A question for Moms of Many regarding your extended family..

[Zenbuoyant]

Do you ever get any grief for a pregnancy?

We found out we're expecting our 6th child yesterday and I just don't want anyone in my family to know for fear I'll disappoint them. My husband's mother, while pregnant with #5 scoffed at the news. He replied, "Look, this is our family! It does not effect you!" She said, "Oh but it does! It adds a financial burden on me too because that is one more kid I'll have to send a gift to!"

She is really cold and insensitive so I'm not counting this as normal behavior. But I do worry if the rest of my family feels this way.

I sent a thank you note to my SIL for the beautiful pictures she sent over the holidays and she replied defensively, "I'm sorry I didn't send the kids their Christmas presents. I'm Sorry!" That was it. There was not a signature included. I responded by saying I thought the pictures was our gift and they were perfect. I encouraged her to save her money for the move and to please not worry about sending anymore gifts.

The family kind of ignore us.

It does hurt because I don't want to be thought of as a burden, not ever! We never ask them for help. And we're pretty good about sending cards and gifts for their children.

Does this happen to you? They've gotten upset with each pregnancy since the third.

[ashleypLC]

My family wasn't necessarily upset about #4 and eventually they did get excited about another baby.  The way your MIL reacted is totally my mother!  Somehow it will effect her even though she never really helps anyway.  And we do most of it on our own, rarely ask for help, etc.  Honestly who's business is it anyway?  And I'm sure with 5 kids you have plenty of things to do so who wants more gifts anyway?  We lived 12 hours away from family for 5 years so we just all stopped sending each other gifts so now that we live close it's still the same and I prefer it.  We're pregnant with #5 and I'm anxious to tell everyone as well but at the end of the day it's our happiness...not theirs.  And if they don't want to be a part of it they don't have to be!

[ashleypLC]

Oh and after #4 we've gotten MANY comments about how we're done and any more kids would be too many...apparently everyone else was deciding for us

[amaayeh]

I'm getting those negative comments and I'm only on #3!!  I have a friend that is having her fifth child and my family even feels the need to insult her.  I think some of it is that my parents said their generation was told (and apparently sold) that if they had more than 2 children, they would overpopulate the world and the world would come to an end.  Generational maybe?

[Full Heart]

Oh yea we get that, and so did my mom (she had 6).  So I have made a rule.  If you want to buy gifts, and I would prefer they don't, please get only whats on my list and nothing more.  I explain with 8 kids if you got them all one or two things each that is 8-16 gifts I have to figure out what to do with! Multiply that by several people and well you get the idea.  Its not good.  So I told my ils to get 1 big gift for all the kids, or at least the bigger kids.  If they wanted to they could get the little kids 1 gift too since the big one and little ones really aren't gonna like the same things.  Finally after all these years they listened to me.  And it wasn't expensive either, so that made them even happier.

Its the same for birthdays, we make a list, please stick to it.  We have stuff like subscriptions to magazines or online sites, classes the kids can take, a pass to a movie, a book esp those that the other kids can read or can be used again and again like recipe books for kids, plants that can grow and grow like roses.  If they really want to give it doesn't have to cost a lot (and I really want to teach my kids its not about the latest and greatest or how expensive the gift was, it should be something useful and long lasting), if they don't want to give or can't thats fine too.  Kids shouldn't be taught to expect gifts anyway. 

Now, my ils are still never happy when we have another.  I have gotten some really awful comments from people.  My ils with #8 we never told them.  They just realized one day I was hugely pg.  With #6, #7 and #9 we didn't tell till at least 12 weeks.  I just figure with my ms and how awful I feel I shouldn't have to deal with their crap and drama till after I feel better.  My ils just, for the first time ever, babysat our kids 3 weeks ago.  They never have anything to do with us, even when we had 1 they didn't babysit.  Maybe people just don't like kids.

[strawberryprincess]

I'm newly pregnant with #4, and I'm worried about telling everyone...esp since #3 hasn't even turned 1 yet! (He'll be 19mo when baby is due), and it was also not entirely planned.

I know that all the extended family will, in the end, be delighted by the new baby.  However, I'm bracing myself for some "What the h*** are you thinking!?" comments.  My  good friend from high school has 5, and no plans to stop having them.  My mom constantly makes comments like: how does she do it?  I just can't imagine!  (my mom had 4 kids, btw, but there are 13 years between the first and last, so she is a big believer in lots of space between them)

My MIL knows a couple who are pg with their 8th baby, and  who just told the family when she was 6/7mo along.  MIL scoffs at them, clucks her tongue, etc.  I feel so bad for this family...they don't feel they can share in the joy of new life, because their families and friends don't find it joyful.  

