Having a pity party, want to join in....

[Petie1104]

OK, so I've decide to throw myself a pity party.  What is wrong with me that I don't have "normal" children.....

I have a son with Developmental Coordination Disorder and OCD

I have a daughter with Asperger's and violent tendencies

I have a four year old who isn't dx'ed as anything but won't play with other kids, talk to anyone he hasn't spent a great deal of time with, and honestly, I'm worried about how he's going to do in school next year.

Basically, my kids are weird, which fits for our family, because dh and I are weird.  It's when we go out and other people meet them that their weirdness bugs me.  DH and I have learned to hide our weirdness, the kids seem to love standing out for being weird.

So, that is my pity party.  I feel defective right now.  I'll feel better another day, but today, I'm going to enjoy my pity party.

[Logan's Mom]

Cheers!  I'll join your pity party!!!  My son has a dx of PDD-NOS....can relate to the wanting the weirdness toned down outside the home. 

Your feeling defective....but I'm definately damaged! :)

[AnalogWife]

My DH and I are also weird so we feel very homey in our little bubble with our DS (3.5) with Autism.  Then we go to his SN preschool and everything is a-ok and cozy there.  And then, like you said, going out into the world can sometimes suck.  DH and I think DS is perfect and DH is very comfortable and proud of DS in any circumstance, but I'm the one who is very guarded with information and to whom/when to give it.  I absolutely despise DS getting judged by people I know---friends coworkers family---but the regular public I could give a damn, mostly.    I've all but run-off my entire family to protect my little happy bubble.  They are hurt, it hasn't been pretty and it's cost me some dignity and I'm not sure how long this will last or be healthy.  On the other hand, it could be the healthiest thing ever--the people who are now not talking to me are the people who have hurt me in my life and I don't need them further hurting me or my family.  But the guilt cycle is certainly there---these people have always controlled me with guilt, and still are, I don't know how to stop it.

I resent that the kids of my closest friends are perfectly typical, if not advanced.  DS's teachers are so helpful to our family, they are always telling me how smart DS is, THEY see it, but the common person/friend/grandparent hears his speech and checks him off as "fucked up."  *I'm* the college grad, *I'm* the neurotic but moderately cerebral one, *I'm* the one who is supposed to have the nerdy brainy artsy prep-school kid.  Not my goofy spacey friend S. whose child is 9 days older than mine and 9 million times more normal, how is this at all fair????  (God bless S., but sheez.)

The one thing that helps me keep it all together and in perspective-----I see these heartbreaking stories about infertile women, women who've never carried to term, mothers of children incredibly more disabled than mine---and I realize how lucky I am.  The anger of a heartbroken mother, pleading with others to never say "it's for the best" to someone after a miscarriage, that having any baby in your arms is better than none, then I'm reminded how fortunate I am to be this little guy's mom, and I am forever proud of him!!

[mommyonamission]

What is it to be "normal"?   Where does "normal" start and the autism spectrum begin?   My daughter has PDD-NOS and I have had so many pity parties, but I know that will not help her.  I know it will not help my family.  I can't break down and allow my emotions to control my life, and that will direct affect her development because she is extremely sensitive. 

I have had my issues with "weirdness" and probably would be on the autism spectrum.  I have always fought to make sense of this world due to my own deficits.  Again, feeling sorry isn't going to help my daughter or my family.  

I have been where you are; it was a cycle that went around and around.  I finally realized things would not improve if i continued that cycle.

Life is what we make it, working with it rather than against it.  When we resist life, we think life should be different, we should be different, but I can't imagine my daughter to be anything but what God gave me.  A true gift, my angel, my heart.

[Petie1104]

Originally Posted by mommyonamission 

What is it to be "normal"?   Where does "normal" start and the autism spectrum begin?   My daughter has PDD-NOS and I have had so many pity parties, but I know that will not help her.  I know it will not help my family.  I can't break down and allow my emotions to control my life, and that will direct affect her development because she is extremely sensitive. 

I have had my issues with "weirdness" and probably would be on the autism spectrum.  I have always fought to make sense of this world due to my own deficits.  Again, feeling sorry isn't going to help my daughter or my family.  

I have been where you are; it was a cycle that went around and around.  I finally realized things would not improve if i continued that cycle.

Life is what we make it, working with it rather than against it.  When we resist life, we think life should be different, we should be different, but I can't imagine my daughter to be anything but what God gave me.  A true gift, my angel, my heart.

I'm glad you're optimistic.  Unfortunately, I don't work that way.  If I don't allow myself to really feel the emotions that are building, then I become tense and a pain to live with.  If I give myself a time to feel sorry for myself, or angry, or frustrated, then those emotions don't build to intolerable levels.  I wish I could just never need to feel depressed.  Don't get me wrong, I'm an optimist 90% of the time.  But I have to have that 10% to just feel whatever I happen to be feeling.

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

I've been there! I know that when ds1 was really having severe issues and tantruming at an age where tantrums just were not the norm, that I'd often feel embarrassed and depressed. I think at whole lot of that is because people then don't see the wonderful kid that I do. Then you hurt for your child. And I also know that I wonder sometimes if I had just done this differently or that differently....

But, then you have a day where you can really see your child shine in their own particular way, and you realize that the most important thing in their lives is the infinite love you have for them. And the sky brightens and you smile and you laugh at some of the crazy things that they do.

But I'm a lot like you. I need to talk things out and feel the feelings and move through them to come out the other side. I usually come out the other side feeling so much better and having worked out some important things in my head.

I also think it's important for our kids to understand that, yes, even mommies and daddies feel sad sometimes, and that's OK. It will pass and things will get better..

[beachcomber]

Well, as the parent of a SN child and an NT child, I certainly feel pain when I see my typical DS doing things at 19 months that his 5 year old sister still struggles with. I see so many things in him that I didn't see in her and now realize were deficits. So many times I wonder if I should have been more proactive sooner, noticed earlier, etc.

The only thing I can offer you is the fact that as parents of SN kids we are going to cycle through the grief around our child's diagnosis many times as we help them grow to adulthood. They will face things, and so will we, that other families won't have to deal with. Over and over again. We'll all have our moments of railing at the sky and wishing our family or child wasn't affected this way.

But we'll survive it, and we'll move on a bit stronger than the last time we had to sit down and take a moment to let the grief out. Ultimately that's all we can do. Move on stronger in the knowledge that our children were lucky enough to be born to parents like us who really care, are deeply committed to helping them and will advocate for them no matter how steep the uphill battle may be. They have us and always will.

[Linda on the move]

These feelings come and go for me, largely depending on how my DD (14 years old with Asperger's) is doing. All of last school year was horrid. Nothing worked (she was dx'ed with both depression and anxiety last year), and I was a bit of a basket case because of it. I felt like introducing myself as "the mom of the weird kid." I mostly dealt with it by eating brownies and only being friends with women who either have a sn child or no kids (which I didn't even notice until my therapist pointed out.)

This year she's in a new school and everything is wonderful and she's relaxed, so I'm relaxed. I'm back to practicing and teaching yoga, and my life is wonderful.

But in a way it feels sort of fake because I'm not sure that I could keep my center if things really feel apart for her again. It's just too heartbreaking.

<<I'm an optimist 90% of the time.  But I have to have that 10% to just feel whatever I happen to be feeling.>>

I can totally relate to this. Raising a special needs child is tough. And sometimes it really gets to me.  Much of the time I can find that quiet place inside me and feel peace, heck, I teach OTHER people how to find the quiet place inside them!

But sometimes, watching my child struggle and be overwhelmed really, really gets to me.