Crying when you can't get there to reassure them?

[milly5]

Hi ladies,

I am just wondering about crying when you can't reassure them?

Like when you are driving, or if you are on the toilet or in the shower?  I hate the thought of her crying and not having reassurance.

[sosurreal09]

I do verbal reassurance. example:

DD hated the car, but she cried 4hrs a day every day until she was 6 m/o...so I *knew* if I pulled over every time in the car it would suck and become a habit and I would hate driving with her even more...

instead I stared something. I inform her "We are going x and it will take y mins to get there" (sure she has no clue but w/e she will someday and it makes me feel better)

then if she cries I say "hang in there babe you are doing so well we have x mins left"

"mommy is trying her hardest I know you are upset"

If she is just crying and crying to no avail I start counting real slow so that when I say "ten" I open her door and we are there..this worked surprisingly very well and even at an early age. When I started counting she knew when mommy says ten she will get me...

as far as the potty or shower went I could never handle that as well and would bring her in the bathroom with me. Now if i take a shower I pop on the tv (GASP!) and take my shower in peace lol

[Knitting Mama]

The car was pretty much the only place this happened as I never really showered or used the toilet without her! But yeah, in the car, I offered verbal reassurance, sang songs, made up noises, etc. It really only helped me, I think, but she got over her hatred of the carseat around 4-5 months, so it's been a lot better since then.

[tzs]

no advice really except that it happens to everybody.

in one case i was stuck in the bathroom for a few minutes when dd started crying after trying to put her down for a nap. ugh....i remember i was feeling so bad....except by the time i got to her she had fallen asleep and to this moment i remember that as the first day she ever took a "real" nap. she was like 2 months old by that point. so it's not always the worst thing in the world. i learned alot about my babe and how she needed space to fall asleep that day.

[cocoanib]

Ugh! This happened to me the other day and I still feel bad about it.

We left from the store and got on our way on the highway.

DD started to cry about 10 minutes down the road. Usually, I'll talk to her and reassure her that Mama knows it sucks and we are almost there.

This time it did'nt work and I was in an area where stopping would'nt have ben very safe for us for a couple of reasons. I almost pulled over, but I just kept going instead. About 10 more minutes. She had quieted down by the time we got home, but man it was horrible. I kissed her and loved her up and apologized as soonas we got there.

I hope it never happens again!

[goinggreengirl]

I just talk to him while we are driving, reassuring him and letting him know that I'm there. I take him into the bathroom with me. Otherwise, I can't think of any time I wouldn't be able to get to him!

[a13xandra]

My baby is a car screamer.  I sing her favourite songs, turn up the radio for her.  "I hear you're upset, Eris. There, there. I love you!"  At stoplights sometimes we hold hands over the seat, or I pat her head. 

[milly5]

Thanks ladies! It's reassuring to know that others have struggled with this one too.

I always talk to her in the car, or tell her where I am (eg in the bathroom) but I do wonder how reassuring it is for her given that she can hear me but not see me (after all she is only 4 months old!).  It's just so distressing - probably more so for me than for her I suppose.  I will try the singing though (I must admit I do struggle with that, but she enjoys it when I do it).

[P.J.]

Why don't you just take her to the bathroom with you? That's what I do. I realize, especially if you're pooping, it can be a bit awkward, but so what? Babies don't care! Plus, when it comes time for toilet training, it's a good idea anyway to have an open-door policy for the bathroom. Kids imitate and learn through imitation, so it's actually a good idea that they see you using the toilet.

As for the car, ugh! We have a car screamer too and it just freaking sucks! To be honest, I realized I could nurse him from the middle seat (I rarely have to drive anywhere alone with him, so this is while DH is driving) while he's in his carseat, and it works. I made a thread some weeks ago because I feared he had come to expect it and would never stop car screaming unless I nursed him....but I realized after enduring a few screaming sessions sitting right next to him that I simply couldn't deny him what soothes him and just let him scream, so there ya go. We always car nurse! And I avoid driving alone with him like the plague. Luckily we live in a major European city and we just walk or use public transport most everywhere. If you can't do that, or arrange car trips that your partner can drive and you can sit next to the baby, then I have no advice but only sympathy. Those times I've been alone in the car while DS screamed where harrowing. I cry too. In between my upset I try to soothe him but it's hard when it makes me so upset as well!

