What is your DH like after you give birth?

[mommy22boys]

Is he more helpful, grateful, sympathetic? Just wondering how your Dhs treat you after giving birth. 

Thanks for the replies so far. I ran out of time when I was asking the question. 

My DH is amazing for the first 2 days after. For our 3rd baby my mom was here for a week after, helping with cooking, taking care of our older kids, etc. Now it has been a little over a week since our baby was born, and it's just me and DH and the kids now. DH expects me to go back to cooking for us now. He is not working right now. I feel like he should want me to relax still. I feel great, and thankfully I had a great birth with no complications or anything, and I do feel healed and back to normal, just a bit sore. So I guess I can go back to doing everything myself, I just feel like after watching what I went through for us and our baby, my DH should want to help me and want me to do nothing. 

Do you think that's reasonable? Or is DH right, I should be back to my normal self, cooking, cleaning, etc.? 

Edited by mommy22boys - 1/11/11 at 11:32am

[Rani]

DH was fantastic, supportive, loving. I came home the next day from the hospital with babe.  He helped me set up in the bedroom...would bring food or water while I was nursing.  Basically was there all the time in the early days to help as needed and to just support.  He would calm me down when I freaked out about something and take her as much as he could to help me rest and heal the stitches - vaginal birth but I tore a little. 

[philomom]

My dh was amazing. Not only was he the best labor support I could ever imagine but he was in awe of me for awhile with the natural births. He was so gentle helping me and the baby settle in. He took off a couple of weeks from work. He helped manage visits of folks that just could not wait to see the new arrival. I couldn't have managed without him. He's a wonderful man and a good husband and father.

[Adaline'sMama]

My DH was awesome. He was totally in awe of the event. He was a great birth partner, and he took great care of me afterwards. He was super excited and completely in awe of being a daddy. I think that lasted about 6 weeks...

[mommy22boys]

My DH sounds like your guys', but like I said only for the first few days. 

Maybe I'm not that nice to him, and I am kinda grumpy towards him sometimes, but I mean isn't that normal right now? 

Edited by mommy22boys - 1/11/11 at 11:57am

[mmaramba]

A week and a half is not enough time IMO for you to even MOSTLY be back to "business as usual."  Maybe 6-8 weeks.  4 weeks on the low end, and that's still not at 100%.

[windymama]

My DH was ok.  With our 2nd he'd just got a new job so he couldn't really help that much.  He took off the day DD was born but went to work the next day (even though he could have taken it off).  While we had some help from family it did end up being back to routine.  That said with every baby he gets more hands on.  I really noticed a difference between when we had our 1st and 2nd.

If I was in your situation I'd ask my DH to help out more.  I think it's a little unreasonable to expect things to go back to as before, you all have to figure out how it works with a new addition to the family.  Maybe he can take care of the older ones more?

[Marissamom]

I don't think it's fair to say that at a week postpartum you have to go back to doing everything you normally would be doing. you still need to be working back into things gradually. with my first both DF and I expected me to be back to normal a lot sooner than I was, and as a result I pushed myself too hard and prolonged my recovery period, as well as contributing to some PPD. this time I'm giving myself a proper recovery time. I'm not doing anything except take care of my babies for the first week, and after that I'm giving myself several more weeks before I'm doing everything I would normally do. even if that means we order pizza a lot and eat off paper plates. 

[Simonsez2u]

I can only say that after the arrival of our son the bond between my husband and I only got stronger.  He was wonderfully supportive and helpful and took great care of me and our DS.  He even helped me get our son to latch on while breastfeeding.  He never gave me a "time limit" to recover from my c-section, I just started doing things as I was able with no complaints from him.  He is still very much a partner on our journey as a family .

[CBEmomma]

DH is wonderful and helpful. After ds2 he let me be in the bedroom alone with him to bond and breastfeed. He helped the MW and my mom clean up things and get things ready for bed. The days following he was very helpful. He's a good daddy.

[sweeetpea]

Almost a complete waste.  Has no understanding of the physical and emotional recovery needs.

When DS1 was born, we came home from the hospital midday  DD was 2.5 yrs old, with her whole world changed, and needed a lot of reassurance and cuddling.  I was trying to establish breastfeeding with DS, and was tired anyway from birthing.  "D"H decided it was perfectly fine to go to his guitar class that night.  I wound up crying on the floor of DD's room, trying to read her a bedtime story while bf'ing the new baby, and had not had a decent meal all day.

When I was birthed DS2, I made sure my mom was here for as much time as possible, and then had my dad and stepmom for another week or so.  It made a huge difference to have someone around to take care of me. "D"H never even took a day off from work during that time - he used his paid paternity leave for a ski trip several months later.  

[Peony]

My DH is clueless, I end up fending for myself. With #1, he would do some things if I told him exactly what to do. I made him take off 2 weeks with DD2. He spent the entire time taking DD1 to movies, swimming, all over town. Somewhat nice but I was back at the house trying to find food and deal with a newborn. And DD1 being gone all the time did nothing to help her bond with this screaming newborn before he went back to work. With DS, he took 5 days off work, and for some reason I had the baby, and the very next day he decided he had to sell his jeep, he spend all those days dealing with that. He went back to work and I was fully 100% back on duty. I am not expecting much out of him this time for #4. If I want help, I am going to have to hire it. 

[texmati]

My dh was amazing... did everything for months; not just weeks. He took two weeks off, and did everything from helping me breastfeed, (and it really did take 3 people at the beginning) to helping me out of bed for every single nightwaking, to cooking, laundry etc.

