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Ex wants to introduce new GF after 2 weeks!

post #1 of 32
Thread Starter 
After two weeks of dating and just over a month of knowing this woman, my ex wanted to bring her into our dd's life. I've been battling it with him for a month now and he won't let up. He threatened me that he was going to make the decision on his own and I am enraged and have no idea how to regain control w/o conflict. My therapist and everyone I've spoken to agrees that 3-6 months minimum is appropriate but ex of course is the only one who disagrees. We have a history of emotional abuse and he still uses those tactics to try and get me weak. I need support and advice bc as sad as it may be, his abuse still works on me after long enough. greensad.gif
post #2 of 32

I'm not sure of an appropriate time because I've never been in this situation. I dated my husband for 1 month before marrying him though. We've been married for 18 years. He may feel like he is getting very serious w/ his GF, but I can see how if seems early. 

post #3 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by amberg007 View Post

After two weeks of dating and just over a month of knowing this woman, my ex wanted to bring her into our dd's life. I've been battling it with him for a month now and he won't let up. He threatened me that he was going to make the decision on his own and I am enraged and have no idea how to regain control w/o conflict. My therapist and everyone I've spoken to agrees that 3-6 months minimum is appropriate but ex of course is the only one who disagrees. We have a history of emotional abuse and he still uses those tactics to try and get me weak. I need support and advice bc as sad as it may be, his abuse still works on me after long enough. greensad.gif

 

 

Re: the bolded, you cannot regain control.  When your child is with your ex, you do not have control over what happens.  I know its frustrating, and not entirely appropriate for ex to bring his new gf into your dd's life, there is nothing you can do to stop it.  That is, unless his visitation is all supervised, then you can say that she is not to be at the visitation.  If his visitation is unsupervised, there is nothing you can do about it, and you need to let it go.  It sucks, and its hard, but you can do what you can do and thats all.

post #4 of 32

I tend not to get to excited about this stuff. I mean, our kids meet new friends and acquaintances all the time right? My current gf of almost two years, actually met my kids before I met her ;) (She was their DCP).

 

I do understand your feelings re: loss of control, but like a pp mentioned, there's not a lot you can do about this kind of situation. I've found that being gracious around these sorts of things paid off more in the long run.

post #5 of 32
hug2.gif My ex did this once. One of the very rare times he saw the kids when they stayed overnight with his mom (while I was out of town-I have full custody). She was literally 16 years old and...not someone I wanted my kids around, especially reeking of booze. I showed up and she was fawning over my kids calling them "her sweeties". Um, no. Not happening. I would talk to your lawyer or a mediator for the kids' best interests so he can see what he's doing. Especially since he has a history of emotional abuse, a mediator would be a good idea.
post #6 of 32

My ex brough his new gf and her kids to the house 2 weeks after he met her and they had a sleepover with all the kids at his house one month after they met- the day I moved my furniture out of the house- 6 weeks after we split!  So- yeah- I know what you're dealing with.  {{hugs}}

post #7 of 32

Well I can beat that-- my X brought the GF to the house to meet the kids and had them talk to her and her kids on the phone multiple times before we were even separated. Nice, huh?

 

The others are right: there is nothing you can do about this but support your kids the best you can, answer questions if they ask.

 

This is one of the many things that sucks about divorce that you just have to suck up and deal with. I'm sorry.

post #8 of 32

God please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the differernce.

 

(I think this falls into the category of things you cannot judge. It's a poor parenting choice on his part, but not abusive. I'm sorry for what you are going through)

post #9 of 32

I got you all beat.  My exH and I decided to split and he moved out immediately, crashing on his friend's couch.  In that week, he started dating a girl (she was 21 or 22, ten years his younger).  And the next week, they got an apartment together.  Absolutely nothing I could do about it.  Actually I already was sort of friends with that girl and I felt really sorry for her because my ex is a total abuser.  But I knew that she was nice and would be good to my kids.  Now they are married and expecting a baby. 

post #10 of 32
Thread Starter 
Thanks ladies. I am trying to realize that I will have to give up some control at times but I'm not very good at it. The last we left off I told him that he could wait three months and I have to meet her first or he can wait the full six months. I told him if he wanted to fight me on it he'd have to do so in court. We both do not want court and have settled everything so far on our own. He doesn't pay a penny of child support so he knows I have the upper hand. I honestly don't thunk I'm out of line because I truly believe I am protecting my daughter. Even if I'm over protective, id rather be that than not protective enough.
post #11 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by amberg007 View Post

Thanks ladies. I am trying to realize that I will have to give up some control at times but I'm not very good at it. The last we left off I told him that he could wait three months and I have to meet her first or he can wait the full six months. I told him if he wanted to fight me on it he'd have to do so in court. We both do not want court and have settled everything so far on our own. He doesn't pay a penny of child support so he knows I have the upper hand. I honestly don't thunk I'm out of line because I truly believe I am protecting my daughter. Even if I'm over protective, id rather be that than not protective enough.


