Motherhood again after 48 years

[Nanna70]

Hi, let me tell you something about me.  I am 70 years old and have been married to my second husband for 41 years.  I have two adopted children; a boy 48 and a girl 44.  The boy was adopted at 3 days old through private doctor.  The girl through a social service agency at age 6 months.

I have had years of heartache with my son now age 48 presently in a 3 month rehab, court appointed.  My daughter, on the other hand, was a pretty good child and we had a great relationship until she married at age 21.  She married a very controlling man who decided he didn't want her to be around us anymore.  I saw it coming from the get-go and even talked to my daughter about this.  Well, I put up with his disrespect for 10 years until I couldn't do it anymore.  I told my daughter she and the children were always welcome, but he was not.  Guess I shouldn't have done that because she chose not to see us anymore.  Still we have had an on and off again relationship for the past few years.  The last time we got together was the final straw.  She wanted to find her biological family.  I gave her all the information I had, and she located them within 2 weeks.  She had a big family reunion, asked me to send family photos, which I did, then never invited my husband (2nd husband who helped me raise both children) to the reunion.  When asked why, she told me her oldest daughter 18, didn't want us there because she didn't like us!  This hurt since I haven't seen her for 13 years.  I said "sounds like she's been brainwashed!"  Amen, end of relationship.

My son who was not without talent, he is a plasterer/mason had his own business, was very successful, until he divorced then he went down his present road of destruction and has remained there for the past 35 years.  Drugs have been his downfall.  He has two children, whom we have been estranged from for 15 years.  His daughter 22, had a little girl, whom she tried to care for, but ultimately drugs took over, and after the court tried for almost 3 years to get her back on her feet, she finally lost control of her child.

This is where I come in.  Although the child has three grandmothers, aged 40-52 years old, none were qualified to take the child because of bad records!  The social service called me one day, mind you I didn't even know about a child, and asked if we would take her in.  I said, "NO!"  MY GOD I'M 70 YEARS OLD!  They told me the child, a little girl was almost 3 years old and would be put up for adoption soon.  HMMMMM????  What to do!  My husband and I talked about it and of course took her in.

She has been with us for 9 months now.  She is a beautiful child.  You have to feel sorry for her because they just dropped her off her and left.  We were perfect strangers.  She was scared to death and for the next month exhibited all types of bad behavior.  She was not potty trained although she was almost 3 years old, she didn't have much of a vocabulary, she did have terrible tantrums, and night terrors.

Here it is 9 months later and she is potty trained, except at night, she has a great vocabulary, she goes to preschool 5 days a week, she eats very well, no longer has night terrors and rarely has tantrums anymore.  Basically, she is pretty well-behaved, but does have a stubborn streak with a temper that errupts on occasion.

I need help in remembering what and what not to expect from an almost 4 year old child.  She does not always obey in school or at home.  I've been doing the "time-out" thing with her, and it works for a while, but then we have to do something different because the time-out thing ceases to bother her.

At pre-school she has been testing me starting with going into class in the morning.  She runs around the playground when everyone else goes into class.  She was terrible!  I did everything except pull her panties down and spank her.  Patience are short when you're this age!  I think I have finally gotten the upper-hand on this behavior.  I simply told her if she exhibited that behavior again, and did not go into class with the others, I would just put her back in the car and take her home.  She hasn't done it since that threat!  I was prepared to do that so I know that consistancy is important in raising a child.

Now my question here is "how do I get her to obey at school?"  I'm working on a new theory here and want your opinion.  I have toys left from Xmas I did not give her, she had way too many.  I put them up in the closet and told her she had to go a full week in school in order to "earn" a toy.  Maybe a full week, 5 days, is too long? 

Does anyone out there think this is normal behavior for a 4 year old?  Not obeying, that is?  Defying authority?  Maybe I'm just a bit "gun-shy" because of my son!! 

Also, any suggestions af far as what to say when she says "where is my mommy?"  I am working on having her meet with a child physcologist, but they all are saying she's too young!  I don't think she is, do you?

OK, talk about writing a book, sorry about the length, hope you don't fall asleep reading this.

I am really interested in your imput!

Thanks, Nanna70

[Super~Single~Mama]

Wow.  I'd say to check out the adoptive and foster parenting board, found here: http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/list/165

and Welcome!

