Total Lack of a Support System

[hereyes]

Forgive me if this comes off as a little melodramatic, but that is exactly how I am feeling right now. 

I found out that I was pregnant with my first right after relocating 2 states away from my home state (and, thus, my entire family) for my husband’s job.  Being new to the area and knowing no one, I booked an appointment with the first/closest OB/Gyn that popped up on our in-network insurance search engine.  She seemed alright, but was incredibly pushy; for example:  I didn’t want the flu shot—I’ve never gotten it before and never gotten sick and I definitely didn’t want to take it while being pregnant, but she insisted with her all-knowing medical prowess and “it’s best for you and the baby” until I gave up and caved in.  I’m not good at confrontations anyhow.  At 31 weeks, we finally talked “Birth Plan”…and mine, well, mine went right out the window.  It was all “it’s MY delivery room” and “no exceptions rules” to this and “I don’t like working with one extreme or the other” that.  I understand that one has to have an open mind and be willing to accept the possibility of things not going as planned during birth (because I’m sure they rarely do).  But I had this sinking feeling that I’d just lost control of MY birth, the entire experience was now up to her, not me and my baby.

I discussed it with my husband and we decided that if we were going to take control we were going to go all out and do it at home with a midwife for a water birth.  This brought on a whole new set of issues (I’ve posted about this elsewhere on the boards).  And, unfortunately, the MW we had been in contact with changed her mind about taking me on as a client because I couldn’t secure an OB backup that would take me on as a new patient and was willing to work with a MW so late in the pregnancy.  At this point, when she up and decided “sorry”, I was already 37 weeks pregnant.  I desperately searched for another MW, but found none that didn’t require payment in full prior to 38 weeks (the first MW was willing to take installments even after the birth which is exactly what our financial situation called for).

Having spent 6 weeks watching waterbirth/homebirth videos and reading testimonials and lurking around the forums here in preparation for the birth with the MW…I knew I couldn’t give up on the experience even after the whole thing fell apart.  I had already purchased my own birthing tub, knowing I would use it for subsequent births as well.

Now, every fiber of my being says to try for an U(water)C.  I have complete faith in my body and my baby.  I am not completely oblivious to the fact that something may go wrong and I have it set in my mind that I can deal with them accordingly.  I will monitor fetal heart tones throughout the labor to make sure that she is not in distress.  I have no objection to transferring to the hospital if something just doesn’t feel right or feels like it’s taking too long to progress.  Better safe than sorry.  But I want the opportunity to try it on my own.

My husband is soooo NOT on board.  He has even gone so far as to take it to facebook; where, of course, all of our mutual acquaintances are verbally stoning me for even thinking about a UC.  I understand that he is scared.  He is okay with me laboring at home in the birthing tub, but insists/demands that I transfer to the hospital well before transition.  He just says, “Shouldn’t a father have a say?” to which I can only reply, “Shouldn’t a mother?”

What’s worse is that my own mother took 2 weeks of vacation to drive up here and be with me.  She is still under the impression that the MW is working with us.  I have an inkling that she will probably be in the same boat as my husband when I break the news to her.  She has vaginally delivered 6 children in the hospital.

So much for a support system and birth plan that is conducive to a pregnant woman’s physical, social and psychological needs.  This is exactly what I was trying to avoid…being pushed around…

What do I do?  All I can do is cry.

[Rainystar66]

Oh I am so sorry (((hugs))).   This is such a rough place for you to be in so close to delivering!   I don't have any great advice or wisdom, I can't believe you husband would be so unsupported as to take his negative debate to facebook...  I would be so upset and appalled I would probably inform my husband that if he couldn't be supportive I would be checking into a hotel and staying until I birthed peacefully on my own!

[Mamatoabunch]

I am so sorry, but utterly appalled at your dh's behavior.

[hereyes]

Originally Posted by Rainystar66 

Oh I am so sorry (((hugs))).   This is such a rough place for you to be in so close to delivering!   I don't have any great advice or wisdom, I can't believe you husband would be so unsupported as to take his negative debate to facebook...  I would be so upset and appalled I would probably inform my husband that if he couldn't be supportive I would be checking into a hotel and staying until I birthed peacefully on my own!

