Having babies really close in age...Help me work through my fear!

[strawberryprincess]

Since becoming a parent, my biggest fear has been having babies less than 2 years apart.  Ok, I know that is kinda silly and I know lots and lots of people with babies closer than 2 years...some even just barely 1 year apart!  I know that it works out in the end for them, but it still seems really rough going through it!  So, here I am, 5ish weeks pregnant with #4, when #3 is just 11mo.  He'll be just 19mo when the new baby arrives.  I'm not as freaked out about this as I thought I would be...but definetly worried and scared. 

i feel like it is so unfair to my little guy. He is still nursing quite frequently, though he eats pretty well (my only baby to actually like solid foods before 18mo old) and he's already huge...26lbs (or more) now.  So, when my milk supply dries up (as I know it will, since it happened in my second pregnancy--dd was 2, and I didn't mind her weaning) he won't nutritionally need the milk, and I know it is more about closeness, bonding, etc in the second year anyway...but I don't want him to wean prematurely.  I know my milk has changed already, he's been screaming at the breast a lot, like he's mad or frustrated with it. Even though I am open to tandem nursing, I fear he will get fed-up with the breast soon. Also, he is not a good sleeper--he's up much of the night and needs me to hold him through much of his naps.  While this doesn't bother me normally, I'm worried that I won't get the rest my body requires, and how in the heck am I going to cope when a new baby requires constant holding and nursing, etc.as well?  I know things will change in 8months time, but I still worry that maybe they won't change enough...

I guess I feel like ds2 is not going to "be the baby" for as long as my other 2, and I am sad for him.  I am also really worried about the logistics of juggling a newborn, toddler and two school-age kids at the same time!  I feel like my oldest gets a significant lack of attention as it is....

I'm also worried that maybe my body hasn't fully healed from my last pregnancy, and it may become a more difficult, or painful, pregnancy.

My worries go on, but I will stop adding to the list for now :)

So mamas with lots of babies...and mamas with close babies..how do you cope?  Please share any thoughts or pieces of wisdom that may ease my fears...or help me think of other things to consider: what haven't I worried about yet?

Thanks for listening, anyway!

[windymama]

The gap's a bit larger but my first two are 22 mo apart.  The gap between my 2nd and this baby will be just shy of 24 mo but will likely feel like less as DD is slightly delayed developmentally.

I like that they're close in age.  It makes the first couple of years crazy but then you're not far enough out of a stage to resent starting over again.  I know from experience that my kids will likely be close and seem to be close even now.  My sister and I are about a year apart and I've always had someone to play with growing up and while we're not super close, I still consider her a friend.

The good thing about babies is that they take about 9 months to arrive.  Your DS will be that much older and you have all that time to start transitioning him from being the baby to big brother.  I wondered how DS would cope with DD but he did just fine.  I'm even more worried about DD but in the past few weeks she's matured and I think she'll handle a younger sibling as well as can be expected of someone her age.

Be forwarned - I've been getting lots of remarks about the age gap from people, many of them rude, and I imagine you will too.  People think we're crazy for having them so close together but it works for us.  I don't want my kids 4 or 5 years apart.  I've learned to ignore them as best I can and focus on good things like my maternity clothes are still current and my kids will be into the same things around the same time and they seem to really like sharing a bedroom.

HTH

[mayfly83]

I am still expecting my first child.  But my brother and I are a year apart, and I can attest that I have a very close and loving relationship with my mother, and was by all accounts a very happy baby, toddler and child, despite "losing my baby status" at 1 year. 

From what my mother tells me, the transition was slightly harder on her, as I became decidedly more independent pretty much as soon as my brother finally came home from the hospital.  But she eventually came to view this less as a rejection and more as another aspect of my developing personality.  I think the personality of the baby-to-be-displaced will have a large effect on how easy or hard things are on you.   I still liked to sit with her, though, when she nursed my brother, and that helped her still feel that closeness with me.

My brother and I had a fun childhood together and have a great relationship these days (although we scuffled a bit in our early teenage years).  We grew up together, and having a playmate close to my own age around was a lot of fun.  As an adult, I appreciate that we are at the same stage of life, and can be genuine friends.

