DH thinks DD has psychological problems - Page 2

[Shaki]

OP I agree with PP's that this sounds totally normal.

Just a few thoughts on the playful parenting approach folks have suggested. In the "playful dialogue" you posted it doesn't read as if you are playing the game with her, it reads as though you are saying "I'm calm, I'm not going to be upset by this." Which is basically NOT playing the game. She doesn't want you to react calmly, she wants to play that you are upset. Maybe really entering into the game with her would make a difference. So Instead of "Ok what naughty thing do you want to do?" or "Can I play too?" you could say "I am so mad right now you are being very naughty!" and build from there. Really enter the scene and let her play it out. Don't ask questions, try using "Yes and..." So when she says something like "I'm naughty" you say "YES you are so naughty! behave yourself right now! AND do not throw your stuffed animals around!" Hopefully she throws some stuffed animals around, you say "That does it! Now I'm really mad" and you start throwing stuffed animals etc. Perhaps you find a way to be naughty and let her be angry with you.

My niece often wants people to pretend they are mad or, scared, or that she hurt their feeling and they are crying. When she asks for this we try to give it to her, so when she says "I hurt your feelings and you are crying" I weep and wail and sob and she laughs. It sounds weird but I think it's a safe way for her to process "bad" feelings. It sounds to me like your daughter is asking for a way to do something similar. Not all kids process this way (my DD doesn't) but some do, and from observing my DN I think it's a healthy way for her to explore scary feelings.

[Minxie]

Something else to consider as I went through this with my DS when our life was in a bit of upheaval: she IS testing her limits with you. I talked to my son and found out that basically he wanted to make sure I still loved him even when I was angry with him. We finished that phase when he was reassured that I would still love him, no matter how angry I was with him and no matter what he did. I explained to him that I love him still even when I am angry with his behavior but it took a while for HIM to separate the two.

I also talked to him (my son is very verbal) and explained that it would be better to let me know he needs some love and attention with words, rather than trying to make me angry. So now that is what he does; he comes to me when he needs some love or attention instead of doing something funky to make me angry.

[mamazee]

She sounds like she wants more attention now that she has a baby in the house.  Very normal.

I'd have dh lay off the food thing.  She's getting attention that way, but I don't think that's healthy attention.  Let her eat or not eat.  If she gets hungry, she'll ask for food.

And then I guess I'd try to set aside time for you to give her one-on-on attention, and for your dh to give her one-on-one attention.  Maybe play a game with her or something.

My dd was older than yours when her baby sister was born, but she got jealous of the attention the baby was getting, and like yours the baby was maybe three months old before the jealousy got bad and then lasted a few months.  It's like she figured out that the baby was there forever and that things were changed for good.

Anyway, I think normal, but intensified by having a baby around getting all the attention babies naturally get.

[nextcommercial]

Well.. she is three.  Three is harder than two.  THEY can do it.  THEY have to close the door.  THEY have to pick the clothes.  YOU never, ever give them the right thing.  That wasn't the string cheese they wanted, they wanted the third one on the left... not the second one on the right. (you were supposed to know that!)  You cut their food up wrong.  Even if you ASK "Do you want me to cut it up?"  She'll say "Yes", then be mad that you did because she didn't want it cut up, even though she did want it cut up.  

Also, she wants your attention.  She LOVES her baby sister, but she wants more attention than you give baby sister.  She's also bored.  She's constantly waiting.  Waiting for you to play with her, waiting for you to stop feeding the baby.  Waiting for you to stop cooking dinner.  It's all very boring.  It's not really fun to play alone for very long.  Three year olds can wear you out with their constant need to be entertained and their busyness.  

She's probably Mostly trying to get your attention.  But, she might also want some boundaries.  Three year olds act like they  want to be in charge, but they really don't.  They need to know that you can handle issues and that you will rise to the occasion right away.   I don't think she really WANTS to slam doors.  I get mad, but I don't want to be allowed to run around slamming doors. 

[AutumnAir]

Originally Posted by Shaki 

OP I agree with PP's that this sounds totally normal.