[McGucks]

The bathroom thing was solved for us at your LO's age with a magic seat called a Bumbo.  Now that our baby is 10 months and mobile, he can easily get out of the Bumbo (plus he's too big for it).  If I need him to be still cause something complicated is going on (I need to poop), I set him I on the bathroom floor with a few toys, put the trash can in the sink, and take care of business.  For showers, I do it while he's sleeping or bring his ExerSaucer in the bathroom with me (which he hates--this usually works for about 4 minutes, which is long enough to hit the highlights).  I have also showered quickly with him in the tub, but I get nervous he'll hit his head so I'm speedy.  The things we used to take for granted...little luxuries like going to the bathroom.  One of my favorite stories about DS1, who is now 15, is when he was around 3 and I needed to go to the bathroom and didn't want company.  I patiently explained, "Mommy has to poop and she needs privacy."  Thought that'd be the end of it.  Shortly after I started taking care of business, he burst in and loudly exclaimed, "I AM YOUR PRIVACY!!!"

The car thing, on the other hand, is a perpetual nightmare and I have no suggestions.  A friend swears by a baby mirror with a remote control that has music and lights.  Haven't tried it myself, but she got it for me at Wal-Mart for around 20 bucks.  She said it was worth its weight in gold.  Good luck!

[cocoanib]

Originally Posted by P.J. 

Why don't you just take her to the bathroom with you? That's what I do. I realize, especially if you're pooping, it can be a bit awkward, but so what? Babies don't care! Plus, when it comes time for toilet training, it's a good idea anyway to have an open-door policy for the bathroom. Kids imitate and learn through imitation, so it's actually a good idea that they see you using the toilet.

 

This is what we do. We EC, so I've been taking DD to potty almost from the beginning.

Now, she sits on her potty and I sit on mine :)

She's still too little for her feet to reach the ground, so I sit her right in front of me, so she does'nt wobble off.

She cheers and claps when I flush the toilet!!
 

[milly5]

It's not so much that I don't take her to the bathroom with me, because if she's awake I do, she's too small to sit on a potty yet, but I take her little rocker chair in. 

It's when she is asleep and I take those opportunities to have a shower or go to the toilet, only sometimes she wakes up when I am half-way through!  Though now I have given up showering if she is asleep as I have been caught out too many times.  Sometimes though, the toilet can't wait!

caedenmomma - I am your privacy - that's so funny!

And in the car - well I live in regional Australia (ie on a farm, a long way out of town) so most of the driving I do is on my own and at least a one hour trip.  If it is a trip with DH, then I do sit in the back with her.  I do have a mirror, but although I can see her, I don't think she can see me yet.

I'm curious PJ, how do you car nurse? I am guessing that at least one of you needs to not be in your seat belt?  It is illegal in Australia to be in a car without a seatbelt on, so I don't think that would be an option for us.  I have gotten to know all the good pull-over spots on most of my frequent journeys now.

[P.J.]

Originally Posted by milly5 

It's not so much that I don't take her to the bathroom with me, because if she's awake I do, she's too small to sit on a potty yet, but I take her little rocker chair in. 

It's when she is asleep and I take those opportunities to have a shower or go to the toilet, only sometimes she wakes up when I am half-way through!  Though now I have given up showering if she is asleep as I have been caught out too many times.  Sometimes though, the toilet can't wait!

caedenmomma - I am your privacy - that's so funny!

And in the car - well I live in regional Australia (ie on a farm, a long way out of town) so most of the driving I do is on my own and at least a one hour trip.  If it is a trip with DH, then I do sit in the back with her.  I do have a mirror, but although I can see her, I don't think she can see me yet.

I'm curious PJ, how do you car nurse? I am guessing that at least one of you needs to not be in your seat belt?  It is illegal in Australia to be in a car without a seatbelt on, so I don't think that would be an option for us.  I have gotten to know all the good pull-over spots on most of my frequent journeys now.

It totally works with me in the middle seat using the middle seat belt, which is a full, over shoulder one. The carseat we have is a MaxiCosi, the most popular brand here in Germany. It's not always comfortable, and I try not to lean too far over because I know if we were hit from behind the impact could send me crushing into him. I wouldn't do it if I couldn't stay fully strapped in though.

[SubliminalDarkness]

I just tried to limit the situations where it could occur. I didn't shower without him, I always took him in the shower with me. I took him to the bathroom with me, or if he was sleeping(which almost never happened, he never let me put him down) it couldn't possibly be that long before I was done and could go to him. Car rides were limited to the bare minimum. We didn't go anyplace just for fun or visits unless it was under five minutes. 

[Calliope84]

;( My DD screams in the car seat too so I pretty much won't go anywhere alone with just her. For my doctor's appt the other day I had my sister come with me so she could sit back there with DD. I hate when she cries and I can't get to her. She would not be happy just sitting somewhere in the bathroom while I did my thing. If she is crying from her swing or bassinet where I've momentarily left her, there is not much I can do. She likely wants out, up,just see me, or to eat and I am not going to wear her in there, so...