Preschool Teacher not Respecting Children's Bodies, WWYD?

[Agatha_Ann]

I own a daycare, and as part of my licensing requirements, I have to take 15 hours of continuing education a year. At the moment I am taking a class that deals with general development, behavior, and discipline in children 1-5. The class consists mainly of other daycare providers, preschool teachers, and social workers.

Last night, at the end of class, the instructor asked if anyone would share an example of an ongoing discipline issue they have in their classroom and how they handle it. A few people gave examples, and then one of the preschool teachers spoke. She said during their circle time, they always start by singing a friendship song where each day a new child is asked to walk around the circle and shake hands with each child while they sing. So Monday, Billy is the "handshaker", Tuesday Suzy, Wednesday Johnny, etc. She said that some children will refuse to shake hands and so that child is told, "I'm sorry you don't want to be a friend today, you may come back when you are ready to be a friend" and they are removed from the circle to sit alone.

Maybe I am just a big ol' hippie, tree hugging liberal...but this made me really upset! I do not think a child should be forced or shamed to share any part of their body with someone else if they do not want to, for whatever reason. To me, she is teaching these children, (and especially the girls) that if you want to be a "good friend" you have to allow others to touch you even if you don't want them to. I just cannot believe that these young kids are being punished and basically labeled for not wanting to touch or be touched.

So now I am wondering what I should do. This class is ongoing, so I could speak to that teacher if I wanted to. I also have a strong and mutually respectful relationship with the director of her preschool. I would feel more comfortable talking to him to be honest, but is that a cowardly or catty thing to do? Am I totally overreacting? Thank you for reading and your advice.

[shanniesue2]

what did the instructor say?  Maybe you could say something to the instructor and s/he could address the issue?

[Agatha_Ann]

The instructor basically said Ok, gave us homework assignments and dismissed the class. We were already running over at that point so I don't know if it's just me who felt that way or if the instructor was worried about time and would address it later in some way?

If people think I'm totally out there with my feelings about this, please tell me that too! Sometimes I overanalyze and I would love to have this explained from a different point of view if you have one.

[Spring Lily]

I'd probably talk to the instructor of the class you're taking. I'd say that I didn't want to speak out in class & make the person feel chastised, but that I felt like this was an important issue that came up and needs to be addressed. Really, it was the instructor's place to address it or encourage discussion when it came up. ETA: we crossposted, and I can understand why the instructor let it go if you were over time.

The concern would be that in preschool kids are learning big body concepts like good touch/bad touch and that they are the boss of their own body. That circle time practice is the complete opposite of that. I can just picture my DD's preschool teacher saying kindly, "That's ok, no one has to touch anyone if they don't want to." I'd be pretty upset as a parent if kids were being punished for being honest about their own boundaries--girls and boys equally.

I'd talk to the instructor about the mixed message and maybe kind of play confused--that you'd like her to revisit the subject in class and clarify what other options there are for a situation like that. Whether it actually requires discipline or not? Maybe the class really needs to talk about it, and I bet you're not the only one bothered.

[Belia]

I totally get why you're upset, but I think it sucks for a different reason.  Why is shaking hands the only way to be a good friend?  Why isn't the teacher giving kids options, like shake hands, or wave, or smile, or share a toy, or say hello, or...

And the whole isolating kids sucks, too...

I don't have an grand ideas about what to do now, though.  Maybe approaching the instructor is best.  But I just wanted to let you know that I don't think you're overreacting.

[leilamom]

This practice seems completely inappropriate.  I would address this with the teacher of the class and I wouldn't do it in private.  I would just say that you were concerned about isolating children and forcing children to be touched or the consequence is isolation, and if she felt there was any other way to handle that situation.  I have seen teacher's do this at circle time before, but it's more like three options, such as "Do you want a hug, handshake, or a high five?"  Or there could be other options, like a smile, a handshake, or a high five.  I don't like finite choices for kids like that.  I totally see why you are upset.

[sosurreal09]

I would be LIVID if anyone did that to my DD! You are their voice be strong!