I did imply something like this.  He is a restaurant manager and works very long hours...I told him I don't have to call him to have him come home or even let him know when things start happening.  I am starting to think that it really would be better to just be completely alone

[newsolarmomma2]

I'm sorry for your situation, your OB sounds awful, I hope she is at least skilled because her bedside manner sucks! I can see wanting to do whatever it takes to avoid her. And the MW- what a dissapointment that must have been. I am sorry it went this way. What a shame you saw 2 providers and neither one was helpful.

It's tough when your partner isn't on board with what you want, but as hard as it can be, try to remember that he loves you, and is only doing what he thinks is best, as are your FB friends. It IS a little weird for him to take such a personal thing to the web like that, but this makes me think he is really worried. Can you see why this is scary for him? You may have been learning a bunch, but all he envisions is danger. You know that 99% of the time, things go just fine, all he sees is the 1%. Have you shared your plan for that 1% with him? Find what's freaking him out and work it into the transfer plan, .

Maybe if you let him choose some guidelines on when you would transfer, it will help make an agreement you will like. Like, if x, y, or z happens, you will go to the hospital asap. Let him do a just in case, hospital test run. Men often feel powerless when their partner is in labor, letting him contribute to the plan will  help him feel he is doing a good job protecting you. There are some great stories on this forum about UCs that successfully transferred, this may help him realize that help is available.

I'm sure you two can come to a compromise, and  its best if you do, as you will want and need him to be confident and supportive of you when the day comes. You're most of the way there already- he was on board with the water birth and MW.

You said yourself you have no support network where you are, but the lack of family can be a good thing if no one agrees with your choices (birthing, parenting, whatever). Imagine having to hear all those people in person! I know all about being alone, me and my DH (and now DS) live 3,000 miles away from our families, in another country. I miss my parents, I don't miss the constant nagging about our familys choices.  

On a practical note,if he doesn't want you to UC, and doesn't learn the things he needs to be able to help you, you will really be on your own. If you think you can manage the heart monitoring and such while in heavy labor, then more power to you!!! Others have been able to do it, so why not you? My big worry would be shoulder dystocia, since it requires a second person to resolve, and is more common compared to other issues like abruption. If nothing else, make sure he also learns about this, PPH, and infant resucitation.  B  Just b!!!!!!J                                                              

Just keep being honest with yourself about your abilities, and really listen to what your body is telling you- when  I read all the UC stories, it struck me how so many UC mamas knew when to transfer by listening and not questioning the bodies wisdom. You will be just fine. I only bring up transferring so much because I think discussing it will help with your man.

I can't help with UC advice, I didn't get to have one-yet, I had a CS and it was great (much to my surprise). It was funny, I'd never had any intuition or gut feelings that were reliable, but when I went into labor I JUST KNEW my son was stuck. Just knew it. No reason to think this, everything was normal for the first 30+ hours. It was my first bit of mothers intuition and I followed it. When I went in, I told the doc this and asked for a CS, but he said NO- I sure felt vindicated when my doc had to actually reach in and work to unstick him, his head was too big and was tightly wedged in- like a cork in a bottle. All that to say, if you listen to that little voice, you will be OK, and if you do end up at the hospital, it doesn't have to be bad (you would be likely to get a different doc anyway- jeez, I sure hope so!).

Best wishes,can't wait to hear your story. (sorry for the weird B!!! , I couldn'tedit it out!)

[hereyes]

The man is terrified.  We've been together for 8+ years and I know that he can't stand to see me in pain nor can he really handle the sight of blood (the man would freak out when we'd have sex while I was menstruating...."omg, is that normal?!", "there's so much", "are you okay"...uhm, yes, no it's not that much, and not if you keep freaking out like a little girl, here's a towel ).  Even now, if he sees me holding my belly a certain way he looks at me and says, "Are you okay? You're holding your belly like you're in pain! Do I need to take you to the hospital?"  It's cute, but also really annoying.  He's that guy that you'd see either fainting in the delivery room, or getting screamed at to leave the room and then sitting in the waiting room all bug-eyed, chewing his nails until they bleed like a strung out heroin addict.

He has a serious problem with drawing other people into our personal lives when it's a debate that he thinks he's wholeheartedly right about, and, let's face it, he thinks he's always right.  Which he then uses as ammo against me.  And, of course, there are a lot more people on his side...in fact, everyone who replied to that post on facebook was on his side...mostly men, but there were the very opinionated women that also blatantly expressed the tone of "she's crazy", "there are hospitals for a reason", and "you have every right to force her to go".  Plus, my mom is also his friend on facebook, so now she knows as well...but all she posted was, "I thought there was a MW."  AAARRRRGGGG!    Now I have to try to deal with THAT.