[jljeppson]

Hi Nanna, welcome to MDC!  Wow, that's a lot to take on at any age (a grandchild you didn't know about, from a broken home with all the resulting issues).  I think you acted appropriately with the refusal to attend class.  As you said, she's been testing you and needed to know what her limits were.  Also as you said, intending to carry through on your threat and being consistent is the key for children this age.  One can't blame you for worrying about disobedience with your son's history, but this is definitely normal behavior for a child this age.  It doesn't mean she shouldn't be expected to listen, because she IS old enough to do so, but that occasional lapses are normal.  The toy prize is a good idea, and no a week isn't too long for her to wait.  What helps with a child this age is to give them a daily reminder that they are working towards something.  Kids this age are very visual, so a calendar that she can put a sticker on every day that she does a good job would allow her to see her progress.  Explain to her that when she has one weeks worth of stickers (show her what a week is), she can earn the toy (you can even turn it into a counting lesson).  Be prepared to have it take a little while for her to earn one, and for her to have occasional lapses when she doesn't.  Plus, the older she gets the longer she can learn to wait to earn her prize.  Praise is definitely going to be key.  Every time she puts a sticker on the calendar, make sure to praise her and mention specific things she had done that was pleasing.  As she becomes more secure in her surroundings, the happier she'll be and the less prone to testing authority.  Coming from her families background, she's probably not used to discipline or having anything expected of her so she's having to learn a lot of new things.  As for asking about mommy, honesty is usually the best way to deal with it.  I have friends that were adopted from a similar situation, and their adoptive parents were always upfront with them about why they weren't with their biological parents anymore.  Of course you have to keep in mind what a child that age can process, so keeping it simple "Mommy is sick, so can't care for you.  It doesn't mean she doesn't love you, but that she needs time to try to get better.  Grandpa and I love you and we're here with you."  As for a child psychologist, no she isn't too young.  Many people have memories from that age, some even from earlier years.  At the very least, it doesn't hurt to have her evaluated and just talking with a psychologist about her situation can be very valuable to you.  If nothing else, they would be able to offer you advice and support.  Here's my turn for the book, hope it helps!

[Nanna70]

Hi jijeppson and thanks for your response.  I really appreciate your imput and it is great to know that she is acting appropriately for her age.  I will do the visual calendar as you suggested. 

In the beginning I did say that Mommy was sick and couldn't care for you, however, I began to think that this might scare her if anyone here got sick.  Therefore, I changed to my present scenario which is Mommy has no job and without a job she has no money, no car, no house, no food.  Without these things she cannot take care of you.  As soon as she gets these things maybe this will change. 

Tonight she said, "why do we have an empty chair at the dinner table?"  I said who should be there?  She replied,"X" mommy's name.  My husband said, "where is she?"  The baby quoted me word for word!  Hmmmm?  and you think they're not paying attention huh?  Anyway, I told her this is why it is so important to learn at school so you will be able to take care of your children.

God knows if I'm doing right or wrong.  Still going to try for the psychologist just to evaluate her.

I only pray I live long enough to see her reach her teens!  I have no plan B, but I know God will think of something.

Hugs, Nanna70

[Lillitu]

Welcome Nanna70. Your big heart is welcome here!

[jljeppson]

Glad to hear I could be of some help.  I hope you stick around here at MDC Nanna70, we're happy to have moms of all sorts.  If the saying that it takes a village to raise a child is true, then for a lot of us MDC is our village.

Jen

[WindyCityMom]

I am very touched by your story!  I have no doubt that you are an amazing person. 

As far as the discipline issues, feel free to check out the Gentle Discipline subforum and post a question there :)  There are some wonderful people who hang out in that subforum that have helped me on more than one occasion! :)

Here's a link to it:

http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/list/36

[graceomalley]

Welcome to MDC!  I saw your thread in new posts ... there are some great forums to offer you support here.

[Nanna70]

Thanks to all you wonderful mammas!  I really appreciate your taking the time to respond to my post.

I did check out the other behavior forum and found exactly what I wanted to know, and that was that my great-grandaughter sounds pretty normal.   In fact, I think because I've been really consistant with disciplining her that she is actually not as bad as I thought.

She definitely knows when I mean business.  One thing about being old and raising a child is you have lots and lots of time to devote to them; also lots of time spend on discipline.

God love you all,

Hugs, Nanna70

[Irishmommy]

Welcome to Mothering!