Stbx won't let me in his house.

[darien]

Usually, when I drop the dc off for their weekend with stbx, I don't see them again until he brings them home.  Yesterday, though, ds14 had a year-end competition for an afterschool activity (and it was ds14's birthday!).  So, we were all there "together." 

Ds6 is usually fine being dropped off with his dad, but yesterday, when I tried to say goodbye and leave after the competition, he had a full-out crying meltdown.  He wanted to come home with me.  I comforted him, and tried to let stbx take the lead, but he just stood there like a lump.  I finally said, "It's up to Daddy." 

Ds6 begged to have me come to "Daddy's house" (formerly "The Family Home," which he basically screwed me and the dc out of).   I said again, "It's up to Daddy." 

 On his older son's birthday, with his younger son sobbing and pleading, he said "That's never going to happen." 

[pupsnelda]

How sad . I am very sorry!

[Learning_Mum]

Ugh. What a UAV.

It's probably a good thing though. I imagine your DS liked having Mummy and Daddy "together" again. At least with your ex being so blunt DS won't have his hopes raised.

[sparklefairy]

It's sad and it's a difficult transition, but I think it's good boundaries. You ex should have the gumption to speak up rather than leaving it up to you. But drawing lines like that was one of the the things that really helped my ex and I move on with our lives and to have a better coparenting relationship later. Having wonky boundaries with whose space is whose can continue the enmeshment and drag out the healing, in my experience.

[orangecanoe]

Six year olds really do and will hold on to the fantasy of being together. I'm not saying the your ex's response was a tactful one, but I don't think you should have put him on the spot in front of the kids. Your stbx didn't say anything which could have been interpreted as a yes. If he had a yes in him or any inclination to be kind, he would have stepped in. I don't mean to be harsh, but casting stbx in a negative role in front of the kids isn't going to help.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by orangecanoe 

Six year olds really do and will hold on to the fantasy of being together. I'm not saying the your ex's response was a tactful one, but I don't think you should have put him on the spot in front of the kids. Your stbx didn't say anything which could have been interpreted as a yes. If he had a yes in him or any inclination to be kind, he would have stepped in. I don't mean to be harsh, but casting stbx in a negative role in front of the kids isn't going to help.
 

I have to agree with this.  I don't think your stbx's actions were great, but then again, I dont think either of you did all that great.  The approach I would have taken would have been to comfort ds, and say, "You're going to daddy's house right now, but I'll see you again on Sunday when you come back to my house!  I love you, I'll see you soon, and if you still miss me later today I'm sure daddy will let you call me (if you have phone convo's when they have visitation)"

ETA - I also throw in things like, "you always have so much fun with daddy!  you're going to have a great time together this weekend!  Remember, daddy takes you to the park, and Domo (a loved stuffed animal) is at daddy's house, and baby (his doll) is going with you!" etc, so that ds knows I want him to have fun, and so that he knows that daddy's house is a fun, safe place to be. 

And really, do you want to go to your stbx's house?  I think the LAST place I'd ever want to go is ex's house.  I might go if there was a compelling reason to - I needed to pick up ds asap b/c of emergency, or there was an occasion that ds wanted me to go to his dad's place, but that apartment brings back TERRIBLE memories for me, so I don't ever want to set foot there again!

[GoBecGo]

ITA

And FWIW if my DD is upset about a boundary i have put in place between her father and i for good reasons and her father says "well, mama says no" i am LIVID.  I don't arrange these things to hurt her feelings, or his (i do let him in my house, but for example i don't invite him to dinner at my friend's houses just because DD is invited!) and it is really "big bad mommy"ing to imply i do or make me responsible for it.  Just my 2c.

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

Originally Posted by orangecanoe 

Six year olds really do and will hold on to the fantasy of being together. I'm not saying the your ex's response was a tactful one, but I don't think you should have put him on the spot in front of the kids. Your stbx didn't say anything which could have been interpreted as a yes. If he had a yes in him or any inclination to be kind, he would have stepped in. I don't mean to be harsh, but casting stbx in a negative role in front of the kids isn't going to help.
 

