FT daycare transition - he loves it there, but unhappy with ME

[JordanKX]

DS is almost 16 months. I've had him in "playcare" (9hrs/week) for the past 3months, leading up to the potential that I might get a job. He LOVES his daycare. i LOVE his daycare. They are awesome.

I got a job.

He's now full-time daycare. Tonight ends our first week. 

He is great. he is a happy kiddo at daycare.

He is a happy kiddo when grandparents pick him up and bring him home (I teach night classes 2nights a week so grandparents are footing that responsibility right now).

But ME...

He is not happy. He is clingy, crying, screaming, in my face... only wants to be held.

When he's with dad or grandparents, he goes down without question. Happy!

But me... screams just by me carrying him into his room. Screams through that last diaper change. Doesn't matter the toys I put with him or the funny faces or the songs. He screams.

He just doesn't want the night to end.

Or at least... that's what I'm figuring.

Mornings are the worst. This morning I realized, I can't do this to him/me over and over again. I'm going to have to get up before him and pack the car. At least IF he freaks out, it'll only be by putting him in the car... not by watching me get my laptop together, his daycare stuff together, all while clinging to my legs, screaming. Screams I've never heard before. Unbelievable screams - like he's choking, can't even go anymore screams. Gotta stop that one. I've gotta be proactive here.

And when I get home, to wear him. He won't play, he will not be consoled... all he wants is me. So I'll start wearing him immediately. And in the ergo with him in front, Facing me, seemed to work tonight. I haven't worn him that way in months (normally he's on my back), but he really needs ME connection. And tonight wearing him at my face, so he could poke at my face and 100% intrude on me cooking or cleaning or whatever else I was doing.... that seemed to be exactly where he wanted to be).

But.... is this enough? Is this the right tactic?

If he could internalize, I think it would be Anger. Abandonment. Why are you doing this to me?

Since he can't... I'm just assuming it's that he just needs more ME, in the limited time we have.

Does this sound right?

Other ideas?

Edited by JordanKX - 1/8/11 at 1:05pm

[pregnant@40]

I don't have ideas for you, but wanted to empathize. I have been there & know its an extremely painful experience. Our years of daycare were excruciating for me b/c my son would exhibit this same kind of anger/abandonment behavior w/ me. As the primary caregiver, Moms (typically) get the brunt of it. And full-time daycare is VERY difficult for some kids. It's a no-win situation for Moms, for either you relinquish your career or you jump into your job half-heartedly (since those screams can haunt you throughout the day). What a difficult thing for us to face.

One thing though -- I wouldn't worry about coddling your child too much. He really does need you, he's little & you were his most important world from birth until full-time daycare. You were his security, and now it has been taken away from him. Please give him maximum love when you are with him, for he needs it more than anything. He needs those feelings of security reestablished, and it will probably be a long process of adjustment. He needs to know that you love him just as much as before, that your love for him hasn't changed. He's still just a baby. Remember, kids of all ages regress a bit when there is a new life stressor, they just aren't sophisticated enough to deal w/ big changes. He needs cuddles, kisses, and lots of coos. And maybe cosleeping, if you aren't already doing it.

Best wishes to you.

[laurabfig]

JordanKX- you sound like you are an amazing mama to this little guy.  Sounds like it is just the transition that is hard right now.  My thoughts are with you.  I don't have any advice per se, but just wanted to encourage you that it will get easier.  This is probably the hardest part.

It is so wonderful that you actually like the place where he is in daycare.  That is a huge blessing.  When my older 2 were young, there were a few places we used short-term that I didn't feel good about and it made it hard for me to work.

Hang in there!  You're doing a great job.

[alevagon]

agreed that this is extremely difficult.  i work from home, so don't have to worry about this, but i'm convinced that little ones are meant to be with their mommies.  there's no one that loves him as much as you do and no one who cares for him as much as you do.  he knows that and, unfortunately, we cannot always give that to them.  hang in there.  it should get better.