How can I prevent sleep issues with this next baby?

[MamaWillow]

I have a 2yo DS who has been a terrible sleeper from the beginning. I always allowed him to nurse to sleep, then it got to where he wouldn't stay asleep without the breast. If I wasn't around to nurse him through naps, someone else had to be wearing him and couldn't put him down. At night, he also had to nurse to sleep, had to be next to me all night, and woke nearly every hour until he was a year old. It was a nightmare. DH refused to have a crib, he calls it a "baby cage," which left me stuck lying in bed with DS for naps and for an hour before he fell asleep at night. Still at 2yo, I have to lay down with him, he freaks if DH tries to put him sleep. He can't sleep alone at night, he is a total cuddler and has to be next to someone, like RIGHT next to someone.

I'm now 20 weeks pg, and I am agonizing over the whole sleeping situation. I do enjoy co-sleeping, but DS has just taken so much out of me that I don't know if I can do it that way again. I really don't know what to do with DS, he is snug against me all night long most of the time and I'm feeling the need to get him out of our bedroom, but I don't know. That's a whole other thread!

So my question is, what can I do to create a good sleeper? I will BF of course, always on demand, but I wonder if scheduling would help the sleep issue? Where should I put the baby? I have told DH that there is a possibility we will have a crib, we could sidecar it or try something else. I'm also considering a Kanoe baby hammock, but I wonder how long that will last, and I also feel the need to have control over the baby being in bed...as in a "baby cage" so when she becomes mobile she can't get out.

It's hard for me because I do believe in attachment parenting for the most part, but DS has worn me out in the sleep department and I need some advice on how to avoid that again. i don't think I can do it for another 2 years!

[Knitting Mama]

I really think it comes down to the personality of the baby more than anything. I have watched my friend, who has 4 children, have 2 easy sleepers and 2 terrible sleepers. She didn't change anything about how she dealt with their sleep (AP as well).

I have, however, heard wonderful things about the Kanoe, and maybe you'll find that your second baby is content to sleep alone in it.

[gradstudentmommy]

From everything I've read (and my own personal experience), babies who sleep with their parents or even in the same room as their parents wake more than babies who sleep in their own room. And breastfeeding babies wake more often than formula fed babies. That's just a reality independent of how you feel about co-sleeping and breastfeeding. It didn't stop me from doing either.

I co-slept with DD in our bed until she was almost 8 months and by then I was going crazy with sleep deprivation. She was waking up every 15 minutes! So I moved her to her own crib in her own room and she (age 4) has been a fantastic sleeper ever since. I'm in the process of moving my 5 month old to his crib. I love co-sleeping but I can't take the sleep deprivation.

In retrospect, I wish I would have put DS down for naps in his co-sleeper instead of always nursing him in our bed. Both of my kids were totally dependent on the nurse/sleep association to fall asleep and so they had a hard time learning how to put themselves back to sleep when they woke up without nursing. They also would not accept rocking or soothing from my DH, they demanded the boobie, which made it hard on me.

Both of my kids napped every 2 hours when they were infants. And around 4 months, they started going to sleep between 6:30-7:00.

I hear you about the attachment parenting being exhausting, especially in the sleep department. And it became harder for me when I had two children. Mommies need their rest too so figure out what works best for your baby AND you and your family. That's my 2 cents.

[Knitting Mama]

See, and my experience is not the same. My daughter sleeps less on her own than she does with me in bed with her, by far. I have a few friends whose experiences are similar to mine, and some who share your experience. I still maintain that it's more about the baby's-- and the mother's-- personality. For example, not only does Cecilia sleep better with me, but, if I attempt to sleep without her, I can't do it. I can maybe get a few minutes' nap in, but hardly. So we're lucky that our personalities mesh on this.

[katelove]

I agree that it's mostly personality. I have demand fed and co-slept with my nearly-9 month old since birth. If she isn't hungry then she will often fall asleep with DH and, more often than not, I can feed her to sleep then get up and leave her sleeping. Both for naps and when she first goes down at night. I certainly don't think I have the magic touch, I just have a baby who'll do it.