[One_Girl]

I don't think kids should be forced to be touched, but this is the middle of the year and she may have kids who have always participated in the greeting song but are now starting to experiment with shunning certain children so the separation from the group may be based on that rather than the touch.  It is too bad the instructor didn't have more time because I think it would be valuable for that teacher to learn a better way of handling the situation whether it is shunning or just not participating.  I do think that it is important for teachers to take a stand against shunning even in preschool settings and I have seen this done in very gentle ways that don't include punishment.  It may also just be time for a new song or greeting routine or a community circle talk about why kids suddenly don't want to shake hands and what they would like to do instead.  I do think you should mention your concern to the teacher if this is a college course and the opportunity to address this issue again will come up.

[LynnS6]

I would approach the instructor in a way that frames it as a learning opportunity for you and the other teacher. I'd have been livid if my kids' preschool teachers had done this. So, I'd say something like "I was reflecting on the anecdote that X told in class about circle time and asking each child to shake hands. While I think it's a great skill to teach children, I found myself surprisingly disturbed that the children who refused to shake hands were isolated away from the circle. This strikes me as not being a developmentally appropriate response to the situation. Could we spend a few minutes during the next class processing this? I'd like to know whether you felt this was an appropriate response to refusing to shake hands, and whether we could brainstorm other solutions. I could imagine children at different stages of development, or even different personalities not being very comfortable with this exercise."

On a side note, I have a child who would likely have been isolated every single day for weeks. He was 4 before he'd even wave to his friends. And that's his friends. It took until he was 5 or 6 before he would say anything to his friends. He's just very reserved and was somewhat shy. He's 9 now, and he's been shaking hands with people at church for a couple of years now. He's still not great at responding to social cues, but he's fine. I would really have been upset if he'd been isolated over something so trivial.

[mamaupupup]

I agree that it is wrong to force children to touch, say goodbye, etc, (it is not age appropriate to expect greetings/social graces until the children are 6+).  I had a similar situation with my girls and their dance instructor.  Here's what I wrote to her:

I love what you do and how you do it!  I have one thing I invite you to think about (and I mean this in the warmest way--I think we "get" each other):  When you say "I need a hug" from my perspective it puts pressure on children to hug you.  I find it's a tough thing for children to learn to "disobey" requests from adults who say they "need" things, especially physical contact (grandparents are professional "I need a huggers").  I feel that it's super important for children to be "in charge" of who they let into their physical space and that they be empowered to say no, elect to pass on giving out hugs, kisses, etc.  I believe that if we give kids the space to make choices for or against physical contact they will be more likely to avoid being physically mistreated/abused.  I know that sounds heavy (I have delivered this message numerous times to friends and relatives), so please don't take it personally!  Those in our closest circles know that I don't "require" physical contact (kiss me good night, hug your friend goodbye, etc.).  The girls figure out how and when to share a hug on their own and it's that much sweeter, genuine, and safer in the long run, from my perspective.  I know you could find a magical way to say goodbye without requesting a hug!
 

Here was the instructor's response:

And YES - I agree with, and REALLY appreciate, your honest feedback about the hugs.  In just 1-hour, I feel like I do have influence over these children and it's my hope to build their confidence so they can make healthy choices and set healthy boundaries for themselves.  Thank-you for taking the time to write this email with your observation and suggestions.
Yes, of course, I can and have already thought of, magical "dancing" ways to say good-bye without requesting a hug.  In my years of experience with parenting, foster parenting and teaching..., I welcome the feedback from parents, as this gives me fresh insight.  I especially welcome feed back from you - as I have experience your POSITIVE support during our classes. So, thank-you again for taking the time to write.  I look forward to dancing with your girls this Thursday. 

So, that interaction went well.  I had a similar discussion with their swim instructor.  Hope this helps!

I think for the health of all the children involved, it would be beneficial to tackle this topic.  You have my support, respect, and understanding!

[ssh]

The friend game they play in my DD's preschool doesn't involve touching at all. A child is randomly asked to be first. That child stands with their back to the group and then the teacher chooses a child to say "firstchild is my friend". The first child guesses who said it and then the second child gets a turn. The game involves all children saying each of the other children are his or her friends and they seem to really enjoy the hiding their eyes and then guessing part. 

