Rights of Adoptive Parents

[BethAnn53]

My husband and I adopted a foster child 13 years ago.  He has always been a very chanllenging child.  But we believed with a very structured home, consistent parenting and love that we would be able to bring him around.  Within the last year, basicly since he turned 13 he has become preditory to our biological daughters, he has masturbated in front of my older daughter while she was studying, waiting until we had gone to bed. He would stand in the doorway, he also, picked bathroom locks to peek while she is showering.They do not get along at all, I believe this is his way to control her.    He also,  torments the rest of the family.  We have suspected several times that he wasplaying with fire and was suspected in placeing nails behind tires of one of our employees .  He is currently being treated at a residential treatment facility, but it does not seem to be going well or particularly successful. Obviously he denies all of these incidents, as he is a pathological liar also.  What if any rights do we have to protect our family.  He will be returning home in 12 months.  I am fearful he will be bigger and scarier when he returns.  To continue to place children like this is 6 to12000 a month in a treatment facility.   He has RAD, ODD, PTSD, etc. he was adoped at four and bounced in the foster system after being abused.  Do parents have any rights, and how do you protect your family from a child you have adoped.?  We reside in CA and I am at a loss.  We have always tried to do the best for this child, but it has come to a point that he is damaging five other individuals lives.

[Smithie]

I am so sorry for your trouble. Obviously, you can't allow your son to hurt your daughter, and that would be equally true if you had given birth to him. Difference here is, you may be able to find a way to keep him in treatment that doesn't totally bankrupt you. 

You should probably talk to a lawyer. It might be easier to have him committed to a public mental health facility than to get your parental rights terminated. It really depends on the attitude of the child welfare folks. A lawyer is going to know the best approach for your state. Example - he comes out of treatment, goes right into "respite" care at a teen facility because you have built up a relationship with a social worker who understands your fear, and built up a relationship with a doctor who will say all of the right (and true!) things in his report to enable the social worker to authorize the placement. Then you have a plan, work the plan, run out the clock until he's 18, and then you're done, without any trial or anything. This is just one scenario of many possible ones. Your really do need expert advice to guide you in this. 

It would be probably be best FOR YOUR SON to have the TPR go through, because then he is officially a foster kid again and will have access to the services available to kids aging out of foster care. But some child welfare agencies are very, very loathe to admit that they've placed a child who they shouldn't have placed, and very reluctant to (re)asssume financial responsibility for the RAD treatment. 

I'm emphasizing treatment facilities, because I believe that RAD is a form of sociopathy and the only safe place for RAD teenager is in treatment. But if that's not possible, a much cheaper option exists in the form of boarding-schools-for-rich-kids-who-set-fires. This is the one near where I grew up: http://www.hyde.edu/ They are over the place, and cost 50k/yr or so. In doing something like this, you risk that your son will hurt another teenager. But your only other choice may be the near-certainty of him hurting his sisters. 

 You don't have to make a decision about this today or tomorrow, You have time to explore your options, and today, right now, your daughters are safe in their home. 

[tinuviel_k]

I'm a little confused. You mentioned that your son is 13 and that you adopted him 13 years ago, but that he was four when you adopted him?

[heatherdeg]

Originally Posted by tinuviel_k 

I'm a little confused. You mentioned that your son is 13 and that you adopted him 13 years ago, but that he was four when you adopted him?

Actually, she said:

My husband and I adopted a foster child 13 years ago.  ...  Within the last year, basicly since he turned 13 he has become preditory to our biological daughters, .... (so at this point, it looks like he's 14)  he was adoped at four  (totally possible to get him at birth and have it take 4 years to finalize, but...) and bounced in the foster system after being abused.  (this is the part I truly don't understand in the timeline)

And to that end, the question really becomes: how old is this child?  Because a lot of the answers depend on that.

[BethAnn53]

My son in now 15 1/2 he was adopted at about four,  he was abandoned in a car (mobile meth lab.)  at about 22 months, he had five mothers including myself and his birth mother in 9 months, meaning as a two yr old he had four foster mothers in 9 months.  We had him in our home at about 3 but it took an additional year or so for the adoption to go through. He started the more serious behavior at around 13, but always had attachment issues and behavioral issues.  Most were more obvious the longer he lived with us, as these children can honeymoon and charm for a very long time to protect themselves.  13 years ago, the social workers did not know much about RAD, etc.  We were told he had absolutely no issues, was bright, which he is and had no major health issues.  I believe at this time, issues that were displayed would now be recognized as problems down the road.  At that time he was identified as a bright child that was really, really, charming.

We want what is best for our adopted son, but I have three other children to consider.  He has damaged everyone in our home to some degree or another. At this point we don't know what to do,  residential treatment facilities are around  $10,000 a month and most admit they have about a 20% likely hood that they will be effective.  Many psychiatrists will tell you that they cannot be helped with the attachment but if they can make a logical decision to accept what is expected in society and choose to cooperate,  they can function. My problem is that he deals with extreme thinking errors, and it has become a real danger to everyone else in the family. 

We did things like rock and sing to him every night for almost five years, he has had a very structured environment, to ensure safety and trust.  Natural consequences etc.  private schooling in classes with about 10 children.  Teachers on speed dial, every sport, etc. that he could participate in.  Nothing has helped him.  He is not attached to anything, consequently he does not care if he loses anything, such as objects or relationships.  It is very difficult to get a child to function in society if he truly does not care what people think, or feel.  You could take away his favorite bike as a consequence or a piece of bubble gum and he would react the same.  I am at a lose as to help this child and protect his siblings and our home.     

[CrunchyChristianMama]

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.  I don't have any advice as I have never had to deal with anything like this.  I do have a family friend whose son has RAD and it has been a hard road for them as well.  Hopefully the other more experienced moms here will have some great advice for you. 

[heatherdeg]

OP:  I think the only way any of us could even attempt to offer advice is if we knew what you really WANTED for him--ya know?  Do you WANT him in a RTC?  If so, you could appeal to the state you adopted him from to pay for it.  Do you WANT to still be his parent?  Because if not, you could do a voluntary relinquish or something similar to the state.  That may sound harsh, but there are adoptive parents who have been in similar situations and it's not an easy decision or an easy road to be on.

But until we actually understand what you'd WANT for him and your family, it's hard to say what might be out there for you in terms of options--or to point you in a direction to go.  But I would start with my state's adoptive unit and their parent liaison.

RAD is an incredibly difficult road to be on and you're right--you have other children to consider.  It's not an easy position to be in.  Hugs to you.