Just a few thoughts on the playful parenting approach folks have suggested. In the "playful dialogue" you posted it doesn't read as if you are playing the game with her, it reads as though you are saying "I'm calm, I'm not going to be upset by this." Which is basically NOT playing the game. She doesn't want you to react calmly, she wants to play that you are upset. Maybe really entering into the game with her would make a difference. So Instead of "Ok what naughty thing do you want to do?" or "Can I play too?" you could say "I am so mad right now you are being very naughty!" and build from there. Really enter the scene and let her play it out. Don't ask questions, try using "Yes and..." So when she says something like "I'm naughty" you say "YES you are so naughty! behave yourself right now! AND do not throw your stuffed animals around!" Hopefully she throws some stuffed animals around, you say "That does it! Now I'm really mad" and you start throwing stuffed animals etc. Perhaps you find a way to be naughty and let her be angry with you.

My niece often wants people to pretend they are mad or, scared, or that she hurt their feeling and they are crying. When she asks for this we try to give it to her, so when she says "I hurt your feelings and you are crying" I weep and wail and sob and she laughs. It sounds weird but I think it's a safe way for her to process "bad" feelings. It sounds to me like your daughter is asking for a way to do something similar. Not all kids process this way (my DD doesn't) but some do, and from observing my DN I think it's a healthy way for her to explore scary feelings.

You know, this is a really good point!! I'm not really a 'playful' sort of person, so I have a hard time with the playful parenting approach, especially as it wasn't something I grew up with.  

I've also been having a really hard time keeping my temper lately, so I guess I was more focused on that aspect of it - here's a way for me to keep my cool and for DD to get out some of her feelings.

I actually tried the "Yes, I'm cross with you now" thing yesterday and it actually worked! DD burst into pretend crying, ran away, then ran back to me and I was able to reassure her that no matter how cross I got with her I would always love her (which I've been telling her all along anyway, but I guess she needed to sort of play-act it to 'get' it).  

We've actually had a better couple of days - I've asked DH to back off on the food thing (and showed him this thread so he got that it wasn't just me being weird) and he has mellowed out.  I've also let the housework slide and spent baby's naptimes completely focused on DD1 - though that's not a sustainable pattern, I can gradually cut back to spending maybe half an hour exclusively with DD1 then the other half on stopping the house from turning into a total disaster!  I had a good chat with her at bedtime the other night and explained that we both want to have nice days, and we each suggested ways to make sure we did have nice days - so far it's working! 

I'm sure we'll have more of the unpleasant behaviour, but at least I know my lovely sweet DD is still there now :)
 

[Okapi]

Glad to hear things are working out. Another thing I want to recommend about the food, DD (turned 3 in Nov) is an absolute beast when she gets hungry, but she rarely tells me when she is, and it seems like most of the time when I give her food, she won't eat it. But, if I leave it out where she knows she can get to it, eventually she comes back & chows down. Also, it seems like she will often be ready to eat around 3 or 3:30. If she is really hungry then, she won't eat much for dinner, but we don't make a big deal about it, just try to remember to offer a small snack right before bed (usually a cheese stick or something like that). I've noticed the more conscious I am of ensuring there is always food out for her, the happier & more easy going she is.

[unruly3]

I mostly skimmed the other posts, so I don't know if anyone mentioned this; my pediatrician told me when DS was 2 and DD was a baby that it really helps for the older sib to get 15 minutes a WEEK ( that's all) of one on one time with one parent or the other.  Doing anything, a grocery trip, the bank, the park the post office.  Anything, it makes the older feel special, and gives her/him the one to one attention.  It made a huge difference with my DS and he was only just barely 2 when his sister showed up. If you DH is worried about it reinforcing bad behaviors, just make sure it isn't the result of a tanrum, but planned out.  I wouldn't make it contingent on anything either.

Good Luck.  3 really is very trying at times.  They are so clever......

[mamadebug]

My DS was sooo difficult at 3 (and we didn't have a new baby in the house).  I remember finally talking to his preschool teacher (and she had taught in a 3 y.o. class for more than 10 years and had 3 lovely older children of her own) in tears one day, and she just smiled and told me, "everyone talks about the terrible twos - no one tells you that 3 is way worse than 2, though".  My DS is now 6, and we both made it through it and he is a great kid.  

