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Would you want a daily helper, if you could?

post #1 of 23
Thread Starter 

Just a thought


Right now I use the most amazing mothers helper. She's like an angel seriously - we get along so well and can sit and chat over tea/while I am homeschooling and she is just basically a second hand when she's here. She hangs out with the babe while I spend one on one time with DD, she is in tune with AP parenting, homeschooling, and some of the more nature inspired/Waldorf things we do, and it's just so nice to have that extra set of hands. I can run to the store, take DD out for ice cream, go play in the snow and leave the baby inside. It's like having...a wife! 


My DH asked why I don't hire her "full time" or for more hours than just a few and I couldn't justify it. A part of me was like "what a silly expense, I can do this all myself.." but than I think, why the heck not? Why do I feel guilty for wanting to raise my child in a village of support, even if I have to well..PAY my village. 


So I guess my question is: if you could afford to, would you want a "wife" I say that (and not in an un-feminist way, just being silly!) as someone who can parent alongside you, help out with chores, cooking, and child care. Allow you time to take a hot shower or read if you wanted a break during the day? 


post #2 of 23

I once read that for hamsters to mate that the female hamster had to placed into another cage, that if you introduced someone else into her lair that she would freak out.  I sympathized, I just can't stand people in my house, DS was in Early Intervention and I despised every moment of it.  They kept going on about what a luxury it was to have the EI therapist come into homes, and I was counting the seconds until he aged out of the program and could go to preschool.  I'm also saddled with way too much Catholic guilt to hire a wife for my kid/s. 


However, I only have one child, I have a teeny tiny house, I am anti-social, all those good things.  I would hire someone to help clean once a week but DH thinks that's the biggest waste of money (???).....but he's better at cleaning than I am, so.


I was leery of The Village until DS went into preschool.  I was fully intending to homeschool but plans changed once it came about that DS is special needs (autism, developmental delays) and it was obvious that I couldn't do it all on my own, I needed bonafide help.  I do not feel guilty for this, and I do not think anyone should feel guilty for accessing services from The Village.  You obviously enjoy what this woman provides, your DH is supportive, she's in tune with your family, it's win/win.  For me it would be mentally unhealthy for everyone involved, so I wouldn't do it outside the confines of a mansion or superhouse, and probably not even then.

post #3 of 23

no. I could have a maid, or even someone who we agree will do childcare, or all the cooking, but not an all purpose live in helper. I've seen people like that in india (and even here in the US) and it's a very odd dynamic. Too much 'hand that rocks the cradle' for me.


I stayed with a family who had one of those when my son was about 10 mos. She was constantly suggesting food, asking to take my son when he cried etc. My head was about to explode when I realized she was just doing her job.


I also had a live in MIL and that didn't work out well either. I do believe in the village, and I would (and do) hire someone with defined responsibilities to do child care etc.


Maybe I'm just super insecure, though.

post #4 of 23

i don't know. i have gotten into a groove myself and it seems it would feel weird to me to have someone in the house sorta hanging out to do what i am doing. lol 

BUT if it is working for you then keep doing it.

i just enjoy doing all this stuff (ok most of the time i enjoy it.lol there are those days) so hmmmm. maybe it would feel like i was being replaced in a way. i don't know. something i think i would need to think about... those feelings of insecurity on my part. i mean if i am home and can't do my own stuff... and i have to pay someone to do it, then why am i home at all? maybe i should be out working. that is all TOTALLY ME! just got me thinking.



post #5 of 23

I've found that decisions made out of fear are usually bad ones, and I think that guilt often has fear at the root of it. So, whatever you decide, try to ditch the guilt. (Which is really hard, I know).


As for me, I would have totally gone for this arrangement when both my kids were four and under.The daily help and community would have been good for all of us. Now that they're 6 and 4 I don't need the daily help. However, there are still many times that I need an extra hand, and if I can get the help, I use it.


So,,,,,,,if it feels right, go for it.

post #6 of 23

I say if you have the money and you want to, then go for it. Sometimes some extra help does allow us to be a better mother. I am seriously considering finding someone to help out after #4 is born. 

post #7 of 23

Mmm probably not. I think I do alright. Granted I only have one kid so far but. I take pride in being able to do everything myself. Not in a cocky way but just a satisfied feelign.

post #8 of 23

Yes, yes, yes!  I would be all over it, and so deeply wish we had the change for something like that.  Sure, I am handling it ok, but every afternoon I'm tired of laundry washing-dishwashing-babysitting and would love to be able to work in my yard a bit, read a book, run to the store, etc.