But I guess I really can't complain about him going to facebook...because I came here looking for support--except I mostly got condolences and I can't really use that against him .  The only difference is that here there are people who understand my side, while on there I am berated for being a total idiot and apparently jeopardizing my own life and the life of my unborn child. 

...ON THE FLIP SIDE...

After spending a whole day crying and moping around the house refusing to talk to him, I think he caved.  He climbed into bed to the sound of my muffled sobs and said, "Is this something you really want to do?"  to which I didn't reply.  Then he said, "Well, I guess I should go out and buy a baby scale because I want to know how much my baby weighs when she comes out."  I saw this as a mere glimmer of hope, but then he went to bed, so I assumed he would probably change his mind in the morning...

...but now it's, "If you can do this, you are the strongest woman I know....well, you already are...but still."

He has taken to watching some home water birth videos and tonight we will discuss what scenarios will require immediate transfer vs. others that can safely be managed at home first. 

Thanks for the advice newsolarmomma2 and support!

[homebirthing]

I am an apprenticing midwife who lives in Minnesota and attends births here and in western Wisconsin. I say that because I haven't ever heard of midwives in Wi have OB backup. Is this something that just she wants? Or something that you see all of the midwives in Milwaukee want?

I am sorry that you are caught up in this drama. I hope for you a fast easy and lovely birth!! You can do it!

[hereyes]

Originally Posted by homebirthing 

I am an apprenticing midwife who lives in Minnesota and attends births here and in western Wisconsin. I say that because I haven't ever heard of midwives in Wi have OB backup. Is this something that just she wants? Or something that you see all of the midwives in Milwaukee want?

I am sorry that you are caught up in this drama. I hope for you a fast easy and lovely birth!! You can do it!

I only contacted two midwives, the two that came most highly recommended in the area, and both were adamant about having an OB backup especially for a first time pregnancy -- despite a totally normal, healthy pregnancy.  The first said that she could forego her rule about the OB backup when I expressed my difficulty in getting any of her associate OBs to take me on as a new patient so late--this process alone took weeks of back and forth and phone tag, but that she really wasn't comfortable with it...and, ultimately, that was the reason she gave me for not wanting to continue further with me as a client.  After telling the second midwife my dilemma, she agreed that she also prefers to have an OB backup willing to work with a midwife, she had different associate OBs, and even said that it wasn't entirely necessary given a healthy pregnancy but a preference; however, I was unable to continue with her because of the financial aspect.  Both midwives knew that I had been seeing an OB since the beginning of the pregnancy, but both were uncomfortable with the idea of continuing care with a none-the-wiser OB and then only going to the hospital to have the OB deliver in the event of a transfer.

Thank you!  Ctx are keeping me awake right now, so hopefully she'll be here soon!

[Lisa1970]

Your husband is being awful. He should not be taking your marriage issues outside of your marriage. His posting about it on facebook was awful, rude, and nasty. I am livid he did that. 

I think you should go for your UC. Thing is, your dh removed himself from the decision making loop when he decided to talk about you and try to get his friends to gang up on you. I suggest finding people, through here and otherwise, who UC in your area, and draw your support from them. I am so sorry ((((hugs))))

[LadyJennifer]

How are you doing? Did you have the baby yet? Hope everything goes/went well for you!

[douladianne]

 Anxious to hear your birth story and hope everything went just as you had hoped :0)

[Almi]

Ugh, I'm so sorry.  I was lucky to have a supportive partner, and he was especially supportive after we researched homebirth and watched videos together.  He caught both of our twins, and it was just the two of us.  It was not scary at all for either of us, and he's a very high strung person.  I really hope that your husband has indeed come around to the idea, because I strongly believe that daddy is a good person to have at your birth, if no one else.  It is good to have someone there in case you need help (or to transfer to the hospital).  I found out that I was not able to catch my own babies.  Lol.

By the way, I opted for zero monitoring during my labor.  I would not have stood for it, and if the findings were "bad," it would have just stressed me out.  My babies came out fast because I was able to labor with absolutely no distractions (aside from my mom coming over and letting herself in, but my partner came to the rescue and didn't even let her past the doorway =D).

[lizzie]

I hope hope HOPE your DH stayed supportive and worked through his fears with you! And that you're doing well! Hope to hear back from you soon!