I'm struggling and need help, but don't know where to turn (long)

[Caittune]

I need to get this out somehwere, it is eating me up.  

We had a majorly stressful year.  Mostly good things but still stressful.  I had a baby last January and she turns one in 2 weeks.  I have an almost 5 year old.  She's very social but is very demanding of my attention.  Her cup is never full.  No matter how much attention she gets, she still wants more more more.

I have nothing left to give and I feel like I'm about to fly apart.  My 1 year old doesn't nap anywhere but on my lap with my nipple in her mouth.  I try to put her down, she wakes up within 2 minutes and will not go back to sleep.  She's now fighting the naps and I'm lucky if I can get her to sleep at all during the day now.  Of course that means by dinner time, she's about ready to lose it, and the dinner I've cooked for us usually ends up uneaten or eaten cold by me because she loses it and I end up tending to her.  I am able to put her in her crib to sleep for about an hour at night time and then she's up again.  Usually I go to bed and just take her with me at that point.  She nurses throughout the night.  DH complains she kicks him or keeps him up, but refuses to move from the bed.  So I stay awake trying to keep her from bugging him.

Our house is dirty.  DH doesn't clean.  We have had many many discussions about this in the past.  I've set up chore lists, I've set up a home keeping book, and still nothing changes.  He helped by vacuming the floor the other day.  He was only going to do the corner of the room where the pine needles from the xmas tree were, it didn't even occur to him to do the rest of the room while he had the vacume out.   His mom did all the cleaning and everything in their house.  To this day FIL will actually go without eating if she is not home to cook for him because he refuses to do anything in the kitchen.  Just as an example of the family dynamic he grew up in.

I'm sitting here angry all the time. I snapped at my DD this morning, and then apologized to her told her I was tired, and she said "mommy, you are always tired and cranky" This is what made it hit home.  My exhaustion and depression is causing me to be a not good parent to my kids.  I am constantly on edge because I know the second I decide to do something for myself, it will result in one of the kids freaking out and needing me.

For example, 95% of the time when I try to shower, I come back to the baby screaming for some reason.  If I try to shower when DH isn't home she absolutely freaks out and screams the entire time.  So, I get to shower maybe 2 times a week if I'm lucky.  

I'm tired. I need help, but I don't know where to start.  My parents are not in the picture.  Will not babysit and even if they would, I wouldn't trust them.  They are toxic.  My inlaws help a lot, but their opinion is that I need to just suck it up and do "it" for my kids.  We don't go to church, and don't have the "village" that would be so helpful in this situation.  

I'm going to drag the kids out for a walk and hopefully clear my head a bit...

[gbailey]

OP, I'm sorry things are so stressful for you. I'm not sure what advice to give but wanted to send you hugs.

[Linda on the move]

Im sorry for what you are going through. I went through something similar after having my second child. We ended up hiring a cleaning service to come in every other week. It was a sanity saver. I also had to have a very frank conversation with my dh because he really didn't get it. Rather than telling your dh what to do, try to brain storm with him about what he realistically is willing to do to make this work. My dh starting taking the kids out for awhile on Saturdays so I could peace and quiet. That was easier than him staying home, and I got a chance to bathe and/or nap. But even though I was losing it, he couldn't see that until I told him.

The last thing I did isn't a popular mothering idea, but eventually I night weaned my younger dd. She continued to nurse during the day and at bedtime until she was 2 1/2, but I nightweaned and within a few days she started sleeping through the night, which meant that I could get 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep most nights, and sleep is necessary for my sanity.

Good luck. This is a temporary stage. They really do grow up!

[Caittune]

Thank you for your support.  I haven't even been able to talk to DH about this I haven't hardly been able to speak to him all week.  

[plantnerd]

It may be good for you and older dd if you got her into some preschool.  She's probably bored, and it would give you a little time with only one kid to worry about.

As for the one year old, I have a one year old and he will drive me nuts sometimes.  Half cute/half beast!  I use the ergo for housecleaning, strap him on my back and we do it.  Music helps :)  The sleeping issue?  MDC would not like what I have to say, but if something's broke, fix it. 

For a shower, I put D in the exersaucer and let him scream for ten minutes if that's what he's going to do.  Most of the time he will play, but if not, dude, I have to shower eventually, so sorry son.

We just cut the morning nap and that has helped a lot with the sleeping thing, especially during the day.  Maybe baby is ready for one long nap instead of two short ones.

At dinner- are you serving early enough?  We eat at 6 and D is in bed by 7.  Some nights, yeah, he cranks away in the high chair, whining, etc, but once again, son, mom deserves at least one meal a day, hang in there, tubby time is coming in a sec.

