Ex wants to introduce new GF after 2 weeks! - Page 2

[mdmomof3]

Ok well everyone I think my story will shock you all . . My fiance of two years . . boyfriend for another 6 has been talking to my best friend of 2 years behind my back for 2 months.  We have 3 kids together ages 5, 3 and 2 . . She is known by my kids as Auntie . . He ended it with me and left us the same day and moved in with her ON THE SAME DAY. . I am a SAHM . . He is allowing us to stay in the house and pay all the bills, but he thinks its ok to bring the kids over there already it's been 3 weeks, he says its ok for them to come there cause they already know her . . yea as their auntie not daddy's new girlfriend . . Oh and to top it off my best friend was just getting a divorce and her ex is my ex's best friend . . My oldest daughter 5yrs old, said well if daddy moved there why didnt he move here . . umm cause we don't just swap men like that . . i hate him for bringing them around her already . . this could be a rebound relationship for the both of them . . how do they know it will work out . . they have been living together for only 3 weeks, does he think he is gonna introduce them to every girlfriend he gets within the first few weeks . . the kids haven't even been properly told by the both of us what is going on.  I am so shocked, upset and betrayed over this, why do we have to rush the kids over there  . . he can come here to see his kids until they get used to mommy and daddy time another thing that pisses me off is that I am taking care of them all on my own, why does he get to have her help him . . he needs to parent on his own . .

[babygirlie]

BTW, I don't think you are controlling at all but doing what's right. You absolutly have the RIGHT to know who your kids are with!! She could be a child molester for all you know. She could be an ID theft using their names to shop.. Who  knows! 

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by babygirlie 

I think it's disgusting. *hugs* I'm so sorry. I, personally, think you should wait a year before introducing. I mean this is the women he is cheating on them with. Why on earth should they be subjected to that abuse.

I don't see it as abuse. It was MORE abusive to my children to see their father and I living together and arguing and never happy day after day. IMO, it's a (sad) part of life for some people to have to go through divorce. No, I didn't want to divorce or have my ex leave me for an old flame but it happened. Not much I could do about it but accept it and keeping my kids from their father just because she was going to be around them wasn't an option for me. I wanted my kids around him and I'm all about peace and not arguing with anyone, even my ex. I didn't see the point. His wrongdoings will be taken up by a higher power. It's not up to me in this time to do it. :-)

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by babygirlie 

BTW, I don't think you are controlling at all but doing what's right. You absolutly have the RIGHT to know who your kids are with!! She could be a child molester for all you know. She could be an ID theft using their names to shop.. Who  knows! 

That part is very important! I do agree with checking people out, but you have to get to a point where you trust that your ex has gotten to know the person enough to know whether they would be this way and is going to watch your children him/herself so that the children are never alone with the new person in their life. This is something I struggle with ALL the time now that I am back out in the dating world. I am so scared I will pick a guy that seems great to me and normal and he turns out to be something bad. :-(  It's scary. You hear stories of it allt he time. When it's not "their" children it's much easier for someone to abuse a child. Very scary.

[SabraMamma]

When my x and I split he started dating his students (he is a professor) and the kids met a few of them. I remember one time running into him and a young girl in the grocery store parking lot with the kids and my DD, 7 yrs old at the time, asked how many girlfriends her daddy had. One girl started spending the night "as friends" which IMO is just opening up a whole bag of mixed signals. There were so many things that I did not agree with. After only 2 or 3 months my kids were meeting the new gf's family- spending time at their house with all the extended family. i have to say that I can find sooooo many things wrong with the scenarios- students, huge age differences, quick time frame in introducing the kids, introducing as friends when the reality is that it's much more and on and on---- but there is nothing I can do about it other than do my best to set a good example and keep an open line of communication with my kids. X has been with one girl now, was a student when they started dating as was his pattern, for 2 years. she has since graduated and moved in with him and when the kids go to visit she is there and they even go on "family" trips to visit her parents. it drives me crazy but as many have said- you lose that control when you get divorced. just hope that the new girls/women are good to your kids and treat them well and that is really the best thing. and make sure that DC's feel comfortable speaking to you about their time with x.

