Remind me AP can be like this...

[AFWife]

DS1 was/is high needs. He was a high needs infant and is now a "spirited" toddler. He didn't sleep as an infant (well, no more than a couple of hours IF I got lucky), I couldn't put him down for most naps, he had to sleep on top of someone more often than not, he constantly needed to have someone's attention...he's still mostly like that. He's 21mo and is just now getting to where he'll sleep alone for a few hours at a time, he has to be cuddling with someone in order to nap, he doesn't play independently that often, and he's hit a clingy stage where he has to be held constantly.

Enter DS2. He's a little over a week old now. I can actually put him down...he sleeps in 2-4 hour chunks (2 hours on average during the day, 3-4 at night), he wakes up to eat and then he's good, he doesn't need to constantly suck like DS1 did, he cries and makes noise more than DS1 did...but it's not as bad in general.

Now to my thought/question...

I put DS2 down more often. I put him in the swing AWAKE the other day (I needed to be without a kid on me for a moment and be with DH) and he laid there, made baby noises, and went to sleep...DS1 never did that. He would have been in the swing for 10mins awake and then screaming to get held. I can put DS2 down on the couch and he'll lay there, look around, and drift off to sleep.

I can't help but feel guilty. Neglectful isn't the right word...inattentive, maybe?

DH said to me the other day, "Attachment Parenting doesn't mean you have to hold them all the time. It's about meeting his needs." Part of me knows he's right...but part of me is still postpartum and emotional.

Thoughts?

[love4bob]

What's wrong with having a happy baby?  It's all about meeting their needs.

[AFWife]

Originally Posted by love4bob 

What's wrong with having a happy baby?  It's all about meeting their needs.

It's just a big adjustment to be able to set him down and not have him freak out...especially when I have a toddler that STILL isn't like that. It's really foreign to me and makes me feel like I'm not giving him enough attention.

[mommariffic]

Every single baby is different 

I had a very high needs DD and when DS was born I was so surprised that he was just about to...BE. He can sit on the floor playing with one of his felted balls for like, 30 minute chunks. If I'm cooking he's happy to sit in his high chair watching me, chewing on his teether. He actually doesn't enjoy the carriers I have, but we do use them anyway. 

Does he get plenty of momma arm time? Yes! Does he get to sleep with me at night! Yes! And he's just a happy man 90% of the time. I think if he wasn't I'd worry about not spending so much time just holding him or whatever else, but we are doing well. 

Enjoy a zen baby, they are fun 

[mamazee]

I've had the exact same situation, except more years between.  My oldest was very high needs and never really slept, gave up naps early and wouldn't nap unless I lied down with her, tantrums, screaming, colic, you name it we've dealt with it.  (She's great, though still intense, at just turning 9.)

Then came the little one (turning 2 next month).  She slept through the night from the start.  Naps well.  Doesn't care where she sleeps.  Is always happy.  She goes to sleep happily whether I'm there or not, wakes up happily, does everything happily.  So amazing.

Yes, it means meeting their needs.  They don't all have as high needs.  Be thankful because it would be hard to have a high needs baby and a high  needs toddler at the same time.  That's why ours are so spaced out.  I wasn't sure I could even handle another child after our first, but I certainly didn't think I could handle them close together.  And then here she is and she's so mild and sweet tempered.  If I'd had her first I'd think it was my great parenting that caused her temperament.  LOL.

Anyway, relax about it.  :)

[lookatreestar]

i agree with your dh. honestly some babies are just chill/easy going. i got two of them 

[lookatreestar]

LOL i love that- zen baby 

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommariffic 

Every single baby is different 

I had a very high needs DD and when DS was born I was so surprised that he was just about to...BE. He can sit on the floor playing with one of his felted balls for like, 30 minute chunks. If I'm cooking he's happy to sit in his high chair watching me, chewing on his teether. He actually doesn't enjoy the carriers I have, but we do use them anyway. 

Does he get plenty of momma arm time? Yes! Does he get to sleep with me at night! Yes! And he's just a happy man 90% of the time. I think if he wasn't I'd worry about not spending so much time just holding him or whatever else, but we are doing well. 

Enjoy a zen baby, they are fun 

[Alyantavid]

Your dh is completely right.  All kids are different and have different needs.  You're following his lead, so relax and enjoy. :)

[The4OfUs]

My firstborn was like a poster child for contraptions, he was happy as a clam on the floor, in a bouncer, in a saucer, wherever.  He's be on his own on the floor while I flitted aruond doing stuff and chattering with him for an hour even as a baby.  I held him plenty, he napped on me, but he was also down, on his own, a fair amount.

Then DD came along, and it was all mommy, ALL the time.  And I went a little  but knew that it was all temperament.

Kids are different.  So long as he's happy and being loved on, give him (and you!) a break and give him some down time so long as he's happy!!  And enjoy it!  

