Children's father shared something private

[Jyotsna]

My ex told my children something very private and very true to my children, something that I wanted to tell them

when they were old enough to understand the details without misconstrueing the information.

I have finally calmed down about it, but I wonder where he will stop.  Will he continue telling the children things that I have told him when we were engaged or married?  Information that I would share with a soon to be husband.  Will he tell them other things, things I can't even think of right now, that will perhaps damage their perceptions about me?  Of course I know the answer to that.

He actually sat them down at the computer and searched the info on google, to prove it. 

When they got in the van with me, my other child who doesn't go with them, was screaming at them "Liar's, he made that up".

Anyway, it was private, the line was crossed, and this definately was not told to them to help them or make their life better.  It was told to them to hurt me, to break privacy, to let me know that he can do as he pleases.  My kids are 10, 10 and 14.  It would have been better for them to get this info when they were much older.

Felt like parental alienation.

Edited by Jyotsna - 1/11/11 at 9:09pm

[Momsteader]

Do you have a parenting plan? Written in many is not to 'disparage the co-parent'. If you do, I'd look it up, this would definitely violate that clause.

I would say something like this definitely applies. I would be very, very upset. Especially if it wasn't something age appropriate.

[MamitaM]

Oh no, I'm so sorry he told your kids that. I don't know what it is was, but it sounds like something serious you wanted to tell them when they were at an age it would better to share something like that with. That was very wrong of him to tell them before you were ready to tell and before they were old enough and ready to hear it and also when it really should have come from you. I hope you're kids do understand whatever it was about you that you did and that you're able to explain it to them.

[Jyotsna]

I was married before being married to their dad. That's it.  But it was something I had never thought to tell them at this age, and it was my story, my information to share.  It was not for him to tell the kids, when it didn't involve him.  That he went as far as to put them in front of the computer and go on the internet to look up the information and show the name of the ex, was bizarre.  It was horrible to have to look my son in the eyes and answer something, with him asking me, demanding to know from me, instead of me sitting the kids down one at a time, at the right age, to tell them.

[MeepyCat]

Jyotsna, I can understand why this bothers you.  I think the thing you might think about is, why is it bad for your kids to know that you were married before you married their dad?  People get divorced and remarried (or widowed and remarried) all the time.  It happens.

One way to counter the fact that your ex is likely to spill things to your kids is to treat your past matter of factly.  You didn't tell the kids about that marriage because it never came up - no kids, not in touch with that ex, not an issue in their lives.  They probably don't know how you got your first car, or where you went to elementary school, even though those things were really important to you at the time, and shaped the person you are now.  There will be a lot of things like that, things that they don't necessarily know about you, just because there was a big chunk of your life that happened before they were born, and a lot of things happened in that time, and they haven't all come up.  

When their dad tells them this stuff, tell them that they can call you and ask you about it, or talk to you about it later.  And if there's anything you would be really terrified to have him spill, consider telling them about it yourself, now.

[Momsteader]

Oh, it's just that you were married before!? That seems minor. I was thinking like compromising photos/prior job that wasn't so savory...something like that.  I'd still be upset he shared, but I'd think that would have been something that came up with the kids before this. MeepyCat has great ideas. Talk to the kids, ask them to come to you.

[doubledutch]

i'm sorry - i'm in a similar position (previously married, have kids only from second marriage).  they don't know about my first husband because why would they?  he's not in our life in any way.  and honestly, i have experienced that sort of shame in the past when a person from my "now life" would hear about it in passing and be all shocked - but the only reason it had that power was because it was a secret!  once it's out in the open, really who cares?  it's a mistake i made when i was very young, and it's long since over.

i'm not saying you don't have a right to be upset, and i'm sure your children are upset too, but mostly because they didn't know about it sooner.  it changes your story and their concept of who you are.  it doesn't make you less, it's just unsettling to find out something major about your parent when you thought you pretty much had them figured out. 

i will say i think it was really obnoxious of your ex to tell them that, because it really is your life to share with them, not his.  it's public information, and it's nothing to be ashamed of, but i get why there was never a reason to bring it up before, and if you still feel bad about it, then i can understand your desire to handle it more delicately.  i hope having this out in the open will help you heal your old wounds. 

[KalamazooMom]

When I was about 18 I discovered my Dad had been married years before he married my mom. I was helping my mother move and I saw a marriage certificate with my father's name and some woman I had never heard of before in a pile of old papers. I was stunned. And it made me have a ton of questions about my parents history that I had never had before. It was kind of a jolt I'll have to say.

But I agree with MeepyCat. I would treat this as matter of factly as possible with your kids. They are likely to have a lot of questions as well. Do your best to answer them without a lot of emotion.

I agree that this was a really ratty thing for your X to do. But honestly I don't know that there's much you can do about it. If you say anything to him he will just get confirmation of how much it bothered you. So I would just vent as much as you need to and then let it go. Sorry, I know that sucks.

[Jyotsna]

Thanks everyone. It is an old wound, that I have worked on and put behind me.  When my son asked and even demanded to know about it, I was completely off balance. 

I will explain everything to them, but I know it will always cause them to think there is a secret, one that could be bad, and they will always remember this.  My son was the one that brought it out to my dd2 who doesn't even go with son and dd1. Thanks for your comments on helping me process this.  It helped me tremedously, to think outside of my own emotions and talk to the kids plainly, which I will do after we finish moving.

[One_Girl]

I thought you were going to say you had done pornographic images or something like that.  Being married seems really small.  Was your first marriage a bad one or was the breakup hard?  If so then I think that telling the children that it was too painful to talk about would be a way to help them not blow it out of proportion and accuse you of other secrets.

[momof4peppers]

Oh the ways your x loves to torture you! Just when you think he's done trying to figure out how to control you, he comes up with this. I am SO SORRY you were upset by the sharing of information you thought you'd like to be able to be the one to tell your kids. But add me to the group that thinks meepycat has good suggestions.

Hang in there honey. Don't let this turkey get you down.

[Ceinwen]

I feel your pain.

My exh telling my eight year old that I knew I was gay the entire time I was married to him, and only used him to get pregnant (what he refers to as my 'evil lesbian agenda') was a huge obstacle I had to overcome. Was I dating and now living with a woman? Yes. Did that make any of what her father told her true? No.

These guys find lots of ways to make life continually interesting, don't they?

[Jyotsna]

Thank you mama's again for your thoughts.  I am fine now, and while I haven't sat the kids down to talk about it, I will do it.  We have moved all of our things into our house and will move in sometime this coming week.  Once the house is set, I can sit with them for a while and talk.  It will be good.