I Can't Find Balance or Purpose in My Life, Help

[AnnaNova]

im so  ired of living like this. i feel torn and out of balance every day. i have an almost 2 yo, and i work part time, and every time i have to work, i feel so bad because im missing out on time with him, and when im not working, i feel like i should be, to help pay the bills, and i get "cabin fever" from being at home for  too long.

i work at a job that i dont like, and start school in a few weeks to get a different degree that will hopefully pay better. but the problem is that i dont feel passionate about anything, i wish i could be really really into something, and persue it as a career, but im not...

most days it feels like im wasting away my time and my life and while everyone else is doing something they care about, i can't even decide what it is that i care about.

i feel very much out of balance, i feel like i should be doing SOMTHING but im not, i feel like im lacking purpose in my life... i have read a ton of self-help books, but none of them truly inspired me and made me change anything about my life.

i think i would feel a lot better if i had a job/profession that i felt very passionate about and loved, then i wouldnt feel so torn between home and work, but i have no idea how to find that calling.

my house is the perfect example of the mess in my head, because its also messy and disorganized. even when i clean up and organize, it gets out of control pretty fast. i think that my outside world reflects my inside world, and its probably my head that i should clean up... but i dont know how

[pupsnelda]

No advise here ... Just to let you know that you are not alone. I do not like my job neither, and wish I could do something that is interesting, meaningful and somehow fulfilling. Sigh ... not in this life, I guess. I try to be happy that I do my best, that I have a job and that there is a roof over our heads and food on the table.

[moon girl]

I have been in your shoes right down to feeling like the chaos in my home was a direct reflection of what was going on in my mind LOL.            

Here are a few things that come to mind regarding finding your passion whether in work or life from my own experience.  It seems like there are people who are born just knowing what they are passionate about and then there are the rest of us who for various reasons become disconnected with our true selves.  Don't you marvel at how children are so clear about what they want and are so passionate about meeting those wants.  I think we all start out that way and then maybe familial or cultural influences override our natural tendencies.

For me, I experienced some things in my childhood that felt emotionally unsafe and I learned how to numb out so that I didn't feel what I was feeling and it allowed me to protect myself from things that felt overwhelming.  A good strategy when you're a child, but then you become an adult who is numb and can't even identify what you feel in any given moment.  And to make it worse, I didn't really even realize that I wasn't allowing myself to feel fully.  I have done a lot of work in this area to reconnect with my emotions and ultimately my passions and it was very much linked.  Honestly, you can start by asking yourself in every moment (even if it feels ridiculous at first) "what do I want?"  White underwear or black?  Coffee or tea?  If you practice knowing what you want in simpler ways, it makes the harder questions easier to tackle and you slowly start to connect to the desires that are under the surface.  If you haven't listened to your needs fully in a while it takes some time to access that part of yourself again.  Be patient, it's a process and it may take some time.

Another thing is: I think most of us if pressed, do know what we want. but we either believe we can't have it and so we'd rather not dare voice our desires for fear of feeling devastated if we can't have our deepest wishes and dreams.  There is a part of you, that knows what you want.  The trick is cultivating a practice to connect with that part of yourself.  Sounds simple, but in my experience I spent so much time searching for that part of myself.  Ironically, this thing that was such a struggle for me "finding my life purpose" is what I help other people do now in my professional life.  Sometimes our biggest area of struggle, is what we are here to teach others.  Oh yeah, and I should add, you never feel qualified initially to do the thing that you are most suited for.

My last point on this issue is that sometimes, when you feel stuck, you just need to move your feet in any direction initially.  The best way to get unstuck is to make a decision.  You can always change your mind or change directions later, but you can't get unstuck unless you move.  Staying in indecision, until you feel passionately about something is a sure way to stay in indecision forever because often, that surge of passion and energy comes after you make a choice.  It seems kind of unfair when you're in the middle of it (and believe me I have been right smack in the middle of stuckville) that you don't get the clarity or the passion first before you make a choice, but for me I had to take that leap of faith and choose a path.

I now have work that I am extremely passionate about but the passion showed up after I decided to show up.  And it was scary to walk through some of the fear I had around living my purpose (and it still is sometimes).

Be gentle with yourself (you have a toddler,and the pressures of being a mom and working.  You are enough, believe that).  It can take some time to move through some of these issues but the payoff is huge.  Imagine waking up to a life that feels like you want to live it.  That is totally within your reach if you take some small steps to uncover what is in your heart.

HTH, Good luck mama

Christine