This time he's taking 3 weeks off.

We are SA, and culturally women are exempt from housework, etc for 6 weeks after birth.

[texmati]

Originally Posted by mmaramba 

A week and a half is not enough time IMO for you to even MOSTLY be back to "business as usual."  Maybe 6-8 weeks.  4 weeks on the low end, and that's still not at 100%.

ITA with this. I think he should be doing the bulk of the work, especially if he's not working. Most people take longer to bounce back from the flu!

[Tumble Bumbles]

My dh was pretty good given it was our first and we both had pretty much no idea what we were doing lol However, like the poster I quoted, because my homebirth was so good and I felt *so* surprisingly good afterward (birth high and all) I really pushed myself too hard and I think that communicated to dh that I didn't *need* as much help as I actually needed. To be fair, I didn't even realize that myself until I was burned out and fell into PPD :(

That having been said though, we've worked through that all this time and he knows now that my 'type A' personality is one that doesn't stop and rest when I need to so he's got to really step in and take more of a commanding role in helping me rest/slow down and I am very confident he will.

One week is WAY TOO SOON to be back to 'business as usual' and I think your husband needs to really step it up a lot more.
 

Originally Posted by Marissamom 

DF and I expected me to be back to normal a lot sooner than I was, and as a result I pushed myself too hard and prolonged my recovery period, as well as contributing to some PPD. this time I'm giving myself a proper recovery time. I'm not doing anything except take care of my babies for the first week, and after that I'm giving myself several more weeks before I'm doing everything I would normally do. even if that means we order pizza a lot and eat off paper plates. 

 

[MegBoz]

I'm probably not a good one for comparison - my DH is incredible & pampers the heck out of me! He takes care of so many things, sometimes I feel guilty for being 'lazy'! I've been dreadfully ill this pregnancy, just awful, so he has practically been a single father caring for our 2 YO DS. He LOVES to cook, so even on days I want to do it, he'd rather do the cooking while I play with DS. He also kinda likes to clean (I told you he's incredible).

So I'm expecting just as much pampering when we have #2. We'll also have help from my Mom & MIL since they're both retired, which will be great - that way DS will get lots of attention too AND meals will be taken care of.

ETA - forgot that he also was more help to me with BFing than the LCs at the hospital. (no lie - they were dreadful!) He did some research online & went out & purchased me Medela "soft shells" and drove all over town to find a pharmacy that could fill a prescription for Dr. Newman's All Purpose Nipple Ointment. He had had zero exposure to BFing before, but his willingness to put effort into it made all the difference. (as opposed to LC's who just kept saying, "Sore nipples are due to a bad latch" with ZERO actual assistance like infuriating robots!)

[major_mama11]

DH waits on me completely for the first few weeks, even though he has always gone back to work after only 5-7 days out of necessity. So he waits on me in ADDITION to working a full day, and doesn't expect me to do anything but nursing, resting, and child care while he's at work.. Before he left for work, he would fix breakfast and fill up my water bottle and leave them by the nursing chair. After getting home from work, he would fix dinner and catch up on dishes and laundry and do baths. I did start some light housework a couple weeks out, but only because I wanted to, not because he was telling me I should.

If your husband is still on leave, he should not be expecting anything at all out of you. The whole point of paternity leave is to care for the mom while she recovers, not to be on vacation. Overdoing it, even 4 weeks out, can make your bleeding start right back up before you're fully healed. (Believe me, I felt fine 4 wks after my first, packed a couple boxes for a move, and ended up bleeding until 8 weeks as a result!

[cappuccinosmom]

My dh is grateful, admiring, etc.  He will bring food home, at times, and when he is home he helps me with the kids.

However, he cannot take a lot of time off work, so I am back to semi-normal within a few days, just keeping up with the basics.  Personally, I don't feel happy when I'm not doing that.  So that's probably why I don't feel resentful, as well as the knowledge that if I asked him to do something, or was incapable of doing it, he would take over.

[Agatha_Ann]

My DH probably falls right in the middle of the two extremes. I have had 4 C/S's and he is super concerned about my bleeding and recovery when we are in the hospital, asking 1000 questions (sometimes things I think, "why didn't you just ask *me* how I'm doing weirdo?"). Then when we get home he is very drill sargent-like about me resting and he gets angry if I try to do very much. Sounds great right? Well, the problem is that he doesn't pick up any of the slack! I do 100% of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc in our home...literally... 100%. So when I have a baby, it pretty much means NOTHING gets done! It gets pretty frustrating.

I do tons of freezer meals and our church is pretty insane about making sure that a new mama has a hot meal at her front door for the first 2 weeks so that helps a ton. My older two kids are also the greatest helpers to me and the little guys absolutely adore them. They will make meals and give baths...they are lifesavers! My mom is going to come stay with me for a couple weeks with this baby because DH will have to go back to work almost immediately after. His job is really flexible other than about 5 months out of the year, but this baby decided to break our november, december, and january baby pattern and will show up right when DH has no choice but to turn around and leave!

[lovingmommyhood]

My DH is amazing after I give birth. We have three older children and I expect he'll take care of them as he always has so I can get accustomed to a newborn again. NERVOUS but thankful I have such a helpful husband. He would never expect me to cook or clean at any time and has never once made a comment to me about the house of the kids except to tell me what a great mother I am. It's helpful not to have that stress on my shoulders. I love him.