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Mothers of Sons....are we destined to be disliked by future DILs? - Page 3

post #41 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tigerchild View Post

I think the secret is to not overly complicate things by being a know it all you know what.  To be friendly, supportive, to both respect boundaries and HAVE boundaries.  Don't break trust.

 

And I think the biggest thing is the ability to practice being able to love someone who isn't your image.


Respect is a HUGE factor in a good relationship.  My parents had really good relationships w/ both sets of in-laws and so that's how I thought in-law relationships worked.  Give and take, with love and respect.  However my mil treated me like an interloper from day one.  She is extremely toxic and blames me for, well, everything.   A pp advised to be nice to everyone your son brings home and that's great advice.  Also I know I don't have to say this on this board - but be a good mother to your sons.  Alot of the dil's on the board have such issues w/ their mil's because they (the dil's) are picking up their messes in relationship with the sons.  Just as it's no fun to have to deal with the baggage of a so's past relationships, it is hard work creating a healthy marriage and fighting against a detrimental message that a dh got from his mother his entire childhood. 

post #42 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by fierrbugg View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by Tigerchild View Post

I think the secret is to not overly complicate things by being a know it all you know what.  To be friendly, supportive, to both respect boundaries and HAVE boundaries.  Don't break trust.

 

And I think the biggest thing is the ability to practice being able to love someone who isn't your image.


Respect is a HUGE factor in a good relationship.  My parents had really good relationships w/ both sets of in-laws and so that's how I thought in-law relationships worked.  Give and take, with love and respect.  However my mil treated me like an interloper from day one.  She is extremely toxic and blames me for, well, everything.   A pp advised to be nice to everyone your son brings home and that's great advice.  Also I know I don't have to say this on this board - but be a good mother to your sons.  Alot of the dil's on the board have such issues w/ their mil's because they (the dil's) are picking up their messes in relationship with the sons.  Just as it's no fun to have to deal with the baggage of a so's past relationships, it is hard work creating a healthy marriage and fighting against a detrimental message that a dh got from his mother his entire childhood. 


Very good point.

 

When dh was a child, his mom would say, "I won't love you if you don't..........." (fill in the blank---clean your room, or whatever.)  And then dh would say, "please love me, mama!"

 

Talk about messed up.

 

post #43 of 64


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by GuildJenn View Post

 

How is a father using cloth diapers when he's the parent in charge any different from a family where mom uses cloth and dad uses disposables? How is a father baby-wearing when the mom prefers a stroller any different than a dad using a stroller when mom prefers a baby carrier? Sharlla said nothing about buying baby carriers and cloth dipes for her grandchildren or her DIL, she said she'd buy them for her sons.

 

Does no harm for a baby to have cloth some times and sposies other times, no harm to be worn sometimes and ride in a stroller other times. So it works for a family to have parents with different preferences. Whereas battery operated toys can't really be a sometimes thing.
 

 

I think if you're following a parent's preference (either one), you're fine.

 

If you're just giving stuff to make your point, it's not respectful. There are a lot of threads on this board talking about how people feel disrespected in that way. A battery-operated toy can be donated or put in a closet and brought out only on sick days, but it's the issue of values and respect that comes into play.
 

post #44 of 64



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by GuildJenn View Post


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by GuildJenn View Post

 

How is a father using cloth diapers when he's the parent in charge any different from a family where mom uses cloth and dad uses disposables? How is a father baby-wearing when the mom prefers a stroller any different than a dad using a stroller when mom prefers a baby carrier? Sharlla said nothing about buying baby carriers and cloth dipes for her grandchildren or her DIL, she said she'd buy them for her sons.

 

Does no harm for a baby to have cloth some times and sposies other times, no harm to be worn sometimes and ride in a stroller other times. So it works for a family to have parents with different preferences. Whereas battery operated toys can't really be a sometimes thing.
 

 

I think if you're following a parent's preference (either one), you're fine.

 

If you're just giving stuff to make your point, it's not respectful. There are a lot of threads on this board talking about how people feel disrespected in that way. A battery-operated toy can be donated or put in a closet and brought out only on sick days, but it's the issue of values and respect that comes into play.
 