[kawa kamuri]

I was in the same place a few months ago - freshly/surprise pregnant with an 11mo. My LO is now 15mo and I'm 19w pregnant. In the last few months I went from mourning the inevitable change in our nursing relationship to mostly losing my milk, dreading when she (now infrequently) nurses because it hurts so bad. I don't know how it will all play out, I'm staying tuned! I went from nursing her many times a night, cosleeping to her in the room with my other daughter and mostly sleeping through the night. I needed to sleep. She and I put in a lot of hard work to get us there and it's the best place for both of us. I went from having a great naper to a barely naper. Still working on that. 

I too was worried about how my poor, old body would handle pregnancy at 11m postpartum. I rest as much as I can, stay away from martyrdom, see a chiropractor and love myself so that I can be present and loving for my children. I ache and hurt but no more than I did with a 3y age gap. I'm REALLY tired. These are my most closely spaced babies. My mom had 4 in 4 years. I have no idea how she did it but she says she doesn't remember it being awful or very hard.  

In June I'll have a newborn, a toddler, a not-in-school preschooler, one each in elementary, middle and HS. People ask all the time how do you do it??? and I honestly answer that I have no idea, I just do it. I say I didn't have them all at once, they came one at a time and I adjusted. Every time I have a baby it seems impossible. I have no idea how everything will get done, how it's even doable. It seems like the first time every time and it is, in some ways. Every time I have a baby it's bittersweet to lose my old baby/gain a new baby in that spot. All I know is that it works out, I find my niche and rhythm and I cannot and do not want to imagine going back to where I was. 

It was a hard road but I'm happy where I am right now. Getting through the 1st tri was rough! But now I can feel the new baby moving, I know he's a he and am content with the course I'm on. Continue to seek out commiseration and support. Much love to you and your family. 

[nadia105]

My first two were only 20 months apart and #2 was my easiest birth by far, it didn't take any more of a toll on my body or anything (I was  also 22, which was probably in my favor).

It can be intense having two young enough to need you a lot, but it can be really nice too.  Once your youngest is a bit older, they aren't too far off of each other in terms of what they like to play with and things, and they can play together.

[tracymom1]

Kawa, your beautiful post brought tears to my eyes.  So well said, mama.

See, the thing is, it feels so overwhelming at the beginning.  New pregnancy is hard - new pregnancy with an 11 month old is outrageous.  Mine will all be less than 2 years apart - I have been pregnant a total of 4 times in the last 3.5 years (counting a mc).  I am tired, and have a laundry list of complaints and concerns.... but at the end of the day, all I am is me, plain and simple.  And I get through it - some days are harder than others, and believe me, I have my "oh crap, what am I thinking?" moments, but the sun always sets and rises the next day - with it, I do too.

I worried so much about things like naptime, dividing attention, logistics of everything, but really, in the end, it all works itself out.  My wise SIL once said to me that the most important word you will carry around with you as a mother is "surrender".  Everything will change and it will all be great.  Seriously! 

You are not taking anything away from your DS by having another baby so close in age -on the contrary, mama, you are giving him an amazing gift.  The gift of a younger sibling to walk through life with.  How amazing!

[Smokering]

I hear ya - having close-in-age babies is probably one of my greatest fears too! (Although DD will be three and three months when this new baby is born, and we were dealing with "time to have another" comments since she was about a year old - around here, it seems that having kids more than 2 years apart in age is tantamount to child abuse! So you'll always get rude comments, whatever happens...)

That said, I'm the third of three closely-spaced children (with three more younger siblings, but bigger gaps between them!). And it's awesome. I can't promise it was awesome for Mum during our toddler years - although she did deliberately TTC me, so she must have been coping! - but when we were teenagers aged, 17, 15 and 14 it was really great. And all grown up it's great too - we were even asked if we were triplets once! It was really good being able to share similar "life-stage" stuff - I got the benefit of my older sister's advice on going to Uni, and so on. When I decided to space our children out more, I actually felt guilty that DD wouldn't get those super-close-in-age siblings I had. (And I'm sorta hoping this baby is a girl, because if it isn't she might not get a sister for another three or four years... or, you know, possibly at all, but I'd really like her to have a sister close in age.)

