How to handle 2 sets of birth parents

[AlliB]

Hi everyone!

After a long 3 year process we have a beautiful, healthy baby boy who is almost 1.  We've managed to work out a visiting system with both birth parents now but are about to start the process all over again for baby #2.  I'm just wondering how will I manage visits with 4 different birth parents for 2 different children???  I can't imagine the holiday time, and it's hard for me to imagine cutting off visitation with our son's birth parents...

When the kids get older I just don't know how to imagine juggling so many different people when our immediate family is what's most important. 

Then I start to get anxious thinking about possible #3 and another set of birth parents! 

Also, anyone got tips on how to handle the 1st birthday party with birth parents?  Just seems ackward to have them there with all of our friends and family...

Any advice is appreciated!

Allison

[Smithie]

1) You're an awesome, generous adoptive mom. 

2) You may be borrowing trouble a tiny bit here. Your first child has two birth parents who are wanting regular visitation at 1 year old. That's awesome, but it doesn't mean that you'll have 3 sets of people who maintain such contact 5 years from now!

3) Holidays and birthdays are maybe not such a typical time for birthparent visits. As you say, you've got a lot of family stuff going on then. I'd offer visits at more neutral times. Maybe an "unbirthday" gathering a couple of weeks after for this year, and maybe in subsequent years you can actually invite multiple sets of birthparents (birth aunts, birth grandparents, whoever emerges as being interested in your kids and healthy for them to be around) to a party at your place? it might be nice for them to see each other and not feel like they're in the spotlight so much. 

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by AlliB 

I can't imagine the holiday time, and it's hard for me to imagine cutting off visitation with our son's birth parents...

I'm not an adoptive parent, but my siblings were adopted (international though, so no relationship between birth families), and I just think holiday's are super stressful - even for young kids.  Holiday's are exciting and fun too, but I can see birth parent visit's being emotional for children, and adding to the already stressful and busy-ness of the holiday season, particularly as children get older. 

I agree with Smithie that visits at a more neutral time of year might be better - can you imagine going to an emotional reunion with your birth parents and then whisked away to eat Grandma's famous ham dinner?  Lots of different emotions, all at once, can be really hard for kids.  Plus, at a more neutral time of year you would be much more emotionally available to help the kids process their emotions before and after such a visit - you may be able to be there for one child, with one set of circumstances now, but with 3 different kids, 3 different sets of feelings about their birth parents, 3 different visits happening I think it could get very stressful for you, and on top of that you'll be dealing with the normal stresses of the holiday season.  Yikes!

That's not to say that you wouldn't do your best to make it all go smoothly - I can just see it being too crazy for little ones.

[AlliB]

Thanks everyone for the advice!

That seems like a great plan, to keep the birth parent visits to neutral times :)

It may not be a bad idea to start doing that with baby #1 sooner than later!

Thanks!

[KCMichigan]

We have not adopted (yet) but my nieces  are adopted - from birth (ages 7 and 9)

For Birthdays and Holidays....they initially met w/ the birth parents a week or two before/after the 'day' (week prior birthday/Xmas, etc) They did it one on one for a small feel and celebrated just the 5 of them (parents, birth parents, child). It kept the emotions down and/or less public to family/friends. They also met in a neutral location for a preset amount of time (park, mall, resturant, etc).

As PP stated, as the kids have gotten older---there have been fewer visits per birth parents (birth mom got married, went to college, moved further away etc.). They still send letters/pics, etc regularly. 

[Polliwog]

I think that if things are going well, it's not a big deal to have visits near birthdays and holidays.  We just got back from my son's birth mother's house for an after-Christmas celebration.  Her fiance, younger daughter, and mother were there.  We were supposed to get together around Christmas but illness made us postpone it.  We also go over there around my DS (and his other sister's birthday.)  For us, these events aren't emotional and it doesn't make a difference when they occur. 

We're not in contact with DD's birth parents at this point in time.  I think that if her birth father spoke English (which he doesn't) we'd probably do some park playdates with both sets of parents (DD and DS.)  I'm hoping that we'll be able to reestablish contact with her birth father at some point in time.