My 2 yr. old DS does not like to kiss and hug Daddy .

[Momofjames]

I know this sounds very silly, but my son does not like to kiss and hug his daddy. I did not think it was a big deal and figured he would come around in his own time. The problem is it is making my husband very angry. (Not sure who the real child is here).  Tonight he got so angry with him he was yelling at him and saying, "Are you serious?" while my son was screaming his head off to be  put down.  Then he finally  put him down and said to him, "Just stay away from me then, and don't expect me to play with you."

Then he looked at me and said that kid has a problem and I don't know if it is my fault or yours, but he should be kissing both of us daily without a problem.

I just took DS to his room and got him calmed down as he was still crying at this point. I rocked him and read to him and generally just loved on him.

After he was asleep I tried to talk to my husband and explain to him that I felt trying to force the issue was only going to make it worse and he would never get the result he wanted.

His answer was, "well then it is going to get worse and me and him are going to have problems if he doesn't get over this."

He seems to think there is something wrong with DS, while I think it is just a 2 year old trying to discover where he ends and we begin and trying to assert his own will.

Not sure what to do at this point. If anyone has any suggestions please let me know.

I just don't want this to escalate and cause a separation between the 2 of them, but I also don't want DS hurt, feeling like his Daddy doesn't love him unless he does everything exactly the way he is commanded to.

[Chamomile Girl]

Your "D"H needs a reality check.  He is dealing with a two year old and he needs to be an adult.  Feelings hurt or not your husband is not dealing with his emotions appropriately. 

This in particular worries me:

His answer was, "well then it is going to get worse and me and him are going to have problems if he doesn't get over this."

Is he serious or just blowing off steam?  If he is serious that is troublesome and sounds abusive.  The whole thing makes me very sad for your DS.

What happens when you call your husband on his behavior? Is he able to step away and see his actions as inappropriate?  What happens when he is alone with your son?  Can he step up and be a parent or is he unable to separate from his hurt feelings?  Does this only happen when hugs and kisses are demanded or whenever your DS is held by your DH?  It might be that your DS is just not a snuggly type with anyone but you...and there is nothing wrong with that.

[rightkindofme]

Holy cow!  That is totally inappropriate!  Yeah, great way to make your kid want to be affectionate with you.  I would have a serious chat with him.  I would start by saying, "You know how sometimes you have a bad day and you don't really want to be affectionate?  How about if I start hitting you with a big stick and telling you that you HAVE TO BE AFFECTIONATE RIGHT NOW!!!!  Is that going to work?  Yelling at a two year old like that and threatening to get meaner is a very similar thing.  Not a great strategy."

Good luck.  That sounds like a very hard situation. :(

[azzeps]

I just wanted to say we have similar issues in our house.  Our DD kisses and hugs me way more than she does her Daddy, plus she is continually hitting, pinching, scratching and otherwise beating up on him, and she very rarely, if ever, does that to me.  It REALLY hurts his feelings.  He gets really upset.  I don't know why she does it.  Like, for example, we all wake up in the morning, and he rolls over and says, "good morning" and she screams and hits him.  Totally unprovoked. 

I'm not sure what my point is except that I can see how maddening and upsetting it would be for your DH. 

[Courtney-Ostaff]

Daddy is the one with the problem.  If small child is slow to warm up, or transitions slow, it's perfectly normal in a 2 yr old.  He needs to adjust his attitude and his expectations, or he can kiss the relationship with the kid goodbye.  If he's tense about it, then the kid will pick up on that.  And besides, no one likes to have affection demanded of them!!  He needs to apologize to the child for forcing affection from him, and do something nonphysical -- watch some cartoons, or something -- together.  When the child is ready, the affection will come.

