Court on Monday- need opinions or advice!-LONG

[momanderson]

I haven't shared any of the details of my custody case here before, but I need some advice now!

A bit of background,I have 5 children, 2 with autism. We live in Ontario, Canada. My xh is a poster child for passive aggressive personality.We have been seperated since Sept 2009. In August 2010 we went to court and got a temporary order. I got all the things I wanted at the time. Every other weekend and 2 other days a month visitation, primary residency with me, back to school costs. We did not deal with actual custody, I am asking for sole, he wants joint.  We returned to court on November 29th for what I thought was going to be a final order. He has a lawyer, I am using duty counsel when we go as I can not afford a lawyer and legal aid won' help me unless I put a lien on the house, which he won't agree to obviously!

So November comes and xh gives me papers from his lawyer stating he wants the children's lawyer involved. I was shocked to say the least! Up until that point xh couldn't''t even tell me what he wants, and now you want the children's lawyer???  On the court date our case was called first. I had not yet had time to speak with duty counsel so they put it over several times. When I saw duty counsel ( it was the same lawyer I saw in August, I really like her ) she brought ex's lawyer in and we discussed the things I am asking for. We agreed to a joint custody where he has no say over the 2 kids with special needs, I would have final say on them. He has no concept of their needs medically or educationally. They dropped the request for the childrens lawyer, thank goodness!

Here is what I asked for:

-sole custody

-primary residency with me

-the children would be claimed on my income tax, and I retain all child tax/ disability and ACSD benefits for the kids

-1 week of holidays with him during July or August, and 1 week during winter months IE-Christmas break or march break.

-major holidays to be alternated

-he is to maintain dental, prescription and vision benefits for them and cover 50% of the cost of things not covered, o be payed within 30 days.

-50% of extra curricular IE-school trips, girl guides/scouts, hockey

-50% of childcare cost, including specialized care for oldest ( he is over 12 but severally autistic, def can not be left alone!)

-$150 per child for back to school expenses paid by August 15th

-ability to move within 300km (185 miles roughly) of the boundaries of the district we live in.

We go to court again on Monday. Ex finally went to his lawyer yesterday and gave me a letter last night with what they want. They also would like to settle out of court by Monday! It's Thursday today.....that doesn't give me anytime to negotiate and I am not agreeing to some things he wants.

Here are my problems with what he wants.

-The joint custody clause is written up differently than I agreed to previously. I was to have all say for the two children with autism for medical and educational things and I would have final say period on them. It is written that I only get to decide medical issues and that I don't have final say.

-he wants to not pick the kids up until after work Fridays instead of the current after school drop off that I do. I feel this is petty, yes, but he doesn't want to be bothered finding child care for them, he's said that before! He just expects me to take care of them. Well I want to have a life and sometimes I like to go out of town on my free weekends and if I can't leave until 7pm that isn't gonna work for me! I know this one is more just me digging in my heals, but none of the single mothers I know have their kids after school on the Friday of their ex's weekend. They all thought I was being more than generous driving the kids out to his parents house for him! That's where he lives, and so far his parents have been watching the kids for the 2 hours.

-he wants me to only be able to move within 100km of this house. and if I move out of this house I will have to do all transporting of the children so he can maintain access. This limit means I can't even move around in this district! So it severally limits my ability to get a job, and even if I had a job I would have to figure out a way to drive the kids to him every other weekend and pick them up! I find this limit very unreasonable.I can see splitting the travel, but me having to do all of it seems a bit much? I should note that I offered to buy him out of the matrimonial home, he refused. I asked him to buy me out, he refused. I suggested we need to sell the house because I can not continue to keep up all the payments, you guessed it-he refuses!  I need to move or I am going to go bankrupt soon. He doesn't care.....would like to see me go bankrupt and live in a shelter with the kids!

Any suggestions on the thing I am not agreeing with? All the other items are fine, save for a few minor wording changes. He doesn't want to cover childcare cost though.....but I can let that go since I do qualify for subsidy for the 4 that are under 12.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Ok, DEEP BREATH.  It's a negotiation.  Anything you don't like, say no to.
 

Originally Posted by momanderson 

I haven't shared any of the details of my custody case here before, but I need some advice now!

A bit of background,I have 5 children, 2 with autism. We live in Ontario, Canada. My xh is a poster child for passive aggressive personality.We have been seperated since Sept 2009. In August 2010 we went to court and got a temporary order. I got all the things I wanted at the time. Every other weekend and 2 other days a month visitation, primary residency with me, back to school costs. We did not deal with actual custody, I am asking for sole, he wants joint.  We returned to court on November 29th for what I thought was going to be a final order. He has a lawyer, I am using duty counsel when we go as I can not afford a lawyer and legal aid won' help me unless I put a lien on the house, which he won't agree to obviously!