Plus really, if my MIL started out buying things for my DH and my child but bought them for HIM (and not both of us), that would be pretty offputting.  The carrier and diapers are for YOU to use, son.  That's just asking for tension, IMO.  You find out what the parents are going to do, and (unless it's really, *really* going to outright harm the child - and I mean harm as in injure/fail to thrive, not just be less than ideal or optimal), you support them as a couple.  I mean, I guess if the mom said "I want a stroller" and the dad said "I want a carrier", then there wouldn't be a problem, but the above just seems passive-aggressive to me. 

post #45 of 64

I don't have a great relationship with MIL but it is not bad either. I know she has not always agreed with our decisions but she takes direction well at this point in her life. :) She easily picks up on my cues about my limits and will offer advice when asked or by simply providing a reference book without any pressure.

 

I truly believe she worried about DH until I came along. I am much more of a take charge person so she knew that financially DH would be better off and she could back off and let us figure things out.

 

My mom was an awesome MIL. She was kind to everyone (even the ones we all hated and were happy to see the relationship end). In fact, she often gave more gifts to my DH than to me for holidays! She always tried to be fair and non-judgmental so I will try to follow that lead.

post #46 of 64

Oh dear, that is my MIL, too. She actually tried this with DS1 once, and was shocked, shocked when I flew off the handle. Most of our disagreements now I can roll my eyes at and move on - that was not one of them.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by A&A View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by fierrbugg View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by Tigerchild View Post

I think the secret is to not overly complicate things by being a know it all you know what.  To be friendly, supportive, to both respect boundaries and HAVE boundaries.  Don't break trust.

 

And I think the biggest thing is the ability to practice being able to love someone who isn't your image.


Respect is a HUGE factor in a good relationship.  My parents had really good relationships w/ both sets of in-laws and so that's how I thought in-law relationships worked.  Give and take, with love and respect.  However my mil treated me like an interloper from day one.  She is extremely toxic and blames me for, well, everything.   A pp advised to be nice to everyone your son brings home and that's great advice.  Also I know I don't have to say this on this board - but be a good mother to your sons.  Alot of the dil's on the board have such issues w/ their mil's because they (the dil's) are picking up their messes in relationship with the sons.  Just as it's no fun to have to deal with the baggage of a so's past relationships, it is hard work creating a healthy marriage and fighting against a detrimental message that a dh got from his mother his entire childhood. 


Very good point.

 

When dh was a child, his mom would say, "I won't love you if you don't..........." (fill in the blank---clean your room, or whatever.)  And then dh would say, "please love me, mama!"

 

Talk about messed up.

 

post #47 of 64

I haven't read all the replies, but wanted to chime in that having a daughter doesn't guarantee family harmony.  My sister's boyfriend decided two years ago (for ridiculous reasons) that he was never speaking to my mom again, and it caused all sorts of upset in the family, even for me and my kids.  My SIL (dh's sister) has been married for 13 years, and has an 8yo daughter.  We all live in the same area, and have been really close, but major tension over the past year between SIL's dh and SIL's mom (my MIL) has resulted in a splitting of the family, with SIL taking her dh's side and basically threatening to leave the area and never speak to them again.

 

My dad threw a big baby tantrum a few years back, and got pissed at my dh for, again, a ridiculous reason.  My dad has now decided never to visit us again (he lives in another country) as he has declared he won't sleep under the same roof as my dh.  Whatever. 

 

So really, I think personality plays into it a lot more than gender.  I've had my problems with my MIL over the past 20 years, but both of us are mature enough to put it aside and appreciate what we do about eacg other.  And nowadays, family vacations are me, dh and our two boys with my MIL and FIL.  Dh's sister and her husband don't join in for any vacations for family gatherings.  I have fun with my inlaws.  I love my parents, but each of them can drive me crazy in their own way. 


