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I am losing it w/ my 4 y.o. Please help!

586 views 4 replies 5 participants last post by  elisheva 
#1 ·
My 4 y.o. daughter has been awful lately. Defiant, unkind, complaining, and at her worst, spitting at us. She went from a fairly well behaved child to a complete brat. I almost can't take her anywhere anymore. We had a horrible incident today while at a library activity. Then we came home and I was so frazzled from dealing with her and her younger brother who desperately needed but would not take a nap. I just wanted quiet time. I asked the 4 and 6 year olds to find something quiet to do, gave them each a couple of choices, they just could not settle down. Sent them down to the basement to run around and get their wiggles out. They came back up and started jumping on the couch and shrieking. Warned them to stop and they did but then started again. And again.

I lost it. Screamed at them, sent them to their rooms, then slammed and broke one of our kitchen drawers. I have been trying not to scream at them but it builds and builds and then I just feel like I cannot deal with them anymore. I am sure they think their mother is a raving lunatic. I feel terrible. I fell like I am not being a good parent. I don't know why I am yelling like this, it is not my usual thing.

I don't know what do do. I've tried counting to ten or 20 or 30 but I don't always remember to do this in the moment. I know they are kids, just being kids, their behavior is not a personal thing against me but I just cannot stand repeating myself over and over and over again and still not listening and then outright defiance from my daughter.

Have to run, baby waking up. I just feel awful and don't know what to do.
 
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#3 ·
Is she getting enough sleep? Are you being consistent with expectations and consequences? my son is also 4 and we'll sometimes get in a bad zone. I just have to take a deep breath and go back to basics. Reminders before we leave the house. Clear consequences when those reminders aren't heeded (DS is particularly motivated by canceling plans. Basically "If you have a fit when it's time to leave ____ then I'm not going to want to take you to ___ in case you do the same thing".
 
#4 ·
I suggest reading Positive Discipline for Preschoolers. Great book for practical applications. Remember to always give them choices: "Either you stop jumping on the sofa, or I'm going to go to my room to cool off, and locking the door behind me. One. Two. Three. OK, you're still jumping -- I'm outta here."

Remember, you can't make them do anything. You can only make the consequences dire enough that they choose to change their behavior.
 
#5 ·
Ooh, ooh!!! My 4 y.o. started spitting too!! Sheesh. I've noticed that these things seem to move in phases and are not necessarily dependent on whether or not you've been consistent, so don't guilt yourself, mama.

I *do* find that I get more cooperation (not 100% though close on some days) when I connect with ds1 before I correct. I try to spend some time each morning just chatting and cuddling with him - kinda cements the partnership for the day though I find that some days I need to reconnect often especially if I've been distracted (we just found out my grandma has terminal cancer so I haven't been 100% emotionally available this week and I've noticed it big-time in my kids' behaviour).

Gordon Neufeld's Hold On To Your Kids is FANTASTIC. It's the only parenting book for me that has gone the distance (and I've read a few).

Edited to add: I forgot to mention that, for some kids, physical play is very important. I play rough with them (i.e. yesterday I was the Smacking Monster for a few minutes on the floor and whoever came near me got lightly pummeled with smacks). They loved it. It got my aggressive tendencies out in a positive way and lightened the mood for all of us.
 
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