With the information given about the situation, I think that, if I would be in
your shoes, I would probably decide to not let my ex-partner take my 3yo dd
to his country of origin for a 1 month holiday. At least, not yet, at a somewhat
later age I would be more open to it (!).
There are many fors and againsts I could come up with, many reasons I could
give to have her go there with her father, or not (yet), many things to consider
if you decide she could go. I can tell you that I do know Turkey, the country and
its people, through my personal experience.
However, the main reasons why I personally would (imagining myseşf in your
shoes, at this moment) decide against such a long trip (now/near future) are
not at all country or culture or law or travel related.
The pure fact that I would still be breastfeeding my child (and assuming a 3yo
still bf quite regularly/really needing this on a daily basis - me also extbf
experienced) would be reason enough for not having her go.
Also, age and or personality wise, I would look at my DD and how she is
generally coping with daily life and her exploration 'the world' (I mean her
immediate living environment and the people surrounding her and the way
she is around random people and different environments). And, in this
perspective how you think she would be doing on this trip and how you think
the people acompanying/surrounding her there (not being primary caretaker
as you are) would know how to best address her needs and possible fears
and frustrations. (As a note: my youngest DS at that age definitely had
seperation anxiety from one parent particularly (was pretty clingy and had
trouble with everyday goodbyes), was not very verbal yet and often frustrated/
angry/physical partly because of difficulty expressing his wants/needs/feelings,
partly because of personality and because of difficulty coping with changes/
sounds/environments/people/situations, and he had frequent enormous
outbursts that were very hard on himself and very hard to deal with as a parent,
etc.(...and such still ongoing to a certain extent now he's almost 5 - so I would
personally consider these factors for sure).
Another thing that would bug me: how about the possibility for dd to run of
and get lost? If your child is one of those that may run of (in the street,
in crowded areas,...) any minute or do anything reckless/dangerous (like
climbing on furniture/opening windows/balconies, etc.) and even succeeds to do
so in a flash of a second, how vigilant and experienced you even may be, are
you SURE that your ex-partner, and the relatives she will stay at are as vigilant/
knowing/careful (without being over-protective, just very alert) as you think a
parent/care-taker needs to be around your dd?
Since we're speaking about a month 24/24 childcare in a different situation.
Also, possibly the father may leave her once in a while in the care of his relatives
as he goes out to do errands or meet people? Even if he's the most attached and
caring father, most likely he won't take her along morning till evening every single
day when he's planning to go somewhere, and I would consider that such a situation
would at least once take place. So certainly something to discuss with the father if
the trip will become real. If for instance his parents would watch your child when he's
not home, would they be capable of childcare responsibility, are they young and
capable enough for that, are they willing to do so, and are they alert? Not trying to
offend anyone, I think you just need to get to know more details about such things
if you think about letting your daughter go on this trip, just being practical.
But so THESE are the main factors on which I would personally base such a
decision: the extbf, the personality/age of my child, the 'reckless child'-level
in combination with adult alert factor.
I very well understand the need for the father (and actually, dd) to visit his
other homeland and family, for him after so many years and for reason of
seeing his country, former home-town, friends, for missing the culture, the
language, the foods, the environment, for wanting to have his daughter get
to know all of this, their relatives, their culture, for family and friends to
get to see/know his daughter etc.
I do not think, age-wise, it is ever 'too early' to expose one to another
culture, and defnitely not to a culture that is also one's own through a
parent. I believe that the sooner a child gets emerged in this 'other'
culture that is also his/hers, the better, the more familiar it will be in the
years to come: familiar faces, foods, language, people, names, habits,
impressions, etc.
Depending on language exposure thus far, she might or might not experience
difficulties with switching language environment. If your husband has
consistently or at least regularly been speaking his language with her, I
would expect not much difficulty on that part, bilingual (multilingual)
children really have the ability to switch from one to the other, and even
if, at this early age, switching doesn't happen automatically or easy yet and it
is very normal too for mixing to occur, the only way a language can be learnedby
a child is by getting emerged in the language. Same for culture. And, even if she
wasn't exposed to the other language much thus far, still it is very enriching and
important for her to get in touch with it at an early age. If her father deems it
important to expose his daughter to his mothertongue and culture (and actually,
HER 'fathertongue' and culture), and definitely if he wishes to get her acquainted
with his family/culture/country, I would suggest he dues everything possible to
work on that in the country you both reside in (by consisently offering language
and culture experience to her through his parenting) And to especially work on
that if he is planning such a trip with his daughter in the (neatr) future.
I have no idea about culture shock in children this age but I am sure just a new
environment alone could affect a child deeply (I mean both positively or negatively),
even if it's just normal routines falling away all of a sudden and being replaced a whole
new experience. In this regard, I do not think that one month is too long, to the contrary.
I believe that for such a trip (which is not just a 'holiday'!) it is almost mandatory ;-).
And, in Turkish culture, it is very common to visit family abroad for at least a month,
or if possible 2 or 3 and to spend enough time with close relatives. Also, especially for
(young children, adjusting to new rhythms, habits, people, environment may already
take a week or so. And with a small child one is not as flexible to do many visits/errands/
trips in a relatively short period of time. I would say at least 3 weeks would be needed for
a good enough experience, especially with a language/cultural'bath' in mind!
