When do I say when?

[Thparkly]

I'm new to this forum and was lurking for a while.

I might be wasting my time expecting anyone to even be able to get their head around all these details I'm writing, but I guess I'm overwhelmed and if nothing else, putting my issues in writing is therapeutic.  If anyone has any input as to what they might do in my situation, I'm all ears. Here is the summary of my situation:

After being unemployed for a VERY long time (I moved to Metro Detroit in 2007), I finally found a job.  There were a few problems:

1. I was completely unqualified for the job and had to BS my way into it

2. The job was to take me out of state and away from my husband indefinitely

3. I was pregnant with my first child and around 20 weeks and having health-related issues.

4. I'm a very anxious type of person and need everything to be planned.

Well, I took the job because it was only the 2nd offer I'd received in well over a year and I knew I would deeply regret passing up any viable opportunity to get a career again.

I packed my car full of stuff and drove to Georgia and started the job.

It is now about 1.5 months later, and am today almost 27 weeks pregnant.  I had to switch practices due to the move and am already less than thrilled with the new practice and have been referred out to a urologist.  I am doing OK in this new job but my boss is probably not willing to relocate me back to Michigan until I am well past my due date.  He has explained how great the  hospitals here are (they have a c-section rate of almost 40%).

I am a new contractor and have no legal means to push for special care and didn't bother to tell them I was pregnant; I just showed up with a little bump on my first day of work! I think under these circumstances I can hardly expect them to bend over bakcwards.

I cannot possibly stay here by myself without any help and have a child alone.  I need my husband's support.  I have to find a way to get back to michigan and hopefully not lose my job, but that seems impossible.  So, why am I even still here?

I don't even know what hospital or birth center I will be delivering at, and still have to give a deposit to my would-be doula in Michigan.

To make matters more complicated, my husband might be offered a job in Florida in the next 2-4 weeks, in which case I would have to immediately leave this new job I've fought so hard for.  This would put me around 32 weeks pregnant before I could even begin to find yet a third practice to see for prenatal care, not to mention all the other complications of someone trying to find a new home when they are about to have a baby.  And this will mean I am moving from state to state a third time in my pregnancy.

On the other hand, I have never felt more fulfilled and grateful to be alive.  But I am not sure how late in to my pregnancy I should allow myself to be in these situations when I have a choice to quit. 

Sorry its so complicated and rambling. Any words of support (even if you have no idea what I'm talking about) would be nice:-)

[ArcticRose]

It's soo hard not knowing where you will be/want to be, especially when you have something as important as the birth of your baby impending. There are so many details that we want to have settled in our minds. Where the baby will be born, who will be there, what will happen.

I know it isn't any real consolation, but even the most settled person can have their entire life turned upside down at the last minute and all the things they "knew" before hand go out the window. The good news is that you are strong (look what you've done already!) and that wherever the birth happens, you will have your own beautiful baby who will be the center of your universe!

I don't have any answers for you. Only you can decide what will be best for you and your baby. But I can empathise with your situation.

[othersomethings]

A couple of things. 

1. Is you working in this capacity something you simply can't live without? Not working, finding another career, working from home, freelancing, etc. are all ruled out options?

2. I don't know what area specifically you are in in GA, or what area specifically you would potentially be moving to in FL, but there are GREAT resources here in the "finding your tribe" area to help people in their regions. Drs, midwives, doulas, birth centers, hospitals, etc. where people can give you personal recommendations. For instance, if you're looking at the FL panhandle or central (greater orlando) FL areas, I can personally give some recommendations for health care even if it meant transferring to them last minute. 

Health care professionals are not insensitive to the fact that sometimes people have to relocate late in pregnancy. They should be able to work with you, and if you get some good recommendations it will take some of the stress out of "finding" someone you click with on such short notice. 

If you have an inkling that moving might be a possibility, it doesn't hurt to start looking now for potential birthing options in that area. No commitments need to be made, just inquirys. 

Keeping your job is really the thing I would be looking at, if I were in your shoes. Weighing the scales between how important that exact job is (yes, even in this rough market) and how important having your baby and establishing your family is. It's the choice every working mother has to look hard at, and sometimes the best choice isn't always the first choice. Your priorities obviously are going to be the deciding factor here. I believe a mom can work and care for her family too, but I also believe it's a very hard road. Choices like this will arise, and you will be torn. Especially after this child is born. 