Well, I hate to break it to you, but you putting these types of conditions on this, and threatening him with legal action makes you look like the controlling abuser - NOT the other way around.  Additionally, clauses such as the one you are looking for, are not generally put into custody decree's unless the parties AGREE to them, and even then they are very difficult to enforce, b/c of the restriction they place on parents. 

 

If he's not paying child support, why don't you file for it?  I mean, going to court sucks and you might have a very good reason not to, but if you're threatening with court you might as well go.  Just not over when your dd meets his girlfriend - unless you have distinctive proof that she's a drug dealer who is doing drugs when she's standing right next to your dd. 

 

Also, whats to say she hasn't already met his gf?  If he has unsupervised time with her, theres no telling what he is doing with her - and by placing limits on his time with her (especially without any legal right to do so) you are setting the stage for him to be dishonest with you, and for him to ask your dd to be dishonest with you (I'm sorry, I don't recall how old your dd is - if she's not yet verbal then you really don't know whats going on).  Fighting over this is just not worth it.  I know its hard to realize, and its hard to let go, but in split families its necessary.

 

ETA - you really have no right to meet her first, sorry.  That won't be upheld either in court, and will make you look controlling - not exactly the image you want to portray.  If you get to meet her, thats good but you need to be painfully nice.

post #12 of 32
Thread Starter 
I appreciate your insights but I am DEFINITELY not a controlling abuser. And while I am listening to what people tell me about the courts, I still believe that as her mother and primary caregiver, it's my responsibility to protect her to the greatest extent possible and I will ALWAYS do that. IMO I have EVERY right to know who is in my child's life and I would rather be over protective than no protective enough. Fortunately my ex, although emotionally abusive toward me, is more or less a caring and conscious parent and has not gone against me on this. Tbh I think that he agrees with me that it's way too soon but just keeps revisiting the idea because it's what is convenient for him. I also suspect pressure coming from the GF because on one day he will see eye to eye with me and on the next he's pushing the introduction again. All I know is my daughter is my world and I'm not taking any chances with her. The psychologist reccomends 3-6 months minimum and that's what I'm going with. He won't take me to court and I don't want to go. I just said that to make him stop trying. And it worked so far. Luckily my daughter is very verbal and always tells me about her days so I will find out if he goes behind my back.

 

post #13 of 32

Trust me, I'm as ferociously protective as the next single mama, maybe even a bit close to the 'unreasonable' edge... I really do believe that you're setting yourself up for a bad dynamic here.

 

Does your ex have the right to meet everyone you're bringing into your daughter's life? Do you have the same time restrictions? If you believe he's a decent parent, you really need to allow him the room to make some of these decisions. Also, if your daughter is verbal and precocious - she'll be able to tell you if something is wrong.

 

Finally, about the psychiatrist/therapist - you'll get differing opinions from everyone. Mine recommended easy, smooth introductions for everyone in my dd's lives. Treat them as friends, acquaintances... making a bigger deal about it does just that - puts emphasis on the relationship before there even is one there.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by amberg007 View Post

I appreciate your insights but I am DEFINITELY not a controlling abuser. And while I am listening to what people tell me about the courts, I still believe that as her mother and primary caregiver, it's my responsibility to protect her to the greatest extent possible and I will ALWAYS do that. IMO I have EVERY right to know who is in my child's life and I would rather be over protective than no protective enough. Fortunately my ex, although emotionally abusive toward me, is more or less a caring and conscious parent and has not gone against me on this. Tbh I think that he agrees with me that it's way too soon but just keeps revisiting the idea because it's what is convenient for him. I also suspect pressure coming from the GF because on one day he will see eye to eye with me and on the next he's pushing the introduction again. All I know is my daughter is my world and I'm not taking any chances with her. The psychologist reccomends 3-6 months minimum and that's what I'm going with. He won't take me to court and I don't want to go. I just said that to make him stop trying. And it worked so far. Luckily my daughter is very verbal and always tells me about her days so I will find out if he goes behind my back.

 

post #14 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceinwen View Post

Trust me, I'm as ferociously protective as the next single mama, maybe even a bit close to the 'unreasonable' edge... I really do believe that you're setting yourself up for a bad dynamic here.

 

Does your ex have the right to meet everyone you're bringing into your daughter's life? Do you have the same time restrictions? If you believe he's a decent parent, you really need to allow him the room to make some of these decisions. Also, if your daughter is verbal and precocious - she'll be able to tell you if something is wrong.