Like pps said, it is noone's business but your own.  I think it is wonderful that people have the choice to have as many, or as few, kids as they want.  It is so sad that other people have to question your decisions no matter what the choice is.  If you don't want children, you are brunt of nasty (you're so selfish!) comments...If you just have 1, people make comments about the poor only child.  but any more than 2, and you are over-populating, and creating a burden on everyone else.

[Oregonicmama]

I am expecting #4 (DP's 2nd, my 3rd) and the only negative comment I got was from my father who said "sounds like it's time for a vasectomy."  jerk.  I am an only child and he's not a big fan of kids, but we live in the other side of the country so I don't see why he's so bothered by it.  We don't ask for help from the family ever and he has sent the same amount of money for Christmas since I had just one kid.  Plus all his siblings have 3 kids and his grew up in a family with 4 kids (which was small for our family in that generation... everyone else has 6!)  He tends to say whatever pops into his head then he feels like a jerk later.  If it wasn't for finances I would love to have 6 kids, but he'd probably keel over and die if I told him that!  lol

[Italiamom]

I hope you will forgive me for weighing in.  I'm not a mom of many (yet).

But here would be my thoughts: some extended families have issues with personal choice and being supportive.  My extended family is this way...  I was terrified to tell them about #2, because they've come down on DH and I so hard about many of the choices we've made for our son.  My guess with your extended family is, that if it weren't a conflict about number of children, it would be a conflict about something else.

I can understand the stress of having to share happy news that you know isn't going to be met with joy.  It really hurts!  But try to keep in mind that in the end that conflict isn't about you, and that your extended family will be the ones to truly lose out in the end.

And congrats on your news!  That is wonderful!

[PreggieUBA2C]

My father's response to our first child was, "Well, you sure screwed up." My mother was silent. Then they came around when he was born. They refused to even acknowledge our second baby's presence in the womb, and I ended my relationship with them when our first was 11 months old. My parents are abusive. There were no unusual circumstances surrounding my first pg, either, as if that even mattered, but if there were, at least some apprehension could be forgiven, but not in this case.

Anyway, I have one brother who doesn't talk to me because I didn't call my grandmother on her deathbed because I didn't know her, but he did (part of the abuse situation I grew up with), so that was his last straw with me and my refusal to pretend like our family of origin is healthy.

Anyway, dp and I have five children deliberately because we are our only true family, and we want our dc to have siblings at least, and hopefully nieces and nephews and grandchildren, etc...- all of the relationships we don't have. We are the two people in our families of origin that have ended the cycles of abuse, so our children are the leaves of a new tree, and we want this sapling to grow!

Anyway, we don't tell people when we're expecting. Eventually it's obvious. :) It is supremely awesome to not have negative comments about it, too. We have surrounded our family with people who love us and who respect our choices, and who have celebrated with us with new pgs and births. I know that most people don't construct or retrofit their families, but for us, it has been liberating and healthy.

As an aside, I actually do not want to be pg anymore. I've been eight times, and my body is tired. I've met my limit for being able to live and mother with excellence. If we had a surprise, I would be overjoyed (I always am), but I am doing what I can to prevent pg. I wanted eight children, and I've had that many, with five live births, and I feel done now. My family is complete- unless we adopt years from now, which I could see under certain circumstances.

ANYWAY! Congratulations, mamas of many!!! Stop inviting party-poopers to the party! When I found out for sure that I was pg with our dd, I told my dp and dc in the van, and everyone erupted into cheers, laughter, teary eyes of joy, and genuine bright whole-face smiles. We hugged and kissed and chattered excitedly for the rest of the day about our new baby. It was awesome! I'd never tarnish that experience with grumpy naysayers, if I could help it.

[mclisa]

we're pg with #6 as well!  My parents were not at all excited when we announced that #6 was on the way.  They just looked at me strangely.  They've come around now and even surprised me with a stocking and gifts for the baby at Christmas even though we were only 20ish weeks at the time.  I think they were shocked and it took them some time, but now they are on board.

Part of it comes from how they were raised.  They each came from poor farming families.  My dad only had one sibling because they couldn't afford to have any more.  My mom has over 100 first cousins and many of them are dirt poor who struggle to take care of everything.  DH and I aren't struggling like that so it shouldn't be an issue, but for her growing up I'm sure she heard negative comments about "one more mouth to feed".

[Mamatoabunch]

As we announced #4 my MIL was so surprised, she made more comments over the years as our family grew, even so far as to imply I am making dh have so many babies. She has passed now, sadly, God rest her soul, as over time she got used to it, although wouldn't talk to me for months into my pregnancy. My FIL has not said a word to me about this baby. I feel like no one cares. Dh's brothers no longer send a card, even when we have a new baby or call.

My mom has said stuff like how I should wait x amount of time to pass before having another, etc. There are other issues though. We rarely see her, as she is not grandmotherly.

I have my friends that have many, but honestly sometimes this is a lonely road.