Is it normal to be gripped by petrifying fear that something will happen to my toddler?

[Toposlonoshlep]

I have heard parents say that as their kids grow, the fear of losing them eases up. Not in my case....Now that my 21 month old is running around, talking, and being more independent, my mind of overcome with horrible anxiety and the "what ifs" are killing me. I don't want to take anti-anxiety medication while nursing, but I do want to know if others have dealt with this. Just as he needs me less and less, my sense of responsibility for his well-being and my sense of guilt for mistakes I made are eating me alive.

Latest fixation?

Lately, I found out that burning incense frequently during pregnancy and around a child increases their risk of cancer.

Since then, I have been unable to stop these huge waves of anxiety and guilt, because my DH and I burned large amounts of incense (not while using drugs, but for yoga/meditation/clearing energy) all throughout my pregnancy and well until last week when I read the studies.

It was mostly natural incense, sage, frankincense and myrrh, but it WAS quite smoky, as we burned it on charcoal tablets...

Now that I have read the studies on benzene and the PAHs released and the danger I have put my son in, my mind has been racing for 3 days with the "what ifs". I cannot live with the idea that I just didn't know and did something to hurt him. I am terrified of being the cause of any ailment or pain in him.

I just don't know how to forget and forgive myself and move forward. 

Please help me find some reassurance. 

I know I cannot change the past, but I have been really hard on myself imagining the worst from what I have overlooked. I am so careful with everything else (we eat organic, we practice yoga and meditation, we don't use chemicals in our home or on our bodies, I am still nursing, etc), and I simply cannot believe I didnt know about incense. Am I developing an anxiety disorder?

[nextcommercial]

It's very hard to get over those fears.  I had two fears.  One, was that she would fall from a second floor window or balcony.  The other one was  that she would get cancer, leukemia, or some sort of life altering illness that would mean I'd spend years in the hospital with her.  I imagined myself getting to know all the nurses, and actually being sad when we left them.  I was TERRIFIED to watch the St Jude telethon.  

I had to remind myself, that out of the hundreds of people and children I know in real life, only one had a child with Leukemia.  (she's now a very healthy 29 yr old married woman with two kids)  None had any other life altering illness, and none of them are on first name basis with the nurses at Children's hospital.  

The internet means we are exposed to a lot more information, and people.  Much of that information is bogus, and not at all helpful.   Everyone on the internet has an opinion, and for every opinion, there's been a study to support that opinion, but there's been four studies to prove it wrong.  Nobody wins.

We are ALL exposed every day to something that causes cancer.  We all know someone who knows someone who's son got cancer because (insert cancer causing reason).    

I was SURE my daughter would get cancer.  I mean Why not us?  Why all those other beautiful children, I'm no better.   Part of my fears were because she was so sick all the time.  Nobody could explain why she was always sick.  So, I felt like it was just the beginning.  I waited for the other shoe to drop.  But, it never did.  She just has severe allergies.  Nothing more.  I feel fortunate.  But, I wish I hadn't spent so many nights worrying.  

[Toposlonoshlep]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial 

We are ALL exposed every day to something that causes cancer.  We all know someone who knows someone who's son got cancer because (insert cancer causing reason).    

I was SURE my daughter would get cancer.  I mean Why not us?  Why all those other beautiful children, I'm no better.   Part of my fears were because she was so sick all the time.  Nobody could explain why she was always sick.  So, I felt like it was just the beginning.  I waited for the other shoe to drop.  But, it never did.  She just has severe allergies.  Nothing more.  I feel fortunate.  But, I wish I hadn't spent so many nights worrying.  

I love what you wrote, because I relate to every point you made. The St. Jude telethon terrifies me too!!! lol. Sometimes I can talk myself through the fear, sometimes not and it feels like I am losing control. It is so easy to tell yourself that you cannot change the past, or predict the future, and that you must try to live in the moment. It is so hard to FEEL that when your love and attachment to your child are so immense. Thank you so much. You made me feel like I am not alone during a difficult time.

[KJunebug]

I think it must be the hormones/stress.  This fall I had a lot going on in my life, and I was nursing my new baby a lot, and I became very darkly obsessed with harm coming to my children... I found that I was thinking about it all the time....

These days it haunts me from time to time, but not constantly like it was, and my stress levels, and my nursing levels are both a bit lower....

[Toposlonoshlep]

Originally Posted by KJunebug 

I think it must be the hormones/stress.  This fall I had a lot going on in my life, and I was nursing my new baby a lot, and I became very darkly obsessed with harm coming to my children... I found that I was thinking about it all the time....

These days it haunts me from time to time, but not constantly like it was, and my stress levels, and my nursing levels are both a bit lower....

