this sucks - Page 2

[turtle2who]

My ex does not want to go to court because he has been through it before- with his divorce- and he was put through the wringer.  He was so angry and awful that he basically got nothing he wanted.  He had visitation with his kids EOW and wed evenings, alternate holidays, 2 weeks in summer. He paid $1000 child support for 2 kids and hid his income from his ex by working at a job where he got paid under the table.  Then he couldn't file taxes of course.  Then the guy he worked for sold him the business and he still didn't file taxes for years (which is why we never married.)

So not only has he had a bad experience with court and lawyers but yes- he has the tax problem.  The tax issue is known.  A year ago this month the IRS seized $10,000 from his business account right after he had made all of his deposits and was waiting for the checks to clear so he could pay his guys and us and bills. It took 6 months for us to recover and he didn't deposit much of anything to our joint account for months. After that he never got back to depositing into our account- he would just ask me to give him the bills and he'd pay them- or in most cases wouldn't pay them.  So unfortunately the only evidence I have in regards to deposits to our joint account on bank statements are from 2009 and earlier- but I have at least 2 years of regular deposits.  And there is other evidence if a judge cared to investigate- for example, he has 2 guys working for him that he pays around $45,000 a year- so he sure pays himself at least that much- right? He pays his son's college tuition out of pocket (since his son could not apply for financial aid since ex doesn't file taxes) which is $20,000 a year. 

When I did the child support calculator I used the $3500 a month figure he used to deposit into our joint account which only comes out to $42,000 a year.  He says if we go to court I'll get less because he'll give them the REAL numbers to figure it from. As if he makes less than $42,000 a year!  But he does have his gf living there now and can probably say she is paying half of everything. Ugh- it's all so complicated!

[MissLotus]

Stand by what you want, what you think is right for your son.  Your ex is full of it and will never take it to court, so he's just trying to bully you instead.  When he tries that, just call his bluff.  Don't show him that the idea of court makes you nervous, too - because really in this case I do think you'd come out better than you are now!  (And really - if he keeps harrassing you, GO to court so you're not always having to look over your shoulder.)  As for his "He says if we go to court I'll get less because he'll give them the REAL numbers to figure it from." - seriously, tell him, "Good.  If we go to court I'm sure they'd be happy to determine what your REAL income IS."  Because I do not doubt for a moment that he's selling you short.  I'd find it hard to believe that he's paying you "more" than he has to - probably much less.

[turtle2who]

I agree that he is most likely bluffing. And I do believe that he is giving me so much money just because he wants to stay out of court and doesn't want me to have any reason to take him to court.

I am tempted to agree with his crazy weekend schedule- one weekend with dad friday to monday, one full weekend with me and then split the next two weekends, then repeat.  I still do not think that staying over sunday night and going to school from dad's is best for ds.  I actually hate the idea and would only be agreeing because it would be ONE day a month and it would keep us out of court.

Will this come back to bite me?  If he decides to ask for even more and I say no and we end up in court anyway- will a judge say that since I agreed to it once a month, then every other weekend until monday is the new plan?  And what if he wants sleepovers on other weeknights?

The idea of all that scares me.  I feel like if we went to court now and he said he wants friday to monday every other weekend, and I say I like things the way they are- a compromise would be every other weekend fri to sun- right?  Ugh- i need to get a free consult with a lawyer, don't I?

[One_Girl]

I think that what you will get depends on where you live and how the judges see custody.  In many places if a man pushes for more custody he usually gets it even up to 50/50.  If he feels the need to take you to court he may put in for a lot more than he is saying he wants right now and he may get it.  He may get EOW and a night during the week, which may or may not be Monday, because that is considered a reasonable thing and there may be no compromising, it is a standard visitation schedule in many states (it may even be a minimum one in some).  My friend's ex dropped out of the picture for years and came back wanting 50/50, he got 30/70 which means he has the kids 3 days a week every week (he doesn't use those days though).  You never know what a judge might do.  He also may not get what he wants though, it really depends on the judge and what he asks for.  It is a gamble for both of you.  It sounds like he has reason to not want to go to court and you will probably be able to just call his bluff and dig in your heels without him doing anything except moaning about it. 

[Super~Single~Mama]

Yes, you need a consult with a lawyer.  Custody caries WIDELY from one state to the next.  Some states are EOW only states, some are EOW plus a weeknight, some are going to 50/50.  It completely depends on the state - judges don't like making decisions, so family matters are put off, and put off, and put off, and put off some more until the parties get tired of court date after court date after court date and just settle the matter.  Seriously - the person who holds out the longest gets what they want unless it actually goes to trial, and THEN a judge will hand down an order.  90% of custody cases settle out of court (and then are signed by a judge so that they are legally enforceable) and thats b/c the judges just drag everything out so damn long that people get sick of going to court.

But, before going to court and filing, you need to know what the "Standard" visitation plan is in your state.

[Goodmom2008]

Give them the "real" numbers?  Well, then he will have a whole lot of explaining to do as to where that $3,500 a month came from. 

Unfortunately, you have a kid with a guy who has a track record of not paying child support.  To the point that he will quit jobs.  And that child support that he didn't pay isn't going to go away.  And if he is still ordered to pay it, the amount that he pays to the first kids will be deducted from any income that you can prove he's making before your child support order is calculated. 

You really are better off figuring out how to get by without financial help from the father.  I am not saying don't get a child support order, but given his track record, you can't count on him paying it. 

FYI, his refusal to financially support the child can be used against him in court when it comes to custody.  And I would also ask the attorney when you consult with one if his history of refusing to financially support his previous kids can be used against him, as well. 

[MissLotus]

Don't agree to anything you're not comfortable with because, YES, it does set a precedent!

And if you've never yet spoken to a lawyer - yikes!  Get thee to a lawyer.  You can't do much without even knowing what your rights are!  (Oh and by the way, don't mention to the ex about the lawyer at this point.  But get informed before you agree to anything.)