SPD and social problems in preschooler....Help!

[kozer1]

Hello everyone,

My three year old daughter who was diagnosed with moderate-severe sensory processing disorder awhile back and has a ton of social issues surrounding it. She's always been this way since even infancy - As an infant, she couldn't (ever!) tolerate anyone but me, and as an older baby to now, has issues with socializing with peers (or even some adults). It's been an on-and-off (moslty on!) issue and a huge uphill battle. I won't get into every detail since I could go on all night here....But I really need some advice. She goes to a special needs preschool thru the school district M-F for 2.5 hours a day. They know of her social/sensory problems, but it has recently gotten worse. When she first started (last May), she did okay...Not into socializing too much and just hated loud, unruly child-like behavior. But she got through the day without tears most of the time - she was just very, very quiet. Hardly spoke. That is her coping mechanism - to just not speak hardly at all. Summer came along, and school was out....When she went back in September, it was like night and day. Complete change. Loved people, talked up a storm. Over the summer she went through a speech explosion and things seemed to really ease up. She had her small moments, of course, but for the most part she was like a different child. It was wonderful! I thought that finally, we were making head-way. November came along, and EVERYTHING changed back slowely to what she used to be. It was the middle of November. She got slightly better over the course of 3 weeks, but, after Christmas vacation, when she went back, it was a complete nightmare again. This past week was horrible! Even her home behavior is 10x worse. All sensory issues came flooding in again. The school didn't report anything yet to me, but I know she's been struggling because she is upset getting on the bus and off again. (That's what she's was doing back in November). I'm sure this week something will be said to me.

A quick little background thing about her: I am a stay-at-home mom and always have been, so she always had very limited exposure to other children. I assumed that with preschool she would get better. But it's obvious she still is very back-and-forth with things. She did have her moments before preschool where should would be 'okay' with other kids (and overall sensory issues) for a short time, but it always comes back to her old behavior. I also want to mention that she is a VERY anxious child. But that also varies too! I never know what sets off what with her. It's like she is functioning great one week, and then the next week she is a complete mess. There is no pattern to it at all. That's what makes it so frustrating! I even kept a strict journal trying to figure it out, and nothing makes sense. The day everything went to he** with school, she came off the bus and I mentioned Christmas dress shopping and she went to tears. Every since that day we've been struggling again. (She never much liked talking about Christmas since then, and seems to have small issues with cold/snow - even though better than last year - maybe this is setting something off...I have no clue. She has gotten like this in the summer to so who knows!! Like I said, no pattern!)

She does speak, but still somewhat delayed. She is not good at expressing the "why's" to her behavior...For example, she'll come home from school and clearly tell me that she does not like school. I'll ask why, and she'll just say because she doesn't like it. That pretty much goes with everything. I can only guess at why she doesn't like it (loud noises/kids, etc.) 

Tonight was a disaster, for example. Tonight my niece came over (who is very loud and unruly). Leah has always had on and off issues with her, but has been handling her pretty well for awhile. Well, tonight, suddenly, she could not handle being around her at all. Crying the whole night. Not speaking, to even me. And last night, we went to a dinner at my aunt's, who for the past few months she has tolerated well, and she clearly did not want to be there. Didn't speak to anyone, and when someone approached her, she would just stare at them and begin to cry. She always loved my uncle, and last night would not even go near him. (Last week when she saw him, she was all over him with hugs and laughter.)

So.....I am wondering HOW I can get her to be more comfortable socially. More exposure? Different experiences other than school? I always believed that more exposure would eradicate the problem...Or any fear...But I don't know...The only other opportunity to be around other kids is my gym's babysitting room. I haven't been there for awhile, but she seemed to do okay there. Shaky at first, but learned to love going there. That was back over the summer into September though, She was pretty good back then...I am sure if I brought her there now, she'd be a hot mess. But then again, maybe she just needs more exposure so she can learn other coping mechanisms or to just plain old get used to it? I don't want to hold her back and shield her like I tend to do...Maybe if I just put her out there more, it might help. Even when she was an infant to now, we never really had much social experiences before she started preschool....

There also is a chance I may have to return to work in the near future....which means she will have to be bussed from her preschool to daycare which is going to be really intense for her, I'm sure. I kind of wanted to figure something out before this possibility becomes a reality.

