I am a SAHM and student working (or trying to) on a PhD. My DH works 42-45 hours a week 4 days a week. Usually he has 2 days in a row and another single day off each week.
When he is at work I take care of almost the entire household (with the exception of taking out trash, some dishes, and some times cleaning the cat boxes). This is fine with me.
The problem is that I have asked for a bit of a break when he is home -- carry the baby a bit, maybe let me do some school work, play with babe, let me sleep in, get more comfortable bathing her, learn how to put her to sleep, etc., and generally I have no reprieve.
Yeah, he lets me sleep in a bit, but I only ask when she is up 7+ times a night (4-5 is normal and I can deal with it, but 7 or more, I just am a wreck). He also does some things around the house and will play with her, read to her, carry her, etc. but it is generally my job. I eat with her on my lap (or back, or hip). I cook with her on my hip or back. I do dishes with her on my back. Even when he is home, I barely ever can even go to the bathroom without her. But he just can't seem to parent and do other daily life things. And even when I remind him in the morning that I need him to try to take the lead in parenting that day, by lunch I am the one parenting (and cleaning, and cooking, and taking care of the cats, etc. etc. etc).
Part of the problem is that he gets horrible debilitating migraines and will often get them on down time, so some of the days I would like some help he is in bed with a migraine or a bad headache. Another part of the problem is that I am better at taking care of her (because I do it all the time), so he doesn't even want to try, or tries for a few minutes then gives up if she is crying or otherwise difficult (she is rarely any where near "difficult"). I am ok with him doing things his way. I am ok with her crying or being unhappy when he is learning how to do things and finding his daddy way of doing things. I don't swoop in and take over. And she is very happy being with him, as long as he doesn't bring her, say, to watch me while I am in the bathroom and can't get to me.
I thank him almost daily for working outside of the home and allowing me to be home with her. He thanks me almost daily for being home with her. We love each other very much and appreciate each other's different contributions that allow us to have this family.
I just don't know how to make him understand that I *really need some help*. I have framed it in so many ways, and I just don't get the help that I need. He is talking about wanting to have child #2, and although I flirt with the idea sometimes, I look at the help I have compared to the kind of parenting that I want to do and I just can't fathom it -- TTC is NOT on the table right now because of the lack of help.
I am up writing this right now because I couldn't get her to sleep in any of the ways I normally do tonight (I hurt my shoulder so I have tiger balm on my back, so I can't wear her on my back to get her to sleep, and it was too strong for her to nurse to sleep) and for the third time since she was a month old I asked him to try to get her to sleep. He, like the other two times, made a half hearted effort, then told me he has to get up in the AM and couldn't do it. I finally got her to sleep in a front carry and am writing this...
I am sorry this is so long. I am frustrated and don't know how to get what I need from my DH.
Do any other SAHPs have this problem? How did you solve it?