It's interesting that you mentioned stress and hormones...I got my period back three months ago while nursing this whole time, and after two cycles (exactly 28 days apart), the third month (this month) I haven't had it yet. I don't *think* I am pregnant, as there are no other signs of it, so I wonder if it stayed away due to stress or hormone changes because we were traveling for the holidays and my DS ramped up the nursing..... I haven't thought of this at all. Thanks for the idea! It is comforting to know that I feel like this not because imminent harm is coming to HIM, but because my body/mind are out of whack right now.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I would stop researching things ad nauseum for one, and think about seeing a counselor for 2.  I definitely have had intruding thoughts since my son was born, and I do worry about him getting hurt (and I'm a HUGE wimp and can't watch horror movies, or scary tv shows - but that has nothing to do with ds, just me being a wimp lol), but not to that extent.  I would especially consider a counselor if its causing you so much stress as to interfere with your daily life.  Counseling is good for coming up with coping strategies, and learning how to manage anxiety and fear in a productive way, medication is not always necessary.  Although, even though you are nursing, you could make sure to find someone who is BF'ing friendly to work with, if its necessary b/c it isn't always.  You could also seek out a natropath to talk about it and see if there are any natural remedies that you can try.

A little fear is OK, but for it to have you unable to control huge waves of anxiety/fear is not good.  I hope its just hormones, but I wouldn't count on it - and if it doesn't go away with your period I would seek out someone to talk to - even a good friend can be a good sounding board sometimes.

[crunchy_mommy]

I have an anxiety disorder (have since I was a young kid) and so yes, I deal with a lot of what you describe. I don't want to detail my fears because I'm worried it will just give you more ideas of things to worry about!! Suffice it to say, I've lost a lot of sleep!

A few things that have helped me (both with general anxiety & anxiety about DS)....

With intrusive thoughts: acknowledge them & move on. This is a really hard skill to learn. Your instinct is to research, to argue against it, rationalize, etc. So you think using incense could cause your child to have cancer. Don't spend hours looking up cancer symptoms or the type of incense you used, don't tell yourself you're being silly, don't try to find articles to the contrary and all that. Of course that's what you are most inclined to do, but try to resist the urge... Instead, just allow the thought to pass through your head. Hmm... my child could get cancer. Yes, it's a horrifying thought & hard to distance yourself from it like that, hard to move on from that thought to the next one, but if you can train yourself to do that, the thoughts will lose their power over you. It's like when someone asks you not to think of pink elephants, that's all you can think about, but if you allow yourself to think about pink elephants for just a moment or two, without judgement, without trying to push away the thought or make a case against it, you free yourself to move on to other thoughts.

Also remind yourself that many things are not in your control, and even if you did something that indirectly brings him harm, you did the best you could with the information you had at the time. It is impossible to reliably evaluate every single scenario and each choice has a counter-choice that could have equally harmful effects. If incense was something important to you to help you relax, then it was something you needed to use at the time (now with the new information you have you might choose to try different options, or not). If you were not able to keep yourself calm & relaxed during pregnancy, that negative energy & all the hormones it produced would negatively affect your baby (and yourself). So you made a choice to meditate etc., with incense, which at the time, with the knowledge you had then, was the best choice you could have made.

I don't know what your religious beliefs are but I have found my faith to be a great source of strength in dealing with anxiety. 

There are a lot of self-help books out there, one I really like is The Sky is Falling... also you could try counseling. Another option is anti-depressants, which can help some with anxiety but without the risks of anti-anxiety meds. I'm very much anti-meds and prefer to deal with my issues without them, but I've also had a lot of practice (and before that, a lot of years on meds!) so don't discount medication without fully exploring the options; there may be safe options for you that will at least get you over this hump so you can be in a better frame of mind while you learn to cope. It's hard to learn anything when your mind is spinning with horrible scenarios...

I think most parents experience anxiety about their kids & of course as they get older you get to know and love them as a unique person so the thought of losing them becomes even more scary. Plus at this age he is doing so many new things which can make you feel a bit out-of-control & powerless. So I don't think some anxiety is abnormal, but it does sound like what you're experiencing is interfering with your life enough to warrant attention/treatment/self-treatment.

[HappyMonkey]

PLEASE buy and read the book FREE RANGE KIDS. It's magnificent and puts real numbers behind things people worry about with their kids. It's quite humourous really and a fun read, in addition to helping calm fears. It's the best book I ever read on this topic. Her premise is that free range chickens often have more freedom than kids lately because parents worry so much, and she investigated this and shared what she learned. It's a gem!! The link above is to her blog and you can link through to buy the book.

[colsxjack]

I also find myself with a lot of anxiety and fear that something horrible will happen to my daughter. Or my wife.

I think/hope that some of my fear stems from the fact that my nephew was hit by a car and sustained a serious life altering head injury when my wife was pregnant with my dd. I frequently have flashes of thoughts of her being seriously injured in a life altering way. At this point I haven't decided to get help for the anxiety because I do not think it is affecting the way I parent her. I do fear that my anxiety will just get worst as she gets older and more independent. If the anxiety gets worst I will probably get some kind of help for it.

As far as lighting insence is concerned. It is thought that we will see dramatic increases in cancers among our children's generation, but it is thought that this will be due to the amount of chemicals we are exposed to through plastics, pesticides, household cleaners, lotions, etc. I think that you are already doing your child a huge service that is protecting him as best you can from cancers through your lifestyle and the choices you are making. Look at the things you are doing for your son and realize that you are doing the best you can with the knowledge that you have.

