I think you were really kind about it! If i'd acted that way at 12 my mother would have put the 6 garbage bags in my bed! And she wouldn't have been joking about being queen. She would have told me when i own and run the house i get to have an attitude about what i'm asked to do but that as long as i am housed, fed and clothed by my parents i needed to recognise their position above me in the household. She *might* have ignored the stupid comment, unless it was really loud, but if it was audible but just barely she would have said, quietly "be careful, i can hear your thoughts and you don't want to hear mine".
I don't have teen DD's (mine are 4 and 7months!) and i'm kind of dreading this stage, but i actually think you were very fair and even-handed over this. You can let her read my post and see how lucky she is!
AP doesn't stop when they quit being cute. Many of us were raised with a very heavy hand. I think that what adolescents are like is shaped a bit by how they were treated when they were small, and I think it may be uglier for kids who know they are unconditionally loved, and have grown up without fearing their parents (because they haven't been spanked, shamed, etc.)
I think that part of what makes it esp. hard for AP moms is that we tend to tuned into wanting our kids to be happy (the whole never leaving them to cry thing). Adolescents go through stages where they really aren't very happy at all and it just doesn't feel right to us. We want to fix it. We aren't sure how to stay centered when we see our kids so off kilter.
Yet, there's nothing to dread. It's an amazing, dynamic time. It's different, and they are finding their own voices in new ways. Sometimes it's bumpy, but there are really great things about this time.
LOL, I was never spanked or shamed either! My mother WAS AP. She just demanded respect. And i did respect her. It wasn't that she didn't want me to be happy, it was that she knew she wasn't responsible for my happiness (i was her 6th, she didn't have such a clear-cut view tih the eldest 4). Is that un-AP? She was happy to commiserate with me over not wanting to do chores, she was not willing to be disrespected over it though, she made me see from being very small that chores were a fact of life and that she wasn't making the work, she was just asking us to do our fair share.
I think i dread it because i don't know how it will go. DD1 is already acting like a teen! And i know from my own upbringing that i responded really well to how my parent raised me, my brother didn't. I feel sad for my dad seeing his son turn out how he did, and frightened it could happen to me.
How is putting 6 bags of garbage in your child's bed or being serious about being queen, as you said she would have done in this situation, or deciding that someone can't express negative emotions because they aren't the ones running the house AP? Honestly, I would have told either one of my parents to F off if they had to told me I wasn't allowed to express negative emotions until I was running my own household. You don't like how someone reacts to something, it's better to talk later about other ways they can choose to react rather than tell them "you can't do that yet, you don't have the authority."