I speak to her everyday about her behavior at school and such - assuring her that having friends is fun, asking her if she likes school (always says yes, but who knows the truth in that...I almost feel like I conditioned her at this point to say yes to anything I ask related to school), asking her if she talks to her friends/likes her friends (again, yes), etc. etc. I feel like I am pressuring her sometimes. I am just trying to find answers as to what is going on. Teacher sees nothing/no changes. I told her my daughter is very sensitive to things (like kids stealing toys, yelling at her, etc.) but she said none of that happens (I'm SURE it does. 3 year olds are 3 year olds after all...lol) Ugh, I'm just at a loss here!

Another fact I want to mention is I have started her on a few supplements (and plan to add more) that I've heard helps with sensory issues. There is an assortment of things from fish oils, cal/mag, ionic zinc, and a few other things. Have yet to see any change in sensory function. (As you can tell I am pretty much willing to try anything at this point that may help her!)

I am just so upset over this. Especially when she was doing SO well from September to November. It was a huge let down when the issues surfaced again. So disappointing :(

I know this is also having to do with anxiety, but I know it ties into sensory with being afraid of loud noises/surprises, etc. It's a big mess.

Okay, so I have written a book here...lol...Anyone here dealing with these issues? Suggestions? Advice? I am very open-minded.....  :)

Thank you in advance!

PS - Just wanted to add that she has been evaluated for Autism or Autism-like tendencies, but passed with flying colors. This is purely just Sensory Processing Disorder. (When she so chooses to socialize, she does very well with appropriate responses and age appropriate social skills with only a slight speech delay. She is big on imaginative play and doesn't stim at all in any way. The social issues only occur when she goes through these 'episodes' (as I like to call them!) And I know the anxiety spells hold her back even though she understands the social cues and whatnot. Just wanted to add that as part of her background!

[WindyCityMom]

I wanted to offer up some hugs and let you know that I'm going through similar things with my 3yoDD.  She hasn't been diagnosed with SPD but it is very clear to me that she has it.  She has the exact same issues.

I'm curious- could it be her diet?  Gluten?  Soy?  Dairy?  Some kind of intolerance?  My DD has several things that she can only eat in moderation or not at all that send her flying off the handle and into total SPD he**.  Gluten, artificial colors, preservatives, high fructose corn syrup, and now quite possibly dairy, are on our list.  She still eats gluten and dairy in MODERATION, but has major issues when she has larger quantities of them.

[kittynurse]

When did you start the supplements?  We've done many of the ones you listed and we definitely see a worsening in behaviour at the beginning.  Maybe that could be the problem?

Martha

[LynnS6]

Several thoughts:

Is she getting occupational therapy for her sensory issues? If she's not, I would REALLY focus on that. The occupational therapy will help her regulate sensory input. Until she can do that, she will be at the mercy of her environment. That can make a child fearful and nervous, reactive, anxious and all the other things you describe. If, for whatever reason, occupational therapy isn't an option, then you and the school need to craft a sensory plan for her. I would start with the books: Sensational Kids and The Out of Sync Child has fun. Raising a Sensory Smart Child is good too. Even if she is doing OT, then you need to work with the OT for a program for home and school.

Second as pp's suggested: Look at diet. Has she been eating anything out of the ordinary? More of some things than usual? Also look at sleep. My kids' sleep schedules got completely out of whack over Christmas break (and in December in general) and it has made behavior more challenging for our daughter.

Finally, I would gently remind you that she is THREE. Many three year olds aren't that social. If she's an introvert + SPD (my older child), she may not need as much social interaction as you think. Especially since she's getting social interaction at preschool, I would shelter her from a lot of other social requirements for a while. It's really OK. If you need to go out to have interaction to keep your sanity, that's fine. But don't stress that your dd doesn't seem to enjoy it. Instead, I'd focus on creating a calm, relaxing routine at home. Make sure she gets enough sleep, enough to eat, enough time to just hang by herself and do whatever a 3 year old does.

I'd also look around your family. Who's the introvert? What do they like to do? Maybe talk to them about what helped them as they were kids. Even if your immediate family doesn't have the characteristics of your dd, I bet someone in the extended family will have some of them.

At age 3, our ds (SPD+introvert+a little anxiety) never wanted to have a lot of social interaction. He had no play dates. He hated classes. He refused to participate at Sunday School and insisted that we stay with him the whole time (so we did). He wouldn't go to the nursery during church. He was in daycare 3x a week because he had to be. We choose a center carefully for him (quiet, well regulated schedule, plenty of non-group time). He stayed there through K because I felt he wasn't ready for public K. He's 9 now. He still has a much lower need for social interaction than other kids. He's fine at school (public school), but largely OK by himself at home. But he has friends. Other kids like him and seek him out to play at times. In the last 2 years, he's had tremendous growth. He's ASKING to sign up for sports. He's still the quietest kid on the team, but he enjoys it. He volunteered to acolyte at church (help serve on the altar). This involves him being in front of the whole church, and saying something to people at communion time. That's  HUGE step for a child who was selectively mute at Sunday School/daycare, and never wanted to do anything. Occupational Therapy helped a ton, but so did age and maturity. I'm convinced he made these strides because we found (mostly through trial and error) the right mix of pushing gently with a lot of time for him to do his own thing.