So November comes and xh gives me papers from his lawyer stating he wants the children's lawyer involved. I was shocked to say the least! Up until that point xh couldn't''t even tell me what he wants, and now you want the children's lawyer???  On the court date our case was called first. I had not yet had time to speak with duty counsel so they put it over several times. When I saw duty counsel ( it was the same lawyer I saw in August, I really like her ) she brought ex's lawyer in and we discussed the things I am asking for. We agreed to a joint custody where he has no say over the 2 kids with special needs, I would have final say on them. He has no concept of their needs medically or educationally. They dropped the request for the childrens lawyer, thank goodness!

Here is what I asked for:

-sole custody

-primary residency with me

-the children would be claimed on my income tax, and I retain all child tax/ disability and ACSD benefits for the kids

-1 week of holidays with him during July or August, and 1 week during winter months IE-Christmas break or march break.

-major holidays to be alternated

-he is to maintain dental, prescription and vision benefits for them and cover 50% of the cost of things not covered, o be payed within 30 days.

-50% of extra curricular IE-school trips, girl guides/scouts, hockey

-50% of childcare cost, including specialized care for oldest ( he is over 12 but severally autistic, def can not be left alone!)

-$150 per child for back to school expenses paid by August 15th

-ability to move within 300km (185 miles roughly) of the boundaries of the district we live in.  This is ALOT to ask for.  Seriously, this should be re-considered. 

We go to court again on Monday. Ex finally went to his lawyer yesterday and gave me a letter last night with what they want. They also would like to settle out of court by Monday! It's Thursday today.....that doesn't give me anytime to negotiate and I am not agreeing to some things he wants.

Here are my problems with what he wants.

-The joint custody clause is written up differently than I agreed to previously. I was to have all say for the two children with autism for medical and educational things and I would have final say period on them. It is written that I only get to decide medical issues and that I don't have final say.  Then say no.  Do you have documented reasons why he shouldn't have final say?  Also, in my case my lawyer told me that with joint custody the custodial parent is usually the one that is the "tie breaker" when parents disagree so long as they aren't doing anything seriously harmful to the children - ie, sending them to school 3 hours away by public transit every single day, or having surgeries "for fun".

-he wants to not pick the kids up until after work Fridays instead of the current after school drop off that I do. I feel this is petty, yes, but he doesn't want to be bothered finding child care for them, he's said that before! He just expects me to take care of them. Well I want to have a life and sometimes I like to go out of town on my free weekends and if I can't leave until 7pm that isn't gonna work for me! I know this one is more just me digging in my heals, but none of the single mothers I know have their kids after school on the Friday of their ex's weekend. They all thought I was being more than generous driving the kids out to his parents house for him! That's where he lives, and so far his parents have been watching the kids for the 2 hours.  Just say no.  Not worth worrying about.  Keep your cool, say no.  Nicely, but say no.

-he wants me to only be able to move within 100km of this house. and if I move out of this house I will have to do all transporting of the children so he can maintain access. This limit means I can't even move around in this district! So it severally limits my ability to get a job, and even if I had a job I would have to figure out a way to drive the kids to him every other weekend and pick them up! I find this limit very unreasonable.I can see splitting the travel, but me having to do all of it seems a bit much? I should note that I offered to buy him out of the matrimonial home, he refused. I asked him to buy me out, he refused. I suggested we need to sell the house because I can not continue to keep up all the payments, you guessed it-he refuses!  I need to move or I am going to go bankrupt soon. He doesn't care.....would like to see me go bankrupt and live in a shelter with the kids!  So play hard - he wants you to stay in the house, you need to buy him out.  Or he needs to pay the mortgage for x number of years.  Why can't you move within your district?  Honestly I think being able to move over 100miles from a childs parent is too far, and would seriously impede his access to his children  find a way to compromise - whats the standard where you live?  Start there.

Any suggestions on the thing I am not agreeing with? All the other items are fine, save for a few minor wording changes. He doesn't want to cover childcare cost though.....but I can let that go since I do qualify for subsidy for the 4 that are under 12.  Don't let go of childcare costs.  Thats ALOT of money, especially if your 12yo still needs it.  You may not always qualify for subsidies, plan for changes in circumstances NOW so that you don't have to go back to court over it.

Also, you don't necessarily have to have this all negotiated by Monday morning.  Just let it go until you can speak with an attorney.