I need advice...Please help...

[sexxy1978]

Hi,

A little about me: I am about 32, college degreed, no tuition bills and make over 80k in my career (10years+). I had owned 3 homes before I was 27years old. I live on my own in a very nice spacious place. I have traveled to Italy, Switzerland and all over the Caribbean Islands. Everything was wonderful until I met this guy, whom I thought was genuine. In 3 months of knowing him, I got pregnant. Prior to that, I have never been pregnant. Upon finding out I am pregnant, I told him and found out alot of other things about him. He's living with another women, I didn't know about until she hacked his email account and contacted me. He has slept over at my place before. She told me, basically he's a loser, he doesn't work, he's 38 years old. All he does all day is sit on facebook and friend request women, according to her. Yet she said she's been living with him for over 4yrs. He doesn't pay any bills or anything. So now I am hurt, confused, angry. Since then, he blamed me and refused to speak to me. He said, the women is lying and he doesn't live with her and he is employed. Since then we have not been on speaking terms. He said that the women and I were trying to set him up. I never even met this lady and because I did not know him long, I can't justify his rebuttal to her conversation with me.

I am not interested in dating him, but since I am pregnant I wanted to keep some sort of professional communication for child support and the sake of my child. I wanted the court to be a last resort, not the first weapon I draw. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel guilty about keeping my baby because I feel he will not be there. I think about him abandoning the child, also my baby not carrying his/her father's last name. I don't own my homes anymore, but I still live on my own and working on purchasing a new house later this year. I have two retirement savings plan. I just don't know if I am doing the right thing by. Please advise.... 

[GranoLLLy-girl]

If I were you, I'd cut all ties with this man and move on your own.  If you make as much money as you have posted and he is unemployed--you will not be getting ANY child support.  You can't take anything from 0.  I would also consider putting the baby up for adoption.  It just doesn't sound like you are in a place where this child was what you wanted.  You don't even really know this guy.  Don't make a permanent life mistake because of a short-term (sounds like crummy) relationship.  Taking this guy to court will just cost you heartache, money, and headaches. 

[sexxy1978]

Thanks for answering granolly girl. I forgot to mention that I always wanted to have a baby. Also, I've heard that if he is collecting unemployment they do go after it.  A part of me lives in that baby too.

[GranoLLLy-girl]

They might do that.  But you will spend a fortune in attorney fees just trying to collect that little bit.  Then you will have the hassle of having to share this baby with that man.  A man you know nothing about.  I was married for 20 years and my ex left.  Raising two kids is HARD work--and I'm a PhD--being a single parent to these two children is MUCH harder than getting that PhD.  There is so much to consider in all of this.  I'm not trying to be harsh--but boy, when I read some of the stories on this board from women who actually LOVED the men they had kids with and all the stuff they are suffering through NOW--it scares the heck out of me.  I cannot even imagine having to deal with someone for the rest of my life because you have a child in common--and that is it.  I understand wanting a child.  I wanted three and have two.  But I also know that I had my first one when ex and I had been married for 10 years--I was 37 at the time.  And even then, raising a child was hard.  You are young.  You need to consider that having this child will mean a total lifestyle change for you.  Do you really want to do that alone???  If I had had a choice in this matter, I would have never had kids and be a single parent.  Never.  In fact, we waited for a decade before having them because I was so afraid of being where I am NOW.  I now have to live my life completely based on them:  have to live in a certain location because of where they go to school and where dad lives; have to give up weekends with them so dad can be with them---have to give up half of my holidays with them for him.  And he's actually a decent dad, even if he has been a crappy husband.  These gals on this board fight tooth and nail to have ex pay for things, have ex steal away with the kids, introduce their kids to people, places and situations they don't approve of--and the list goes on and on.  I'd get some counseling if I were you.  This is a heavy duty decision you've got to make. 

[sexxy1978]

Granolly girl I am so glad I am speaking with you about this. I was suppose to start grad school this January and had planned to transfer to Pepperdine University in the latter. I still want to pursue my degree whether its in the short or long-term goals. The fortunate thing is my parents are married and lives 20 minutes walking distance. My grandparents lives next door to them. my maternal grandma lives with my parents. My mom works nights and is available until 6:30pm. My dad is always available and my sister (college degreed in the medical field) lives at home with my parents and she's home after 5pm. My grandparents that lives next door are retired and they were the ones that used to babysit us. You are absolutely correct that it won't be easy at all. Maybe I should just cut him out the picture for good. Give my baby my last name. That way I have full custody and control of whom comes in and out my baby's life from that aspect. I always wanted to have kids but was afraid to. I always thought the safest place ot have kids was in a marriage but after reading many posts, it leads me to believe that a loser is a loser and a marriage does not dress them up any better. If that is the case I guess I can do it with my family. They are so far happy about the pregnancy. I think with time and lots of tears, I will get over the hurt and betrayal. But I don't want to give up on my baby. Because that baby has a major part of me as well. I was thinking of going back to school now for nursing or something. I have an accounting degree, I have a corporate title already. But a degree in opposite field might give me the cushion of a back up plan. This site is wonderful, it actually allows me to step back and read all these thoughts that were jumbled and harboring space mentally. I do have a game plan, I just don't want it to be clouded with anger because of him.