[PiggyPiggyOinkOink]

Your husband sounds like his feelings are hurt because he figured his child would always show affection. He's of course reacting to it badly, and causing more problems with the situation. But I understand his hurt. Because my DS would do the same to me. He VERY obviously preferred his dad over me, and for a long time, I was actually quite sure DS didn't even like me. I still showed him affection but didn't expect any in return for a while. Then one day, I can't remember how old DS was, he started hugging and kissing me on his own, and now he even tells me he loves me sometimes. He's 3.5 now and he is more ready to share affection with everyone in our family, not just DH. But Daddy still gets the most of his affections. That's just how it goes.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Courtney-Ostaff 

Daddy is the one with the problem.  If small child is slow to warm up, or transitions slow, it's perfectly normal in a 2 yr old.  He needs to adjust his attitude and his expectations, or he can kiss the relationship with the kid goodbye.  If he's tense about it, then the kid will pick up on that.  And besides, no one likes to have affection demanded of them!!  He needs to apologize to the child for forcing affection from him, and do something nonphysical -- watch some cartoons, or something -- together.  When the child is ready, the affection will come.

Yup.  I think you should have a conversation with DH - when neither of you are upset about the issue - and tell him that you understand his feelings are hurt, and that you have a few ideas about how to fix it.  Start with encouraging him to get down on ds's level and play with him, read with/to him, watch cartoons with him, play trucks or trains - idk, insert ds's fave activity here and daddy should play it with ds.  Then, does your dh give affection to ds without expecting any in return?  Like, a quick kiss on the cheek, or a fast hug, or tickles or do they wrestle?  My ds LOVES to wrestle with his dad and uncle, and that has really increased the amount of affection they get from him too - its a physical connection on a different level and has made them closer (if your ds does not like to wrestle, this will not help). 

I think if you can encourage your dh to become more involved, and to do more fun things with ds (hit the park to run around and play chase that ends in daddy picking up ds and holding him upside down for a raspberry?  Thats one of my ds's favorite games and we play it at the park all the time in warmer weather) and your ds will warm up with the affection, or he won't but they can still have a more physical relationship that your dh may like (not physical in a bad way - just more positive touching, holding hands would be a good thing to start with too).

[crunchy_mommy]

Yup DH is the problem.

DS only recently started showing DH affection (at probably around 22-23mos) and DH was very patient & tolerant. I do think it was hard on him in many ways and perhaps made it easier for him to lose his cool since he wasn't getting the positive attention I was getting (it's much easier to be patient with a kid who regularly hugs & kisses you!!)

So yeah, your DH needs a reality check, and needs to find some way to get his temper under control.

As far as getting the toddler to show affection, you can make it a game, like, can you kiss Daddy's toe? Can you kiss his belly? etc. if he is receptive... I think that really helped DS to be more comfortable showing affection.

But your DH's behavior sounds completely unreasonable & inappropriate, so I would deal with that first.

[brennan]

Wow that just WOW.  Its sad, and I understand that dh is hurting but he needs to understand that affection isn't something that even kids give all that freely.  Does he play with him a lot?  Spend time with him?  The worst part is the whole forget about me playing with you.  That's only going to make things a heck of a lot worse

[Sweet.Bee]

Does your son prefer his daddy for anything (play, bedtime, mealtime, bath time, etc.)? I think toddlers see us each as having a specific role in his/her world, and maybe it would help your husband to have a "place" as far as your son is concerned. Even silly things like being the one who brushes his teeth or prepares his bath.

For instance, our son (20 months) definitely sees daddy as the "fun one" for play. He drags him around everywhere when he's home, wants to color with him, build with duplos, read books, etc. Daddy is also the one who carries him in the backpack we have when taking a long walk. 

I, on the other hand, am the "comforter" (help him eat, put him down for nap/bedtime, go in to calm him down if he wakes suddenly during the night). If daddy tried to calm him during the night, our son would suddenly be fully awake and want to play and run around. But I'm just boring, I guess, so he goes back to sleep instead. 

I would really have a talk with your husband, trying to find bonding activities for him and your son together. It is clear his feelings were hurt, but his reaction won't help the situation.

[Momofjames]

Thank you guys so much for all the advice. I did have a talk with him which he did not seem receptive to at all, but the next day he seemed much more patient with DS.  Yes they do play together when Daddy has the time, ds loves to play trains with daddy and since we are a farm family, he loves to get out all of his tractors and get Daddy to pretend with him that they are tilling, plowing, etc.

I did tell my husband this and that he needs to be more patient.

