6 year old no longer invited to birthdays, playdates, has no friends

[monkeybum]

My DS (6yo) seems to be having trouble playing with other kids, and my working-mother-guilt keeps saying "told you so, this is what happens to kids who grow up in daycare" (he's been in daycare since 11months).  The funny thing is, he is great at school, the teachers praise him all the time for how polite he is and how he always uses his manners, he is also a hard worker and doing great academically.  But he has no friends.

He used to have friends, lots of them.  Up until about a year and a half ago.  What I've noticed is that he has stopped being invited to playdates, was no longer invited to birthday parties, (even of relatives and family friends) and he has no friends at school.  When we had relatives over during the holidays, he would chase all of the kids around waving a stick or throw toys at them.  When we went to a friends over New Years, the other kids finally came and said they don't want to play with him because he kept throwing balls at them and laughing.  It's like he doesn't know how to interact with kids properly.

We had issues when he was younger about him only wanting to play "his" games and not wanting to play other kids games, we talked alot about it and roll played, he had lots of friends at the time so I wasn't too worried.

I have a 3 year old as well and they rarely "play", DS always just wants to "fight" and "wrestle" or they just run around throwing things at each other.  It's like they don't know how to play normally.

I keep thinking that if I was around more I could be teaching them "right from wrong", and be there with him while he interacts with other kids to help him be a better friend, but I work long hours so he ends up in before/after school programs and at school all day, (and camp programs every time there is a school break).  His father lives with us, (for now) but battles depression and isn't very involved with the kids at all.  So I'm feeling mega guilt like I'm not there for my kids and I want to find a way to help him be a better person so he can make friends.  I wish I could be a SAHM but that will never happen unless I win the lottery.

Any advice out there?  I have so little time and so many things to try to fit in, how do I help him when I only see him 2 hours every day?

Sad mamma.

Edited by monkeybum - 1/8/11 at 6:10am

[One_Girl]

This sounds more like an issue of him not knowing how to behave with other kids, not like a daycare issue, unless your children go to a daycare where they don't supervise the kids.  As kids get older that type of behavior becomes less acceptable but not all kids move out of it.  Daycares tend to redirect behavior like that but school recesses and most playdates don't have that same level of supervision.

How closely do you supervise him when you are at other homes with kids?  It sounds like you know what the problem is so I suggest talking to him about the expectations and staying right on top of him when you are around other kids.  I think he is old enough to be told how other people feel about his behavior and to be taught what he should be doing instead.  It may take a long time for him to change what he is doing, especially if this has always been a problem but it stopped being acceptable to other kids and adults once he passed preschool age.  I do think it is worth working on though so he can develop friendships again.  

I really like the Raising a Thinking Pre-Teen book by Myrna Shure because it gives family activites that you can do during dinner to help the whole family develop an awareness for how other people might feel about something you are doing that affects them and children are able to use that information to guide their choices when they are trying to make friends.  There is also a Raising a Thinking Child book by the same author.

[pregnant@40]

Wow, I'm so, so sorry. Only 2 hrs per day w/ your kids is so very little. Obviously he would benefit from a parent who is present, but how you provide that, I just don't know. I understand your pain. Any way to kick the father's butt in gear & demand he get more involved? Depression is not really an excuse, for there are lots of choices for treatment. The kid needs his mom AND dad...

[Alyantavid]

Have you talked to him about it at all?  Surely he notices that other kids don't want to play with him, maybe just making him aware of how he's acting could help.  Have you spoken with his teacher or his afterschool caregivers about how he's doing?  They may have some ideas as well.

Good luck!  It's not easy being a working mom and even worse when the guilt kicks in. 

[madskye]

Don't blame it on daycare...it sounds like his social interactions were going better while he was in daycare, right?  So what is different now?  Is the class bigger?  Is he less closely supervised?  Eating less regularly?   Have the other kids made a maturity leap that he hasn't made yet?  Did you have relationships with the daycare parents that led to playdates and birthday parties, and you haven't made those relationships with kids at his new school?  (I know that is something we are dealing with--we were very tight with the parents at DD's daycare, and now that she's in kindergarten I have to befriend a whole new group of moms and kids so that she can have a social life!  She's not really big enough to do it on her own yet--initiate playdates with what's basically strangers.) 

He also sounds really physical.  Would he benefit from Saturday gymnastics or some kind of tae kwon do that might help his interactions as well as work on his self-control?

[nextcommercial]

Originally Posted by madskye 

He also sounds really physical.  Would he benefit from Saturday gymnastics or some kind of tae kwon do that might help his interactions as well as work on his self-control?

I agree.  I bet he'd enjoy some kind of martial arts class. 

It's not daycare, or the fact that you work.  Millions of kids go to daycare, and it doesn't cause social problems.  Maybe he needs a smaller daycare group?  Perhaps there's a home daycare near the school with kids his age that walk home together?  My daughter's best friends came over after school with her every day, and it was a wonderful social experience for her.  But, she wouldn't have done so well in a large group.  The after school program was a madhouse!  My daycare kids came home, ate snack, watched tv, then either played outside, or played UNO, or did homework.  They spent hours together, and then spent their free time together too.

[nina_yyc]

No, nope, uh-uh, that's not the inevitable result of a child in daycare. If so then a lot of us on this forum are in trouble ;-)  I think you said it yourself - the problem is that he "doesn't know how to interact with other kids properly."  There is lots you can do to help, even 2 hours a day and weekends.  When there is a behavioral thing I'm working on at home, I get DD's day home mama on board and try to get together with her on strategies and key words.  She's had some great suggestions too.

[Owen'nZoe]

I just have to third the martial arts suggestion. It has been an amazing help for my older son, who was never aggressive, but did have problems respecting others' boundaries, which led to problems with other kids. We just started my youngest son, who IS having trouble with physical aggression, and are already starting to see the tiniest little bit of improvement.

[DariusMom]

Just to chime in a bit late, it sounds like there's a lot going on at home. You all have split up, but Dad is still living at home. It's gotta' be a bit confusing. This is *not* to say that it's all somehow your fault! Just that it's much more likely, IMHO, to be related to issues in your relationship than in daycare. Hang in there.

[Ellien C]

There's also a change in parties and stuff at 6 yo. In day care, pretty much all 12 kids were invited to the b-day parties, because - well, who else did we know? By school age - 1st grade, the kids wanted more say in who was invited to their parties - there were old friends from day care, new friends from school, neighborhood kids. I noticed that we got invited to many fewer parties with the switch to elementary school. Just now, we have an invite to a 2 year old's party (because who else do they know?) but I wouldn't expect that to continue when the kid is 6. Is it possible this is what's going on with relatives? Are they around the same age as your son?

I agree that there could be some behavioral issues, but you don't know it's day care's fault. There could be many, many reasons. For what it's worth, I have an "inflexible-explosive" child, so I do know what you're saying. But I never once thought it had anything to do with day care. Her issues definitely became more noticeable as she entered grade school. We're doing much better with a play therapist. I have some threads over in The

Childhood years forum. You might poke around in there for some more advice.