[NolaRiordan]

I agree that I would cut ties with this guy and move on. Whatever kind of support you would get from this guy is not going to be worth the hassle, is my hunch. And do you want to risk the chance that you would have to share custody with him?

[Rani]

Realistically..and you MUST think realistically..the conversations you have had with the gal and this guy are telling you that they want no part of this child. It is more than likely that she contacted you because are you not the first nor the last he has impregnated and this is a normal way for them to tell you to kiss off. I hate to be blunt but there it is. 

You are a strong independent woman it sounds like and can make it on your own. Society SAYS dad has to be in the picture - but thats not really the case. Think about it.."dad" is not this guy that will begrudge ANY interaction and probably wont have any at all. "Dad" will be the male in your life that DOES things with the child, laughs with the child, remembers his or her birthday and is THERE.  Whether that is your own dad or someone you meet down the line.  Don't mistake BIO dad with REAL dad....

You have several options.  Have the child and forget about the sperm donor - for that is what he was or give the child up or, truthfully, to not have the child.  If its not too late for such a decision.

Good luck and you are in my prayers no matter what decision you make.

take care

[nola79]

I, too, would cut all ties and move on. It's not worth the heartache and problems that will come later on, believe me.

[Halfasianmomma]

My XH was very similar to the man you describe in your post. I too received communication from his former partner and I stupidly chose to believe my then-husband over the former wife. I really regret that. Don't get me wrong, I do NOT regret having my child, but perhaps I could have saved myself some heartache by walking away from XH sooner. You're one step ahead in that you realize you won't get a thing out of your sperm donor.

From the sounds of your post, you seem to be financially independent. If you are able to do support your child on your own, I would no pursue Sperm Donor for child support. As other posters have mentioned, you can't get blood from a stone.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma 

 

I would no pursue Sperm Donor for child support. As other posters have mentioned, you can't get blood from a stone.

Yup, and additionally, if you don't want this man to be actively engaged in your child's life, pursuing child support gives him the right to pursue a relationship that he might otherwise not pursue.  He would still have the right to pursue a relationship with the child, but after several years of not his rights may be terminated or if you find another man that you want to marry the child could be adopted if your future spouse wanted to (all very complicated, this is not a complete statement, just a nutshell)

[pupsnelda]

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I think you are in pretty good place to have the baby without a "dad". I would forget about him and do it by yourself. And no, your child won't suffer because "he" is not there, YOU are there.

Edited by pupsnelda - 1/9/11 at 2:10pm

[GranoLLLy-girl]

I'm glad that all of these moms have chimed in.  Because they are all correct.  Seek counseling.  Then make a decision based on you and the child alone.  Do not wish for things that will never happen.  Believe me, that's the fastest way to ruin your life.

[sexxy1978]

Thank you for your honest opinion. I have thought about it day and night. I have come to the conclusion that not involving him is the best option. I do have a supportive family, who cooks for me whatever I crave and good friends that I always enjoy great fine dining and moral support with. I get calls from at least 3 people every single day saying hello and checking up on me. I have offers from friends to come with me on my doctor's visits. Plus I have the support of my pastor (yes I spoke with him today). The best thing for me is to cut ties with him, have my blessed baby and take care of me and my child. I don't want his child support anymore because as I have read it comes with headaches. Since he's proven to be distrustful and careless among many others names I can call him (I would be here all night!) I am going to write him off as bad debt. My mom raised me and my sister on less than $27K per year back then and we both turned out fine. Both with college degrees, both working on grad school and careers. Both never been pregnant before and she's going to be 27. So if, my mom could of done that with my dad of course (he made even less than her) and they weathered the storm of their past, then I too can. I believe in God and one thing I know of God is that he has never abandon me before, so I am glad I was vocal about my thoughts to put things into perspective. I pray that women are never afraid to speak up when we all have our good and not so good moments. A support system and brainstorming of any kind can be of good help.

P.S. Since I have not spoken to him in about one month my house has been so quiet and peaceful. I don't get angry, I'm always smiling and eating. Watching my movies, I do have my maltese to keep me company. So I guess I am good. I just got alittle scared.

Thanks again everyone!

[sexxy1978]

Thanks Pupsnelda for your wishes! I am happy about my baby. I just wasn't expecting it to come under this situation but that part will past and heal. But my gift is my gift and I do accept it. I thank God I don't have abusive people around me. So he did do me a favor by leaving because he became the negative that would of made it difficult for me. "Better sooner than later." 

[PoppyMama]

*confused*

Put me in the camp of advocating for life as a solo mom.  Being a solo mom can be really awesome.

[tonttu]

I agree with the others , give him the boot , forget , you´ve ever met him and go on with your life and that of your baby !

That child only needs one name  and that is yours , I was a single Mom to 4 kids for a long time and I would do it all over again , despite some of the challenges .

You can do it and honestly , I really believe , that having no father at all is better than having a bad one . Babies need to be around people who love them and not somebody who shows up whenever he feels like it and that´s what that guy sounds like .

I am convinced , that in 5 years from now , you will look back at everything and be grateful , that you went the way , you did

[Rani]

Perhaps she commented on the wrong thread?  Her comment makes no sense in context...dunno..but anyways..

Sounds like you just needed the universe to confirm what you already knew in your heart. Best of luck and the ladies and gentlemen on these boards are always here to help, to listen and to talk when you need it!

Rani