How to get over money mistakes....

[texmati]

*sigh*.... I'm sure so many of you saw it coming, but it looks like that loan to dh's uncle is not going to come back into our bank account. We are fine, but I feel sick, I mean hands shaking, crying, sick about it.

I *knew* it wasn't a good idea, but I felt so pressured. Financially we are ok without it, but I still can't get over that I hurt my family this way. This money is equal to months and months of us working and saving, and I basically just let someone throw it in the trash. How could I be so weak and stupid!

[LifewithSage]

I'm really sorry... what a difficult lesson to learn... However, that's exactly what it is, a lesson.  We all make mistakes with our money and we all want to believe that our family has honest intentions and we all want to believe that everyone abides by the golden rule.  It was very kind of you to help family.  There are some people that will never know that kindness and hopefully, at some point, even if you aren't repaid in money you are repaid with good kharma.  I'm sorry though... I would feel pretty irritated myself.

[texmati]

Thanks for your gentle response. I don't really have a generous heart but dh does. It makes me angry sometimes because he's able to forgive or have faith much faster. Then I feel crappy for being so cheap.

[VisionaryMom]

When it comes to money, I live by the principle that "when I knew better, I did better." I've made some really, really stupid financial mistakes, and I try to use all of them as a lesson.

As for family, we try to stick by the idea that it's a loan. If it comes back, then that's great, but we're not expecting it to. I'm generous with some things, not with others, and I know that my own personal issues & biases come into play. 

[bodhitree]

Honestly, the best way I've found to get over money mistakes is just to resolve to do better in the future and then try to move on. I must have missed your other posts about this, but from what you said here, I can imagine it would have been hard to be the one who wanted to say no to a loan to a family member when you were getting a lot of pressure from others. I can completely understand why you gave in. That's a tough situation, and you did your best with it, and if something similar comes up again, you can say, "Let's not do this again--remember what happened last time?"

So maybe every time you find yourself dwelling on this, you could try refocusing on something that you can actually do something about? Like how your savings are starting to go up again, or your latest smart budgeting strategy, or how much money you saved at the grocery store last week?

[GuildJenn]

My DH is the yes, give person and I'm the no, let's not get into that person. So I totally get that.

In the past we supported a family member for a while and I then did regret it. I had to let myself be angry (quietly) for a bit. But we recovered from it and when the next ask came in, we said no. Sometimes you find your boundaries by tripping over them.

[velochic]

It will take time to get over the hurt and the "kicking yourself".  I missed the other thread, too, so I can only assume like the pp what happened in your situation.  But do take it as a lesson and don't let people pressure you in the future.  They WILL pressure you in the future again.  You can say "I learned my lesson" to them a hundred times and they will still think in the future that you should "help family" all over again.  There will be hurt feelings on all sides in the future.

Of course, I'm speaking from experience - some my own, but mostly from my mom's. 

Several years ago, my mother co-signed a loan for my sister and BIL using her paid-off home as collateral.  To make a long story short, they defaulted and my mom eventually lost her home (which is why she lives with us now) and they have NEVER paid her back in the 15 years they've owed these tens of thousands.  I said that I would never put our finances on the line for family and have stuck to my guns. 

Since then, they've asked us (both dh and me and my mother who has barely a dime to her name) for college money/college loans (we said no, and as it turned out nephew flunked out of college sophomore year and is defaulting on those loans... someone else co-signed), co-signing on car loans, they asked for a sum of $6000... to just name a few.  We did give the nephew a car to help out at one point because my sister was filing bankruptcy.  (He totaled it and used the money on video games, TVs, partying, his girlfriend... now complains that he doesn't have a car, but didn't use the money from the total to buy a new one.  Now he wants us to buy him a car.  Go figure!)  We're somewhat estranged because when I told them that I wouldn't help after the last time, they are ticked off at me.

So, I know what you are going through, but let it harden you against doing it again.  My point:  learn from the mistake, because those that come with their hands out will probably not learn from theirs.  Good luck!

[micah_mae_]

I like what a pp said "sometimes you find your boundries by tripping over them". How true! DH and I have a rule that we do not give loans to family. If we can afford to help family we do it as a gift, not a loan. When you owe someone money, your relationship becomes one of servant and master..it changes the whole dynamic. Therefore we don't put ourselves into that position.

[mattemma04]

This happens with family and friends. The best thing you can do is learn from it and not make the same mistake. I consider money to family/friends a gift not a loan,because it is VERY rare that it will be returned. I no longer give out money. I sympathise and say," Yea I know how hard it is,we are struggling too!"

[texmati]

Thank you so much for the responses. I guess there's a lot wrapped up into this, it's DH's family-- I think I would feel differently if it were my own (but then, I'd like to think that my own would pay me back.) The previous thread was from nearly a year ago, and I remember how I just *knew* this was a bad idea. I also feel upset that that person who we made the loan to is just avoiding our calls etc. When DH finally did get a hold of him, he went on and on about how his taxes were past due, and his business is in foreclosure,etc; but didn't even mention the money he owed us before basically hanging up on DH.

I'm also angry at DH for being so easily guilted into this.

Velochic, I'm so sorry about your mom's house. I don't know how I'd get over something like that. It would be different if  your sister was beside herself with guilt, but it sounds like she hasn't changed her ways.

It's true what guild jenn says about tripping over your boundries. I'm not that young (nearly 30), but sometimes I feel the 'growing pains' more intensely than I did 10 years ago.

[Ellien C]

When I've made really, really horrible mistakes, and a personal, more than financial one comes to mind, I told myself over and over again - this is one lesson I won't have to learn a second time. It really helped. I just kept saying, I've learned this lesson - got it the first time, don't need to make this mistake again.

[PenelopeJune]

Yup, only thing to do is learn from your mistakes. I've only made one bad financial mistake, but it was HUUUUUUUUGE. I will not make the same mistake twice. It's still hard, and it still hurts, and we're still "paying" for it. (Not financially, just mentally.)

[heatherdeg]

Velochic--are we related?  That sounds like my family.  :/

texmati--my dh would TOTALLY be the one his family would turn to (if my ILs weren't handing out to his brothers, which they do hand over fist) and he would feel obligated to give where I wouldn't.  And truthfully, in short--it would lead to a complete ending of relations (more from them cutting us off in spite/manipulation than our cutting them off).  So I get the "pressure" of loaning.

That being said, if ever I were to loan money to family, I would probably write it off.  But that's because even the people in either of our families that are capable of repaying us don't have the respect for us TO pay it off.  :/

Loving the "boundaries" quote.

[texmati]

TBH, I have to admit that I would have really expected this person to pay us back-- had it not been for the fact that we'd be the absoluetly last people he would ask. (which of course made dh even more willing to give the money, and me more skeptical.). I'm really shocked at the lack of returning phone calls etc. It seems so not like him. *Sigh...* I guess you are right-- we just have to vow never to do this again.