I have to agree with this.  I don't think your stbx's actions were great, but then again, I dont think either of you did all that great.  The approach I would have taken would have been to comfort ds, and say, "You're going to daddy's house right now, but I'll see you again on Sunday when you come back to my house!  I love you, I'll see you soon, and if you still miss me later today I'm sure daddy will let you call me (if you have phone convo's when they have visitation)"

[doubledutch]

i haven't been in that exact position, where a child is begging to come home part way through time with their dad, but i've had my younger one not wanting to go to daddy's and i would never say, "it's up to daddy," because in saying so, you're essentially asking the father to give up his time and putting him on the spot in front of the kids.  that was the first time you said, "it's up to daddy."  if you just didn't know what else to say, because you didn't want to tell your child that no, he couldn't come home with you early, how about saying "yes" by reminding your child that he will be coming home in the morning (or whenever) and you hope he has a great time with daddy tonight, and remind him to call you at bedtime to say goodnight (or whatever it is that you do).

the second "it's up to daddy" blows my mind.  really?  you thought maybe your stbx would be cool with you tagging along during his time with your kids?  i can imagine a point in the distant future, or perhaps on certain occasions like if i were to host a b'day party at home, when i would possibly, maybe, invite stbx to spend time in my home (and yes, it was our home together).  right now, when this is all still fairly new and we are adjusting and setting boundaries - no way!  we've been split up for six months and honestly there is no way i'd invite stbx to hang out at our house for a couple hours, or allow him to invite himself. 

it's too bad your stbx didn't engage your ds immediately when he started getting clingy, and it's too bad he was so blunt when he finally spoke up.  however, i really think the way you handled it was equally unfortunate.  you could have just said, "sorry sweetheart, i'll see you (tomorrow or whenever) - love you, bye!" and walked away.  it's hard, but dragging it out is harder on them.

[darien]

Sigh.  I guess I've both screwed up and not explained myself very well, as usual.

I tried to "streamline" my post, so I wouldn't be telling a story that went on forever, so I left out some details that I guess I should have left in.  I DID say several things like "I'm sure Daddy has fun things he wants to do with you," and "I'll see you tomorrow night!", trying to give stbx an opening to take over/comfort ds himself.  Stbx just stood there, saying and doing not much of anything. 

Ds was sobbing and clinging to me like crazy.  I didn't want to pry him off me and run-- I wanted stbx to do SOMETHING to transition him.  When I said "It's up to Daddy," I was not trying to put him on the spot.  I was trying to let him have the choice, put the ball in his court.  When ds threw a fit before (this weekend was only the 2nd time), stbx had quickly suggested that I keep ds with me.  I was trying to be open, and let the (hopefully) best thing for ds happen, whether that meant his father convincing him to go with Daddy, or his father passing crying little guy on to Mommy.

I do NOT want to hang out with stbx anywhere, especially at our former family home, believe me.  I'm just trying to be civil, for our dc.  I would have invited him back to my place for cake, or something, if the positions were reversed.  I just can't believe he couldn't do better than "That's never going to happen" on his son's freaking birthday.

[hillymum]

It truely sucks to be in this position! We've been seperated for 6 months and this kind of situation has happened frequently. The worst was a 2am call from 6yr old ds saying Daddy wasn't there and Papaw was ignoring him. What I have done is written an unemotional factual email describing what happened and asking if next time that situation arose if sbx could possibly react in a different way. or asked him how he would hope I would react. it is frustrating and heartbreaking. It's also hard not to be mamabear and go on the attack, but that wouldnt do anything good.

If this happens again and you and sbx haven't managed to work out a plan in advance through talk/email, you can turn to sbx and actually ask him what he is going to do to make ds feel better/go to him. I've said to sbx "I'm not going to throw ds at you so what are you going to do to encourge him to get in the car without getting hysterical?" I've put sbx on the spot and made it clear he has a responsibility too.

[Ceinwen]

Not  the same, but two weeks ago I received a hysterical, screaming phone call from my eight year old.

She was overtired, cranky, and wanted to come home. It was Saturday and she and her sister were spending the weekend with their dad.

I couldn't even talk to her. She was crying so hard she was gagging. So, I asked her to put my ex on the phone.

I asked him, 'Do you want me to come and get them?' He said, 'No'. Sooooooo - you're letting her call me because why?

He hadn't done anything to attempt to calm her down (I asked - he said, 'Like what?') and it left me in a horrible position of trying to calm down a screaming child, over the phone, when I knew I had zero options.

I told him to never do that again. We both have a policy of letting the kids call the other parent when they want to, but I explained that it was very unfair to put the burden on me to try and calm her down when he was leaving me nothing to work with.