Look, I know this sounds cruel to a lot of ppl.  I shower my child with attention all day, but there are times where mom has to meet her needs too.  A one year old IMO is ready to start figuring that out.

[pianojazzgirl]

I think that the sleep deprivation could be playing a really large part in how overwhelmed you are feeling.  I would first try to really get through to dh how desperately tired (and at the end of your tether) you are and how it would make a big difference if he could sleep in the guest bed.  If he still didn't agree to do that then I'd move to the guest bed and bring baby with me.  My dh and I slept apart for a while (a year? more?) when ds was little and sleep was precious and hard to come by.  Things improved starting the first night dh moved to the guest bed (the issue was him snoring and tossing and turning and keeping me and ds up).  It's possible if you change just this one thing it might make a big difference.

[QuestionGal]

The thing about AP parenting is doing what works for you as a family. Obviously things aren't working, you are miserable, things need to change.  I 2nd the ideas of nightweaning, a pre-school/MDO program for older DD, and a frank conversation with DH where you work out a specific plan.  Hiring a cleaning service, using a meal plan service (e-mealz, menus 4 moms) are also good ideas.  We also spilt up at night when it's rough. One of us will be on "baby duty" while the other is off duty all night.  We BOTH sleep better (even the one who is on baby duty) just having an entire bed to ourselves.

You have to take care of yourself so that you can take care of those around you.

As for showering....not a popular idea here on MDC but it worked for me: Put DC in a high chair/ exersaucer (some type of containment) and turn on Sesame Street (I kept it DVR'd). I'd also toss a few finger foods (cheerios, etc) on the tray and then GO TAKE A SHOWER. 

Taking care of yourself also involves doing things JUST for you... let DH take both kiddos for an hour while you have a cup of coffee somewhere, or a dessert/coffee with friends after kids are in bed, give yourself permission to sit down and eat a hot meal at least once a day. 

HUGS, 

[Spring Lily]

This sounds so familiar. My oldest DC was like that with the constant nursing and neediness, and I felt like I was going to lose my mind last year when my twins were 1. I had little help from my parents, DH's parents are not trustworthy & toxic, and we don't belong to a church. So yes, I have a lot of empathy!

I don't have a magic fix, but I can tell you a few things that made me feel better or that I have done to make things more manageable. I'm not good at being consistent with some of them, but when I'm struggling I try to work them in more.

1. Get out of the house. Staying home all day with needy kids when you've had little sleep is a recipe for madness. Who could possibly feel good in that environment? I've noticed that when we get out, even if it's just a walk, everyone's mood lightens. The kids are entertained & not as whiny or clingy, I m more pleasant and patient with them...all around a better experience.

2. Get more sleep. I finally nightweaned my twins because I couldn't take the sleep deprivation any more. I realized that lack of sleep was making me not a very good mom during the day, and I feel so much more human now that I'm sleeping more than 2 hours at a time. Not that you have to wean completely, but it sounds like the nighttime situation isn't working well for the 3 of you right now. It needs to change. Maybe just cutting back on the number of times you nurse. Does she have a pacifier? And if my DH wouldn't leave the room, I'd either leave the baby with him for a shift and sleep in the other room for awhile or I would stop worrying about waking him up. There's only so much you have to be responsible for!

3. See friends. Seeing other adults and having fun makes you feel more like yourself. It can help you get through the day! If you know you're just going to be hanging out for a couple hours at your house, call around and find another SAHM friend who can come hang out with you & the kids can play.

4. Make dinner during the easiest part of the day. If the kids are great during the morning or at lunch, use that time to cook your meal or start the crockpot, and then just warm or serve it later when things get hard. Also, during the roughest time of the day, go out (distractions often make my kids less cranky) or plan something special, like an art project or pull out a toy they haven't played with in a while.

Also, I don't know if it will help, but I got so sick of Dh not helping at one point that I told him I'm not doing his laundry anymore. I just don't have time. So I bought an enormous hamper for him, and all of his clothes go in there that I find lying around. I don't wash, fold, or iron them. He wants clothes for work, he'd better take care of it himself. It sounds like a little thing but it made me feel lighter just taking one more big chore off of my list. Maybe there is something like that you can do, if DH is really messy. If not, I'd suggest sitting down with him and coming up with some kind of division of labor that is more equitable. Your marriage is not his parents' marriage, and doesn't need to be the same if you didn't agree on that. I wonder if his parents had more support or help which made it possible for the dad to be the way he is?