On the other hand, may a child not be coping well during such a trip, which is a possibility,
a month may be/seem really long... but, you just cannot foresee anything and a lot of it is
not getting planned but just going with the flow. n this perspective I also stress the factor
personality of the child, and anyhow, a person may always surprise you, children surprise
you all the time...
Also, what is you personal experience with the ôther' culture, what do you
know, what did you live of it, what are your likes and dislikes of what you
know/ecperienced, did you ever visit this countrry, did you meet with your
ex's relatives, how do you think they might relate wih your dd, have they
already met your dd, have you seen them interact at all at one or more
occasions, etc. If your knowledge of this is pretty low, could you make work of it
to learn a bit more about this culture/country/these relatives so that you can better be
able to understand some of the experiences your daughter may have in life
through her father's culture?
I would also think it a good experience, if at all possible of course, to
once visit your ex-in laws together with your daughter for this purpose, or
at or at least try to go on holiday with your child(ren) in this country and
posibly combine this with a meeting with the relatives. However, this may be
pretty awkward having no personal relation/bond with this family anymore
unless through your daughter. But I do think this could be helpful for you,
and all three of your children since this culture is part of your youngest
daughter's life through her father.
Another thing, a teenager or young adult exploring a country that is also part
of his/her origin through a parent will have a very different experience I believe
from a child that had the possibility to (at least partly) absorb the other culture
from an early age on. It is not so obvious for a youngster to experience it as a
culture of its own but as something 'foreign' and may very well experience it
more as an outsider than an insider. I think it is good for the child to get to know
it as insider. Also, a (mother/father)language bath is very good especially before
the age of 6.
Pratically, where would your partner stay? Village, small town, large town,
countryside, house with patio/garden, small appartment, large
appartmentcomplex, recreation area in neighboorhood, busy road, suburban
area, near sea etc. There's a lot of variation in Turkey regarding housing
situations and conditions. The one may be more suitable for staying at with
a 3yo exploring child than the other. Certain 'safety precautions' or standards
people with young children take in some households, like no chemicals/knives/
fire within child's reach, careful around open windows and balcony doors, use
of carseats, electrical appliances, gas stoves and the like, may be very different
from what you would like your child to be around (especially if people around dd
are not used to a child at their home), or the level of vigilancy of caretakers
about these things may be very different from what you are comfortable with.
What about smoking in the home, sleeping in rooms where people have been
smoking? Often a living room is used as bedroom at night, so how are sleeping
arrangements? In Turkish culture it is very common for (young)children to sleep
next to their parents/in the same room/bed (which I think is a nice thing to do,
child feeling safe in new environment in this situation too!), definitely when
staying somwewhere as a guest. All depending on what you deem approprite/best
regarding your daughter's environment, these are things you should know about,
and try to discuss in advance with her father if you think it might be of concern, if
you have questions about it, if you are seriously considering about letting her go
there this year. I mean, don't be a controll-freak about it, lol, you can't controll all
these issues in someone else's hoısehold, obviously. However, she is your daughter
possibly going a way for a month to another cuklture/country with people you may
not know well or not at all, and your concerns as a mother and primary caretaker
are valid. So you must just be aware that one home is more child-friendly than another,
especially if the situation will take place where your daughter would be there without
you around to 'check this out' or watch her (as parents automatically do when visiting
other people's houses I think ;-), since you are the primary caretaker you probably
know best what works and will not work for her. (eg I would put knives and scissors
away for my ds would find those and cut furniture, blankets, hair, and who knows
what else if he could, ...)
Generally, I think it can be a wonderful experience for your DD, together
with her father, and his family, which does not mean it will all go fluently
and without difficulty.
I also think that at age 3 she is definitely old enough to have certain memories
from this trip, that she may absorb things by being emerged in them for a stretch
of time, maybe these won't be real clear memories as in remembering, but the
experience may make these things familiar to her in a certain way. Even smells
become young childhood memories, smells of people, food, environment!
I also understand the ordeal for his elderly mother to come visit by plane,
that really must not be easy for an elderly lady who may not speak or
understand another language than her own, possibly having not much
experience with other culture than her own, may be possibly unable to
read/write or use communication tools as mobile phone or internet, as many
people of the older generation is Turkey may have difficulty with, such a
long trip to another country is really not so obvious/evident, especially
on her own.
Also, is regular communication (through phone, picture, skype) between mother and
daughter possible/easy while being in Turkey for so long?
And, not in the least unimportant, I would definitely consider my daughters views
on such a trip. Yes, also when she is 3yo. After all, it's all about her and her life
experience, and the decision to go on such a trip is as much hers as her parents'.
So really really really I found it very interesting/powerful of you to post your question
and doubt, and I find it admirable for you wanting to consider this trip and be open to
it. I've seen many parents who would not have the other parent do what you at least
consider, or where one parent did not have the ability to show his/her culture/country/
family to his/her child. So I really addressed this issue from a family and culture
perspective in my post, however, not so much from a 'separatedparent' perspective,
but from a 'multi-cultural parent' perspective.