What is funny once my husband just let him be and played with him ds was much more receptive to daddy giving him a hug and tickles. And DH did seem to take the advice to give affection without requiring a return of it. That went much better.

This morning ds wanted only mama and screamed when daddy came to get him out of bed. DH did get upset again, but at least this time he walked away instead of getting angry with him, so hopefully he is taking my advice.

I will try to find a time when no one is stressed and give him more of the ideas that you guys have here.

AZZEPS - This is exactly like your situation.  That is encouraging to me that this will resolve itself with  patience on all of our parts.

Chamomile girl - I think he was just blowing off steam, but like you I did not like that comment either and I told him so. He has never shown any physical aggression towards our son, but like you, I know anything is possible.  He did cool down later and the next morning was in a much better mood and a bit more patient.

I am doing a lot of praying and I thank you guys for being there to let me vent and give me some other ideas to try.

[MaLu]

I just thought I'd chime in and let you know that we also have a son who has very much preferred me over Daddy.  He has always been much more physically abusive to his Daddy, kicking, pinching, scratching, hitting etc.  He didn't want Daddy to do anything for him, except play with him on occasion.  I think this actually upset me more than it did my husband.  I was worried they wouldn't bond well and then they wouldn't have a good relationship as he got older.  My husband, of course, did not like the treatment he received but said it was most likely because I am at home with him all day and he is off at work.  That probably is some of the reason he tests his Daddy so much.  He knows me much better, knows my "serious" voice and when he should listen or when he can goof off.  Starting when our son was about 2.5 years old I really encouraged my husband to be more involved with him.  I asked him to spend quality play time with him each evening while I prepared dinner.  I encouraged him to take him places alone on the weekends, even if it was just to the hardware store or a quick run to the grocery store.  I tried to find activities that were more interesting for Daddy than for me, such as a "history of motorcycles" show at a local museum and rally car races, that he could take our son to.  Basically just really encouraging my husband to seek out time to spend alone with our son and at the same time encouraging our son to have a good time with Daddy.  Then I also added in more family activities that we all three do together such as an hour long family gymnastic class every Saturday and "Family Art Hour" which we do at home.  I just lay out a bunch of different drawing and painting supplies, or clay, or glue, or whatever else and we all just create for one hour and then hang up what we've made and ohh and ahh over them. hehe  Oh, we also changed the bedtime routine so that Daddy is the one to brush his teeth and get his pj's on and then I take over in actually putting him down to sleep.  He was NOT happy with that change in the beginning.  Not at all.  But Daddy persisted and, most of the time, remained patient and now he wants Daddy to do it and not me.  Our son is almost three now and things have improved.  He still prefers me, but he does willingly spend more time with Daddy now.  He does give Daddy hugs and kisses now too.  Although with me he likes snuggly, cozy hugs and from Daddy he wants what they call "boom hugs".  Daddy stands at the edge of the bed, our son jumps on the bed and up into Daddy's arms, they squeezy hug then count down 3, 2, 1, and then Daddy bends over, while still holding him, and "booms" him on the bed.  Our son thinks its fantastic fun.  Just don't lose hope, you or your husband.  Things will improve.  Just keep encouraging them both on the best ways to treat each other. ((hugs))

[Momofjames]

MaLu,

Thanks for the encouragement. I like alot of the ideas that you have, I just wish that my husband would be more patient about it as yours was. What is funny is that DS loves to go to town with Daddy, and loves to do just about anything with him outside. In the house he will play ball with him and hide and seek, etc. The problem comes in when Daddy wants a hug or kiss and DS does not want to give it to him and will scream uncontrollably when Daddy tries to force it.

I have been trying to model how not to force him and let him know that forcing him would only make it worse. He seems to have eased up some and last night when DS screamed because Daddy picked him up he put him down and left the room. Certainly much better then getting verbally angry with him. What is ironic, once daddy left him alone and went to another room DS wanted to go play with him. Unfortunately daddy had locked the door to the room and would not come out and play. That is what I mean by being childish about it. I told him later that he was once again only making the problem worse. I guess all I can do is model the right way and keep trying to talk to him when DS is not listening and Pray, pray, pray that this will change.