[SeattleRain]

Can I just say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with a baby sleeping in a crib. Cribs are not "baby cages" and shouldn't have that negative association. If it was my husband who was making broad assumptions about cribs, but yet wasn't the one forced to sleep with the baby all the time, I'd straighten him out. My baby sleeps happily in a crib and always has, and he's never been subjected to sleep training and has always been fed on demand. For 4 months he slept right at the foot of my bed in a pack and play, and when he started waking up all the time whenever my husband and I spoke, we moved him to his own room. We use a video monitor and we wake up with him whenever he wakes up.

I have no idea if your baby's sleep issues could be caused by cosleeping, but I firmly believe that the best sleep situation is the one where everyone in the family sleeps best. So if baby isn't sleeping well and mommy isn't sleeping well, find a different solution. If that solution is a crib then there's nothing wrong with that. You do NOT have to cosleep in order to be a loving parent.

I think babies who need holding all the time come down to a personality thing. However, one thing that I did when Daniel was young was that I used to actievly TRY to put him down when he'd fall asleep as a newborn. I know a lot of people who hold their babies all the time while they're sleeping, I tried to put him in a swing or down on the floor or in his crib when he slept. This helped him to get used to sleeping not in someone's arms. I guess it worked, he falls asleep while I'm rocking him but doen't seem to need help going from arms to crib.

[D_McG]

With my second I was just much less tolerant of the things that I use to grit my teeth through with DS. That meant that while the occasional all-night-nursing thing was to be expected... if it went on too long I'd just say no and not nurse her (you know, assuming it had been like 45 minutes earlier that she'd nursed and she clearly could.not.be.hungry. I'd hold her etc but I really, really avoided the perma-nursing thing because it was our real downfall with DS.)

I also honored my 'squirmy' feelings much more. This meant passing her off to DH (even if she protested) if I was getting touched out or frustrated.

I worked a bit at night so she was used to going to bed with DH.

I had to sometimes walk off and let her cry to tend to my older son. Not often or in any deliberate way. But I just couldn't 'jump' for her as much as I did my first and I think it was a good thing.

I was quick to implement something with DD that I didn't do with my first until after he turned a year: That was instituting 'no nursing' between her bedtime and mine. If she woke, she got DH or if he wasn't there she got to cuddle me. But that really really helped them both to realize that once they were in bed it was SLEEP time. Not wake every 45 minutes and get an immediate boob time.

I didn't change anything with our sleep situation. Still coslept. I was and still am very rigid about total hours sleep in the day, early bedtimes etc.

Just in general though I was more relaxed and I think more realistic. I trusted in her ability to adapt much more than I did DS' and I think she rose to the occasion.

[coffeegirl]

Absolutely nothing wrong with a baby sleeping in a crib, mama. I'm sorry that your DH put his foot down about that last time. I think it might be a good thing for you to try. With our DD, we didn't get her home till she was a month old (first month in the NICU), and I co-slept with her for the next 2 months or so because I wanted to solidify/strengthen our breastfeeding relationship.

I was alone those first couple months, because my husband was overseas. When he came home the bed started getting a little crowded lol. So we had a bassinet next to the bed. She spent about half the night in the bassinet and I'd just take her out when she stirred and cried a little and would nurse her back to sleep, then put her back in the bassinet. Or tried to anyhow lol. During this time we also would start off the night in her crib, in her own room, so that she'd get used to the crib. She went to bed around 7 and we dind't go to bed until around 11 pm or so, so she'd be in the crib a few hours.

Eventually, at about.....4 months or so? I wasn't getting enough sleep so we just decided to try leaving her in the crib in her room all night. I think the first night she woke up, and I went and got her and brought her to our bed. After that, though, she slepts straight through the night in her crib. I had thought it would be so much harder than it turned out to be, because of all the horror stories I'd heard. I guess I psyched myself out a bit......all for nothing, as it turned out.

I think giving her that time a few hours a night in her crib (while we were still co-sleeping most of the night) was essential, because then it wasn't such a HUGE transition from mama's bed to crib, you know what I mean. She was already comfortable in the crib. We also have a mobile with soothing music and lights and a fan in her room, both of which help her fall alseep better.

HTH!