Tomorrow I'm going to be 35 weeks pregnat with my second child and I feel there are issues I need to take off my chest before this baby is born. I know on this forum I can find good hears and likely some wise words.
There are two things concerning me.
1. My first child birth ended up in a C-section. I didn't have a birth trauma at the time, I thought that I had a fair chance and things just where ment to be like that. But this time I feel different. I'm in a new Country, with a language I don't speak and somewhat more medicalized environment. I cannot homebirth by law, so I will have to go to the hospital. Here the care is midwife led but more medicalized anyway. I'll be monitored constantly (although they use telemetry), they perform hourly vaginal examinations and since I've had a previous C-section they will not allow my having too strong contractions for too long (in pratical terms I don't know how much time they are going to give me to labor).
In the last months since my awareness over the birthing process increased I started to question many aspects of my previous birth and I've been full of "what ifs". It's just like this pregnancy is the opportunity for healing but I've been living it in the wrong way. It's like I need to shift responsability, if anything goes wrong, to the new Country, to the doctors, etc. I think I should think positively but being prepared to the unknown or unchangeable and to think this is a new pregnancy (which I didn't enjoy much). I feel I'm not very connected with my unborn child and I'm worrying more about the labor and the outcome of it, on how to fight the doctors at the hospital, and so on.
2. My husband has been supporting regarding the VBAC and he thinks nobody can push me to do what I don't want to do. It's up to me (and him) to stand up for myself. So he doesn't understand my fears.
I'm preparing with the pink kit but he is helping very little. Sometimes he will work with me for 10 minutes but I can feel ALL his pain doing this preparation. He just doesn't want to be bothered with it and he thinks I'm obsessing, taking away all the joy of this pregnancy.
I feel sad of his lack of ensthusiasm and a little lonely on my journey.
I hired a doula. She will not be allowed in the delivery room. Here the policy is strict. Only one person, her or my husband. So I plan to spend the most of the labor at home. I don't know how much I like her or feel comfortable/confident with her. I don't have another choice, she is the only doula around here.
So, in the back of my mind, I know I should be in charge of my own labor without relying on others. But don't know if I can do it.
Likely I'm scared of failing again and need someone else to blame. I've been having too many expectations on my husband and it's just making me more bitter.
How did you allow yourself to accept what it is and empower yourself to be fully in charge of the birthing process?
Thanks for listening.