You are lucky girl, I say take advantage of the help.

post #9 of 23

Yep, sure would!

post #10 of 23

i would love a wet nurse for night!  the day shift i can mostly handle.

post #11 of 23

mother's helper? probably not, but I would hire a housekeeper to come once a week. That would be divine! However, I only have one child right now, but DH is gone all the time, and come may when #2 is born, I may just have to hire that housekeeper. We'll see. I'd have to be pretty much at my wits end to resort to that though. A daily helper though? I don't know..maybe if I already knew the person fairly well it'd be okay, but to hire someone I don't know..I don't think I could do it. That being said, I was a nanny for a family for 2 years..I swept the floor, did the kids laundry and took the kids on outings, and the mom grew close to me and I to her, so becoming friends/trusting a helper is not impossible, but It would take me awhile I think.

post #12 of 23

Part of me feels like I would want that, but the other part thinks:

I would want alone time when I wanted it. Even when the kids are all around, it is still just us, KWIM?

I wouldn't want to feel like I was paying for a companion, or having my children become attached to someone that way

I take pride in knowing I made it through the day and was a great mom, wife............

There are times I would love to have a personal assistant (that's basically what you are describing), but what would she do ALL day?

If I were in school or working from home- then heck yeah!

There is plenty of stuff to do around here and it's always overflowing, but I really wouldn't be good at delegating that kind of stuff anyway, and I certainly wouldn't want someone to mother my children more than I.

Hey, there are days I am pretty crappy at everything and those are the days I WISH I could have someone on call.

I understand that's not really an option for someone that would rely on a steady thing though.


What are the hours she has now?

Maybe more time would be good, but not ALL the time?

What if she had to leave or get another job? It's not like an aunt or cousin that will always be around. I think of the children becoming too attached.

Rambled and didn't edit- sorry.

post #13 of 23
Thread Starter 

The concerns everyone brought up would be mine -- I just think that having someone around all the time would be weird. I love when it's me and the kiddos, even if it's stressful! I think that DH and I have been fighting a lot (I've posted about this before, he's very introverted and works like 20 hrs a day sometimes from home) about balance and parenting responsibilities and this is his attempt to make my life easier. I also think he doesn't understand that I feel so damn proud when I take care of a 6 month old, do 398 art projects with a 3 year old and manage um one load of dishes ; ) 


I do like the idea of having someone help me with HOUSE stuff (animals etc) because I get overwhelmed. New babe that doesn't like to sleep anymore + 3 year old + 2 dogs + 2 cats + regular stuff just gets overwhelming. Although I know some mommas have like a homestead practically, I don't know how they do it! And one day I'd love to do that! 

post #14 of 23

Heck yes.  My mother's helper just moved away, and I am so sad.  I loved having the extra hands for a few hours - it let me get my cooking fix on so that later I could focus on DD.  Also, I think she (our helper) enjoyed learning about cloth diapers, gardening, cooking, compassionate baby care, etc.  (Or at least she pretended to :)


post #15 of 23
I think it wouldn't work for me. I would have appreciated it, in the first year after my twins were born, when I had three kids under three. Those were desperate times, for me. But not full-time, not even then-- maybe a few hours in the morning or afternoon. And not now that the kids aren't infants anymore, not at all. I am a very solitary person. I am very touchy about my personal space and belongings, and NEED long hours without other adults around. That's why staying at home with the kids suits me so well. Even having DH home for too many days in a row can make me crazy.

But I think there's nothing at all wrong with it, if you find yourself compatible with this person, and enjoy the help, and can afford it without making serious financial sacrifices.
post #16 of 23

When I was at home, I would have loved someone to share the days with. Another mother with kiddoes would have been great... talk about missing your village...

post #17 of 23

I would love to have somebody come over for just a few hours a day.  I think I would mostly use them for household stuff, rather than childcare, but sometimes it would be nice to have the childcare too.

post #18 of 23

definitely, not full time though

post #19 of 23

with dd i didn't have anything like that, when ds was born, MIL came to the USA and lived with us. at times it was hard because i do like my space and peace and quiet. but i wouldn't trade the time she spent with us at all. my kids got so close to her and we have a ton of special memories. we also developed a relationship even though she didn't speak any english orngbiggrin.gif coming from a small village and having that when she was a mom, she totally knew what to do to support me without crossing the line and trying to take over. i am counting down the days until she comes back, honestly she is great company when the kids were napping and dh was working long hours. it also made it easy for me to sneak out and go to the store alone every once in awhile. so i say YES to the village. (this coming from a person who likes space and is a control freak LOL)


eta this time we aren't living together (told you i like my own space) but she will be in walking distance jumpers.gif

post #20 of 23

Yes, I would love that.  I'm an aspiring SAHM.  When I was on maternity leave, my MIL came over every day.  She takes care of the kids when I am at work, and after the baby came, she kept coming over.  It was nice to have another pair of hands, to be able to nap, to have someone to entertain my son.  I also just needed company sometimes.

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