Edited by oceanbaby - 1/13/11 at 11:13am
post #48 of 64

A friend of mine has a great MIL and I hate to say it but one of the ways they got so close is that her MIL sort of "wooed" her. One time when my friend was having a really tough time her MIL called her and said "I booked a day at a spa for you and I'm watching the kids while you go" A MIL will get A LOT of mileage out of a gift like that. Granted it costs money to do something like that for your DIL but many MILs could afford to do something like that and they just don't. Its not even something they think of. I plan on doing that for my future DIL when the time comes...

post #49 of 64

I love my in-laws!  We get along great and although I'm sure my mil disagrees with some of the choices I've made (like UC, specifically) we've always enjoyed spending time together :) 

 

As far as my kids, I have 3 girls and for now my oldest thinks boys/kisses/et cetera are gross and my other two want to marry me, so I'm not counting on any son/daughter-in-law issues ATM winky.gif

post #50 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by TranscendentalMom View Post

A friend of mine has a great MIL and I hate to say it but one of the ways they got so close is that her MIL sort of "wooed" her. One time when my friend was having a really tough time her MIL called her and said "I booked a day at a spa for you and I'm watching the kids while you go" A MIL will get A LOT of mileage out of a gift like that. Granted it costs money to do something like that for your DIL but many MILs could afford to do something like that and they just don't. Its not even something they think of. I plan on doing that for my future DIL when the time comes...


You know, my mil has done things like this for me many times, and it's not so much that I feel wooed, but I feel understood and not judged. Like, she was a mom with kids and understands how tough it can be and she's showing me the ultimate love and acceptance by saying, "I recognize that what you do is valuable and I want to pamper you a little bit."  Since it seems like so many mil-dil problems boil down to one or the other feeling unfairly judged or unappreciated, this can be a fantastic way to establish a good relationship. And you don't even need $ to do it. A mil who offers babysitting so her dil and ds can stay in for a movie night is just as awesome. Same with a dil who brings a treat or flowers to her mil or shoots off an email saying thank you for something.

post #51 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by homemademom View Post

You know, my mil has done things like this for me many times, and it's not so much that I feel wooed, but I feel understood and not judged. Like, she was a mom with kids and understands how tough it can be and she's showing me the ultimate love and acceptance by saying, "I recognize that what you do is valuable and I want to pamper you a little bit."  Since it seems like so many mil-dil problems boil down to one or the other feeling unfairly judged or unappreciated, this can be a fantastic way to establish a good relationship. And you don't even need $ to do it. A mil who offers babysitting so her dil and ds can stay in for a movie night is just as awesome. Same with a dil who brings a treat or flowers to her mil or shoots off an email saying thank you for something.


I completely agree, but I've spent enough time at MDC to know that gestures like that can still be interpreted as nefarious by some DILs. I can see the threads now: "Why does MIL want to get my kids alone so bad?!?" "Why does MIL think I need a break from motherhood?!?" lol.gif

post #52 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by homemademom View Post

You know, my mil has done things like this for me many times, and it's not so much that I feel wooed, but I feel understood and not judged. Like, she was a mom with kids and understands how tough it can be and she's showing me the ultimate love and acceptance by saying, "I recognize that what you do is valuable and I want to pamper you a little bit."  Since it seems like so many mil-dil problems boil down to one or the other feeling unfairly judged or unappreciated, this can be a fantastic way to establish a good relationship. And you don't even need $ to do it. A mil who offers babysitting so her dil and ds can stay in for a movie night is just as awesome. Same with a dil who brings a treat or flowers to her mil or shoots off an email saying thank you for something.


I completely agree, but I've spent enough time at MDC to know that gestures like that can still be interpreted as nefarious by some DILs. I can see the threads now: "Why does MIL want to get my kids alone so bad?!?" "Why does MIL think I need a break from motherhood?!?" lol.gif


AND it depends on how the offer is posed.  When my ds was a baby, my MIL came over to visit, and she said to my ds, "I'd babysit you if your mom would ever GO anywhere!" 

 

Not the most polite way to offer me a break.

 

 

post #53 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by A&A View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by homemademom View Post

You know, my mil has done things like this for me many times, and it's not so much that I feel wooed, but I feel understood and not judged. Like, she was a mom with kids and understands how tough it can be and she's showing me the ultimate love and acceptance by saying, "I recognize that what you do is valuable and I want to pamper you a little bit."  Since it seems like so many mil-dil problems boil down to one or the other feeling unfairly judged or unappreciated, this can be a fantastic way to establish a good relationship. And you don't even need $ to do it. A mil who offers babysitting so her dil and ds can stay in for a movie night is just as awesome. Same with a dil who brings a treat or flowers to her mil or shoots off an email saying thank you for something.


