"good" praise versus "bad" praise

[sarahr]

I just came across this article and thought it was really interesting. http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/index1.html

I avoid saying "good girl" to DD, but this article has given me a lot of food for thought about more specifically what I should and shouldn't be saying.

I'm interested in all of your thoughts.

[Spring Lily]

I had heard before of that first study the article talks about, the different in praising intelligence vs. effort. I look at it this way: I know my kids are smart, but being told that is not going to help them do or learn anything. Intelligence isn't going to get you anywhere without other abilities like perseverance, confidence, and a willingness to try. We use the word "try" at our house a lot, that is really importance to us. Try something out, now when you want to give up just try a little more.

As for praise, I tend to say things like "Are you proud of what you did?" "Look how careful you're being!" "I like how much detail you're putting in your pictures" "you are really thinking hard about this, aren't you?" "I knew you could do that, you're such a hard worker" things like that. The other day she did something that took a lot of courage, and she told me "I'm so proud of how brave I was!" I don't want my kids to always be looking for praise and validation externally, I am hoping to teach them that it can come from inside, too.

When my 4 yr old (who loves the whole princess thing) dances around, I don't comment about how pretty she looks, I'll say things like "Look how strong you are, your legs can do such big kicks and leaps!" Body image is such a big issue now, that I want to lay the groundwork before she even gets to the preteen/teen years! Focusing on what your body can do rather than how it looks is important, so I try to really balance those comments out. She's told how pretty she is a lot, so I want to make sure she understands that physically she's a lot more than that.

I'll also just make observational comments, like "you're building a tall tower," "you put together the whole train track," "you climbed to the top of the slide." That way what they are doing is being acknowledged, but not praised per se.

[sewchris2642]

Thanks for posting this article.  What stood out for me was the end of the article: 

"Eventually, in my final stage of praise withdrawal, I realized that not telling my son he was smart meant I was leaving it up to him to make his own conclusion about his intelligence. Jumping in with praise is like jumping in too soon with the answer to a homework problem—it robs him of the chance to make the deduction himself.

But what if he makes the wrong conclusion?

Can I really leave this up to him, at his age?"

And I believe that the answer to the author's questions is a resounding YES. 

[LynnS6]

I like this article a lot, but I think it's important to not take things overboard and become afraid of praise.

I agree wholeheartedly that vacuous praise and saying 'good job' for every little thing is probably more harmful than helpful. On the other hand, there's nothing wrong with sharing your children's joy in an accomplishment or creation. Dd (age 6) is in piano lessons. She's got a couple of songs she's working hard on this week, and when she plays them without a mistake, she'll run to me and say "I did it without any mistakes!" My first reaction is "Great!" and that's usually what I say. I'll often follow it up with something like "you're working really hard on that song!" My dh will often say "good job!" (he hasn't read Alfie Kohn). It's fine. She's still internally motivated to play. She LIKES learning new songs.

I try to be specific about my praise, but I don't lose sleep over the occasional 'good job' or 'I really like that painting'. In fact, I've come to think recently that children do need SOME praise that's clearly interpretable as praise. It's taken me a while to get to this thought, but since it's way after midnight and I should be in bed rather than on MDC, I'll have to come back tomorrow and see if I can articulate it well.