I personally took the freelance from home route. My career permits that, and I have enjoyed the benefits. I totally recommend it if the "not working" option just isn't on the table for you. 

Sorry you're being faced with these choices. It's not ideal, that's for sure. 

[Thparkly]

Hi Arcticrose,

Thanks for the words of support. Iguess my next task is to ask mom's how hard things were for them physically as they get further into their 3rd trimester.  I know it varies, but I'd like a better idea.  I keep having recurring bladder infections and my baby is only 2lbs right now, I am so sleep deprived from going to the bathroom five times a night, I am terrified what it will be like with a baby in my belly several times this size. How will I sleep enough to function at all, much less make critical decisions and move to another new state?

I know, questions nobody can really answer for me, but the empathy is really nice!

[WhiteHorse]

Hi, sorry if my post isn't coherent - I have needy 3 yo to wrangle with right now. Maybe I missed it, but is this your first child? I was 37 the last time I was pregnant (and 40 now at 24 wks). The last time I was working full time till I delivered and up and about a bit more than now (I work part time now). The 3rd trimester wasn't as bad as I thought it would be working and walking around, but I did find it hard to sleep. But compared to after the baby was born, it was still a piece of cake. I am a light sleeper and have trouble getting back to sleep if I get up, and I have to pee several times per night! Sleeping has been an issue for the last 4 years with pregnancies and my 3 yo who is still co-sleeping with me on a twin mattress. So I feel for you! I also totally feel for you in this work situation - I was unemployed for a long time, partially because we chose to not do daycare and partially because I could not find local freelance work (I am a technical writer and my freelance work takes me all over the country and that was not an option with a little one). I actually was offered a very good full time position (my dream job!) in 2008 at a great local company. It would  have instantly doubled our income... but, I didn't take the job. I felt I needed to be at home with my son. We had already given up our 4 bedroom house, kicked out our college kids, and moved to a tiny 2 bedroom apartment. I felt the long hours plus 2 hours of commuting every day would loosen the bond I had with my little one and I would not see him the same way. You have to make tough choices as a mom and I honestly feel if you put your child first before your job, things will work out. Money is very tight. We do not eat out, we do not have movies, I shop for clothes at the thrift store, we do not even go places because we don't have gas money. But we have food, a warm place to live and taking it one day at a time. I have not missed my son's little personality blossoming, the things he says and does that crack me up and the every-two-minute-hugs! I can teach him and show him the things I choose, and not leave it up to someone else who might do it differently. I only recently took a part time contract with the same company I was offered the job, it is 2 days per week and I miss him every second of the day. He stays with my mother in law, but she is handicapped and not able to do it very long. I plan to work until the baby comes, and maybe I will have more opportunities like this in the future. We do not know for sure what is going to happen, but that is part of the adventure... trying to be positive! I would write more, but my 3 yo needs a band-aid! Hope you find a situation that works for your family!

[ArcticRose]

I keep having recurring bladder infections and my baby is only 2lbs right now, I am so sleep deprived from going to the bathroom five times a night, I am terrified what it will be like with a baby in my belly several times this size.

I'm not a Dr. or anything, so this is just from my own experience. Drink as much water as you possibly can! I know it seems counter-intuitive to drink more when you have to pee all the time, but it really does help. The more concentrated your urine is, the more urgent the feeling of needing to go. I find that if I slack off on drinking water, or drink too many other beverages (juice, tea, etc.) that I have to pee every five minutes. When I consistently drink lots of water, I pee more when I go, but have to go less often. If I haven't had enough water, I'm up three of four times during the night, if I drink plenty, I may have to get up once.

If drinking more water doesn't help, there maybe another reason you have to pee so frequently. I had a brief UTI during my previous pregnancy... NOT FUN!

As for worrying about how much sleep you will get once the baby comes... there are some things that can help there, too. Co-sleeping is what did it for us. I wasn't getting any sleep at all until I decided to just keep DD in bed with me. She could nurse with minimal wake-up for her or me. That doesn't work for everyone, but it worked for us. =)

DD was born early, so I didn't get all that far into the third trimester. I could come back in July and let you know how it went this time, but I think that will be a little late for helping you. =P

We are in limbo right now too, trying to figure out our next move. We may be selling our house and moving, we might be staying. I might be using insurance and having a hospital birth, or paying out of pocket for the lovely midwife I had last time. I hate not knowing! I'm trying really hard to focus on the fact that wherever we are, and however this baby comes out of me, it will all work out in the end and we will have another beautiful baby! The main difference between our situations, I think, is that I have support. My husband is disabled, which leaves me making most of the decisions and doing most of the work, but the emotional support is so very helpful! I can't imagine how tough it would be to be alone and facing such choices. Does your husband help from afar?

