Feeling overwhelmed with responsibilities

[mamacolleen]

This may be a bit rambly as I'm exhausted.

I think I may be living an unsustainable life and I don't know how to change it. I currently am a FT WOHM mama to a 18 month old DD. I am an RN and work 3 12's a week. For the last 3 months or so I've been seconded to a project that means I have great flexibility over my hours, no night shifts, and I can leave early. However, the topic of the project is boring and under-stimulating to me and there's not a huge amount of direction and not enough work to fill my FT hours (hence me leaving early). The project is supposed to last another 2-3 months.

I am also a part-time grad student. I took a year off from it while DD was a newborn and had to go back. Did an online course last term and now I have a in-class course on tuesday mornings.

We also 7 months ago bought our first house (a fixer-upper) and are in the middle of a couple home renos. The whole place was re-wired and a couple rooms re-drywalled before we moved in. We also tore out the upstairs bathroom before we moved in and discovered that we needed to fix the floor joists underneath before we could continue. So currently our bathroom is still gutted to the studs and the third bedroom is un-usable since we tore out the wall between the 2 rooms to move it and now it's just framed in the new place... plus the bedroom is full of our already purchased tub, toilet and vanity and a whole bunch of construction materials. We also have to insulate the back mudroom/bathroom on the main floor ASAP since it's sucking heat from the whole house. Anyway, lots of home renos in the next few months.

We are also TTC #2. Hope to be pregnant in the next month or two. And DD is not STTN. Sometimes she sleeps pretty good and then other times it's hell. We co-sleep for sanity.... but I am so sleep deprived.

I know that this is likely too much for me and for our family. DH works FT as well a M-F job. Because of childcare, I work one weekend day every weekend so we only have 1 day a week where we're all together as a family.

On the plus side, we do live with a very good friend who provides our childcare. So there's no early morning wrangling the toddler out the door or pickups in the evening. A huge bonus. And having 3 adults in the house to do chores is REALLY helpful.

I think there are two issues here and I feel totally STUCK in my life that I can't figure out how to solve them:

1) cutting down on current responsiblities described above. Can't cut down work hours since I make more money than DH and I want to go on mat leave again and I will depend on hours I'm working now to calcutate my income on leave. I'm also trying to cut as much done on my masters now before having another baby. I have 3 courses to finish before a final practicum. Doing one this term and one in the summer and then hopefully the third in the fall before going on mat leave. I know this is short-term but it feels like forever away. I'm trying to limit our house reno responsiblities but really we have to insulate the mudroom since it's sucking heat right out of our wallets and I NEED to have the bathroom on the main floor done instead of it being a constuction site. DH and I have decided that we are going to contract out more of the work than we had originally planned, so that's something. Oh, I think we're doing to switch to disposables from CD's. I'm sad about it but the time spent rinsing and washing diapers and covers and wipes is like WAY too much time. So, what else can I cut down on so that I don't feel so overwhelmed and exhausted all the time?

2) My job. I hate it. The project work is okay for now (even though it's so boring) because I can be home at a more decent hour and there's no risk of working nights. I really want to switch jobs. My dream is to be working in community health somewhere... but those are 9-5 jobs and I don't think we could afford that much childcare, especially when #2 comes along. So, I'm mostly okay with waiting for that until kids are all born and in school. But where I work is so emotionally draining and physically exhausting and I just need a change. So, I've thought about switching to L+D. I also feel that I can't really try and get another job while actively TTC. Doesn't seem fair. Plus, my boss is really good to me and I generally don't have to work too many nights and I know I wouldn't get that kind of treatment if I was new somewhere. How do you balance the need for a job with hours and benefits that suit the whole family with the need for a job that is fulfilling?

Thanks for getting this far. I may not even be asking for too much guidance. Just some hope that this feeling of being overwhelmed wil eventually end.

[LynnS6]

You're working 36 hours a week at boring job.

You're taking 1 class a week (= ~8-12 hours of time commitment)

You're renovating your home.

And you're TTC #2 because ....?

My recommendations would be (in this order):

1. STOP TTC #2 for 6 months. A 3 year separation between kids is a lovely one. That will remove one stressor.

2. Take more time off school.

3. Beg/borrow/steal the time or hire someone to fix the mudroom and the bathroom. If you think that trying to do home renovations with an 18 month old is hard, trying doing it with a newborn and a 2 1/2 year old. If your home life is in chaos, you can't decompress at home.

4. Why are you going to school? Can that wait?

5. Look for a new job and/or talk to your boss about the dreadfully dull nature of it and see if there's something you can do to make it more fulfilling. If your dh works 9-5, does he have benefits? Could you work 5-10 and have your kids in daycare in the afternoons only? A mom who has a soul sucking job may not be a better mom than one who works evenings or weekends.

