I have not had a full-term pregnancy since DS was born almost 7 years ago. I have since had a first trimester m/c at home, this would be the last incident that I would consider "normal" as far as pregnancies go.
March '09 I had an induction termination at 18 weeks for a major subchorionic(sp) hematoma. I had bled out, should have died then- didn't. Bottom line to me now is I didn't trust the Lord and let fear in. But have been able to learn and grow from it.
Oct. '09 I was 17 weeks preg when my water broke. I did NOT let fear in that time and chose to keep my child in me. He stayed for 10 more weeks. These 10 weeks I was in and out of the hosp and signed out AMA bc I HATE the hosp. Apparently I had a placental abruption(I had been bleeding for a few weeks), they had to manually scrape pieces of my placenta out. My son was born perfect, praise God! He was a miracle. After 75 days in the NICU we finally took him home. 10 days later SIDS took our sweet miracle. Nonetheless, God was/is faithful and so good to me. In my heart I know why said things have happened.
Now I am 26w pregnant being seen at the high-risk clinic, I decline almost everything and with this new rotation of drs it's a nightmare. Yesterday I was told "If you don't let us TAKE CARE of YOU perhaps you should go elsewhere," bc I declined pretty much everything they wanted to do that day(EWWWWWW). I only go there bc I did not want to get my care through the naval hosp, and if, God forbid, I had another preemie I was familiar with the nurses and facility. There is also a dr I LOVE who would be able to be the dr at the delivery.
I haven't been able to envision myself having this baby at a hospital at all. I can see myself leaning while on the bed at the hosp, but that is IT. I feel weary and very much dreading the hospital. Even though my plan has been to wait until the very last minute to leave the house, I see myself giving birth at the front door before we walk out. So much so that while interviewing a doula I told her that I may stay home too long and "oops" so if this make you uncomfortable please let me know now. DH is deployed and when I mentioned a doula to him he was offended, etc. Then when I told him we could just have the baby at home him and I he was MUCH more inclined to that idea, go figure. I can see myself on our bed, squatting- leaning on DH while giving birth to her and it feels so perfect, tearfully perfect.
So now at this point, instead of "oopsing" I'm rly feeling like I should prepare to UC. I know I need to pray and seek the Lord about it more. Although, already when worries or what ifs come in- I just thing my God is greater than any person and as Christ was and what he did so can I. Mary did not have a m/w or dr, she had God and Joseph and that's all she needed. And she gave birth KNOWING they where killing babies so Christ would not live.
Are feelings such as these what you ladies have experienced?