[Courtney-Ostaff]

No, sorry, not normal.  :(  

 I know whereof I speak, having battled depression and anxiety disorders for literally my entire life.

I find meditation to be particularly helpful, but exercise and a healthy diet work wonders as well.

This too shall pass.  

Be well.

[shanniesue2]

hugs, mama... be gentle with yourself

I deal with anxiety (without meds).  I tend to get fixated on various issues and research them like crazy and make myself even crazier over them.  I also do these constant, "if I don't do xyz then something awful will happen" and so I drop whatever I'm doing in the moment to attend to xyz.  It makes it difficult to get much accomplished.  But I have been in counseling, and one thing that my therapist has worked with me on is the idea that when we use a nueropathway over and over and over again, we make it stronger... and we form mental habits.  So when I allow myself to fixate on something, I'm creating mental habits.  One tool that has been really helpful to me is to visualize a stop sign.  Whenever I find myself fixating and worrying about something, I think of a stop sign and try to redirect my thoughts to something else.  I'm not always successful at it, and I have to admit that worrying has become such a habit for me that I don't always even realize that I'm doing it.

But from what you're describing, I really think that it sounds like you are dealing with a level of anxiety that is greater than normal.  If you don't want to take meds for it, I think that you should at least look into some counseling for learning ways to cope with it.

I know that one thing that I do worry about is that my worrying will rub off on DS and teach him to be a worrier (ha! if that isn't anxiety, tell me what is!)

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by shanniesue2 

I know that one thing that I do worry about is that my worrying will rub off on DS and teach him to be a worrier (ha! if that isn't anxiety, tell me what is!)

LOL!!! That's me too!! 
 

[Toposlonoshlep]

Thank you all so much. You have helped me in different ways to feel more positive about this state of mind, and to pluck it out of my consciousness through very deliberate exercises involving lots of self-love and acceptance of a higher power. It brings me relief to know that although I try my best, I am not in control. Therefore, if misfortune befalls my family, I will deal with it then and be strong. Catastrophic thinking could create illness in my family NOW, so I really need to heal.

I know this is just free-floating anxiety that is looking for a place to roost, and has picked out the ONE mistake I perceive myself to have made in raising my son. It is TERRIFYING to read that incense smoke contains so many carcinogens, in a lot of cases more than cigarettes! I had just assumed that because so many cultures have used incense constantly for spiritual practice and utilitarian reasons, that it was ok. What I don't understand is why there are no studies definitively linking smoking during pregnancy to childhood cancer risk. Doesn't that seem strange that a mother INHALING benzene directly from the source wouldn't hurt her child, but a mother sitting next to a smoldering incense stick will? It is this kind of obsurdity that gives me some perspective. At the same time, I am having such a hard time forgiving myself for this oversight...

With that said, I did wake up at night from a nightmare and had very strong anxiety that didn't allow me to go back to sleep. I really DO think I need to see someone. I have also ordered the books you guys recommended. And i am trying to distract myself from negative thinking with work. 

[mamazee]

Some level of anxiety is normal, but the level you're talking about sounds beyond that.  Please don't feel like you just have to suffer through it - talk to someone who can help, and there are antidepressants that are safe will nursing, particularly while nursing a toddler.

[Picard]

Thanks for posting about your level of anxiety. I think that that is a difficult thing to do! I am not a specialist in the field of anxiety, but I certainly recognize the way you think. I sometimes think that way too. I really like the advice of one pp who says to acknowledge your worry and move on, and to know that you are doing the best you can with the knowledge that you have at that given moment. I would add that we are doing our best within the environment in which we live). In any case, I'd try cognitive readjustment first before taking medication. I did take medication once on advice of my medical doctor and had a very severe adverse reaction to it. This does not mean that everyone gets this, but it is something to be aware of.

I too have anxieties about losing my DS. I suppose it partly stems from family history. I try to rationalize that it is a possibility, but that it is unlikely. Then I focus on something else. Because of these fears, I truly, truly enjoy every minute I myself have on this planet and the time I can spend with my loved ones.

As for carcinogens. Well, unfortunately they are almost everywhere. Thankfully, our body's DNA is pretty hardy and built in an ingenious way. Pair this with our immune system and our attitude, and it makes me feel, at least, that we are pretty well equipped to deal with these substances most of the time.

[Toposlonoshlep]

Yes! Thank you. It has helped me greatly to think that children's DNA (and all DNA) replicates quickly and repairs itself. I do my best to support his immune system as well as his happiness. The rest really is beyond my control! I like that you use your fear to fuel your joy. I had a close friend say to me the other day that what I am suffering from is "being in love". 
 

Originally Posted by Picard 

I too have anxieties about losing my DS. I suppose it partly stems from family history. I try to rationalize that it is a possibility, but that it is unlikely. Then I focus on something else. Because of these fears, I truly, truly enjoy every minute I myself have on this planet and the time I can spend with my loved ones.

As for carcinogens. Well, unfortunately they are almost everywhere. Thankfully, our body's DNA is pretty hardy and built in an ingenious way. Pair this with our immune system and our attitude, and it makes me feel, at least, that we are pretty well equipped to deal with these substances most of the time.