Keeping hands and feet to yourself and respecting each others boundaries is a big deal in preschool. My DD was one of the exuberant friendly kids who wanted to hug all her friends. We really had to be consistent with "we don't hug people without permission", "you can always hug 'miss yourteacher' if you need a hug" and "we can smile at our friends and ask them to play". Having a game that didn't respect boundaries would have undermined the process of teaching my DD to respect peoples personal space and also undermined learning to interpret social cues from her friends. It seems your classmate's game not only penalizes kids who like having their personal space intact but also undermines teaching the kids how to respect each others boundaries. I'd talk to your instructor and the director of the preschool. It's just too inappropriate to let go.

[Petie1104]

My son would be sitting alone every day all day.  He doesn't like touching people, talking, or even looking at people.  I can just see him depressed and upset every day if something like that were required of him.  I'm not sure when you should expect a child to start shaking hands, but I remember being a pre-teen before I ever did.  I do think this should be addressed in some way because these children might NEED it to stop.

[lalemma]

Ugh. That would make me really angry, too. Thanks for getting cranky on behalf of those poor kids.

[EmilyZ25]

i would first talk to the instructor and see if something can be done that way. if not, i would first speak to the teacher before the director of the pre-school. i agree that it is not ok what she is doing, but you should first speak with her to help her see why and offer suggestions.

[RiverandJulie]

I completely agree with you that this is inappropriate and agree with all of the PP's.  Another thing that I think of is germs!  Ok-bit of a germaphobe, but I work with kids, and especially at that age-they are spreading germs like crazy, why encourage that.

[waiting2bemommy]

I saw this from the  main page and as a former preschool teacher I just wanted to throw out an idea that worked for me, because I also am big on teaching the kids to respect their bodies and demand respect from others in regards to their personal boundaries.

I used to do a circle time where we picked one kid out of the circle to get in the middle and then we would chant, "Mary (or kids name), mary, mary's in the middle, let me see you jump, let me see you wiggle, mary, mary, turn around, mary, mary sit back down." You could pick just one kid a day or go through the whole class.

That's just one that I've used. There are others I've use as well, various good morning songs and so forth, where you addressed one child by name and that child got to interact with the others and/or be the center of attention, but without the expectation of physical contact. I know for my ds this would be disastrous because he is moody, if he was haviong a rough day he would refuse to interact and would get kicked out of circle time, if he was having a good day he would be super exuberant and would be likely to tackle the other kid. Then he would be in trouble for being too rough, and STILL get kicked out of circle. That;s why I picked a low key montessor school for him, and when he was there, he STILL got kicked out of circle. lol.

Anyway if it comes up in the class again you might try sharing an alternative like this that still meets the goals of interaction between the kids without all that pressure.

[angelandmisha]

Definitely not crazy! My ds would be distraught if forced to shake hands- at all and would be even more distraught at being ostracized, shamed and isolated from the group for asserting his body preferences. I would be very unhappy, as a parent, with a preschool that did that. In fact, I think being singled out at that age would make lots of kids uncomfortable and feel stress. It's a very coercive strategy to use with those kids and I don't like it at all.

If I were you, I'd probably talk to the instructor of your class- I really like how Lynn phrased it- after seeing how that went, I'd probably try to talk to the other teacher, but I do think I'd talk to the other director and let them know how that practice comes across to you as another owner/director. I'd likely make other suggestions such as giving the kids choices about waving, smiling, saying hi, giving a high five or doing nothing and letting their choice(whatever it is) be ok. I might also try to get at what the purpose of that activity really is? Is it to teach social skills? How about situational modeling rather than required performance? It honestly sounds like it just fills time and the teacher thinks the kids should like it.

Good luck, it's a touchy situation- you don't want to personally attack/offend the other teacher, yet you can't sit by and say nothing about a practice you find so incompatible with what children that age should be learning about their bodies.


This doesn't really go with anything I've said, but I also like how mamaupupup dealt with this issue with her child's ballet teacher.

And BTW, I love your profile pic! Very sweet!