I need moral support -- toxic mom issue

[Marsupialmom]

When my first child was 3, my husband and I decided my mother would not have any more unsupervised visits with our kids ever.  Through the years things have happened that has changed our reason but it still holds true.  My dh or I have to be their for visits.  

About 5 years ago (my children at the time being 5, 7, and 10) offer to take 2, just 2, of my children to Disney World.  She tried to claim my youngest would no have remembered it.  She wanted it to be a trip that the kids would always remembered.  I can understand that, but we would not choose between children.  The single child left behind would have felt left our and, IMO, hurt.  My nephew is a few months older than my youngest.  We suggested she take my oldest and then him.  Again she claims a 5 year old wouldn't remember Disney.  We told her we would not allow a trip.  If the younger one was 2 or 3 yes - maybe...but at 5 the emotional impact to much.  We did offer waiting a year so we could save up money to go and take all 3 kids, that was not an option.  She just wanted 2 kids because that is what she felt she could handled.  At the end of the day, one kid could ride her motorized wheel chair and her dh could carry the lighter one if need be.  

We never told our children this situation.   

My mom has taken my two nieces to Disney.  We have not had a lot of contact but my oldest daughter now has one of these nieces as a Facebook friend.  Her trip with grandma to Disney was mentioned.  

This morning, my daughter asked why her grandma has never taken her to Disney.  It was 715 and she leaves at 725, so there was no time to talk about it :(  I just told her when she gets home we will talk, because the situation was complicated.  She is not dumb and I think she figured out we said no....I think she will understand the reasoning.  But it is going to hurt :-( 

I am dreading her coming home, because we are going to talk over the situation with all the kids.  They did have an opportunity to go, but we said no.  We just could not choose between the kids, there were other smaller reasons, but the main one was one child would have gotten hurt.  At those ages, with their personalities, only heartache would have happen.

I just need a cyber hug.

I spent the morning text messaging my husband and discussing everything.  

We knew this would come about some day....but we were not looking forward to it.  

[mamalisa]

At their ages now, I think they will absolutely understand why you made the choice you did.  If nothing else, the great thing about kids is they are usually hell bent on life being "fair".  I would have made the same choice you did.

[gbailey]

You made the right decision and your kiddos will understand. Hugs mama.

[ChristyMarie]

I think she's old enough to understand why.  A simple, grandma couldn't take all of you and we didn't think it was fair to leave someone behind.  Kids get why exclusion is bad.  Just keep it simple and answer any questions.  But don't over-explain on your own - follow her lead.

(((Cyber Hug)))

[dakotablue]

Originally Posted by ChristyMarie 

I think she's old enough to understand why.  A simple, grandma couldn't take all of you and we didn't think it was fair to leave someone behind.  Kids get why exclusion is bad.  Just keep it simple and answer any questions.  But don't over-explain on your own - follow her lead.

(((Cyber Hug)))

Yeah I wouldn't highlight the she wanted only to take two as much as she could only take two....

[limabean]

I think she will understand. 

I'm confused about something though -- if your DH and you have a rule that one of you has to be present whenever she's with the kids, then they couldn't have gone to Disney World alone with her even if she were willing to take all 3, right? 

[Marsupialmom]

Limabean,

We did discuss bending the rule. Disney really is an opportunity we cannot afford.  My dh was going to get a second job to save up so we could go with them.  It was going to be a strain. 

But it was one part of the issue and decision making. With 2 kids they have each other. Then that would have left 1 with their cousin they don't see often. It is easier to cope when you have something familiar and siblings could "stick together" to tough it out or complain in unison.

My mom did and has stated kids should not be able to "just call" when ever they want. It causes to many problems and makes them sad. Growing up my parents would go on TDY's and we would not hear from them for a month or two at a time. Because after calls we were always more difficult. So not calling is better (easier for the adults not to have to deal). She talks poorly of a friend that sent her 5-year-old to grandmas with a cell phone.

My mom and her husband go to Disney with a strict time plan to see the parades and we worried about them being flexible because at that point in time, my kids were not parade watchers.  They had been in more than they watched -- they still think doing is better than watching them.  

We had talks about my mom not getting my daughter's dietary needs.  She has reflux.  So sometimes she eats bland but other times not.  It can seem very whimisical but after a few years, we get it.  Sometimes she will eat a little then eat more 30 minutes later when her stomach has settled.  This unnerves my mom to no end.  My dd has learned to self regulate over the years she doesn't eat sweets or chocolates because they trigger reflux attacks. At that age, well even now, we have order stuff and she has not be able to eat it because of reflux.  At that time, my mom would not have ordered a new meal.  Many things my daughter can do seems wasteful. But she is ok saving the meal for later or letting someone else eat it.  

We have never told her the rule, but we have always arranged for it.  

As for saying couldn't that is not an option.  My kids know that grandma is at the income level that couldn't be wasn't an issue.  Mention the walking and caring tired children won't work either -- but it does bring up a point on how I should word things first.  I do think we should say couldn't before wouldn't first.  Let them ask why.  

[limabean]

Originally Posted by Marsupialmom 
As for saying couldn't that is not an option.  My kids know that grandma is at the income level that couldn't be wasn't an issue.  Mention the walking and caring tired children won't work either -- but it does bring up a point on how I should word things first.  I do think we should say couldn't before wouldn't first.  Let them ask why.  

"Couldn't" doesn't have to just mean financially. It sounds like your parents felt that they could only handle 2 children on their own, in terms of stamina, attention, or whatever their other reasons were. If you launch into a huge litany when your DD asks about it again, it could shine a brighter light on the situation than it really merits. I would explain it matter-of-factly with short, nonemotional statements and just focus on the fact that you and DH made the decision you were comfortable with at the time, and that you're still comfortable with your decision, although you understand that it's disappointing to have not been able to go. 

[RiverTam]

Kids whoever never been to Disney don't get the whole Disney thing. It's parents and grandparents that have a deep emotional investment in a Disney vacation. (And I say that as a Disney fan, who has been many times.)

I would guess that her concern is fairness. Her cousins got to go and she didn't. Her concern is that Grandma loves the cousins more than she loves your kids. 

A simple explanation that Grandma only likes to take 2 kids at a time and you didn't think it was fair to leave one kid home should be plenty. She just needs to know that her Grandma offered and that her Grandma loves her as much as she loves the other kids.