[EviesMom]

If youre only 3 classes away from a degree that will help you career wise, I would stop TTC and finish school first. I would focus on the bare minimum reno that needs to be done, then schooling, then a new job, then TTC. Unless you have reason to expect you'll have trouble TTC or are really concerned age-wise, I think another year before TTC would let you get to a better place first. (I have 2 that are 3.5 years apart and that's a good spread IMO. Less sibling rivalry and potty training/sleep regressions after the younger was born. Our friends whose 2 are 2.5 years apart had a lot more potty and sleep issues with the older sibling. 

[DariusMom]

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

You're working 36 hours a week at boring job.

You're taking 1 class a week (= ~8-12 hours of time commitment)

You're renovating your home.

And you're TTC #2 because ....?

My recommendations would be (in this order):

1. STOP TTC #2 for 6 months. A 3 year separation between kids is a lovely one. That will remove one stressor.

2. Take more time off school.

3. Beg/borrow/steal the time or hire someone to fix the mudroom and the bathroom. If you think that trying to do home renovations with an 18 month old is hard, trying doing it with a newborn and a 2 1/2 year old. If your home life is in chaos, you can't decompress at home.

4. Why are you going to school? Can that wait?

5. Look for a new job and/or talk to your boss about the dreadfully dull nature of it and see if there's something you can do to make it more fulfilling. If your dh works 9-5, does he have benefits? Could you work 5-10 and have your kids in daycare in the afternoons only? A mom who has a soul sucking job may not be a better mom than one who works evenings or weekends.

All this.

I think people get really really caught up in having "the right" age gap between their kids (not saying this is necessarily the case with you and your DH) that they don't look at the whole picture. Lots of mamas will chime in here and talk about their kids' age gaps and how it's all ok. Having kids close together does not guarantee that they'll be close -- quite the contrary, sometimes!

Unless there are some serious extenuating circumstances, why don't you follow this advice and finish your degree, if it's gonna' help improve your quality of life (kind of work you do being less boring and/or making more money) before TTC? Or drop the degree for now if, objectively, it's not gonna' help you improve your life anytime soon?

Hang in there. We're about to enter the home renovation zone and I'm *not* looking forward to it. It's very very invasive and your home is not a place you can enjoy and relax til you're finished with it.

[happysmileylady]

I totally agree with putting off the TTC for now.  Really.  I do totally understand feeling time constrained on having kids.  DH is several years older than me so we have age issues pressing on us, but we recognize that it's not good for us to ttc right now, so we wait.  And we may reach a point where we have to decide which is more important, his age or another baby.  But right now, ttc has to wait for us.  You have a lot of temporary stressors going on.  You are almost finished with school and you have home maintainence issues that have to be fixed now.  These things have to take temporary priority over having another baby.

And priorities I think is your answer.  I think you and your spouse have to sit down, discuss what all you have going on and decide what is most important and focus on that.  I think if you make a list of priorities and a plan to tackel them, then you will feel more in control and less stressed as a result.

If you hate your current job, look for a new one. 

[mamacolleen]

Thank you all so much for chiming in. I really appreciate all your perspectives.

Honestly, I kind of expected the advice would be to stop TTC right now. I think you all might be right in that department but I'm not 100% convinced yet. We have some significant fertility challenges and our journey to parenthood to date hasn't been easy, quick or fun, all of which is making me feel that we need to get a move on growing our family, despite everything else going on in our lives. I have an ovulation disorder and DH has zero sperm. It is impossible for us to get pregnant the "traditional" way. And we do have some age constraints. I will be 32 next month but DH is 38. My parents had their last 4 kids late in their lives and currently still have 4 young ones at home while they're in their mid-50's. I can see that they just don't have the same energy to fully parent the kids still at home and I don't want to be in that position.

The one bonus of my current job is that my boss adores me and will let me take off the time I need to (with little notice) to actually go to the appointments and tests and procedures that are needed to get pregnant. I can't imagine switching jobs and having a boss who would be that understanding. It might be possible that there's another great boss out there but it seems so risky to try. And you're probably all thinking that doing all this medical stuff to get pregnant is one more thing on my plate that I don't need.... maybe. I just don't know. I just know that our fertility challenges complicate the picture and I may make decisions regarding child-spacing differently than some who don't have the same challenges as us.

It does sound like most of you are saying that having a more fulfilling job is more important even if it means it impacts on the family in terms of childcare costs and hours of work. Is that right? Has anyone held on to an un-fulfilling job for a few years because it was better for the family, knowing that it was temporary (few years)? What specific things helped you get through the work?

As for school, I would love to take more time off but I'm not sure the school would let me. I'm working on my MN in community health, hoping it will help me get a more fulfilling job. I started it part-time before we were seriously talking about having kids. I'm not at all interested in dropping the degree completely. I should perhaps find out how much personal leave I can take from the program before they kick me out.

