What to do about Friends? Adult friends

[mrsbernstein]

Hello!

I apologize if this is in the wrong section.  My first little one is due this summer.  And we are thrilled!  And i know this question won't come up for awhile yet...but it's been floating around in our mind.

DH and I have some friends who that we like very much and have known for 6 years.  We originally met them in church, and at the time, our families were relatively on the same wave-length.  Not exactly the same...but near enough.

As the years have gone on, we no longer attend the same church (it broke up), but we have remained friends.  While my husband has tried to remain close to a church (it's taken a while to find a new one), this family has completely turned their back on it.  Which, of course, is their choice.

Ok...so this REALLY is going somewhere!  I KNOW we are NOT perfect people!  I KNOW THAT!  

So here's what makes me nervous.  This past spring, the husband remodeled our bathrooms and was supposed to do our kitchen.  His language and demenor were horrible. He actually used words in my house...that I TOLD him were not acceptable.  And I'm not talking "small" curse words.  These were bad. Really bad.  And their whole attitude is very negative.

Anyway, after the bathrooms were done, we did NOT ask them to come back and do the kitchen.  I know some feelings were hurt...but I couldn't take it.  I'm home all day, and could FEEL the tone of my whole house change when they would walk in the door for a day's work.

If you're still with me...here's where I'm going with this.  After the job was done, I said to my husband one day: "I love them, but if we had children, I don't know that I would want to be friends with them.  I wouldn't want my little one around them."  And now...after YEARS of trying...here we are.

Am I a horrible friend?  It's ok...you can be honest.  

Thank you!

Mrs B

[AbbieB]

No, you are not horrible. Children change everything. Friends grow apart. 

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Originally Posted by AbbieB 

No, you are not horrible. Children change everything. Friends grow apart. 

^This!

Honey, I had a friend once I really liked a lot. She was a jazzy, funny, smart, devoted friend. I really enjoyed my time with her, DH, didn't really enjoy my time with her. Her boyfriend was a horrible guy, He was so mean and nasty to her it wasn't funny...but that wasn't the half of it. During the course of their relationship, he started selling drugs (REAL drugs) (he was keeping them in their home!) and embraced a really risky lifestyle...cheating on her with prostitutes, being very emotionally and mentally abusive toward her, the whole nine.

This was bizarre stuff for me, because that sort of lifestyle is like, the OPPOSITE of the way we live and we don't know anyone else who runs in those sorts of circles. DH would be so upset when I'd go there, worried that the police would raid her house and I'd get caught up in a sting operation or unsettled at the thought of druggie types coming around or whatever.

BUT..the girl had been my friend for a few years and was SO good to me and I really, really loved her. Then, she got pregnant and bought a house with him. She made a choice...a really, really weird choice. Somehow, this bright, straight laced, hard working, SUCCESSFUL woman, decided this guy was good husband/father/"forever" material (even though he already had two kids he didn't care for) and she started a family with him. Not long after that, my husband and I were pregnant with my DD.

All of the sudden it wasn't just me going to visit my really nice friend in a really bizarre and totally not "me" situation...it was me and my unborn baby. I didn't want to be around there. So I started having her over to my house more...but then it was all this talk about "Oh, our kids are going to grow up together and they can have birthday parties together" and on and on like that. I looked at her life...and I couldn't, not for even one minute, see me in it with this new baby of mine. Drugs, shifty characters, a guy who once, when she told him she was being driven crazy to the point where she felt like she wanted to die by his abuse and mind games, went out to the shed and grabbed a step stool and a rope, threw them at her and then went out of town for two days....that's not stuff that can be in my kids circle. Not even on the outside of that circle.

So I phased her out. By the time I was half way through my pregnancy, we were no longer speaking. She was so angry at me...she didn't understand at all. But by that time, she was pregnant again and having lots of out of control parties at her house and really weird stuff. She just had to go with the flow of her SOs downward spiral because of that choice she made.

She has not met my kids, she doesn't know where I live. It really makes me sad sometimes, I really miss her. It was painful to put her out of my life...but she was going down down down and I was trying to make my life ready for kids. If she had been actively trying to lift herself above the crap, to make way for her own babies, that would have been an indication to me to stick it out...but she was getting worse and worse.

When your kids are young, you have control over more. You can look at the landscape of their lives and decide what stays and what goes. It's really important that your kids have a lot of perspectives around them, people from different walks of life makes for an interesting upbringing and is to be encouraged...but you are the parent and you are entitled to your values and should try and instill the best of them into your children.

