I have three stepdaughters (aged 9, 13, and 16). Their dad and I have a new daughter together along with my 9 yr old son from a previous marriage. Quite the blended family. His girls visit us every other weekend.
16 yr old SD has always been resentful and bitter of me. While her dad and I dated she did everything she could to break us up. We really thought she'd settle with time. We've been married just short of 2 years.
Dh was single for 7 years before me and dedicated all his time and energy to his girls. He was the fun single dad and doted on their every need and want. Once we got married however he buckled down into more of the grounded family man. SD accuses me of not letting dh have fun anymore which is not true as we have lots of fun, it's just more in a family way. It doesn't help that during those 7 years dh treated her more as a wife than a daughter which I could write about the effects of that for hours.
Anyway, it's been a strained two years when she visits. She's worse than ever, convinced she'll break us up. I'm sure to her it appears that I'm trying to steal her dad away. I've tried to be patient but I'm losing it here. She's done so much damage. She's stolen my car (without a license), defaced my home, slandered me to my family and the newest things is threatening my life on facebook. When I read that she wanted to slit my throat I composed a neutral kind email as a sort of peace offering which she retaliated with all the nasty vile bitter thoughts she has of me and why she thought I was bad for her father. So writing her doesn't work.
I gave up long ago on asking dh to help me with her. In his eyes she's perfect and a victim of family difficulties with her mom. And somehow any conversation I try and have with him he'll push all the blame onto me. He just tells me to be patient with her but it's so hard with how intense she gets.
It's hard to love her. I do adore her sisters. However, I do dread her coming over and I breathe a sigh of relief when she goes back to her moms.
I do want to add an admission that for the first year I acted childish. I was jealous of my husbands attention to her and not me. He'd go to her when we were fighting and tell her everything and lean on her for support. They had a secret language so they could communicate about me when she felt the need to vent. She'd grin at me any time her father hugged her. I played into all that and the bitterness and anger got into my heart. I slapped him once and she knows about it and made sure to broadcast it to the world. Its taken a lot of restraint, prayers and work to not let her get to me and it's getting better in my heart. But her relationship with me is worse than ever. My relationship with my husband is slightly better now that I'm trying to be more patient.
I'm sorry this is so long. Any advice would be great. Thanks so much!