I like the idea of sitting down with DH and prioritizing things together. We do talk about things incessantly and are for the most part good communicators and have similar enough ideas of what we want from the future. We have been talking about putting together a reno timeline and sticking to it and not adding on any jobs that don't need to get done immediately. Perhaps that will be a good start.

I came home yesterday from work to DH having done all the meal planning and grocery shopping. He also washed most of the CD's and wipes and took a look at what was underneath one of the walls in the mudroom. It actually looks much better insulated than we thought. There's a couple of holes and drafty areas. He thinks it's going to be a much smaller job and had started on it already. I could feel a difference in that room already. We are planning to hire out as much of the work as we can afford to for both projects. We luckily have a very good and inexpensive handyman. And DD had a good night sleep last night and so I did too. That makes all the difference in the world.

[fnpmama]

Okay I may have some perspective on the career thing...

I am a family nurse pracititioner, I work in a community health center that serves mostly poor, uninsured patients. I previously worked the night shift as a n RN in the ICU.

My current position is so much better.  I work 8-4 M-F.  My salary supports our family of 4 in a large city (This includes expensive rent and full time child care. (My husband is a PHD student, so not earning much at all).  I am so much more sane with an 8-4 job, as opposed to nights and weekends. Also, community health is much less stressful than the hospital in my opinion.

Will your Masters in Nursing allow for a significant enough salary increase, and to afford fulltime child care and to pay someone to do the rennovations for you?

If that is the case I say go forward with school.  I was stressed but pushed through my Master's and it was well worth it.

Being a nurse practitioner is very different from an RN in terms of resposibility and intellectual stimulation.  I do less of the exhausting, running around, giving meds than I did in the hospital and more of the thinking and differential diagnosis.  Also in a Community Health Center I get to do alot of acvocacy, and education as well.

Sorry I can't speak much to the L&D experience, I haven't done L&D since I was a student, well except for birthing my own babes...

[happysmileylady]

My DH is 40, I am 33, and we had to do IVF with ICSI for our second.  So, I really do get it.  But really, especially since you need ART, I would suggest holding off on it until you graduate. 

To me, as far as the career thing, it's not necessarily that more fulfilling is more important than how it impacts the family.  Rather, it's that the impact on mom's happiness has an impact on the family too and you have to find a balance between mom's happiness with her job and family happiness.  And really, the cliche goes that if mom is unhappy, everyone's unhappy.  I don't think you have to find a job that is more fulfilling, rather just one that you hate less.

[bobandjess99]

I also have fertiltiy challenges, so i understand the extra pressure it puts on you in terms of TTC. 

i also agree that stopping TTC makes so much sense.  You are ONLY 32...and we are talking 6 months, maybe a year.  I wouldn't push it more than a year, even if you fail to achieve some of the other stuff in that time (like i said, i understand the pressure, and wouldn't put it off longer than that myself)

Ok, you hate the job right now..fine...i think it's fine to do a job you hate for a bit in order to get your life to a better place.  how many of us flipped burgers to get through college? :)

Go FULL steam towards your goals.  You have this semester, summer session and next fall...can you be done with your degree by then?  Try.  hard. You can even plan to take some courses next spring if you absolutely can't finish next fall, but MSN programs are usually only 2 years long, so even if you have been PT for a couple years, you shouldnt have more than a year left?  Since this semester has started, chances are you can't asdd mroe classes in, but that's okay..you have the house to finish :)

Go to your stupid boring job, and then come home and work your butt off on  the house.  Do your 1 class.  Plan to have as much of teh house done as you can by summer, when you take as many classes as you can.  do the same thing in the fall.  By the middle of fall semester, say oct, nov, you should be good to go in terms of TTC again, and then if you have any courses left, finish in the spring next year, along with gestate your new baby :) By next summer, you are a MSN, and after your maternity leave in the summer/fall (hoperfully, if it doesn't take too long :) ) you can look for a new better job instead of returning to your old job.  So...12-18 months from now, you have everything you want :)  If you will be able to finish for sure in the fall and not have to go next spring, I;'d be okay with moving TTC up to this summer, if you will be able to handle a full fall plus being pregnant (i get HG, so it's totally NOT for me lol )

Of course, you don't have control over everything, it may not work out, but in your shoes, that would be my plan. 

Also, i will say i started ttc 21 months, and not yet sleeping throughthe night,..she started at 24 months :)  it was AMAZING...it took about 9 months to conceive, so i wasnt actually preggo until she was 30 months (which was the month we weaned..i still dont know if it was a coincidence or not that it happened the VERY month after we weaned) and my kids are 3.25 years apart.  It's a nice spacing :)