What happened to my sweet boy?

[MissMommyNiceNice]

Ugh.  He turned 4 and turned into a monster!  I don't know what to do.  I can't do anything without it being "no" or "I don't want to" or "don't talk to me like that" and then when I try to talk calmly and nicely and express that he is making me angry and I don't want to fight and please don't say that (things like "I don't love you mommy")  he starts to cry and says that "I hurt his feelings" and "don't talk so mean to me".

I think part of it is he's been sick lately with a cold/cough/ear infection.  We had to get him some anti-biotics.  But beyond that, it's like all the time.  I can't even get out of the house without a huge fight and taking 5X longer than it should. 

I hate yelling at him.  I hate threatening spanking.  I hate that I snapped and smacked his smart little mouth.  I just don't know what to do!  It makes me want to cry.  It makes me so angry, he makes me so angry, and I can't figure out how to make him cooperate and stop being so naughty!  It's been going on for a month now, and I'm so tired.  I don't want to be like this.  The worst part is, for everyone else he's a perfect freaking angel!  ARGH!  That makes it worse I think, because I know he's great for a sitter or grandma. 

Any advice?  Commiseration?  Tell me it's the cold and when it goes away, he'll be sweet again.  Tell me his synapses will stop firing so hard and he'll be normal again.  *sigh* tell me something so I don't feel like such a terrible person and want to cry. 

[MissMommyNiceNice]

Okay, now that I've calmed down a little, to qualify my post -

I've tried redirection, turning things into a contest, time outs, taking away priveledges, early bedtime, walking away, sending him to his room...sometimes things work for a while and then seem to lose their affect.  It's frustrating.  I try talking, but surprisingly, 4 year olds don't understand!  Even though he claims to voer & over, I think now it's just something he says "I do understand" because he knows that's what I want to hear and it will let him out of timeout. 

Oi.  What to do?

[sexysisam]

I don't have any advice, I'm sorry.  I'm actually on here trying to find out what to do with MY 4 year old who used to be so sweet and now is a raging, angry kid. 

A lot of the posts I've been looking at have started just like yours...  "I just don't know what to do.  My child is 4 and..."

It sounds like the terrible twos have evolved to the TERRIBLE fours.

Hugs Mama.  I couldn't read and not post anything.

[NellieKatz]

Indulge me in a little play-acting here. I'm going to put myself in his shoes and maybe that will help.

If I were him, I'd want to be heard. I'd want to know that my feelings were heard. I would not want to be hit, nor punished or threatened. I would appreciate and be comforted by the redirection, because at age 4 there is still so much I would not know. I would want my words to be accepted by my mom, my freely-expressed words not to be stopped ("don't say that ..") I would want my mom to be patient and calm while helping me to understand, rather than expecting me to know and understand the things she does when I'm just 4 years old.

If I were him and were not being punished for needing to learn, then I'd suddenly stop having to say things just to get out of punishments because frankly punishments are scary and demeaning and don't help me learn. They might help me learn what NOT to do, but they wouldn't help me learn what TO do or why, and even if Mom's trying to redirect me, it's scary when she's mad and my mind would get all fuzzy trying to keep it all straight. Which might make me mad, which might come out as "I hate you Mama." But I wouldn't really MEAN hate, that terrible word, I'd just mean MAD, but remember I'm only 4.

I would wonder why Mama talks so very very much with long explanations when it clearly isn't how I can handle the incoming info. I get all jumbled up and then she just gets madder.

I'd say "no" or "I don't want to" or "don't talk to me like that" because that's what Mama says to me, but for some reason when I say it Mama gets mad and I get even more confused. It would turn me into a bit of a crazy person. I'd want Mama to hear me and value what I have to say.

======

Anyway you get my drift....

I suggest reading Haim Ginott's "Between Parent and Child" for a perspective that will really help you communicate with him. It involves active and respectful listening, and acknowledging the FEELINGS behind what the little one is saying or doing. They don't always know how to get across their opinion in a way that seems appropriate.

Also, I think if you're focusing on the behaviors and not the underlying emotions and reasons for those behaviors, and you do things to try and stop the behaviors without getting at the root of it, you will be met with escalating frustration and deteriorating relationship. (this is where I had been with my child before starting to see things through his eyes)

Speaking of my own child, he needs me right now, so I have to go. But we were in your shoes once and it was all because I was only seeing things through MY eyes, and what I wanted him to do for MY benefit (behavior-wise). When I started to think of him as a separate human being with dignity of his own, (vs. "my child who should....") and started to imagine what it all looked like to HIM, everything shifted. It's huge, really.

And obviously, you might consider the effect that smacking "his smart little mouth" is going to have on your relationship and level of cooperation going forward.

I sound hard on you. I guess I am. Someone was hard on me once in a forum, and I wanted to murder her, I was so mad. I am probably that person for a good many people now. But I sincerely believe that sometimes we need to be jolted a little to see things with new eyes, to make change possible.

Good luck. I sincerely believe that it can all change so beautifully, and faster than you might think. Get that book! It's awesome.

:-)

[sexysisam]

That sounds like a great book.  I'll have to read that.

[mom.of.two]

Hello,

This is my first post, though I have been frequently the GD board very frequently lately due to my sweet 4 year old also turning sour :)  I REALLY appreciate what you said NellieKatz.  I've been sorta trying to do that...but in the heat of the moment I just lose my temper and the situation turns ugly, fast.  I know deep down that my sweet 4 year old is still in there, and I still catch glimpses of her often.  So it makes sense to not focus on "fixing" these little behavior issues...because I think she really does know better.  She is just learning to cope with strong emotions and to understand a big big world :)

It also helps to know that this is a VERY common thing, like Sexysisam said.  You see a lot of these sort of posts.  And my neighbor warned me about 4 being much more difficult than 2.  There were no terrible 2's with my dd child, so this is the first bump in the road we have hit with her...so you naturally start questioning your parenting skills etc. 

A lot to think about.  I hope this discussion continues a bit because I already feel like it's helped me.

[MissMommyNiceNice]

Thanks everyone. 

I know I shouldn't and didn't want to smack him - I just got so frustrated.  I've really tried to rein in the threats of spanking too, because I don't want to say or be like that.  The last two days were a little better, so I think it was just magnified by being sick. 

The biggest frustration and the source of the biggest fights are when I have to ask many many times for things like getting dressed, brushing teeth, or getting ready to leave the house.    I try to give him ample time to get things done on his own time, but then it gets time to go and he's still not ready.  Even when I try to keep calm, the more I have to ask him, the angrier I get and it turns into yelling.  In the morning when he's getting started, I try to have a little pep talk for us about talking nice to each other and not talking mean & hurting each other's feelings because it's so much more fun when we're playing & cuddling and not fighting.

Thank you for the book suggestion, I'll check it out.

Sometimes I think he weaned a little earlier than he should have, but the milk was gone & I was 7.5 mos pgs.  And right about then he turned all daddy all the time, so I didn't think too much about it. 

[at-home]

I have 4 year old twins.  I am learning that a lot of frustration is due to not understanding the developmental stage my children are going through.  If you'd like to hear more about this, this information might be helpful if you have time to read the linked articles.  Her articles address such things as having to ask kids to do things over and over again, and them still not doing.  It is because of their stage of development.  Hope this helps!  My heart goes out to you, fellow mom of a 4 year old!