up more space and requiring an extra seat and room; it's a new group with a widened horizon: a paltry analogy, but gets the idea across, I hope. :)

post #37 of 38

Dh and I wanted 7 originally. I already had a child when we met and I wanted a large family. Then my 4th was traumatic due to preterm labor and 2 weeks in the NICU followed by a miscarriage and then my next pregnancy was very stressful due to having an amniotic band and feeling very disrespected and degraded during my delivery with a midwife I hadn't met prior to his birth. I thought after that we were done. Then when I had to pack up baby clothes I was so emotional and thinking how I wouldn't mind one more and then we had a surprise pregnancy that ended in twins and we had our 7 children. Even after thinking I was done after my 5th when the twins were born I no longer felt that my family was complete and dh really wanted one more. So we had our 8th. The pregnancy was hard. I think I had damage to my uterus during my c-section with the twins and my cervix wouldn't dilate after 2 weeks of contractions and I had other complications that necessitated another c-section. That clinched it for me. Regardless of whether we wanted more children I wouldn't put my body through a 3rd c-section and due to having vertical incisions with both I knew that would be in my future so we decided to do something permanent about it. I've been thinking a lot about another baby recently. My youngest is 29 months now and weaning and it's bittersweet. I have been thinking about adoption, but at the same time, I'm getting ready to go back to school on my path to becoming a midwife which I'm very passionate about. I'm working as a doula now and loving it. I know with another baby that would derail my plans for that, and I'm comfortable now with my family the way it is. 

post #38 of 38

Yeah... We've waffled around too. I am a teacher, and since forever I knew kids, kids, kids were in my future. DH was thinking 2. I was thinking a million. We had DS1 and the whole thing totally kicked my butt. He was a very intense baby (and toddler, and now 1st grader) and I was totally unprepared for the constant-ness of it. It took me quite a while to agree to #2, and when I did, I have to say it was with some serious reluctance. My boys are 4 years apart, in part because I didn't know if I wanted more. Of course, DS2 is wonderful and we love his little self to bits. In all this, my husband really discovered that being a father is who he is and has found that he just LOVES the kid stuff and he really is a total partner in parenting doing as much as he can and he is an amazing father and is just thrilled to have a crazy house full of kid life, but we have done a complete 180- HE would have a herd of them, I'M thinking 2 is cool.


We're *thinking* about 3. Both of us are kind of mourning the idea of no more little babies, but we both also know that 3 would be a challenge right now for multiple reasons- money, space, etc. And, I'm not getting any younger, so this decision can't wait years.


I don't know what will happen. But I DO know that 3 would be IT! Due to certain issues, I've had 2 c-sections and another would be a section as well and I'd have my tubes tied while they were in there.

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