1st grade adjustment - how long?

[panda]

Hi, I haven't posted in a long time. My dd is 7 now, and started first grade last fall. She did half day kindergarten last year. I knew the switch to full day, at a new school, would be difficult, but it doesn't seem to be getting better. Everything at school seems pretty good, she likes the kids and her teacher. She sometimes complains that it's too loud, or challenging, but she's doing very well. She cries and gets down in the evening and usually in the morning too, saying the days are too long and she misses us too much (I'm home with her younger sister). It breaks my heart because I feel the same way inside, and I miss her too! 

Some of our friends homeschool, and I love many things about it. I haven't been sure that it's right for our family, and dh and I agree that we wanted to try public school first. Now we're almost 6 months in, and while many things are going right, the separation anxiety seems so intense. When we started, I told myself that things would be much better by the holidays or I'd "do something", like take her out and homeschool, at least for first grade. Dd has a pretty anxious personality. She seems to have good days at school, according to both her and her teacher. I'm sad that this dominates so much of the time we do have together as a family. As far as homeschooling, I'm not a very structured person, and her personality seems well-suited to the structure and routine she gets at school.

Has anyone else experienced a long, difficult adjustment to full day school? Any advice? Will it ever change, and am I awful for putting her through this for so long?

[meemee]

dd was like that at K. i had no choice. dd had to go to school. so what i did was take a day off once a week for a while. that really helped her adjust. 

the same happened in first grade. 

did you guys just get back from the holidays? give her a month. and then reassess. 

dd does NOT like school. she tolerates it. i am going to have to accept that that is what schoool is going to be like for dd. however the part she dislikes is the academics. she loves her friends and teachers and she DOES willingly go to school now - even if she did not enjoy the learning. at K she'd get into trouble all the time for talking too much. 

dd starts at 8 and is done by 2. anything more than that and i'd be changing school systems. 

[pianojazzgirl]

Dd is in grade one and had a lot of trouble adjusting (on the first day she had serious anxiety to the point of vomiting! ), but just at the very beginning of the year.  I'd say the first couple of weeks were really bad, the next couple of weeks were mostly ok but we were having daily long talks about all her little school-related anxieties, and then after that she was fine.  I think I'd be pretty worried if she was still unhappy this far along in the year.

Actually, now that I think about it your dd is going through an adjustment a little more like my dd went through in pre-K, though she was going from no school to full-day school (half days on Wed), and it did take her until Christmas time to really settle in.  I don't know if you can compare though, because dd was also learning in a 2nd language (one she didn't previously speak at all) and that played a very large role in her difficulty adjusting to school life.

It sounds like you are in a tough spot mama.  I like the pp's idea of at least sometimes giving her mental health days (or half days?).  Is there another school that has a shorter day that you might be interested in trying?  My dd has a schedule similar to the pp's dd (she's there from 8:30 till 2:15) and I really like that we still have close to 6 hrs to spend together after she gets home from school and before bed.

[jtbuko]

My DS also started 1st grade this year. We also know people who homeschool so he was very much aware of the alternative. After the first week he begged me to homeschool him so he could sleep in (I get that this is a much more minor reason than missing your mom). I explained that it might be an option if we gave public school a real try and it didn't work, but that switching to homeschooling was a big choice that would affect our whole family and that we were committed to trying public school for a whole year before we even discussed it. I explained reasons we decided on public school as well. Once the option to homeschool was officially off the table he more readily embraced adjusting (at least for now). I guess my point is that if she senses ambiguity on your part it might be harder to adjust. Does she know that you are considering homeschooling? And could that be reinforcing her separation anxiety? Just something to consider...

As far as the separation anxiety itself: Can you volunteer in the classroom once a week or so? Or visit at lunch? Maybe spending time with you in school (or just seeing you there) will make the space feel more familiar to her.

Good luck!!!

[fairejour]

I was wondering if she is reflecting mom's indifference as well. How is she supposed to feel like school is a good and happy thing if mom is always stressed and doesn't like her going?

[panda]

I came back to update this thread and realized there were posts here I missed. Thanks for reading and posting.

I do wonder if she senses my mixed feelings about school. I don't want to argue that homeschooling isn't a good option, or even isn't right for us. But I do stay very positive and encouraging about school. I did visit the classroom and it was a great experience. I'll try to go again. It was a great relief to me to see her so confident and happy at school, and the week after my visit she seemed calmer. It helps me put her sadness and anxiety in perspective, when I know she has good interactions with her teacher and friends. A lot of our school discussions are about how she doesn't want to go, so I started getting the impression from her that she was struggling, and that she didn't connect well with the other kids, but visiting the class made me feel like that's not the case.

So, she's still having a hard time, but we're more settled into at least finishing out the year. I wish the school day was shorter, or that I could pick her up at lunch - I feel like I'm only one around here who feels that way!

Thanks for sharing your insights and experiences.

Edited by panda - 3/3/11 at 12:17pm