Whether or not they go to church, how much money they have, what they do...all of these things are secondary to whether an individual is a fine example of a human or not. NOT perfect, we all know that doesn't exist....but if you can look past imperfections and say "that is a FINE human" let them be a part of the landscape. If they walk into your house and your skin crawls and the energy of the whole place shifts....yeah, you know the answer to this question.

Mama = gatekeeper. Be unapologetic in your insistence that people actively promoting values you loathe are not around your children.

[crunchy_mommy]

You're not horrible!! I wouldn't want to be around that myself, never mind expose my kid to it...

But I will say, they could surprise you. I've seen many people be on their "best behavior" when a child is present. Not everyone tones it down for the kids, but it's possible your friends would, especially if you let them know your concerns... Or you could just hang out with them without the kid (i.e. double date or get together after kid is in bed).

I guess I'm saying, be prepared to do what you have to do, friends grow apart (ESPECIALLY after one couple has a baby), but don't jump the gun & cut them out prematurely, particularly if you otherwise value their friendship. :)

[rightkindofme]

Hey, I probably use the words you are offended by--even around my kids.  So understand that you are not preaching to the choir. ;)  What is more important to you: being a good friend or being a good mother?  If you feel like spending time around these people will be bad for your children you should not do it.  They are grown ups and get to be responsible for the repercussions of their actions.  Just like I deal with the fact that there are some people who don't want to be around me because of my language.  That's ok.  :)  Really.  Even if it hurts in the moment they are making a choice as much as you are by not respecting the boundaries you have expressed.

[aphel]

Originally Posted by mrsbernstein 

He actually used words in my house...that I TOLD him were not acceptable.  And I'm not talking "small" curse words.  These were bad. Really bad.  And their whole attitude is very negative.

I think is the important part. Maybe they don't go to church anymore, maybe they don't live with the same ideals you used to share, and those things could be ok. But if you are asking this man not to do something in your presence, and he is refusing to not use foul language in your home, then that is not ok.

[dakotablue]

Horrible friend...no

Great parent YES!

I know its hard having to loose people that are in your life, especially when its hard to find friends who are on the same page with belief or really anything that are a couple that both people in the couple like...

BUT we are as best we can be filters for our children. We have lost friends when we got married (because of disagreements about acceptable and unacceptable behavior, like pressure to go out in the middle of the night with no plans as to when to return and only one car...how selfish of Dh to not take them all the way to Atlantic City ( which is 1.5hr away from here)

We also lost friends when we had DS. Lifestyles don't always fit anymore. I can't leave at the drop of a hat and I can't go to that awesome new restaurant that kids would defiantly not be welcome.

Congratulations BTW!!!!!! Its so wonderful!!!! Enjoy this baby don't allow this situation to take any of your joy.

[mrsbernstein]

Rightkindofme,

Thank you for your reply.  It's so wierd to try and put into words exactly what bugs me about these friends and the thought of having them around my baby.  We have another set of friends where the husband also has horrible language.  HOWEVER, he knows we do NOT use the "F"-word in our house...and even though he uses it as HIS house like water...he does NOT use it at our house.  In fact, we have mutliple friends who use really bad language "out" in the world...but respect that their are certain (not ALL) words I don't want used in MY house.  So I know it can happen!  :-)  I don't have friends who only have clean mouths!  :-)

It's not that they no longer go to church.  It's not that we are in different socio-economic places in life.  It's just, well, there aren't really words.  

For the most part, I am an upbeat, positive person.  The woman-friend is NOT.  Every day is a bad day for her.  And while I used to always ask her, "How is your day going?"  Now, I only ask, "What are you doing today?"  They constantly fight.  When I say out loud why I don't want to socialize with them around my baby, I sound judgemental to ME!  But in my gut...I'm just not comfortable.

We do see each other about once every couple of weeks.  But we talk on IM every day.  And I have almost ended our friendship a few times over the care and keeping of their animals.  I realize not everyone can "baby" their furbabies like we do ours...but the way they treat their animals is heart-breaking (to me). 

I think Averysmama pretty much touched-on what my gut is saying in the fact that right now, as an adult, I don't have a problem being friends with them.  BUT, these are NOT people who I feel are going to be friends I want my children to "look-up to".

Thank you all for your replies!  I feel a little better about what I think is going to happen to this friendship as baby gets here and is older. Oh, and just to say, my husband has no problem with us lessening/cutting-off the friendship.  He likes this couple...but also agrees with me that he's not sure HE wants our baby in that atmosphere.

THANK YOU!

Mrs B

[K1329]

I'll think you'll find that friendships naturally evolve after having a child. Some friends will drift away, some will stay the same, and you'll make some new ones along the way. But, I also agree with crunchy mommy... that behavior many find acceptable around adults will be curtailed when children are present. I have many friends who curse around adults, but, don't use that language around kids.