Critique the following and be brutal if need be. DD and I have interaction like this constantly and I need to figure out a new way to deal with her.
Dh asked DD to put out the garbages. He told her to put out 4 bags, as we have a four bag limit. She did so (rather grudgingly). While she was out, I reminded DH that our neighbour allows us to use his excess garbage allottment - and that the 2 extra bags can go at the neighbours. DD comes in, and I say - "please put the other 2 bags at the neighbours". Well, she rants and raves and says "why did we not say so before?" and I told her it was an error - Daddy forgot we could place bags at the neighbours. It took her about 5 minutes to convince her she needed to put the other bags out - and ended with her muttering under her breath about "stupid people". At this point I would like to point out that everyone in the house had done more chores than her today - and that I had asked her to put out the garbage earlier in the day, but she "forgot". It was not an unreasonable request.
I was quite annoyed by the arguing and calling people stupid, so when she returned I told her she needed to go to her room and she could come down when she was ready to aologize.
She argued about going to her room, and said she did not see why she had to and that I saw myself as above her. I replied that yes, I was queen. She did not find it funny, and went on a rant about how I saw myself as above her. The thing ended with her in her room, and she came down a few minutes later. The apology was totally fake. I decided to talk to her calmly about things, and made the following points:
-everyone had done lots of works, and doing the garbage was not unreasonable at all
-calling people stupid is not acceptable. This is a rising issues (name calling) and I need to nip it in the bud
-I said the queen thing as a joke; I do not think I am above her as a person. I am her mom, however, and it is my job to raise her to be respectful and responsible, and therefore it is my job to insist she behaves according (which means calling her on her cr@p, and dealing out consequences when need be)
I asked her what she felt her part was in this mess, and all she could do was rant and rave about how I said I was "queen". I said fine - my part in this is that I should not have made a joke about being "queen". I asked her again what her part was, and she still ranted about the queen comment. According to her, she has no responsibility in this. Sadly, this is not a one-off. She almost never takes responsibility for her own part in arguements.
My other 2 children (age 8 and almost 15) do not do this. It is not simply a parenting issue on my part...although I might need to parent her differently. I am just not sure how.
Fwiw, we have fights similar to this 2-4 times a week. It is exhausting. It does have a negative effect on our whole family. Everyone sees her as difficult - because she is. I do not know how to fix this. My other children tire of us fighting. My oldest will sometimes get involved to shut her up - he starts calling names as well, and she stomps off to her room. Of course, he gets in trouble as well for name calling and not minding his own business, but he does not care as it ends the ranting and arguing. He has told me this several times. I did resolve last night that I will not argue in front of the other kids again - if DD and I get into it, we will be moving it upstairs.
We are on a waitlist (we should be up in about 3 weeks - yay!) for counselling - I would like responses other than "go get counselling. Thanks!
Edited by purslaine - 1/26/11 at 4:00pm