[kawa kamuri]

Originally Posted by tracymom1 

Kawa, your beautiful post brought tears to my eyes.  So well said, mama.

 and ditto ditto ditto

[Mamatoabunch]

I can guarantee that things will not fall apart and ALL will work out more beautifully than you ever imagined. There may be difficult periods, but it will be ok! Most of mine are 20-23 months apart. I also have twins too. And my 9th and 10th are 12 months a 3 days apart. A routine works great for us, a planned menu, so I am not freaking out at 4pm. A rhythm to our day. I also pray, pray for God's grace everyday. It isn't an easy road, but it is very fulfilling. I worry every time about how this new person will fit in, how I will manage, but I just do. 

[Buddhamom]

My oldest two are 23 mo. apart and we loved it.  But way back 20 yrs. ago DH was able to work nights at that company so he could be home during the day because we thought that was best and that really helped a lot.  Because even when he was sleeping I would put the infant to sleep with him and I only had to take care of our toddler until the baby's feeding time.  Like everyone else says, you just manage and you will get a routine down quickly that works.  No worries, it's all good!

[donutmolly]

Oh man!  When I got pg with #3, I was freaking out!  The idea of having kiddos only 19mo apart scared me so much!  I mourned for DD2 losing out on being the baby and worried about her weaning, and then worried about how I was going to handle 3 young kids.  When I was only a couple of days before my due date, DD2 was having a very normal toddler tantrum in the frozen foods aisle, and I was close to tears wondering how I was going to deal with a newborn and this little monkey.

What has been amazing is that DD2 actually didn't wean while I was pg -- even though I was sure she would since she wasn't much of a comfort nurser.  She didn't end up minding the lack of milk, but didn't gain any weight while I was pg (despite a great appetite for table food...)  She was thrilled to nurse after DD3 was born and gained 5lbs in about 2 months from all that rich new milk.  She was also a chunky baby who had plenty of chub to grow into, so that did alleviate some of my worries.

And DD3 has been by far my "easiest" baby, more content and a better sleeper.  I feel truly blessed that she arrived when she did.  And she and DD2 are so close!  Even at their young ages, DD2 is very sweet and loving towards her sister and DD3 adores and copies everything DD2 does.  Their relationship is much different than with my oldest, DD1 who is just under 3 yrs older than DD2. 

There are definitely challenges.  But, on the whole, it's worked out really wonderfully.  I'm due with another closely-spaced kiddo soon, and I do have my moments of freaking out, mostly about how I will cope is this next baby is colicky/high needs.  But, a baby like that is challenging no matter how many kids you have, and we made it through with DD1 who was very fussy, so I'm sure that we'll do fine.

[Kitty1]

Mine will be almost 21 months apart...you're not alone. A surprise blessing...:)

[katroshka]

When my first DD was 7 months old I found out I was pregnant again. I was really sad, really scared. I would look at DD and just cry, thinking she wouldn't get as much love and attention, and how unfair it was for her. When my milk dried up when she was about 10 or 11 months I was REALLY heartbroken (note: lots of women's milk DOES NOT dry up, this is not a given).

Then DD2 was born, and DD1 was soooo happy. She was only 15 months old, but she was running up and down the hospital hallways saying baby baby baby! She ran into someone else's room because she heard a baby cry- she burst into the room and yelled Baby! Everyone in there was totally charmed. She finally fell asleep about 5 minutes before DD2 was born, at 2 am. When my mom brought her in she got a huge smile, my mom walked her up to my bed and she immediately leaned over and kissed DD2 on the forehead. Then she opened her mouth and looked inside, haha. One of the cutest, most amazing moments in my whole life, it still brings tears to my eyes.

My daughters are now 8 and 9, and are best friends. They have mostly the same friends, hang out together at school, play together all the time, and are just great sisters. They are incredibly confident and socially adept, and I often think that they are probably like that because they had each other through early childhood. They always had each other at the playground, so they never felt shy and awkward with the other kids.

Yes, it was harder at first, with a newborn and toddler... I remember DD1 delighting in doing "bad" things like turning off my computer and cackling about it because she knew I was nursing the baby and couldn't get up to stop her. That being said, I am now pregnant with DD3, and planning on having #4 within 18 months of her being born because I want her to have the blessing of a close sibling like my older two did.

Plus, they really stay out of my hair because they are so busy with each other, and for this only child that really never learned how to play, that is really a blessing for me!