[meemee]

awww mama its just been a week. give your self some time to adjust. you new baby is a shock to the system. 

i know i dont have to tell you this but be mindful. just be careful DS1 doesnt take all the attention and DS2 get very little. i was a very independent baby. my young brother was not. my mom was so overwhelmed that she did not realise it and spent more time on my bro than on me. i felt abandoned. my mom would tell me i never demanded anything from her yet bro would demand more. and so she was caught in helping bro more. after i had my dd i really understood what she said. 

so yeah it feels strange. give yourself the time to adjust and figure out how to do it all. 

[swisscanmom]

My kids were EXACTLY the same! And my 2nd born is now more cuddly with me than the first one, she is 7. Enjoy being able to put him down and get a break!

[*bejeweled*]

Zen baby Cute.

[skybluepink02]

My twins are like that. My dd is so high needs, even at almost two. She has always been a Velcro child. My son has always been my happy, smiley boy. Totally different personalities.

We always started our babies out in the crib for the night and let them join us in bed. My son was sleeping 6 hour stretches at 3 months old (1 month adjusted). And never much liked sleeping with us. My daughter didn't sleep that long til well over a year old. My son has always been happy sitting on the floor with a toy. My daughter needs constant interaction or sling time to be happy.

Enjoy your little man, but be careful to give him one on one attention, even if he doesn't demand it.

[AFWife]

Rest assured, he gets plenty of attention...just not the constant attention that DS1 required (and still requires)

It is kind of comforting to know that it wasn't our parenting that made DS1 the way he is...that it's just his personality. I'll be honest, sometimes we blame ourselves and ask "What did we do wrong? Why doesn't he listen/why does he whine so much/why can't he be away from us EVER?"

[rightkindofme]

Similar experiences only my first born slept a lot.  However she would only sleep *with my nipple in her mouth* until around a year (I had to be with her while sleeping at all times) and she couldn't nap without touching my for over 2 years.  Verra difficult.  My second can put herself to sleep lying on a blanket on the floor.  It's trippy.  I can put this one to sleep at night in about 15 minutes and she often sleeps for 6-8+ hours.  My oldest is nearing three and *still* needs more physical contact during the day than the 4.5 month old.  Oh, and this kid dislikes all carriers.  She would rather lie on the floor while I work.  Way better for my back. :)

I'm just thanking whoever arranged this. :)

[pianojazzgirl]

No no no mama, you didn't do anything to "make" your ds1 be like how he is, no more than you "did" anything to make your ds2 be how he is.  I promise.  I know very few parents who had equally demanding (or non-demanding) kids, and it definitely isn't necessarily a first kid vs. second kid phenomenon.  Your situation sounds a lot like my best friend's (though her kids are much farther apart in age - 7yrs).  She is always shocked and a little freaked-out by how easy going her 2nd babe is.  I say stay mindful that you still give Ds2 lots of attention (as I'm sure you do and will continue to do - I can tell from your posts that you are a thoughtful, self-aware and caring mama), but beyond that just relax and enjoy the (easier!) ride.  Count your blessings!  (Trust me... I know what it is to have a "difficult" baby... let yourself enjoy this "easy" one). 

[Storm Bride]

The best source of perspective on how we parented our first is having our second. My kids were kind of the opposite. DS1 wasn't an easy, easy baby, but he was probably slightly to the easy side of avergae. I thought I was the best mom in the world. Then, dd1 came along (10 years later - by that point, I'd almost sprained my shoulder patting myself on the back). Ummm...yeah - I wasn't all that. DS1 is just the way he is. DD1 was high needs. She barely slept, didn't nurse well (a typical nurse lasted about 10 minutes, maybe 15, and would involve her breaking off and getting distracted at least twice - I sprayed more milk around in dd1's first two months than I have with all my other babies combined), didn't like being held/rocked to sleep, didn't like me to sing to her at bedtime, etc. etc. I felt like an abject failure...until I realized that I needed to figure out what dd1 needed, instead of doing what I thought was good parenting for every child. Things got a lot better then...but I didn't make dd1 be high needs any more than I made ds1 not be high needs.

As for the AP thing? Don't worry about the AP label. I was doing AP 12 years before I ever heard of AP, but I wasn't concerned about labeling it. Just do what works for you and for your family. If you've got a baby who is happy to be put down when you need a moment (or 10) without the baby, that's a great thing, for you and for the baby and for your older son. It doesn't have to be hard to be AP. You need to meet your child's needs, to the best of your ability...and this baby doesn't need to be held all the time.

[skybluepink02]

Originally Posted by AFWife 

Rest assured, he gets plenty of attention...just not the constant attention that DS1 required (and still requires)

It is kind of comforting to know that it wasn't our parenting that made DS1 the way he is...that it's just his personality. I'll be honest, sometimes we blame ourselves and ask "What did we do wrong? Why doesn't he listen/why does he whine so much/why can't he be away from us EVER?"

I always say that if I only had DS, I would think I was doing everything right. If I had only DD, I would worry that I was doing it wrong. Luckily I had them both at the same time and know that it's all personality! Enjoy your happy little guy!