 

Finally, about the psychiatrist/therapist - you'll get differing opinions from everyone. Mine recommended easy, smooth introductions for everyone in my dd's lives. Treat them as friends, acquaintances... making a bigger deal about it does just that - puts emphasis on the relationship before there even is one there.
 

 

~  I have to ditto this... and maybe I'm biased because of my own situation.  But, my therapist actually recommended to introduce the kids to my new BF as friends too... and we have only been dating a month.  I think there are definitely different scales of what is appropriate or not and when in a relationship... I'm sure the kids ages play a part as well.  Every single family and family dynamic is different.

 

Instead of pushing ex on certain arbritary deadlines of when he can introduce someone to the kids... why not work on appropriate guidelines for how to introduce/what sort of PDA's take place in front of the children.  I have to agree it's controlling to tell an ex when and whom they can intro to their own kids. 

 

I originally did have that in my parenting plan, and I took it out, because I thought about it, and it was going to open a whole can of worms of control issues.  And believe me, my ex is a serious verbal/emotional abuser, so I know where you are coming from.

 

But life does get easier once you let go of the things you seriously cannot control.  Try to find some medium road to work on that makes you feel better about the situation, without trying to control it.

post #15 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by amberg007 View Post

I appreciate your insights but I am DEFINITELY not a controlling abuser.

 

 

I believe you, but your demands make you *sound* like you have control issues. That's just how it sounds to others. And if it sounds that way to the mellow-liberal momma's on mothering, it's going to sound even more extreme in court.
 

The reality is that since you child has separate lives with her two parents, she'll have people in her life that only one parent knows.

post #16 of 32

((hugs)) mama!  Nobody's calling you a controlling abuser - and at the same time, they're correct in saying those words will make it sound like that to not only your ex, but to any court.  The very first book i read about getting a divorce when children are involved, emphasized the loss of control.  It's just part of the deal, unfortunately.  Just as you wouldn't want want your ex dictating what people you around around with DD, what food you feed her, what activities you take her to, etc. - you can't tell your ex what to do in his time with her.  Now if he's actually exposing her to literally dangerous things (abusive people, violence, neglect, etc), then yes, you can step in.  Your therapist is not a lawyer either, and sure they know what the *healthy* time is to bring in a new partner, they have no say on how your ex behaves, or on the laws or your divorce agreement/custody agreements.  I sure do know the feeling of being disappointment when it seems some things are better because of the divorce, yet some things all the sudden SUCK!

 

 

 

 

 

post #17 of 32

My ex-H moved straight in with the woman he left me for. BUT she was his old girlfriend from high school so he "knew" her and she knew him and he could trust her. Not much I could do really. I'm thankful she took him off my hands. :D  I suffered many years of emotional, verbal, spiritual and mental abuse from the man.....and I hear that she is too. what goes around comes around I guess.

post #18 of 32
Thread Starter 
Thanks ladies. Everyone's insights and advice has been helpful. I do know that I lost a certain amount of control with the divorce. However, he has only known this girl for two months and she is young. My gut is telling me it is not what's best for my daughter to meet her so I'm sticking with that. Luckily my ex has honored my requests to wait. I think he realizes that I am right and deep down knows he's only trying to do this because it's what's convenient for him and not necessarily what's best for our daughter. I will retract the stipulation of me meeting her first but the timeline is staying the same. Thanks again.
post #19 of 32

Oh yeah, I'm right with you. My STBX moved out in Nov, started dating this woman in Feb and had the kids joining them on all sorts of outings. There was the vacation together and the overnights at her house then  full fledged move-in in Oct. I have explained to my DD, almost10, that moving in together is NOT a part of dating, that you can go years and years and never really know someone. I am very, very concerned at the impression this gives her at an impressionable age.

 

A friend told me women are so much more protective of their children. She's been divorced since her son was 7 and he's now 25 and she has never, never introduced anyone she's dated to him. My children have asked to meet my dates and I've emphatically stated no and because until I know what kind of person they are and what they might be in my life then the two shall never intermingle.

 

I had to fight that control issue too because it goes totally against what I believe as a parent and that is to protect my children. I feel they've been through enough change for right now without having a new person introduced to them. He exhibited the worst kind of parenting judgment and I hope that goes my way in court since he is fighting me for custody.

 

What I look at my STBX and his gf, who's also going through a divorce, is they are very sad, needy people to have moved in together in such a short period I mean, really, can they have any honesty in their relationship that they have emotionally left their marriages? Absolutely not. But whatever their baggage, it's my children who will have to bear the fall out and, subsquently, me in taking care of them.

 

((hugs, mama))

post #20 of 32

I think it's disgusting. *hugs* I'm so sorry. I, personally, think you should wait a year before introducing. I mean this is the women he is cheating on them with. Why on earth should they be subjected to that abuse.

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