BFing and loss of libido

[kismetbaby]

Not sure exactly where this belongs, so mods please feel free to move. . .

But my DS is 15m, and I still have zero libido.  This is starting to worry me and needless to say, it ain't doing wonders for my marriage (DH is sympathetic mind you, but we are both missing that part of our relationship).  DS still hardly ever goes without BFing for more than 3 or 4 hours day and night. He has been slow to solids so I haven't wanted to enforce any type of weaning on him and I really, really cherish my BFing relationship and hope to BF till he is at least 2.  However, I want my love life back!!!  It was alright by me for awhile, but now it's starting to bother me.

Anyone have any helpful thoughts on this?  

It's like a switch has just been turned off. I can't even get into it. . . ehem, on my own.  I'm sure some of it is emotional (adding the mom role onto the lover and wife role) and some of it is from being so tired all the time, and some of it is b/c we co-sleep and don't really have a lot of "adult" spaces in the house (small house).  But I'd guess that 75% of it is purely hormonal--I haven't had a return of my cycles yet.   I'd be happy to get my cycles back at this point as long as they are accompanied by my sex drive! 

Are their ways (herbal, etc) to encourage some libido without loosing my milk supply? 

Edited by kismetbaby - 1/10/11 at 4:55pm

[lalemma]

Hey - December '09 mama, right?

I'm in pretty much the same situation, except that my period came back at seven months. And he still nursed all the time and didn't really eat solids at that point. (Sigh.) I have to be honest: my cycle coming back was not at all the change I was hoping for, libido-wise.

Like you, I think it's largely hormonal. I don't feel like I have big unresolved issues in my marriage or personal life. It's just... I'm not that interested! It's a drag. I empathize.

I'm not going to claim that this is the best approach, but what we've done is to set a goal of how often we would like to have sex, and then I really try my best to stick with it. (YMMV, but I honestly think that semi-regular intimacy is key to keeping my marriage healthy.)

If you're comfortable drinking small amounts of alcohol, I've found that a glass of wine REALLY helps. My theory is that the lactating hormones tell my brain "Don't do anything that distracts from the precious baby!!!" and a glass of wine overrides that response temporarily.

We also co-sleep, so I relate to that specific issue, too. Do you have a spare room or a living room? We jokingly refer to the study as the palace of love, and keep a futon in there. It's not exactly spur-of-the-moment ("Do you want to have sex later? Okay, I'll go set up the futon...") but hey, a parent has to do what a parent has to do.

I'm looking forward to any other responses!

[Quinalla]

For me, the whole always-on-alert mom brain, fatigue and severe lack of free time was what was hardest on my libido. It is too hard to relax and get to the place where I am focused just on me and DH when I've constantly got the running thoughts of "What if she wakes up in the next 5 seconds?", when I really would rather be sleeping because I am so tired and when I really need to be doing the dishes or laundry or whatever. The first there isn't much to be done except to set things up so you are comfortable, a monitor somewhere you can hear it so you can not worry or maybe leaving the baby at a sitters and heading home for some alone time. For fatigue, I just had to make more time for sleep, some nights I went to bed when she did and then that gave me enough energy to "stay up" on other nights. For the last, the best thing thing for us was DH helping more with chores than he had in the past and both of us taking 20 minutes or so each night and do various house cleaning stuff at the same time.

I'm sure BFing is a factor, but maybe start telling yourself that your libido isn't gone and you are going to get it back despite the BFing factor. Then make a point to try to get yourself in the mood, even just a little fantasizing and some cuddling with no expectation of more, that might help get things warmed up. This book may help you, it helped me some, I read it while pregnant in preparation Confessions of a Naughty Mommy: How I Found My Lost Libido by Heidi Raykeil.

[Shannie77]

This is pretty much what we do.  I try and make sure we are intimate 3 times a week.  That is what keeps my DH happy, which makes me happy and keeps our marriage on track.  Honestly I would be happy not to at all, but I also find that the more it becomes part of our routine the more I am able to get in to it.  Wine definitely helps! :P

I also co-sleep with my 2 daughters and we just use my DD's room or the basement.

I definitely found my libido got better when DD1 got older and wasn't nursing as much and my period returned (this was close to 2 years for me),
 

Originally Posted by lalemma 

Hey - December '09 mama, right?

I'm in pretty much the same situation, except that my period came back at seven months. And he still nursed all the time and didn't really eat solids at that point. (Sigh.) I have to be honest: my cycle coming back was not at all the change I was hoping for, libido-wise.

Like you, I think it's largely hormonal. I don't feel like I have big unresolved issues in my marriage or personal life. It's just... I'm not that interested! It's a drag. I empathize.

I'm not going to claim that this is the best approach, but what we've done is to set a goal of how often we would like to have sex, and then I really try my best to stick with it. (YMMV, but I honestly think that semi-regular intimacy is key to keeping my marriage healthy.)

If you're comfortable drinking small amounts of alcohol, I've found that a glass of wine REALLY helps. My theory is that the lactating hormones tell my brain "Don't do anything that distracts from the precious baby!!!" and a glass of wine overrides that response temporarily.

We also co-sleep, so I relate to that specific issue, too. Do you have a spare room or a living room? We jokingly refer to the study as the palace of love, and keep a futon in there. It's not exactly spur-of-the-moment ("Do you want to have sex later? Okay, I'll go set up the futon...") but hey, a parent has to do what a parent has to do.

I'm looking forward to any other responses!

[kismetbaby]

Thanks so much mamas!  I really appreciate the responses, if only to hear that I am not "broken" and that others are in my same situation.  My DH told me recently that his ideal minimum is 3x a week. . .OMG, I about died, b/c that sounds totally impossible and that's his minimum. Oiy.  But I am thinking if we planned for 2x a week, I could muster up the energy for that and maybe as you all suggest just the act of making that a routine would help.  I feel like part of the issue is I have self-defeating thoughts when we get at all snuggly. . .like "I am just not going to be able to get into this", "I'd rather just be sleeping", etc.  And then I feel bad that I can't even get my head in the game!  Or my mind wanders off to my LO "is he going to wake" etc.

lalemma--Oct '09 mama here actually. Although I was part of the Sept '09 DDC, but my LO was a week "overdue" and made it to Oct.  Wine, yeah that might be key.   We do have a spare room. . .it's the office, but we have a futon in there for guests. IN fact, it's set up right now, since we recently had a guest and I was thinking maybe we should leave it that way for us. 

Quinalla--thanks for the book suggesting!  That looks like what I need. . .I had no idea there was such a book out there, guess I'm not the only one.  I think you're right about just telling myself that my libido is still there and can be reignited despite the BFing.  I mean, I know it's partly how ecological BFing works, but on the other hand, I was the BF for a long while and I don't want to have to choose btw nourishing my son and nurturing my marriage, yk?