I completely agree, but I've spent enough time at MDC to know that gestures like that can still be interpreted as nefarious by some DILs. I can see the threads now: "Why does MIL want to get my kids alone so bad?!?" "Why does MIL think I need a break from motherhood?!?" lol.gif


AND it depends on how the offer is posed.  When my ds was a baby, my MIL came over to visit, and she said to my ds, "I'd babysit you if your mom would ever GO anywhere!" 

 

Not the most polite way to offer me a break.

 

 



True, true! On both counts! My mil never watched my kids as babies because I was bfing, but I've happily handed off a toddler or two ;)

post #54 of 64

One weekend, all 3 of my boys were sick and my dh had his monthly Army drill.  It was rough.  The next week, my MIL sent me a Kitchen Aid mixer in the mail. She knows I love to bake and wanted to "make one thing in your [my] life easier."   I love my MIL.  :lol:

post #55 of 64
Quote:

I completely agree, but I've spent enough time at MDC to know that gestures like that can still be interpreted as nefarious by some DILs. I can see the threads now: "Why does MIL want to get my kids alone so bad?!?" "Why does MIL think I need a break from motherhood?!?" lol.gif


 

lol.giflol.gif

post #56 of 64

I agree that it's about boundaries.... Seeing where they are and not overstepping them. Every issue we've had with my parents or my in-laws has involved them overstepping boundaries. My kids are mine, and I don't need anyone's input or direction or demands. My kids are my chance to do things my way, my grandkids are not. 

post #57 of 64

not if you are the SUPER person my inlaws were. 

 

i love, love, love my MIL. she is my bestest friend in the whole wide world. which actually has created some differences with my xbils because they are jealous of the bond. 

 

ex and i went our separate ways 7 years ago but MIL and i are still best friends. 

post #58 of 64

i have to say, i was VERY biased against my in-laws for the first couple years of our marriage. my MIL smokes, makes terrible food, and is very passive to the point where it's impossible to have an adult conversation with her. my FIL is really awkward, can be a bit snide, and usually spends our visits staring at the tv. my family was very different, much more lively and healthy and fun to visit. i really dreaded having my in laws visit or visiting them because of how annoying i found their lifestyle/personalities.

 

however, since having a kid, i realize i was being a giant UAV to them before. totally judgemental and terrible (not to their faces, but still). i mean, i still hate that my MIL smokes and so on, but the fact is, they honestly respect us as parents and love our daughter immensely. it all came home to me this christmas while visiting our families. we are vegan (have been for ages), and my mom totally ignored my wishes and kept on feeding my daughter food i didn't want her to have (i kept on getting the "but she wanted it!" line... ugh, come ON... she's a baby, she wants to lick the wall sockets too!), were using physical or verbal punishment on both babies (my sister's and mine), and just in general belittling our parenting decisions. my inlaws ALWAYS asked before feeding her or doing something with her, were so gentle and kind, and were always up for watching her so we could go out or get stuff done.

 

anyway, it's becoming apparent that the difference in values which we have (my parents and us) are actually far greater than i realized pre-child, and the things that annoy or bother me about my inlaws are completely insignificant when it comes to our relationship as a family.

post #59 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by The4OfUs View Post

My MIL's MIL was a nightmare, and she told me flat out that she promised herself when she was first married that if she ever had a daughter-in-law, that she would be the exact opposite that her MIL was to her.  I hit the jackpot, because she's awesome - I feel bad that she had to have a miserable MIL for me to get that jackpot, but it is what it is.

 

My MIL is awesome too.  And she had a nightmare MIL as well.  There's a little part of me that feels sorry for her that she doesn't get to be waited on hand and foot by her DIL the way that she had to do.  Not that I don't try my best to be nice to her, but it's a whole different level.
 

post #60 of 64

My MIL is really nice, too.  But, I think it helps that she doesn't have a good relationship with her daughter (my SIL) and so she treads very lightly.  In return, I try really hard to be very, very kind to her because I can tell she is hurting quite a bit about her daughter.  Not to say she never bugs me, because sometimes she does.  But I do love her and feel lucky to have her in my life.

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