I guess what I'm saying is: Take a deep breath. You do not need to make your child more comfortable in social situations immediately. Help her with her sensory needs. Expose her to different things because that's what YOU as a family need/want to do, but not because it's 'good for her'. Don't compare her to other children you know. She may never be the most outgoing, but the  world needs people to listen too!

[beachcomber]

I want to say two things:

1. Hugs and positive vibes to you, Mama. You aren't alone and we here in this space understand. :) :hug

2. Have you ever had her assessed for ASD? I only ask because my DD (diagnosed with Autistic Disorder this past summer at 4y8mo) had SPD initially combined with social interaction problems that showed up at preschool. It took us a while to get hte Dx but she is on the spectrum.

[mammal_mama]

Mama -- big HUGS! You are not alone. I'm going to share a little about my experience with my own dd, just to give an alternate viewpoint for you to consider but not to say that the same thing works for every child.

My younger dd, who is now about to turn 6 this March, was also evaluated as having sensory processing issues a couple of years ago (sensory seeking in her case). In my case, I did get some good ideas from the occupational therapist about helpful activities, but I ended up deciding not to extend the therapy beyond what had been originally offered, even though the therapist had gotten clearance for us to come longer, because she started spending less time on the large motor activities that dd found so helpful, and insisting that she had to get used to sitting at the table and doing small motor activities when adults wanted her to sit there, and for as long as adults wanted her to sit there, because that's what she'd have to do in school. We unschool so I just didn't feel the same urgency about table-readiness.

My dd also had a hard time relating to other children for a long time, though she was more the one creating the stress rather than getting stressed. Between the ages of around two and three, it was like other children her age or smaller were little toys, and she'd make a beeline for them and do stuff like grab their hair and pull, or grab their little faces and pinch really hard. It was a nightmare practically anytime we were around other little kids, and I actually went through a time of hardly ever leaving the house and yard with her. To meet the needs of her older sister, I'd stay in the yard and keep dd2 fenced in with me, while I kept an eye on dd1 as she played with other children on the block. Dd1 also had lots of playdates and slumber parties with her friends at our house and we'd often have to keep dd2 separate from these friends, too.

During this time, dh would often take dd1 to the park when he got home from work because he knew how hard it was for me to take dd2 because of all her aggressive behavior, and also because of her tendency to want to run around in all directions AWAY from the play area, sometimes even heading straight into the street laughing, meaning that dd1 didn't get to play much then because she'd be running to stop her sister who ran a lot faster than I could.

As she has grown it has gradually gotten better. By the time I was taking her to therapy, she was past the "other children are toys" stage, and playing really nicely a lot of the time, but I found that the playtimes still needed to be short, because if it got too long she could suddenly turn aggressive. Now that she is almost six, she loves playing with other children and can engage in imaginary play with her friends, or on her own, for hours at a time. (Now, in my dd's case she does still do what I think you call "stimming" behavior. She periodically flaps her arms which the OT told me was her way of getting the blood to flow to her extremeties in order to get a sense of where her body is in space.)

In my dd's case, she got to this place of relating so well with other children because of her own maturity and readiness. I didn't follow the OT's advice to put her into the special needs preschool through the public school. I have also had to return to work part time. However, this didn't become necessary until dd2 was 5. Since you say that the need for you to return to work is a possibility for the future, it sounds like it is not something that needs to happen tomorrow. With my own dd, this transition was tremendously easier at age 5 than it would have been at 3. In our case, dh and I work opposite schedules so he is available to the girls while I'm working, but, had it been a case of her needing to go to school and/or daycare, I think she'd also do quite well with that now. Just something to think about -- I didn't do anything special when dd was 3 to prepare her for when she was 5 and I needed to work, since I hadn't even a thought of ever going back to work at that time! And she was still way more ready, because of natural maturity.

I think there's a risk of not enjoying this current time in your lives if you're trying so hard to prepare her for the next stage.

Edited by mammal_mama - 1/10/11 at 8:17am