So, she sounds totally normal to me.  I think she is trying to tell you in her limited 3 y.o. way that she is mad and jealous and trying to figure out her place in your family now that there has been a change in the dynamic.  Bless her little heart.  I would make sure she has plenty of sleep, plenty of exercise/outdoor time, enough food/snacks and designated one on one time with a parent when there are no baby interruptions.  I know it has helped a lot of our friends to highlight what she can do because she is older - "the baby can only drink milk, but you can have a special cookie because you are so big" or "you can go play with a friend, but baby just stays home and sleeps".  Finally, maybe enrolling her in a very part time preschool program would help.  At 3, my DS went to school 2 mornings a week for 2.5 hrs each time.  He loved it, he felt so grown up and it gave me a much needed break (and he was so tired when he got home, he took a long nap!).  

[*Erin*]

Originally Posted by AutumnAir 

I've been talking to DH about this, and a problem we're running into is that he thinks that spending quality time with DD1 is just rewarding her for her bad behaviour.  He wants to withdraw attention and affection from her as a punishment.  I understand the feeling - I'm the one at home all day being driven round the bend with her, but I can't see that this is the best approach.  But at the same time I think maybe I need to get a bit more strict with her - maybe I've been too lax because I'm just in survival mode right now.  All I want to do is get through the day relatively unscathed - I just don't have the energy to do any more.  I don't think time-outs will work, because there's no way I could get her to stay in one spot.  Time-ins don't work either though because she will run away from me, and if I try to hold her gently she'll just hit or kick me.  I'm thinking maybe removing privileges? But the problem with that is that the 'privileges' she has are things that allow me some time to deal with the baby.  Like she gets to watch a DVD while I put the baby down for a nap, because without that she's on her own for half an hour or more (DD2 is also a horrible sleeper..) so if I take away her DVD privilege then I'm left trying to get the baby to nap while DD1 runs riot downstairs or stands outside the bedroom door shouting for me.  AGH - I just don't know

No no no!! Don't withdraw your attention from her, that's the major thing you can give her that will help! Positive attention! Without the baby! the poor thing has just been totally uprooted from her comfy position as both the Only Child AND The Baby, and she's a baby herself, who can't really process the powerful emotions she's feeling, who wouldn't be angry?

So normal!!

that said, i am totally empathetic, we have so much in common. I too am an exhausted and sleep deprived introvert, and have a VERY spirited 8.5, yr old, and a VERY spirited just-turned-3 yr old boy, and a new 4 month old dd.

My son is EXACTLY like your dd-total flinging himself to the floor screaming meltdowns over little stuff, button-pushing, waking the baby on purpose.It's maddening. Sometimes I want to scream and say terrible things, too. Good for both of us for being coolheaded-it's sure not easy sometimes.

I think what has helped me help him the most is making sure I make time to sit on the floor and play with just him several times throughout the day.Even though I don't have the time or the energy. He is like a different kid. The time I'd spend with him in tantrums is more than this little bit of one-on-one by far, and so much better for us all. When I can leave dd with dh for just a bit, I take him out by himself and give him my undivided attention. Even a 30 minute outing to grocery store is a huge thing for him when it's just the two of us. (dd too)

I think it's helped me relax about it, too, seeing my older dd grow up and out of obnoxious, trying phases,(3 wasn't hard but 4 was EPIC hard) and come out the other side this amazing, bold, funny, brilliant, social butterfly. She's incredible. Plus with her around, ds seems like the little tiny guy he really is, not a big kid because im contrasting him with the new baby-every kid seems older than they are next to a newborn.

I recommend Raising Your Spirited Child, by Mary Sheedy-Kurcinka. Such an invaluble resource, lots of sound advice.

[mamaofthree]

wow, that sounds like my 3 year old son. LOL i mean i know it isn't funny, but sometimes it is either you laugh or you cry.

he does alot of the same stuff, yelling, doing things that seem like he is bent on pissing you off, just to do it. just so you are mad. when you ask "why did you do that" he has no idea. he says he hates everyone all the time, will not hug/kiss or even be really nice to dh at all most days. thankfully (knock on wood) we don't have alot of food issues. BUT when he does get a bug up his butt about not eating we let it go. he can get down from the table, and he usually plays near us. we do a bedtime snack so he doesn't go to bed hungry. 

i am hoping this too shall pass. LOL i mean i know it will, but it seems like this phase it taking awhile to get over. 

h