Hang in there and keep reminding yourself that you are stronger than you think! And, one way or another, this will all be sorted out and settled sometime in the not too distant future. If you have to move late in your pregnancy, then you will do it and then it will be done. Take things one day at a time until you know what you want to do, or what you have to do, and then take all that energy you saved from not worrying and spring into action! I know... easier said than done! I haven't quite figured out how to do that myself, lol.

[Thparkly]

othersomethings: I am sorry for the delayed reply. My internet is not always reliable here but it did get read; by the time I went to reply it crapped out when I was typing to arcticrose.  I am sending you a cyberhug in appretiation for the very thoughtful ideas you wrote. At this point it looks like my boss is not going to accomodate my needs, so that easily resolves the issue of how long to stay in Ga. As for moving to Fl, that is looking more and more like an unlikely event since that company keeps delaying the process. 

[Thparkly]

hi whitehorse,

thanks for the input, and it is very touching to hear you making things work.  I am expecting my first baby.  I don't see how I can work when I read a post like this LOL.  Bless you and your babies. Oh by the way, have you tried work from home writing gigs? There is textbroker and a few others that I hear are legit from other SAHMs; PM me if interested.

[Thparkly]

Arctic rose,

Good news: my last urine test showed no blood cells:-) and I think the antibiotics finally started to work.  On the down side, now I am in the cycle of bacteria being off, so I am taking probiotics and I found some reaslly awesome info on here for other more natural remedeies like mannose.  If only I can remember to get some I am set.  Your words of wisdom are very soothing and I know as hard as it is for me, at least right now I am not having to worry about the baby since my body is taking care of it right now subconsciously.  I will try to relax and acceo the things i cannot change. 

[poorlittlefish]

I have to put my baby  to bed but wanted to give you hugs. 

The 3rd tri is different for everyone but I went to my due date or right before with both my girls and worked a whole day the day I gave birth but I do have a desk job.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Thparkly]

poorlittlefish, thanks and hugs back at you:-)

Any woman who works on the day of her labor (desk or not), is a badass. Kudos.

[tzs]

hey there.....sounds like you have alot of thinking going on. i've found that as much as i can go over things in my head (and over....and over....) they just become clearer as time goes on. (there's this saying, "man plans, g-d laughs" which is so true.

for me the 3rd trimester was as easy as the rest. yes, harder to jump out of bed and harder to find clothes i actually wanted to wear but physically it was no biggie. and for the record, i was 34, out of shape, and in general i am a total wimp and was expecting it to be grueling.

my main thing would be to really look at the job and how you see it playing out. i've been employed a couple times at jobs that were just over my head and somewhat BS'd my way into (but really, bs'ing is kind of the nature of interviews anyway) and neither of them ended up well. i didn't have anything at stake at the time but in retrospect, if i had to look critically at how things were going i could have foreseen that it wasn't going to go anywhere fast. i don;t know if that's the case with you. you could be the g-getter that i wasn;t but i think if you really examine how things are going you could determine if there's a future in that job which would make it worth it to stay or whether it wouldn't be worth the trouble.

[Thparkly]

TZS,

Sorry it is two weeks later!  Update: I have been given permission to work from home.  The only drawback is that I can't go home until I am 34 weeks to work from home:-(  But gosh I feel lucky. As to how I will work out working and having a baby, that is the next daunting task.

I saw a psychologist last week and realized I have an anxiety disorder. In hindsight taking this job was stupid, but now that I have it, and after all I have gone thru to get it, I am not going to let go easily.

[tzs]

glad it's working out. so is hubby getting a new job or no???

anyway, being employed might be just what you need with an anxiety disorder. i also deal with one (panic attacks related to agoraphobioa) and not working at the end of my first pregnancy was actually really tough. too much time to dwell. strangely enough, some job-related stress (which IMO is easier to handle) can take your mind off of baby stress!