[fawnanddoe]

Sorry if this has been said already, I didn't read all of the responses. Could you possibly have your ex speak with your therapist? Or his on therapist? Maybe if he had a "professional" explain to him why introducing a SO so soon could be harmful for a child.

My ex actually slept over his 23yo girlfiends house with DS after they hadn't been together very long. I was PO'd to say the least, and I explained to him that I really thought it would be best to wait 6 months before introducing a SO because of how it can effect DS.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Not all therapists agree with some nebulous 6 month rule... just saying.  Your kids are a BIG part of your life.  I can't see hiding that part of your life for that long...

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama 

Not all therapists agree with some nebulous 6 month rule... just saying.  Your kids are a BIG part of your life.  I can't see hiding that part of your life for that long...

I don't think anyone is saying that you should 'hide' having kids for 6 months - I think people who have kids should be open about that up front.  I'm just not sure about introducing children to a person that might be temporary, and I think thats what most people are getting at.

[Phoenix~Mama]

But who really has the cystal ball on what is temporary? 

To be some what of a devil's advocate... (and I mean no offense by this what so ever, I hope you ladies know me well enough to realize that, just would like a thoughtful dialogue :) )  A lot of us here did not think our previous relationships where we had kids and were building a life together was temporary either. ;-) 

There are so many people in children's life that are not permanent that they grow attachments to... such as care providers, teachers, various relatives of family friends who may go out of their lives for various reasons, (moves, death, etc.)  Nothing in this world is permanent. 

I think handled appropriately, there is not much of a reason to not introduce your kids when you feel okay in doing so.  And I don't think there is a right/wrong time frame on that.  There may be right/wrong ways of how you introduce the kids, and I don't think a relationship with the kids should be pushed... but a casual meetings that allow the children and the potential love interest to grow their own relationship, I think is rather healthy.

If it ends up not working out... it gives you the chance to teach a valuable life lesson to your kids, and you are able to guide them and teach them healthy ways in dealing with loss.  You will never escape losing a loved one in life.  Death is a fact of life.  The unknown happening, such as moves, graduating from daycare to school, graduating a grade... all are facts of life.

[rugbyangel85]

My divorce papers and my parenting plan with my ex both state that neither party can introduce a significant other to the children until the other parent has had the chance to meet the significant other. It says that if either party neglects to notify the other parent prior to the child being introduced that parent has the right to pursue legal action.

[rosadesal]

I totally understand how you feel. It's almost paralyzing, not being able to maintain that control. What helped me was to realize how much of my time and energy I was giving, to my ex no less, over the issue. I gave literally all of my time and energy into battling whether or not his gf could be around our DD, and in the end I wasn't taking care of myself or the kind of life I wanted myself and DD to have. You can't control who he dates/whether they meet your kids. We tried that, and it was ugly and had nothing to do with DD at all, but had everything to do with us. Once I realized that in the end, he was winning anyway because I was spending so much time thinking about/being angry about/trying to do something about the life he was building and had nothing left for myself. Take a deep breath, and focus on YOU. Do you. Make your life. Make the life you want for you and your child. Spend your energy there. 

[captain optimism]

I'm new to all this, but this seems really odd to me. If you are dating someone, your children know you are dating, and they want to meet the person... shouldn't you allow that? What's the worry in this situation?

I understand why the OP didn't want her daughter to think her father was going to marry someone he'd been dating for a few months, that it would make her feel unstable. I also understood the distinction between telling the ex that introducing a partner too early could hurt the child and making a legal case out of the issue. 

I guess I'm unclear about how it protects older children who know you are dating to stop them from meeting the people you date. I'm not dating yet because I'm not divorced, only separated, so this is all hypothetical for me. Are you concerned that the children will become attached to someone you decide is not serious relationship material? 

Originally Posted by blueholly 

A friend told me women are so much more protective of their children. She's been divorced since her son was 7 and he's now 25 and she has never, never introduced anyone she's dated to him. My children have asked to meet my dates and I've emphatically stated no and because until I know what kind of person they are and what they might be in my life then the two shall never intermingle.